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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking DD is too young to give up work to stay at home

487 replies

MrsJenB · 21/04/2019 00:33

Firstly to make it clear this is not being anti SAHM in fact I've been an SAHM since DD was born which she's saying makes me a hypocrite!

Bit of background DD is 24 and graduated from uni summer 2017. In her 1st year she met a man who was then in 3rd year and has been with him since, they got married in August. DD is now pregnant and has said she intends to give up work and not go back and they want to have a family of 3/4 kids going forward. Income isn't a problem for her as our son in law is a bit of a high flyer and in a high paying industry where he's already earning a lot and his earning potential is very high. DD is very junior in a very different kind of industry.

AIBU to still be a bit uncomfortable with her deciding to stop work at her age? She says I wouldn't be saying anything if she was 5 years older but they're ready so what's the difference. I get the feeling this is coming from son in law a bit though from some of what she's said such as him saying there's no point her working when his salary is mainly what they live on anyway and that hers doesn't make any difference anyway. That might well be true but smells a bit of calling it pocket money. DH isn't 100% on board but isn't really concerned either saying it's good she's passionate about being a mum and wanting a family. I think she's in for a bit of a shock when she realises it's more sleepless nights, changing stinky nappies and having to deal with all the responsibility all day especially with son in law working long hours and probably longer as his career progresses so not there a lot for support, not some "yummy mummy" lifestyle some of her social media posts make me think she expects. I don't think she realises how isolating it could be and how demanding even though I've told her and she says she knows. I think my DH doesn't realise either as he always worked quite long hours which maybe is why he isn't as concerned. And none of DD's friends are likely to have kids right now either so it could be even more of a challenge for her. Of course I'll support her whatever but AIBU to be worried and want her to think a bit more about the decisions?

OP posts:
Namenic · 21/04/2019 12:20

Perhaps encourage keeping up an interest that can keep her CV ticking over (eg in case of marital issues in future or job uncertainty for husband). There are book keeping courses, IT/web development courses, maybe keep a blog. Would make it easier to get back into job market if required

Alsohuman · 21/04/2019 12:29

If she was doing a job that made a massive contribution to society I could perhaps understand some of the angst on this thread but she’s not, she’s got a junior grade admin job. It’s hardly a high powered career.

By staying at home with her children she will be doing something life changing. Who better to raise children than their own mother? Say she stays at home until her youngest starts school, that takes her to mid 30s tops, with 35 years to pursue a career.

As for people maintaining it’s a waste, nothing is more important than raising and nurturing children, they’re our future. What’s more of a waste - sitting at a desk dealing with meaningless crap or looking after your family?

happyhillock · 21/04/2019 12:36

I have 2 DD's i was a SAHM until the youngest went to school, i worked part-time, i loved being at home with them, my ex earned a pretty good wage, if you can afford to stay at home why not? I think most mothers would love to

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 21/04/2019 12:38

I agree with you OP, because what happened if her DH is suddenly unable to work, or dies? Hopefully he will future proof to some extent so she is protected, but I would strongly recommend she ensures that he has life assurance.

1990shopefulftm · 21/04/2019 12:43

I'm your DD's age and plan to at least not go back to work for a couple of years once we have a child, because it doesn't make any financial sense in our situation as childcare would eat up all my wages and I'd like to spend as much time as I can with my kids.

I'd just support DD in her decision at least to her face otherwise you're potentially going to damage your relationship and not have the relationship you might want with your grandchild. She might change her mind when she has the baby or she might not, of course there's lots of stories on here of relationships going wrong and people not being able to go back into work but doesn't mean she won't be able to go back into work at all.
My mum had me in her mid twenties and went to university when i was in primary school and went into work (my dad passed during this time which is part of my wanting to be a stay at home mum for a bit of any kids i have lives when they're younger) and then took a break when my sister was born then went back into work, so i know it might be challenging but it doesn't mean it's not possible.

Thetruthwillout80 · 21/04/2019 12:46

The parents of the child.In a world where so many babies get sent to daycare for 10 hours a day,it's wonderful to know there are still mothers who cherish that bonding time with their children.

My children went to daycare because I had to work, not because I didn't/don't cherish them!!

Tobebythesea · 21/04/2019 12:46

Before I had a child I was very sure I wanted to be a SAHM and have children but the reality was a lot different to what I had expected and I was desperate to get back to work and did when she was 10 months old. Your DD might change her mind. She might not. It’s their decision.

SerenDippitty · 21/04/2019 12:55

As for people maintaining it’s a waste, nothing is more important than raising and nurturing children, they’re our future. What’s more of a waste - sitting at a desk dealing with meaningless crap or looking after your family?

That’s incredibly offensive to people who have no choice but to slave away at meaningless jobs in order to live.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/04/2019 13:02

Presumably those that think working is a waste or parents should be with their children don't have working partners then?

I'd be very unhappy if my children went to uni and wasted all that money to decide not working was for them.

Life insurance is always wise but it doesn't protect in the event he decides he no longer wants to be married. Far more chance of divorce.

Alsohuman · 21/04/2019 13:32

@Serendippity, it wasn’t meant to be offensive to anyone and I apologise. Clearly having to work and having the choice are different things entirely.

