In thinking DD is too young to give up work to stay at home

[MrsJenB]

Firstly to make it clear this is not being anti SAHM in fact I've been an SAHM since DD was born which she's saying makes me a hypocrite!

Bit of background DD is 24 and graduated from uni summer 2017. In her 1st year she met a man who was then in 3rd year and has been with him since, they got married in August. DD is now pregnant and has said she intends to give up work and not go back and they want to have a family of 3/4 kids going forward. Income isn't a problem for her as our son in law is a bit of a high flyer and in a high paying industry where he's already earning a lot and his earning potential is very high. DD is very junior in a very different kind of industry.

AIBU to still be a bit uncomfortable with her deciding to stop work at her age? She says I wouldn't be saying anything if she was 5 years older but they're ready so what's the difference. I get the feeling this is coming from son in law a bit though from some of what she's said such as him saying there's no point her working when his salary is mainly what they live on anyway and that hers doesn't make any difference anyway. That might well be true but smells a bit of calling it pocket money. DH isn't 100% on board but isn't really concerned either saying it's good she's passionate about being a mum and wanting a family. I think she's in for a bit of a shock when she realises it's more sleepless nights, changing stinky nappies and having to deal with all the responsibility all day especially with son in law working long hours and probably longer as his career progresses so not there a lot for support, not some "yummy mummy" lifestyle some of her social media posts make me think she expects. I don't think she realises how isolating it could be and how demanding even though I've told her and she says she knows. I think my DH doesn't realise either as he always worked quite long hours which maybe is why he isn't as concerned. And none of DD's friends are likely to have kids right now either so it could be even more of a challenge for her. Of course I'll support her whatever but AIBU to be worried and want her to think a bit more about the decisions?

There’s a life time to work and only a short time to raise young children. I think if money isn’t an issue it will be nice for her to be at home for a while and far less stressful for her than trying to work and do all the home chores.

As a society we seems completely obsessed with working these days instead of valuing time at home with our children while they are small. If she is happy with that choice then support her otherwise you might be the one at home caring for grandchildren - unless you’d like to see them raised in a nursery which will use up all her wages anyway.

Could you suggest that if she does intend to be a SAHM, as part of the household budget they pay for a private pension for her?

If the relationship breaks down he will be absolutely fine with a high paying, well established career and she will be starting from scratch with zero experience. She’ll have childcare commitments, competing with people for junior roles who often can and are willing to work longer hours. In a lot of careers this will absolutely put her on a massive back foot and limit what she will be able to achieve. That isn’t right obviously and should be challenged, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t negatively effect her.

But it’s good you are going to be supportive and not mention it again. There is no point. You’ve raised your concerns, but she needs to make the decision she thinks is best for her. It sounds like she has made up her mind.

speakout, your contributions to this thread are becoming tedious in the extreme.

Its not up to you is it? If she's old fluffy to have finished university and gotten married then she'd old enough to make a decision with her husband about how they want to parent. If later she regrets not working then that's on her.
I was a young mum and I stayed at home until the youngest was at school and yes my career stalled a bit but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make.
Trust her to know her own mind and support her

I was mostly a sahm for 10 years but was fortunate enough to have established by 28 a professional career that has meant I was able to pick up spots of freelance work in the 10 years with my former employer and then to return when it was necessary. But while I haven’t really had a hit to my career in general terms I do regret not having paid into a pension other than freelance NICS over that period. I do have savings though these have come from inheritance rather than something dh and I established for me during my time off.

Your DD is very young to stay at home with a baby. I think being a SAHM is a great thing for families but it requires mothers to have a great deal of inner resources both to keep herself going and to bring up her child(ten) well. TBH I don’t think many 24 year olds have the maturity and experience necessary.

I think You maybe missing a point here, if your DD has always wanted to be a mum then I would be proud she has reached her goal so quickly and with such a stable future. I think it’s sad to be thinking about what happens when the marriage fails and she is left with 4 kids. Let’s be positive and support her choices in life, being a SAHM as you well know, is fantastic especially if you are not living hand to mouth.

I gave up a well paid job with good career prospects aged 26 so only a couple of years older than your DD.

I was a SAHM for 7 years. Our marriage ended, ex-H is a decent man who paid spousal maintenance for 2 years to enable me to start my own business.

Im sure she’s aware of what might go wrong. That doesn’t mean it will, or she will never get back into a job if she wants.

Having had secondary infertility I am so so grateful I was enable to spend those years with my DD.

@speakout i work in a female dominated profession, and loads of my friends stopped working after having kids. we are all mid 40s now. Not a single one of them managed to get back in a decently paid job.

I think it’s sad to be thinking about what happens when the marriage fails and she is left with 4 kids.

Why? If you have a plan for the worst case scenario it doesn't mean that scenario will happen. Much better to have a plan in place. No one wants to be thinking about these things for the first time, when your husband has just left you, or you've become a widow.

I get where you're coming from. Shes worked her ass off to get through uni. What was the point if shes just going to give it up.

