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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
TerryWogansWilly · 22/04/2019 11:00

Yes. It’s his wedding. He can invite who he wants to turn up when he wants.

If you're going to talk about your wedding to people who aren't invited for two bloody years. Then yes, that is unreasonable.

Wouldn't buy a gift either.

Lunde · 22/04/2019 11:05

@saraclara - So you've still not actually communicated properly and tried to resolve this. And your previously close family is about to implode

Well OP posted yesterday that she and also uncle DB2 had both spoken to the groom's father (DB1) and got a "nothing I can do" response. So there's not much more to be said is there?

WindypopsWendy · 22/04/2019 11:09

What with the small village and the 10 groomsmen to be all dressed in white (one wonders what the bridesmaids will be wearing-will there be 10 of those too?) DN & DNF are bound to get wind of this thread.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 22/04/2019 11:09

Well it's done now.
None of you will forget,
You both won't forget not being invited
They won't forget you didn't come

but once the wedding is over you'll all (if your adults) move on. And in a couple of years it'll just be a dot in family history. hopefully

Mememeplease · 22/04/2019 11:13

What will you do if they invite you to the whole do now?

Unfortunately the damage has been done already. It will be hard to come back from this, certainly for a while.

Something similar, but not so bad, happened in our family many years ago. There were a frosty few years where everyone avoided each other but it's all fine now. It was forgotten over time.

MRex · 22/04/2019 11:15

I love @museumsandgalleries666's idea for the gift of a charitable contribution. I'd go in on it with DB2's family; a whole herd of goats for other families, one per family member who wasn't invited to the wedding. Then you've given a gift!

I'm surprised DN hasn't phoned either of you now he knows what's gone on, at least to have the conversation himself. If you don't want a rift then perhaps a text message to suggest that he gives you a call later in the week to talk through the issue. I can see why DB2 doesn't want them at the BBQ, but it risks making things worse.

I'm contemplating doing a charitable gift now for a selfish young man in my own family who has a birthday coming up. Hmmmmm. So tempting.

HJWT · 22/04/2019 11:15

Some family are just ass holes op!

MRex · 22/04/2019 11:19

I think you should prepare yourself and DB2 that if the 7 all day invitations turn up then I think you'll have to go to ensure good family relations going forward, and forget about it --in a few years --and maybe get the goats as their wedding gift anyway.

TheSerenDipitY · 22/04/2019 11:22

So you've still not actually communicated properly and tried to resolve this. And your previously close family is about to implode

to be fair it actually imploded when they were passed on the invites that said they were not actually invited to the long awaited wedding, just the cash bar piss up afterwards, and the cousins that were looking forward to being there they dont even get that ,
he at least could have had the courtesy to not let them change holiday plans and take a day of annual leave from work for a wedding that they are not invited to....
its the wedding they wanted to be at, to see their nephew, their godson get married, their nephew/godson that they have sat with for 2 years of Sunday lunches listening to the wedding plans.... the one he led them to believe they would be attending

Original poster
jessicawessica · 22/04/2019 11:24

A pity/guilt invite?
That would be an even bigger insult than not being invited to the ceremony in the first place.
I would have to decline. But at least I could use the extending our holiday excuse.

OP posts:
TheSerenDipitY · 22/04/2019 11:28

good for you Jessicawessica
take an extra day or so with the kids and do something fun on the day/night so you dont think about it too much
im truly sorry this has happened to you are your family, when you posted about your phone call with your brother my eyes started to bloody leak for you!!!
i hope you have the best holiday that you and the kids could possibly have and have a ton of great lasting memories

SmellsLikeAdultSpirit · 22/04/2019 11:30

DN and his fiance made their choice. What is there to communicate. They have clearly said that OP and her DB are not considered close family
It would be rude to ask them why or start having family meetings to discuss their decision
Bring called childish for not discussing is pathetic what do posters expect them to do
And yes. If an invitation turned up how could you possibly go now. Perhaps if DN came round and apologised for his thoughtlessness. And the grabby fucker still expected and expensive present

BlackCatSleeping · 22/04/2019 11:34

I think it all needs time. He can’t just expect everything to be bright and breezy as if nothing happened, but maybe with time it will get better.

saraclara · 22/04/2019 11:36

So them recognising that they made a mistake wouldn't suit you either, OP?
I really don't know what you wanted to come out of this then.

