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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
SweetMarmalade · 23/04/2019 10:56

Dp & I were once invited to an evening do only. Quickly became apparent we were only there to keep someone company (the dp of someone who was working at the wedding). Felt such a plum. Sat around the edge of the venue while the other guests were still sitting at their fancy tables Grin we can laugh about it now but we felt so ridiculous. Totally put me off being a second tier guests, ever!

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 23/04/2019 10:56

I don't think DM is piggy in the middle as DM is pissed off with the situation too.

MRex · 23/04/2019 11:00

"D"N is brazening out the anger because he knows he's in the wrong. The answer can't be to show him more anger or that justifies his scoffing. I agree you should let him know that you're hurt by his behaviour and you wish him well, but I'd be unable to be civil given his reaction, so I've no idea what you should put after that.

Scrumptiousbears · 23/04/2019 11:00

Do you think DB1 didn't say anything because he's too embarrassed?

purplepears · 23/04/2019 11:01

Your DN certainly has an ego......
Hope you all go to DB2 every Sunday and occasion from now on.
Kick the DN and wife to the kerb. May their 10 white suited groomsmen entertain them from now on......which I doubt they will.
As for DB1, well, he needs to grow some balls.
Keep mad, not sad!!!!!

Original poster
jessicawessica · 23/04/2019 11:02

I don't think I need to worry about my mum. She's more angry than sad.
At the barbeque we had to ply her with a large G&T to calm her down!
She did say something weird that we put down to her being a bit squiffy.
She said she was glad this had happened! She said "just imagine if you and DB2 had had an invite for the ceremony. We would never have seen DN's true colours. We'd have all carried on meeting up on a Sunday under this illusion that they (DN & fiancee) actually cared about us".
Me and DB2 thought that very odd but we know it takes a lot to piss her off so she must have been really mad.
DB1 as one of the groomsmen will probably go to the venue in a car with the other groomsmen, I think.
As for mum actually going....not sure now. I think she feels she SHOULD go as a sort of duty.

OP posts:
RogersVideo · 23/04/2019 11:08

Well, I think your mum is on to something. DN has soured relations with his family, and does not care. Maybe the Sundays he spends with you all are just a free meal and a captive audience. He doesn't actually consider you of any importance in his life.

He's really starting to sound like a cheeky fucker.

Holidayshopping · 23/04/2019 11:09

What is your personal relationship with DN like? Do the two of you get on very well? Has there ever been any bad feeling?

purplepears · 23/04/2019 11:10

Your mum is a smart woman.

Happynow001 · 23/04/2019 11:10

Hi OP What was your mum's response to DN about his cheeky and uncaring assertion you'd be in charge of getting her to/from the wedding? She's a bit in limbo at the moment isn't she as far as transport - which either DN or her own son should be considering. Poor lady: I feel sorry for her caught up in the middle of all this.

Bailey6 · 23/04/2019 11:14

I am so sorry & fuming for you and your mum. DN has put her in an awful position & really your DB1 doesn’t get it, or the wider implications. I have a similar right family & if my DNeice did this I would be gutted. I am also her god mother and she’s godmother to my 2. My mom would also be devastated, but she wouldn’t put her in this position as she cares and loves us all. I think your priority is now your mum. I would have to call the DN or his bride & calmly say that you “have got over yourselves” but not the disappointment or the disregard for your relationships going forward. As his cousin will be devastated too. But you wish them all the best. And can they please sort out transport arrangements for your Mum. Maybe DB1 can pick her up and arrange for transport back too, as part of the wedding costs.
I would also say to DB1 that you really don’t want it to affect your relationship with him, but it’s obvious that DN doesn’t hold much value in your input or relationship and that it deeply hurtful & to be told to get over yourself & be a taxi service (was he going to pay for petrol?) is very rude, disrespectful and hurtful after all these years of believing that you were a tight knit family. It’s pulled the rug from under you.
Spend more time with DB2 and always ask your mum over. Well done to your mum to speaking out.
DN should be the one to “get over himself”.
You will be saving a lot of future money!!
Unfortunately this is a learning curve and he’s shown himself up to be who he really is. So sorry OP, hope your mum is ok. You will be Smile

