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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 22/04/2019 12:08

Stop being so wet.

IF all day invites arrive and you still don’t want to go, then TELL them why, don’t blame extending your holiday. If someone has pissed you off or hurt you, it is fine to let them know that. It’s no wonder he has no emotional intelligence when you all shield him from the bloody truth all the time.

You SHOULD tell him now how disappointed you are that given you spend every Sunday with them and have discussed their wedding weekly for two years and your (yours his etc) kids have all been getting excited about it, that he hadn’t invited you. Tell him you find it inexplicable & hurtful. He won’t die from hearing the truth.

feelingsinister · 22/04/2019 12:11

@jessicawessica surely if you want to know why then you have to speak to your nephew and/or his partner. I think you should do this as it's their wedding.

I get that your brother is paying for it but that doesn't mean he has an influence over the guest list or should be the go-between.

Have a chat with him, explain that you're hurt and ask him to help you understand why.

I understand you're upset but I think you're being quite immature by dodging family events that you always attend and avoiding your nephew.
Don't contribute to this rift that's developing and get it sorted. Your other brother isn't really helping matters either.

Jesus, just talk to each other!

Original poster
jessicawessica · 22/04/2019 12:11

I would have taken DS2 and DD (DS1 not bothered)
DB2 would have taken DD1 and DD2 (DS not bothered)

OP posts:
EWAB · 22/04/2019 12:18

But did your nephew know who wasn’t ‘bothered’. For example DB2 it now emerges has a partner; would they want to go? How about niece’s partner and kids? Does nephew know that they’re ‘not bothered ‘?
I think this puts another spin on it.

saraclara · 22/04/2019 12:19

Yep. I either missed those other people in the equation, or we have a drip feed.

Livvylovesgin · 22/04/2019 12:21

I think DN and bride haven't been held to account or had any opportunity to have an adult discussion about this. Lots of passive aggressive but no clear communication with him.
The repercussions could last and last. Talk now, resolve even if it is to agree to differ but explain your feelings, listen to theirs and move on.

Twenty years of NC in my family since a wedding dispute!

SnuggyBuggy · 22/04/2019 12:24

For a 150 guest wedding (with 10 groomsmen in white Hmm) it doesn't sound like that many extra family members to invite

EWAB · 22/04/2019 12:27

In the light of these new people emerging I think that the nephew should be told that there is no expectation re: partners and kids and only aunt/uncle need to be included.
( Then the sister-in-law can start a thread)

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 22/04/2019 12:29

Just RTWT and wanted to add another voice saying that DN and his bride to be have been immensely rude and unkind. I'd be very hurt and angry in your shoes, jessicawessica.

Mind you, 10 frickin groomsmen and he doesn't have his own home? That's a boy with very dodgy priorities and delusions of grandeur too.

vinegarqueen · 22/04/2019 12:30

As much as I hate the whole ”invited to the evening do only” thing, some people have a different sense of what is important - my BIL didn't invite his aunt to the ceremony because they felt that the evening do was the good bit, and it would have rankled if FIL hadn't let them know, and then they invited them and apologized and it was fine. Aunt and Uncle are wonderful people and let it go. If you like them you should do them the courtesy of giving them the opportunity of making things right and making it clear you wanted to go to the ceremony. DN may not even know you weren't invited, or it may be an oversight.

IvanaPee · 22/04/2019 12:31

I don’t think Jessica should be annoyed about the children not being invited.

But it’s understandable that she and db2 should have been invited!

Mememeplease · 22/04/2019 12:32

Actually it does sound as if there are a lot more people that Dn would have had to invite. They wouldn't know that these people would decline or not be bothered about an invite.

Having said that expectations should have been managed previously and wedding talk kept to a minimum.

Moomoomoomoomoo · 22/04/2019 12:32

IF all day invites arrive and you still don’t want to go, then TELL them why, don’t blame extending your holiday.