BlackCatSleeping · 22/04/2019 11:37

Perhaps an apology would have been a good place to start? 🤷‍♀️

Mememeplease · 22/04/2019 11:38

He can't still feel that he'll be able to turn up at your mum's every Sunday as if nothing had happened, can be? Surely he'll have the sense to stay away for a while.

notmuchmoretogive · 22/04/2019 11:38

I think he's been an idiot. If they'd had a very intimate ceremony and then you'd been invited from 2pm for meal etc then fine. I agree that a pity invite wouldn't fix things, extend your holiday. Presumably DB2 can cancel his days' leave and use at another time.

Hepzibar · 22/04/2019 11:40

The fact that DN was planning an EE hunt suggests he really doesn't see anything wrong in his actions. Maybe the penny began to drop when you all weren't there as usual.

The damage is done and it's difficult to see how he can repair this in the short term. I am thinking, he will think blood is thicker than water and you will eventually come around.

EWAB · 22/04/2019 11:48

When a pivotal member of a family is still alive I think it often gives a false impression of family relationships. If OP’s mother was no longer with us I wonder if OP would feel as close to nephew or even still see him.
I reckon the nephew just sees aunt and uncle as just happening to be at Gran’s at same time as him being there to see Gran.
However if I had been him I would have closed all wedding talk down so those not invited would have had no expectations.
Talking about wedding was biggest mistake.
Nephew though has as much right to go to Gran’s as anyone.
Totally get why OP is upset because I would be but she and the brother has to put mother first and not make it difficult for her.

Original poster
jessicawessica · 22/04/2019 11:50

Even if he did do a U turn and sent new invitations, we couldn't possibly go and sit through the ceremony knowing full well that we aren't really wanted there.
An apology would be nice, but I'd be far more interested in his reason why we've been left out of the ceremony.
Like I said earlier...I could totally understand if DN had a massive family, but it's only his mum, dad, brother and grandma... then me and DB2.

OP posts:
CrotchetyQuaver · 22/04/2019 11:52

@saraclara it's a bit too late really! The damage has already been done by the "afterthought" invitation only to the evening do. The OP is his Aunt and Godmother and in most families that would warrant a full invitation to the whole ceremony. This is a big wedding with 150 guests so there's no clear explanation why he did that other than he didn't think enough of her.

If he issues the full invitation now it's clearly an afterthought. It wouldn't be enough for me either OP.

EWAB · 22/04/2019 11:53

You mentioned a shed load of other relatives though who are normally at Gran’s maybe he thought he would have to invite them as well.

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 22/04/2019 11:53

Yes, as DN clearly hasn't realised the rift you need to make it clear how hurt you are. You never know, there might be a perfectly reasonable explanation (unlikely but still). Otherwise things will get more uncomfortable, not least putting your mum in an awkward position

RosaWaiting · 22/04/2019 12:01

OP agree, if you get an invite now, there's no point accepting it

but also I think there's no point asking for a "reason". They have made it clear that you are not that important to them. I know that sucks, but there's no point extending the upset by asking them.

EWAB · 22/04/2019 12:04

Normally there would be me and 2 DCs, DB2 and his partner with 2 DCs, DB2's daughter, husband and 1DC as well as DB1, DN fiancee and their DD.**
That’s at least 8 others you haven’t mentioned plus earlier you mentioned DB 2’s 15 year old.
In this case is it worth your mum stating that there would be no expectation of the others being invited just you and DB2?
I maintain they shouldn’t have talked about it.

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