In thinking DD is too young to give up work to stay at home

[MrsJenB]

Firstly to make it clear this is not being anti SAHM in fact I've been an SAHM since DD was born which she's saying makes me a hypocrite!

Bit of background DD is 24 and graduated from uni summer 2017. In her 1st year she met a man who was then in 3rd year and has been with him since, they got married in August. DD is now pregnant and has said she intends to give up work and not go back and they want to have a family of 3/4 kids going forward. Income isn't a problem for her as our son in law is a bit of a high flyer and in a high paying industry where he's already earning a lot and his earning potential is very high. DD is very junior in a very different kind of industry.

AIBU to still be a bit uncomfortable with her deciding to stop work at her age? She says I wouldn't be saying anything if she was 5 years older but they're ready so what's the difference. I get the feeling this is coming from son in law a bit though from some of what she's said such as him saying there's no point her working when his salary is mainly what they live on anyway and that hers doesn't make any difference anyway. That might well be true but smells a bit of calling it pocket money. DH isn't 100% on board but isn't really concerned either saying it's good she's passionate about being a mum and wanting a family. I think she's in for a bit of a shock when she realises it's more sleepless nights, changing stinky nappies and having to deal with all the responsibility all day especially with son in law working long hours and probably longer as his career progresses so not there a lot for support, not some "yummy mummy" lifestyle some of her social media posts make me think she expects. I don't think she realises how isolating it could be and how demanding even though I've told her and she says she knows. I think my DH doesn't realise either as he always worked quite long hours which maybe is why he isn't as concerned. And none of DD's friends are likely to have kids right now either so it could be even more of a challenge for her. Of course I'll support her whatever but AIBU to be worried and want her to think a bit more about the decisions?

It's definitely a high-risk choice at 24 when she has no savings of her own and a very low earning potential. She is putting all her eggs in one basket and staking her future on her husband and his earnings, so I think you are right to be concern

This. I'd love to know the ages of the PPs on here. I bet that those of us who are 45+ and who have seen friends go through divorce understand why the OP is worried. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be a SAHM, but choosing to do it before you have established any sort of career will make it harder to achieve financial independence later, should you need it. Not impossible, but harder.

You'll get loads of "I had 7 children by 23 and now I run the UN" type responses on AIBU, OP, but the threads on Relationships, Divorce and the money/careers forums tell a different story.

I'd love to know the ages of the PPs on here

Mid-30s, DD pre-teen.

Ultimately the decision is your daughters, for me personally the 9 months mat leave was enough for me and I went straight back to work after all my children, I don’t need to work but I work in nursing so long Periods away aren’t ideal plus I love my job and wanted to keep a piece of me which was separate from my children. I work part time, drop them off and pick them up from school etc so it’s not like I never see them

since I've always been a SAHM

yabvu. presumably you have been her role model? your DD grew up in an household where the mother was never economically active and completely financially dependant on another adult. Doesn't surprise me that he thinks this is the way to go

I wouldn't want that for any of my children but we are all different.

Also as other have mentioned it’s a bit of security for me should anything happen to my husband

I know quite a few very well educated women now in their late forties/fifties who gave up work to be SAHMs in their 20s/30s the main reason seems to be the loved studying their chosen subjects but hated the realities of work namely, having to turn up daily, perform routine dull tasks, office politics and dealing with difficult clients. When the opportunity came they decided they would prefer to spend their time raising their children as they could comfortably live off their dhs salary

@AndromedaPerseus, we all clearly have very different experiences, I don't know anyone like that. All the SAHP's that were at home the same time as I was are all back working now, with the exception of one (ill health).

I would also be worried if one of my children effectively cancelled out of building their own career and income stream, leaving them exposed to being left high and dry in middle age. I've seen it happen far too often.

^^ This with bells on

(I normally always RTFT but today is so busy that I haven’t - apologies if missed anything important)

I'd love to know the ages of the PPs on here

Early 50s. Both DC early teens.

I don't mean to labour the point, but I don't know anyone who has given up work to be a SAHM and then been left "high and dry" in their 40s.

Maybe I move is strange places.

I think the whole age thing is a red herring.
Women are disadvantaged by having to pysically give birth so will have outage at some point, andhand on parents are disadvantaged in the workplace anyway- very hard to juggle working full time and care for children.

It's not something I was prepared to do.
I have a degree in Science, worked for many years in scientific research and gave that up totally when kids came along.
I don't consider my education as a waste, I think it brought valuable skills to raising my kids.

I would be happy whatever decision my children make in life- if they are happy than I am. That's the bottom line.

There are no guarantees in life, we don't know what is around the corner and impossible to plan contingencies for every situation.
I never wanted to get back into the workplace, I never will, and I am happy with that.