Exactly, don’t use excuses. If he’s old enough to make decisions that will hurt other people, he’s old enough to be told about it. He needs to own what he’s done and the damage caused.

OoohAyyye · 22/04/2019 12:33

I really don't understand how if you're so close it's difficult to actually tell him how you feel? If you're worried about receiving a pity invite you have good grounds to reasonably decline and at least you've shared your thoughts.

You're mature enough surely to express your confusion as to why you're not invited? And considering how much time all the DC spend together it would have been lovely for them also. That you're hurt you won't see him get married. Just talk to him?

Your brother is definitely playing tit for tat and it all seems very silly tbh.

Helplessfeeling · 22/04/2019 12:34

TakeTheHighRoad or BeTheBetterPerson, That can get very frustrating when you are forced to do it all the time though, especially when no one else seems to live by it!

Mememeplease · 22/04/2019 12:34

And yes it's utter madness to spend all that money on one day when it could have been used as a deposit.
Dn to want to put it to a wedding
And
Db1 to agree that he could use it for a wedding.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 22/04/2019 12:36

Hi op - have read the whole thread, but might have missed - may I ask what ages are your DN and his fiancee? Also, what are they employed as?

notmuchmoretogive · 22/04/2019 12:37

But she isn't extending her holiday! She can go back to her original dates for her holiday.

I would've thought with all this wedding talk every Sunday for two years (yawn!) that they would've said 'we're in a real predicament re numbers and want to check who would like to come/if any teens would rather not' or 'don't cut your holiday short as we're only asking you to the evening bit' or 'no children I'm afraid' - something along those lines. It just seems so unlikely not to have come and allowed aunt and uncle to be so shocked / hurt. Confused

jpclarke · 22/04/2019 12:47

I feel awful for you ending up in this situation, none of which has been your own doing. Probably a bit of a long shot but is there any chance they picked up the wrong invite by mistake.

Bambamrubblesmum · 22/04/2019 12:49

OP what could they do to make amends?

Or is there no way back. Seems a very sad rift in an otherwise close knit family.

redshifter · 22/04/2019 12:49

What about DNs Mother?
Is there no family on her side?
I'm guessing she was RP for a while and her son is still living with her now.
She doesn't come to these weekly Sunday gatherings at his DGMs house.
Is there bad feeling on on her and your families side. Maybe she wants her family or friends at wedding too. Maybe she doesn't want you there?
This could be awkward for DN. After all his DMs wishes/feelings would come before his aunt and uncle's.
She brought him up and is still helping him.
Also I agree with a PP. It could be he had different feelings about how close you are because he sees you when you go to his GMs at the same time because he wants to see her. He may spend more time and feel closer to his DMs siblings. Or are there none or if they are. Are they invited?

Apricot80s · 22/04/2019 12:57

I don't think it's fair to have discussed with db1 and then just gone silent and distant.

You should've gone direct to dn as that is who the invitation was from!

And you are family so I don't understand why you would just avoid it like this and let the rift deepen. Discuss it in person and share your upset. You posted on here and the majority agree that yanbu so go confidently and discuss it.

Although having read about the additional family members I wouldn't be surprised about them not being invited.

But I think you, db2 and perhaps his partner (depending on length of their relationship) should've all received invites for the full day.

And are there really no relatives on dn's mum's side?

theonewiththecats · 22/04/2019 12:58

Bride and groom have been very hurtful BUT it's obvious that you are not very important to them. so I think it is save to assume that they won't be too bothered if you decline and that there won't be big repercussions. Much noise around nothing. Just turn it down politely, no need for this drama. Have a longer holiday instead.

Plus, wedding sounds like a rather wanky affair you could do without.

RandomMess · 22/04/2019 13:10

Must be so hurtful after being an active part of his life forever Sad

Guess you can dial down on both the Aunt and Godparent duties from now on.

mrsgandy · 22/04/2019 13:13

Just read the updates . Sorry it all became so awful . Hope you enjoy some time with your mum today and also the Bbq .

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