She'll regret it when the kids are in high school and shes lonely most nights and days because she didnt stick by it x

@NotStayingIn exactly my friends experience. most junior roles also don’t work well around childcare commitments for multiple kids - so stacking shelfs it is, as it tends to be flexible.

I would be worried but at this stage I would just advise her to take maternity leave and make her final decision once the baby is here. She might love motherhood but she might unexpectedly hate it, she might have PND . If she burns her boats now she is putting enormous pressure on herself . These days she can have a year off , any not take that time to decide .

FWIW I did exactly this.
Gave up a career to raise 3 DC and enjoyed every single minute of it.
Your DD is in the fortunate position of having enough money to make it easy for herself.
I ran a Brownie group and volunteered with Samaritans, I made loads of friends that I am still very close to today. Best days of my life by a mile.
Went back to work when the last one started school and pretty quickly re-established my career.
Been back working for 15years now but those days of being off with the little ones were such a luxury. It doesn't have to be boring or tedious.

I think a lot of people in this thread are mixing up how things should be and how they are. Yes, a 35 year old entering the workplace with little experience shouldn't be a problem because they've got 35 years to work before retirement, but not that many people do find that's the case.

That said, I agree that OP should encourage her DD to think about things like a private pension while she's at home, but there's not much point lecturing towards that. Especially since, really, the horse has bolted here. In OP's ideal world her DD would have waited longer to have DC - having a baby at 24 in a very junior position limits her options as a working mother, too, and I can see why it would make returning to work straight away much less appealing.

There's nothing to be lost by taking maternity leave.

The downside to her continuing to work though, might be her husband's high flying job. If she's entirely responsible for organising child care, coming home and basically being a single parent because of his long hours, it could be exhausting.

I'd share your concerns about her not being established in her career before having the children, but I can see the downside to continuing paid work too, unless hse has a really hands on partner.

I think it’s sad to be thinking about what happens when the marriage fails and she is left with 4 kids.

This is such a dangerous attitude that leaves so many women so screwed. It's not 'sad' to think about worst case scenarios, it's sensible. And, if it makes you more comfortable, we can do the ones that aren't anyone's fault. What if her DH gets ill? What if he's made redundant (perhaps in a recession - the current forecasts for the economy aren't that rosy) and struggles to find another job at the same level? What if, god forbid, he decides he wants more time at home and less working and wants to shift to a different less intense career? Presumably he's not allowed to do that?

I would not give up work of my own volition and render myself financially dependent on my husband.

An ex boyfriend of mine had a very very very wealthy father who was shagging everything that moved and his mum couldn’t leave him as he had money hidden everywhere. He had lawyers in knots and eventually she did leave him and was reliant on my ex (her son) who happened to be a lovely guy who supported her.

Agree with tomato salt et al - it’s the attitude of the boyfriend that is setting off all kinds of alarms here. Who wants to be married to someone who sees childcare as women’s work? Not like he’s exactly lining up to give up his career.

And yes, I do think what a child does when they are an adult is the business of a parent. When the daughter is 40, single parenting and broke, do you really think that she wants to hear “we didn’t interfere, it wasn’t any of our business?” Telling her it’s a bad idea might just set a few wheels turning in her mind. She’s too young.

And yes, at £9000 a year, I do think it is a bit of a waste to do nothing with your degree. Who picks up the tab if you want to do nothing?

Yanbu. Keeping working will future proof her finances and employability.

It’s not a pessimistic outlook on married life. It’s no one knows what the future will hold, be it illness tragedy or death. My mum never worked either and thinks all my friends should keep their hand in at work so they have the option.
The only things I would say are quitting rather than taking mat leave is madness. Who in their 20s is such a high earner that getting smp is literally irrelevant? If it is, spend it on a holiday! Holidays with teeny babies are the best. She can quit when baby is 9mo and it runs out.
Also , I would say that another benefit of a well earning husband is you can do whatever you want to do if you feel like working rather than having to find a job that pays for the childcare. Plant that seed :)

I’d be most bothered about a man that is already planning not to be there for his children. I’d never accept that my husband not be an active hands on dad.

If she's looking at having four children then that's a decade plus out of the workforce at the very least, and it's very likely that by then her high flying husband will be so used to working long hours, going abroad with no notice and effectively absenting himself from all the practical aspects of family life that it will be almost impossible for her to go back to work. Nearly half of all marriages end in divorce and it's much higher in high stress, highly paid jobs. She needs a back up plan. At the very least he needs to pay into a pension for her. I'd be horrified if my daughter made herself so vulnerable.

Planning 3 or 4 kids with today's human overpopulation crisis? She is BVU.

Hi OP, to put this into perspective a little, I'm 22 and just had my first baby. I'm still on maternity leave and I am dreading going back. Beforehand, I would've told you, I would have the baby and go back to work immediately if I could. However now since looking after the baby and enjoying bonding with him, I wish I could be a stay at home mum.

I am the higher earner with more stable money so I have to return to work, leaving my very capable husband doing a lot of childcare till baby is 1 and then putting him in childcare a few days. If I had the opportunity to stay home I would.

Let your daughter decide once baby is here.