In thinking DD is too young to give up work to stay at home

[MrsJenB]

Firstly to make it clear this is not being anti SAHM in fact I've been an SAHM since DD was born which she's saying makes me a hypocrite!

Bit of background DD is 24 and graduated from uni summer 2017. In her 1st year she met a man who was then in 3rd year and has been with him since, they got married in August. DD is now pregnant and has said she intends to give up work and not go back and they want to have a family of 3/4 kids going forward. Income isn't a problem for her as our son in law is a bit of a high flyer and in a high paying industry where he's already earning a lot and his earning potential is very high. DD is very junior in a very different kind of industry.

AIBU to still be a bit uncomfortable with her deciding to stop work at her age? She says I wouldn't be saying anything if she was 5 years older but they're ready so what's the difference. I get the feeling this is coming from son in law a bit though from some of what she's said such as him saying there's no point her working when his salary is mainly what they live on anyway and that hers doesn't make any difference anyway. That might well be true but smells a bit of calling it pocket money. DH isn't 100% on board but isn't really concerned either saying it's good she's passionate about being a mum and wanting a family. I think she's in for a bit of a shock when she realises it's more sleepless nights, changing stinky nappies and having to deal with all the responsibility all day especially with son in law working long hours and probably longer as his career progresses so not there a lot for support, not some "yummy mummy" lifestyle some of her social media posts make me think she expects. I don't think she realises how isolating it could be and how demanding even though I've told her and she says she knows. I think my DH doesn't realise either as he always worked quite long hours which maybe is why he isn't as concerned. And none of DD's friends are likely to have kids right now either so it could be even more of a challenge for her. Of course I'll support her whatever but AIBU to be worried and want her to think a bit more about the decisions?

So he's given up work, and I provide for us both. In some ways it's a risk for him, but he trusts me, and if we ever have kids he'll be a SAHD

Its not about trust though is it? What happens when the sole earner hits burn out, redundancy or illness? I've seen those many times happening to men in my industry, as well as the more obvious mid-life crisis running abandoning mid-life wife for OW (or in a couple of cases, OM). Or when having met fairly young you simply change over the years?

DH here is only a couple of years older the the DD. His career could stutter and fail, he could find he has already peaked. She would be older and effectively starting in the workplace from scratch. This is very different from going back to work, having first had a decade or more experience to build a track record. Or having a high earning partner to support the retraining period.

@speakout

The point that you are deliberately refusing to face is that my sister, for a short period of time, allowed herself to be financially dependent upon someone else. It does not matter if that person was a DP. It does not matter if that person was a DH. It does not matter if that person was her DF. The point is that she was not working at the time, she was home, her DD was in nursery school part of the time, and Sis was a stay-at-home mom.

She bought into the promises someone else made her, and when that relationship headed south because the person (again, could be a DP, DH or DF because you seem so hung up on semantics here) turned out to be abusive, my sister had the CHOICE to leave and spare her daughter and herself from emotional (and, possibly physical) danger, because that’s the way things were headed. She had the choice because she had a back-up plan and resources.

Yes, my sister made some bad choices in terms of her relationship. One could argue that a DW “abandoning herself” to a DH, opting to give up working completely at age 24 and staying home to raise 3-4 children, with no work experience under her belt, is a “stupid” choice (your word, not mine).

Many people on here are telling the OP that she is not being unreasonable because they know it can never hurt to have Plan B as a back-up in case Plan A doesn’t work out. And it’s not necessarily about money for nice things or about fighting for the “sisterhood.” It’s about planning ahead and thinking now about what negative events could transpire in the future, while fervently hoping they don’t. An insurance policy, if you will. It’s common sense.

And I would tell a man, particularly my sons if they talked about becoming SAHDs, the exact same thing.

Again, I’m glad it all worked out for you. I’m not clear if you are being deliberately obtuse to try to valiantly salvage your point that since everything worked out swimmingly for you, it must as such for everyone, or if you just really don’t see the connection

It does not matter if that person was a DP. It does not matter if that person was a DH. It does not matter if that person was her DF.

OutOntheTilez these things matter a reat deal.

My DD & her friends would call her a 'genericSarah' - they know loads of young women who are not that career focussed and if not able to give up work when they have children will have a 'little part time job'. In contrast all the blokes they know at Uni (STEM course) plan to have a family and a full on job and just assume they will marry a 'genericSarah' to facilitate this.

My point being, really your DD's choices are pretty much what most women on Mumsnet seem to do anyway, except she is making an active choice, not drifting into it - and she has you as a positive role model for this choice.

What ever the choices made why do woman keep describing childcare as using all THIER wages? Surely childcare is a bill like all other household bills?

" In contrast all the blokes they know at Uni (STEM course) plan to have a family and a full on job and just assume they will marry a 'genericSarah' to facilitate this. "

God how depressing. And people wonder why there is a gender pay gap, sex discrimination at work etc. Men just don't know they're born.

Personally very few woman have the luxury of being able to choose to raise their own children.

Who brings their kids up then?

Or you’re not suggesting that women who aren’t SAHMs don’t bring up their own children. Are you?

OP YANBU. I don’t have daughters but if I did I’d feel so disappointed that this was the best she thought she could do with her life and education at such a young age.

God how depressing. And people wonder why there is a gender pay gap, sex discrimination at work etc. Men just don't know they're born.

It is. I roll my eyes every time I read posts about the high flying high earning man and his wife/partner in a much more lowly position. Often as intelligent and capable as each other. Why does this happen so often?