I am 52. Youngest DD is 16. Since my early twenties I have seen many, many relationships fail and end in separation or divorce. Most, even. Many had children involved and all too often it was the woman left high and dry, with young children and without a pot to piss in.

Yes, OP is right to be concerned, even though she was a SAHM herself. It is called life experience.

I haven’t read the full thread but I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Spending a few more years in the workforce (even part time) and building up her CV now would give her a lot more security if the marriage broke up or her husband lost his job or became ill.

I know someone who had kids straight after uni and became a stay at home mum. Her partner had a really good job and could support them financially so she could afford to do so. She is now in her mid - thirties, has three kids, her marriage has broken up and she has no way to support her kids. She’s tried to get a decent job but employers ask for experience she doesn’t have, and as interviews are competency based she has no workplace examples to back up her answers. She’s in a very precarious situation.

I did it (was a sahm for years) and have zero regrets.
It also allowed me to forge a second career which probably wouldn't have happened if I'd stayed in my original high stress, long hours office job. It's not always the death of ambition, freedom and financial independence that Mumsnet feels it to be!

Could she go back 1/2 days a week? Would you be able to mind the baby?

The time to think about this was when you decided what kind of role model you wanted to be.

She is right, you are a hypocrite.

You’re wrong to assume that her life won’t be “yummy mummy” insta style. Actually, with a wealthy husband willing to support her raising a family, her life could very well be plenty or free time (affording gym créche for example) getting into a social circle of other never-going-to-work young mothers. She will possibly have a high old time drinking coffee, buying outfits, going to baby ballet and having zero work stress.

I’ve always worked but had a “wealthy” maternity leave year and bloody hell it was amazing! Great lifestyle.

Of course, I’d be worried for my child, as I’m risk averse. So, the potential for divorce later.

But you really aren’t in a great position to comment, and scare mongering about how hard being a mother is, is pretty OTT.

She’s an educated, grown woman. Her business.
Your presumptuous prediction that she’ll be “some sort of yummy mummy” is unworthy. You have no idea what sort of parent she’ll be.
She and her husband will make decisions appropriate to them and their family, as you did.

YANBU

Totally agree with VladmirsPoutine post

It’s all well and good to talk about forging a career later on but that is very dependent on circumstances

Catchingbentcoppers exactly we all have very different experiences which are equally valid. The SAHMs I know all have dhs in well paid financial jobs so they don’t need to work. It does still seem for some men an educated intelligent Woman who they can support to be a SAHM is a trophy wife. One of my SAHM friends said to me that her Oxford degree was her USP even though she’s never worked for more than 2 years since graduating.

When in my 20s I was friends with a girl who gave up work to become a SAHM when her first child was born. She didn’t go to university. Children all grown up now, still married but whether she regrets her choices I wouldn’t know.

I had DC1 at 22 and expected to never have to work again .

The realities of life with small children, no adult company and a DH working long hours saw me back at work when she was 4. I have always worked since. (and still had 4 by the time I was 28)

I have my own pension, started when I was 16 and picked up again when I went back to work. Thanks to years of PT hours it will hardly be gold-plated, but as DH has precisely zero pension provision at least I will be able to look after myself should the worst happen.

Some women take to motherhood like a duck to water - your DD could be the same. Now that we are having to work until we drop dead I don't blame her for wanting to SAH; she has plenty of time to catch up if she changes her mind.

Some people seem to be assuming that the son in law is guaranteed to be fabulously wealthy. From what OP says it sounds more like he got on a good grad scheme and is earning well for his peers and there's a chance he'll become very high earning in the future (e.g a grad at an accountancy firm could become a partner). That describes most of my friends at his age and while they've all done very well for themselves a) that's been achieved by being half of a high earning couple and b) they're well off and can buy property in (an outer zone of) London etc, but it isn't the life of luxury with housekeepers and nannies galore that some people seem to be assuming the OP's DD will be living

I think a huge problem with SAHMs is that they become housekeepers and lose their personality. If she keeps hobbies up etc she might be ok. However the amount of threads on here about it don't give any hope

I think a huge problem with SAHMs is that they become housekeepers and lose their personality.

Sigh. This is a horrible and untrue to say. And will unleash some 'well at least I actually love my children' bullshit in response, and so we'll all go round, in a giant circle of women bashing women.

Isn't it about what you want out of life? Maybe her ambitions are to be a mum and have a family? She's also young, so if she does choose to go back to work after a few years she's in a better position than someone like me if I became a SAHM (,had first baby at 34).

Agree @NewAccount270219

Can't we all just agree that people have different focuses in their lives at different times.