Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 23/04/2019 07:19

Has anyone actually spoken to DN?

BlackCatSleeping · 23/04/2019 07:31

What would you say to the nephew though?

ArgyMargy · 23/04/2019 07:36

OP is not just his aunt but also his godmother. There is irony there. Presumably she promised in a church to guide & support her nephew to live a Christian life...

RandomMess · 23/04/2019 07:38

Just so bloody sad and thoughtless.

Thanks it's a horrible way to find out how little you mean to your DN.

leckford · 23/04/2019 08:25

Don’t worry it probably won’t last, all they do is think about the vast amount of money they are spending on one day, what are they going to think about after that?

You might get an invite to the next wedding ...

saraclara · 23/04/2019 08:32

The OP attempted calm communication, and was told it’s DN’s day, and he is free to invite, or not invite, anyone he wishes.

This was reparable, but OP’s DB1 decided he didn’t care enough about her, or DB2, to bother to attempt to fix things. That suggests to me how much he views those relationships as important in his life.

No-one has spoken to the nephew, and the OP returned her RSVP before any amount of time had passed that might have led to a different conclusion.
But that wasn't really my point. I'm much more concerned at the MN posters who are encouraging retaliation and spiteful behavior which will lead to a fractured family.
Surely we should be encouraging making one's point whole being considerate of the effect on the wider family? And sinking to an even lower level than the person whose action started this is never a good look.

scaryteacher · 23/04/2019 08:34

saraclara The nephew, who is presumably an adult, has caused this. If someone is old enough to get married, and be a parent, they are presumably aware that actions have consequences.

You may be saintly in your responses to such behaviour, but most people find it hard to get past behaviour that is hurtful. There also comes a point when you have to stand your ground so that the offender gets the message they are hurting people, and for your own self esteem. Not everyone has doormat written on their foreheads.

Mememeplease · 23/04/2019 09:22

Don't fall out with DB1. If he wants to get into a discussion/apologise just say 'Look- it's done. Let's just get on with it. No point in falling out over a wedding. Yes, we are hurt by it but I don't want it to affect our relationship with you. Look on the bright side - we'll have the money we would have spenton outfits and presents to spend on our holiday. ' Don't go any further than that.

I have to say that is probably the best way to handle it.
I might be popping in on Saturdays a bit more though, rather than Sunday.

Littlenic73 · 23/04/2019 09:46

The way i understand it, If it's a church wedding technically anyone can attend the ceremony itself, invited or not. That's why they have that question about does anyone know any reason why the couple cannot get married. Not sure if the same applies to other venues. If it's in church there's nothing to stop you from attending, even if you haven't been invited to the reception. Nobody is obliged to attend anyone else's wedding so it's up to you whether you attend or not.

Bittern11 · 23/04/2019 09:51

@Littlenic73 - FFS THE WEDDING IS NOT IN A CHURCH!!!! HOW MANY TIMES??

Kateguide · 23/04/2019 09:52

Hello OP, just read this thread and if a close family member, who I was also godmother to and saw regularly didn't invite me I would also be upset. I would also be disappointed with DB1 over his reaction.

How old are the bride and groom? Are they quite young? Early to mid 20s? Just wondering how emotionally mature they are as they seem to think their decision won't impact at all on your relationship. I often think adults should be reminded of what we teach our 4 year olds - your actions have consequences so you need to think carefully about the choices you make.

To me it sounds like they just want a big showy wedding. You say that DB1 has saved money for DN and he could spend it on a house deposit or a wedding....... and he chose a wedding with 10 groomsmen! Says it all really! I don't know any sensible young person who would put a wedding over home ownership especially when they are living at the inlaws but each to their own!

I personally would talk to DN and tell him honestly that you are disappointed. How can he learn from this if he doesn't know, sounds like he is completely oblivious. Please try to not let this become a permanent wedge in your family. Be pissed off now, but let it go. It's not worth it. I would give him a £20 John Lewis voucher.

Merryoldgoat · 23/04/2019 09:54

@Bittern11

Beat me to it! Grin

Plus, who the fuck goes to a wedding they’re not invited to, whether you’re ‘allowed’ to or not?

Littlenic73 · 23/04/2019 09:54

@Bittern11 I didn't say it was, I said IF it was, that would be the case.

Bittern11 · 23/04/2019 10:09

Well, fuck me backwards, what's the point of mentioning it if it's completely irrelevant to the OP's situation??

Original poster
jessicawessica · 23/04/2019 10:13

So, saw mum yesterday, she also came to DB2s in the evening.
Apparently, on Sunday, she sort of lost it.
"They all sat there, still banging on about this bloody wedding" she said.
She said "Do you know why your aunt and uncle aren't here today? Because they feel insulted that they haven't been invited to the ceremony".
She said DN laughed and said we "needed to get over ourselves then".
She asked him how she was supposed to get to the venue and who she was supposed to be seated next to, as she's never even met the brides family.
DN said "Well we thought Auntie could "drop you off" and we haven't decided who's sitting where atm"
"Drop you off"! It's a 60 mile round trip.
B1 said NOTHING.
Mum was fuming but she dropped it at that.
At the evening barbeque DB2 suggested we should all just meet up at his house on a Sunday instead from now on.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 23/04/2019 10:13

Normally I'm of the "their wedding, they can invite who they want mentality" but it does seem like a bit of a snub in this case, when you seem close and they've spent every sunday for the last 2 years talking about it with you. Also, how cheeky to send the gift list with the evening invite

saraclara · 23/04/2019 10:15

@scaryteacher you're missing the point.

The OP needs to talk calmly with the nephew in order to put across the hurt. But what she's doing instead is getting the whole family involved. It should have been a simple one to one conversation, but instead everyone's getting wound up and the family are going to end up splitting into factions.

The hurt is entirely understandable, and yes, nephew needs to know that. I'm not a doormat, I just don't invite more trouble into people's lives than I need to. I front up and address the issue myself. And the OP isn't doing that.

saraclara · 23/04/2019 10:17

Ah. Just saw what happened on Sunday. Nephew IS a prick, then.

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/04/2019 10:20

Sounds like the b&g don’t give a toss about you or your mum or db

As neither does your other brother

I wouldn’t bother with meet ups with them anymore

ToftyAC · 23/04/2019 10:21

DN? Total wanker.

scaryteacher · 23/04/2019 10:22

I would be making it clear that it's now a DN/DB1 problem how your Mum gets to the wedding, and I wouldn't be facilitating this in any way at all.

DN will need ' to get over himself' when he needs something from his family, and it's refused. It will also impact on the relationships his daughter has with the kids in the family too. Same for DB1. The damage has been done now.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/04/2019 10:22

Ah. Just saw what happened on Sunday. Nephew IS a prick, then.

It sounds like it. You would have thought if he wasn't planning to invite the OP and her brother, he would have been more tactful around them, not going on about the wedding so much or would have said something to them when they said they would change the holiday return date. He clearly knew at that point that they assumed they would going to the wedding, he should have said something back then

Bittern11 · 23/04/2019 10:24

'D'N? Selfish tosser. Unbelievable.
'D'B1? Weak and useless.

But your dm shouldn't have said you were 'insulted' not to be invited; she should have said hurt and upset.

scaryteacher · 23/04/2019 10:25

saraclara Glad you now realise what the rest of us have seen for some time, and have experienced from members of our own families, hence we recognise the scenario.

IvanaPee · 23/04/2019 10:26

Wtf is going on here?

They thought you could “drop her off” 60 miles to leave her alone, drive back home, then come back later???

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.
Swipe left for the next trending thread