PinkPupZ · 21/04/2019 13:35

I would say nothing and support her choice. I was a sahm very young and had no qualifications. I stayed home for over 15 years with 5 children and loved every minute. I during this time gained qualifications and retrained as a HCP aged 38. I don't regret my time at home I am grateful for it. Some don't get the chance.

theonewiththecats · 21/04/2019 13:39

Who better to raise children than their own mother?

working as a mother still means you bring up your children. I certainly raised mine despite having a job. actually, earning money to put food on the table and pay the rent is part of parenting. Anyone who suggests otherwise is clearly living in a parallel universe!

whathaveiforgottentoday · 21/04/2019 13:40

I would be worried that she is leaving herself vulnerable in later years. and while being above to be a Sahm seems great she is leaving herself without a back up. I am seeing too many friends in this situation now and frankly, I'm glad I stayed working.
Part time always seems the best option as it keeps your hand in whilst having time to spend with your children.

If I could afford it, I would work 2 days a week. Seems the best compromise.
However, your dd may not see that and probably doesn't want to think of the possibilities of something happening to her DH at this stage.

lordofthefries · 21/04/2019 13:48

My DM was a SAHM for 15 years, she had an NVQ in business studies but hasn’t worked a day. She started training at a care home and is now in a very high up job. My DGM also did the same. I’m a mobile hairdresser, but bring DS with me to all my bookings and when I have DC2 I plan on being a SAHM. I believe that people have different priorities, and I believe that as women we should support all women in what they want to do and not bash then.

Cbatothinkofaname · 21/04/2019 13:52

On a personal level I agree that to go to do well at university and then give up work before even getting a career going isn’t a decision I’d make. Apart from anything else I suspect you’re more likely to see the long term benefits of combining working with parenting once you’re a bit more established in your career.

But I think it’s hugely hypocritical of the OP to voice this opinion when she didn’t work for aeons!

NewAccount270219 · 21/04/2019 14:33

Clearly having to work and having the choice are different things entirely.

Ah yes, you'll patronisingly accept that some women 'must' work. Those who actually want to are irredeemable, of course Hmm

OutOntheTilez · 21/04/2019 14:35

I'd love to know the ages of the PPs on here

Just turned 50, both DSs are teenagers.

AlexaShutUp · 21/04/2019 14:36

Isn't it about what you want out of life? Maybe her ambitions are to be a mum and have a family?

That's all well and good, but honestly speaking, I would feel that I had failed as a parent if being a mum and having a family were dd's only ambitions in life. I don't suppose many young men only have aspirations to become fathers.

Orangecake123 · 21/04/2019 14:44

You're not unreasonable OP. I've read too many stories where women leave them vulnerable.

Orangecake123 · 21/04/2019 14:50

*themselves vulnerable.

OutOntheTilez · 21/04/2019 14:54

@speakout

It’s good that it worked out for you, but it doesn’t always work out for everyone, and there is nothing wrong with having a contingency plan. That is what PPs on here are saying.

My sister was a single working mom in the healthcare industry and started dating a guy who promised to take care of her and her young DD. He encouraged her to quit work and move in with him. She would never have to worry about money; she’d get carte blanche on the credit card; he’d hire a housekeeper; she could redecorate his home, etc.

Life would be glorious.

Within one week of her giving up her apartment and moving in with him, trouble begun. From his job he called her once every hour and became upset if she didn’t answer her cell phone. She'd get in trouble when he got home.

She found a poster online that she thought his young son would like and bought it with her own money (she did not feel comfortable using his credit card and refused to do so).

When the poster came and she showed it to “DP” Hmm he hit the roof. Why did she spend money on THAT? Who said she could redecorate?

And so it went. He was disrespectful to her and to us, her family, calling us “trash.” He was rude to her DD. He called my sister “fat” (she was rail thin) and other horrendous names.

Good thing she saw the light after a couple of months, took her DD, and moved out. Good thing her job wanted her and took her right back. Good thing she wasn’t out of the work force long. Good thing she and the a$$hole "DP" weren’t married.

speakout · 21/04/2019 15:03

OutOntheTilez

I am sory for your sister's bad experience.

I have no idea how that relates to being a SAHM

FrazzledCareerWoman · 21/04/2019 15:29

FFS
A child has two parents
Funny how no one berates working fathers for putting their kids in daycare Confused
These threads always go the same way

IMO you have to work doubly hard at fighting traditional gender roles once kids come along. It helps if you earn the same or out earn your husband. (Obviously in an ideal world it wouldn't matter but how many times have you seen on here - oh but my pay doesn't cover childcare!).

Then you (as a family, and as a woman) have more of a choice on how to balance things.
Otherwise you may end up stuck in a SAHM situation whether you like it or not. And it definitely leaves you vulnerable in a split.

OutOntheTilez · 21/04/2019 15:53

I have no idea how that relates to being a SAHM

Sigh

speakout · 21/04/2019 16:12

OutOntheTilez

sigh...

You sister made some bad relationship choices. Abandonded herself to a boyfriend- not the father and did some stupid things.

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