Bailey6 · 23/04/2019 11:18

Yes, your mum is extremely smart. Here’s to going forward! Tell your mom to ho to the ceremony, have the meal and come home for a party :-)

fuzzyduck1 · 23/04/2019 11:18

Think of it as a lucky escape that your not going. Can’t stand weddings.

Holidayshopping · 23/04/2019 11:19

To be honest, DN has had a baby still living at home with his mum and is using the money his dad has saved for his university fund/house deposit to fund a Saturday night fever style wedding, he already comes across as being a bit of a twat just from that.

I’m really interested to know what your history/relationship is with him as an adult? You see him every week at your mum’s, but is that because he’s there to see his gran?

If he was asked, how do you think HE thinks he gets on with you? What do you think he’d say about you? Is there more to this?

user1471590586 · 23/04/2019 11:31

Your mum is probably feels like she has been taken for granted and used by DN. She has been hosting for them for ages at the weekly meetups and now finds it's just a convenience for them. Did your mum cooks dinner for you all each week? If so your DN probably just saw it as a free meal.

CrotchetyQuaver · 23/04/2019 11:35

Oh dear it just gets worse with each update. Your DN/DB1 are a right pair. I stand by my comment several days ago now of bollocks to them. Your poor (but very astute) DM stuck in the middle.

LazyLizzy · 23/04/2019 11:38

Your DN is an absolute prick.

I would be mortified if I was DB1, looks like DN has been spoilt by both parents and has ended up a complete brat.

Have all future meet ups at DB2's house.

Don't engage in any wedding talk, even with your DM. It's nothing to do with you, they can all go and fuck themselves.

bonnielassie1 · 23/04/2019 11:40

It’s very clear DN is a fool but I don’t think your mum should of said anything!

qazxc · 23/04/2019 11:41

So DN wanted you to bring DM, sit in your car during ceremony and meal (hope you brought a good book and sandwiches as well as their expensive present) until the evening do. He's a deluded knob.

Original poster
jessicawessica · 23/04/2019 11:50

Free Sunday Lunch...never thought of it that way before.
I sort of feel sorry for DB1. His "boys" have always been the apple of his eye and he's bent over backwards for them. I think he's stuck now. Probably worried if he says anything he might find himself uninvited!

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 23/04/2019 11:53

I sort of feel sorry for DB1

Don't, he created that monster, so to speak. He should have spoken up for you and your other brother.

Whattodofgs · 23/04/2019 12:01

We would never have seen DN's true colours

This and the ten groomsmen in white at a posh country club definitely made me wonder if the DN is trying to make out he is something he isn't either to the Fiancée's family or to his work mates or something. ie. That he is posh and from a money background.

No offence jessicawessica you sound lovely as does your DM and DB2 but I can't help wondering if you aren't seen by DN as posh enough for his wedding. I wonder if this is what your Mum meant?

When DN is older and wiser he will probably regret this but I suspect too late. Family is family and posh notions usually end up in falling out with salt of the earth/ would do anything for you type people that you really need when the chips are down.

beanaseireann · 23/04/2019 12:10

jessicawessica
How do your family get on with your nephew's mother. The woman whose house he lives in with his fiancé and child ?
Could she have issued an ultimatum re your attendance at the wedding ?

Cath2907 · 23/04/2019 12:13

Your DN is an arse. Under the circumstances described you are quite right to be both hurt and insulted.

Original poster
jessicawessica · 23/04/2019 12:20

We all get on well with DN's mum. There's never been any issues there even when she and DB1 divorced.
Yes, that's what I was starting to think; that we're not posh enough.

OP posts:
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