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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 23/04/2019 10:27

I think OP looks like she definitely is “getting over herself” and cutting her awful nephew out of her life. Result for everyone.Grin

I can’t wait for the DN to ring OP and ask about that 60 mile lift for DM he’s assuming will just be agreed to.Wink

beanaseireann · 23/04/2019 10:28

jessicawessica
Your nephew is a complete and utter pr*ck.
He sounds awfully stupid. Big flashy wedding and refused money for a deposit on a house. He didn't invite the people who really care about him - you and your db2 who are his godparents. Just 150 others. And nephew can't see this is not on?
Your db1 has no problem with this and he's paying for the party. Hmm
Not the brightest crayons in the box are they ?
And the quiet fiancée should have stood up and said -"This isn't right. We see Aunt/ Godmother and Uncle/ Godfather every week. Aunt's daughter gets on great with our little dd. We should invite them."
But she didn't - she wasn't the mouse that roared.
What is your relationship like with nephew's Mum ?
Was it an acrimonious split from DB1 ?
How does she feel about her ex's family ?
Could she have influenced the decision?
You were absolutely right to decline the evening invitation.

thecatsthecats · 23/04/2019 10:28

saraclara I agree.

OP - look, I get that you're upset. I always 100% say that people are entitled to feel how they feel in any moment - good and bad feelings.

No one has a right to force those feelings onto someone else though with the express purpose of making that person feel bad or good also. Their feelings are their choice, and they aren't responsible for yours.

Your mum having a 'showdown' with them only makes me feel that yes, you all should be getting over it. You were right to not attend whilst you were feeling so upset, but not right to RSVP in haste, before you even had a chance to 'get over it' personally.

Yes, your nephew is being a dick. But I'd probably behave like a dick if there were family-wide Spanish fucking inquisitions into my personal choices too. (I certainly felt like it when my aunt called up to complain that I'd set my wedding date for her usual Christmas shopping weekedn...)

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 23/04/2019 10:29

The person I feel sorry for is the OP's DM. It sounds like she had a close family who all got on well and regulary met at her home. Suddenly 2 invitation cards have caused a huge fallout and a split between the siblings. She must be feeling so sad. I hope for her sake you somehow manage to find a solution to this.

Holidayshopping · 23/04/2019 10:29

Did your mum point out that it was hardly ‘dropping’ someone off that far away?

They sound very selfish and pretty awful. Why do they go to your mum’s every single Sunday? It is quite unusual to even see your own parents or in laws EVERY Sunday, let alone another relative.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/04/2019 10:30

DN said "Well we thought Auntie could "drop you off" and we haven't decided who's sitting where atm"

How fucking cheeky, I'm astounded by his nerve. So not only are you not invited but he wants you to be an unpaid taxi driver for his actual guests??

BlackeyedGruesome · 23/04/2019 10:30

oh goodness he is an idiot isn't he?

no more sunday dinners then, for free.

cheeseandpineapple · 23/04/2019 10:30

Why can’t B1 take your mum to the wedding and bring her back?

Halo84 · 23/04/2019 10:32

DN’s reaction would drive me away from him even more. I would not want to engage with him in any manner whatsoever in the future.

Qweenbee · 23/04/2019 10:34

Yes it's a pity if she didn't convey the hurt and upset bit. But yes Sundays at your brothers sound good instead. Dn will have to learn there are consequences to actions. Shame about the children's relationship, perhaps your dm could have the kids together on a few occasions without any adults.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 23/04/2019 10:35

B&G to be are both twats. Sounds like a good idea you meeting elsewhere for Sundays!

AryaStarkWolf · 23/04/2019 10:36

Why can’t B1 take your mum to the wedding and bring her back?

I think the Op said that DB1 was a groomsman so would be going with the wedding party?

foreverhanging · 23/04/2019 10:37

That's so bloody rude op, I hope your mum doesn't go either

Holidayshopping · 23/04/2019 10:37

Why can’t B1 take your mum to the wedding and bring her back?.

I think the op said he didn’t drive.

Your mum does drive though, just doesn’t have a car at the moment. If she is going to go (I wouldn’t!), she could hire a car for the day.

Is she going to continue these weekly dinners for DN?