Maybe because the intelligent, capable woman wants to be at home looking after their children and is prepared to make the sacrifice to make this happen.

@speakout

these things matter a reat deal.

That was the only part of my post you could respond to (though not much of a response) and couldn’t find a way to argue the other salient points. That’s fine. Clearly logic is wasted here.

Enjoy your Easter Sunday.

Sure. It's just coincidentally always the woman. Or maybe it's our innate nurturing ability
Fathers can also choose to take responsibility for their children and allow their partner equal opportunity for other areas of life such as work.

What ever the choices made why do woman keep describing childcare as using all THIER wages? Surely childcare is a bill like all other household bills?

This, exactly. It drives me bonkers, too. Like the husband’s salary pays only the mortgage, the electric bill, and the car payments, and the mother’s salary is devoted solely to child care

I would be very disappointed if this were my daughter.

Literally robbing herself of wonderful life experiences, that can never be recreated once one has the responsibility of being a parent.

I would be concerned about how much influence the SIL has here. 24 is no age to be making such permanent decisions. Perhaps I am older and a tad jaded, but I would worry about his position and part in my fairly recently graduated daughter wanting the be a SAHM having barely lived any of her own adult life.

IHRTT, and very valid points raised throughout. But in answer to your post OP, I don't think YABU

I think she's just as well deciding to have children early and then, if she wants a career, she can start working on that in ten years' time. And it's definitely none of your business.

To be honest if she wants lots of children she might be being sensible. I had my first at 35 and am now part time - it has utterly screwed my career. Let's say she has 3 and takes 10 years out - she's still in her early 30s with 30+ years of career time ahead of her and none of the childcare baggage. If I'd have met the right person I can completely see the benefits

Agree with @outonthetilez. Good to have a contingency plan as you can’t predict the future. At least keep an eye on the job market (and discuss with DP) and do small things to enhance the CV in the meantime (eg edx).

Nothing wrong with sahm - can be a huge benefit to kids, partner and relatives.

If earning significantly above personal allowance, income Tax system tends to favour both partners working part time but whatever works for each family....

This is absolutely none of your business, you would do well to keep out. Assuming you have a secure relationship, she will come to you for your opinion if she wants it. Otherwise keeping your thinking to yourself, she will not thank you for your advice.

On the flip side, my mother was very disparaging when I was got a great job (part time) which I was very excited about about a year after having my second child. Apparently I should have been more like my older sister who married into a very wealthy family and had 3 kids and never went back to work after having children. I tried to give my point of view which was that our parents very kindly paid for all our university education and I wanted to use that and set an example to our children (girl and boy). I know that my sister would love to get back into the workforce now but has been out of it for so long that she is finding it difficult to get even a moderately paid job (after being on a vey high salary pre children). I really wish my mother could have supported me, it's definitely had an impact on our relationship, and I guess that works the other way too.

She is going to be reaching for the Prozac in 5 mins time

I think a huge price blend with SAHMs is that they become housekeepers and lose their personality.

Lots of sweeping generalisations on here. I gave up work 4 years before we thought about having children at all. My husband was in a senior, well paid job and I was a worker bee with a crap salary. I left home with him at 6 am and usually got home later than he did, 8 pm on average, and earned a 10th of his salary.
We moved to the country and I set to renovating our unusual new home. It was an absolute revelation, I discovered many talents I didn't know I had, tackled pretty daunting projects either single handedly or with occasional hired help and found I excelled (pre/google, all books and occasional evening classes). I learned to drive at nearly 30, never had the need before, city girl, and took up a couple of really interesting and satisfying pursuits. My “personality” became a helluva lot more interesting than it had ever been hitherto.
My husband is possibly exceptional. Crap at anything manual, he was in awe at my accomplishments, has never once in over 30 years now brought up money or my lack of earning power. Instead, everything we own is joint 50/50 because he feels I contribute to the family and household equally (if not more, in his opinion, which he regularly told the kids “you’d be bloody sunk without mum”) and I shall be in receipt of his pension rights should he pre-decease me.
Our daughter is career focussed which is fantastic for where she is now. If she wants to stay at home with kids in future, that will be fantastic for her then. After that, who knows. The world is her oyster. As it is our son’s.
It’s depressing to read some people saying degrees are wasted if a career doesn’t follow on. Learning should be a goal in itself. Also depressing to read some people saying that people “only” aspire to being SAHMs.
I thought the whole point of equality was the freedom to choose whatever was right for you?

It's up to her. As she's young she's got plenty of time to pick up a career when the kids are older. If she wants to.

Surely childcare is a bill like all other household bills?

No - because if a parent stays at home, there is no childcare bill. Other household bills cannot be substituted in the same way.

I think people are harsh to the op saying she's following her example. They were different times 25 years ago to now. She is right to be concerned for her daughter. It is isolating being a young sahm and the reality doesn't always match the expectation

This is such a sad theead, all these woman (mainly) suggesting that staying at home to raise the children you decide to have is effectively a waste of time, it’s all about career and money and education. After all of men can do that then so should woman.

How about raising children is rewarding? Money isn’t everything? She’ll be free to meet other people, go out and about, and enjoy her child or children without the added pressure of work or money worries? How many woman can actually say they have the choice to be free to do that? She married. She wants children and we should encourage woman of any age to take some time out and enjoy the younger years

Good luck to her. She’s happy! It really is her choice.