IvanaPee · 23/04/2019 10:38

If I were you I’d send him a text/email saying:

“Hi DN I want to be clear now so you have time to make better arrangements for your grandmother. I won’t be available to give lifts to or from anything on the day of your wedding.”

scaryteacher · 23/04/2019 10:38

thecats The nephew is responsible though for how the OP is feeling, by his ignorance in not inviting her to the whole day, especially as she is also his Godmother. The further expectation that she would expend her time and petrol for free to transport her mother to a wedding that she is not invited to attend is also crass in the extreme. The nephew appears to be a groomzilla.

PuppyMonkey · 23/04/2019 10:41

“Their feelings are their choice, and they aren't responsible for yours.”

Well, yes they are responsible GrinHmm - they’ve been totally rude and thoughtless by snubbing their godparents.

Notwiththeseknees · 23/04/2019 10:42

I'm so sorry OP - your DN just seems to have no concept of the hurt and the rift he has created. Insulted is not the word I would have used to describe your feelings as you haven't come across as entitled. Bewildered? Rejected? Bemused?

If other people mediate they always lose a bit in the translation - usually the most pertinent bit! I think maybe your DM (as matriarch) should explain to DB1 the damage this has caused to your family and that he is not blameless. You are owed both an explanation and an apology. If they offered an invite now, if it were me, I would decline politely explaining it is not possible to change the holiday again. Polite disinterest with an undercurrent of disappointment is the way to go.

FWIW, I think that the rest of the family (her side) is a now a bit 'meh' about this long awaited & overly discussed event (after all, its been going on as long as Brexit now) and he is not getting the interest and the 'oohs' and the 'aahs' he feels it deserves This way he gets a bit more drama from it all and keeps the interest up.

He is an utter idiot and his father is not much better. Thanks

bellabasset · 23/04/2019 10:44

I think if I were OP I would just ignore it now, refuse to discuss it at all. But it's very hurtful when they see each other on a regular basis not to have been invited

user1471590586 · 23/04/2019 10:46

Does your mum even want to go to their wedding at all now? It really wasn't nice the way that DN spoke to her. He clearly doesn't care about anyone including your mum. He probably only invited you to the evening do so you could give your mum a lift home.
Also, have you found out how many family are going on the brides side? Going to look a bit odd to them that there is barely anyone from the nephews side.

SweetMarmalade · 23/04/2019 10:49

What an arse!

I feel sorry for your DM, who is probably now dreading the whole day. Well done DN.

I would be very tempted to message DN now that he’s well aware how you’re feeling but let him know rather than insulted, you’re hurt and confused (as another posted pointed out). That as you’d discussed cutting your holiday short to attend, you presumed you would be invited to the ceremony and that there’d never been any indication otherwise. I’d send him your best wishes and hope he has a wonderful day but sadly you won’t be able to attend. Even though it would be extremely tempting to tell him EXACTLY how you’re feeling be the bigger person now and draw a line.

Do as your DB2 has now suggested and meet at his for the foreseeable future.

Weezol · 23/04/2019 10:52

Bloody hell, N has enough brass neck to be worth weighing in for scrap.

northerngirl2012 · 23/04/2019 10:53

This is just SO rude of DN. We had a similar thing a few years ago ( well 15). My cousin arranged her wedding day, for s day when we were away travelling. We were away for 6 months and the date was a week before we came back. We were away when we got the verbal invite, so we declined, wishes them well then sent a card nearer the date.

All fine, but a week before the wedding they emailed astounded that we weren’t changing our return date of our trip so we could attend their wedding.

Things were quite strained with them for years!! They couldn’t understand why we didn’t rearrange our trip around their wedding. Similarly we couldn’t understand why if they wanted us there so badly that they’d arranged the date for a date they knew we couldn’t do!

theonewiththecats · 23/04/2019 10:53

its all crap but don't make your DM the piggy in the middle.

ineedaholidaynow · 23/04/2019 10:55

OP has DN always been unthinking or selfish, or do you think this is simply down to the wedding? I know pretty much everyone can get caught up in their wedding planning and there are enough bridezilla threads on here to show that some people can really get OTT. But you would like to think that either DB1 or the bride to be would realise that DN has gone too far.

Have to say I think the dynamics of the family Sunday get togethers have probably changed forever. Although I must admit I would find all living in the same village and always meeting up with local family every Sunday very stifling, and it would feel that you don't have your own lives. I certainly couldn't imagine being very happy with DH if he told me I had to meet up with all the in-laws every Sunday. So maybe this is possibly DN and his bride sort of trying to break away a bit from this, although very badly handled. Although with 10 groomsmen it also definitely smacks of ostentatious wedding

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