Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
Stiffasaboard · 22/04/2019 13:18

Hmm @redshifter has made an interesting point.
I wonder if DNephew has a very different idea of what the closeness is.

Still he should have discussed expectation when they met on sundays about the ceremony etc but some people just don’t understand that it’s important to others.

SweetMarmalade · 22/04/2019 13:24

I actually do think DB1 should have maybe discussed with his Ds (your DN) about the guest list. Seems like he was aware that you and your DB2 weren’t invited to the ceremony. Wonder what his take on it is? Your DN must have discussed this with DB1.

So yes, I think he could have had some influence (if he’d wanted to) on the guest list, after all he’s paying for the wedding.

DN sounds like a bit of a spoilt brat. I wouldn’t have given him the option of what to spend the money on. One day and thousands of pounds is gone when it could have been used on bricks and mortar.

You’re better off enjoying your holiday OP.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 22/04/2019 13:33

OK so you're just arguing for the sake of it. People were just giving you credit for not holding a completely daft position. Nobody is going to give money towards something they think is rude/unkind/an arseholish thing to do.

You keep on saying the same thing. What’s that if not arguing for the sake of it? And you’re STILL making comments like ‘Nobody would do this’ when, if that was true, the thread wouldn’t exist!

Whether you think it would be for the right reasons is irrelevant. Whether you think the father has a right to do it is irrelevant. Stating ‘Do this or you don’t get the money’ is absolutely controlling.

notmuchmoretogive · 22/04/2019 13:35

Really? Why has it been hidden?

SandyY2K · 22/04/2019 13:38

Not read all 30 pages, but if this happened to me, I'd declined and tell my DB I was disappointed with it.

Tbf my DB would expect us there and be fuming, so I expect he would sort it out...although it would still upset me that my DN had only invited me to the evening.

There's no way my DC wouldn't invite their Aunts/Uncles and all cousins to their wedding. They're all exceedingly close to each other.

user1488464056 · 22/04/2019 13:38

Hidden in plain sight?

Holidayshopping · 22/04/2019 13:40

I would have taken DS2 and DD (DS1 not bothered)DB2 would have taken DD1 and DD2 (DS not bothered)

But all these people are ‘bothered’ enough to spend every Sunday at your mum’s house? I presume your nephew didn’t know they wouldn’t be bothered when they were counting heads for the invites?

How many extras is that?

milksoffagain · 22/04/2019 13:44

Haven't got time to read whole thread right now, so sorry if this is repeating anyone but I think that the only way to repair or lessen a family rift is not to ignore it but to actually confront them politely and calmly and state how their invitation has made you feel.

They have caused hurt and bad feeling and made everyone feel awkward and not talking about it will mean it festers and has no chance whatsoever of repair. Of course they can ask whoever/whenever they like but they have handled your expectations so badly. Spinelessly!

If (big if) there is a reasonable explanation then they will have a chance to tell you their thinking. Be pleasant - they surely know they have caused upset and if they don't then they need to.

feelingsinister · 22/04/2019 13:57

I don't understand why it's the father's job to intervene and sort this out.
How many times have we read on here that parents feel like they have control over the guest list because they're paying and it's unfair. Paying for it should not come with conditions about what to do or who to invite.

It's her nephews wedding so talk to him!

IncrediblySadToo · 22/04/2019 14:03

I don’t think Jessica should be annoyed about the children not being invited

Why not? She adores her little cousin, they’ve been discussing it every bloody Sunday for as far back as her DD can probably remember (2 years!). Why shouldn’t her DD be looking forward to it?! Now she’s not invited, at all, why shouldn’t Jessica be annoyed her DC aren’t invited?

I really am getting to the point where a) I’m hoping this is made up and b) the lack of emotional intelligence on here is really driving me batshit.

Of course people can invite who the hell they want, the question is, why don’t they want to invite family they spend every Sunday with? And how emotionally stunted do you have to be to spend every fucking Sunday discussing it with family then not invite them?!?!

englishdictionary · 22/04/2019 14:05

An apology would be nice, but I'd be far more interested in his reason why we've been left out of the ceremony

Fucking ask him then.

Honestly this thread is the biggest load of shite. Excuses for not communicating, avoiding your own mothers house and lying about your holiday set up and your child be unwell.

Just fucking ask. After all, you are so close 🤷🏻‍♀️

IncrediblySadToo · 22/04/2019 14:07

How many extras is that?

They’re not extras. They’re family that the rude as shit nephew spends every bloody Sunday with! And ALL noted in the OP’s second post.

user1467718508 · 22/04/2019 14:13

It's obviously come as a big shock and I can see why you feel hurt.

But...I also agree that your DN doesn't know which of yours and DB2s 6 kids aren't bothered about going. Perhaps they just made a budget call based on numbers.

...Perhaps he's also just being honest and acknowledging that although being related, you're not actually that close?

From now on just take a step back and match his level of interest in your relationship. I wouldn't blame DB1 or put your DM in an awkward middleman negotiator position.
At least you know where you stand.

Troels · 22/04/2019 14:20

It makes no sense to me. Massive wedding with hundreds in attendance, yet no room for his tiny close family. It sounds to me like his Df has decided it's her weding and it's all her friends and extended family coming and she's only inviting bare minimum on his side, just his Mum Dad Gran and siblings. Sad really.

feelingsinister · 22/04/2019 14:21

Is it possible that the nephew is choosing to spend Sundays with his grandmother and the other family happen to be there too. That doesn't necessarily make it a close relationship.

As a kid I spent quite a lot of time with relatives that I didn't feel particularly close to and didn't spend any time with when my grandparents both died.

jelliebelly · 22/04/2019 14:22

The more I hear about DN the less I like him - this wedding really is all about him showing off to his mates isn't it? Family ties obviously not at all important to him. You are however being unreasonable it not just going to your mums and giving him the reply whilst explaining you were disappointed .

NannyRed · 22/04/2019 14:24

It’s your nieces wedding, it’s up to her who she invites.
Just like it’s up to you if you attend or decline the invitation.

Megs4x3 · 22/04/2019 14:25

Not everyone who is invited to an occasion accepts. The chances of 150 invitees actually accepting and turning up are remote. Numbers at weddings are never that tight when not-so-close friends and acquaintances are involved so it's really a bit churlish to say that inviting two godparents and their children would overstretch everything.

Regardless of who is paying for what and who is close to who, I'm not a bit surprised, given what the op has said that her feelings are hurt and she is upset for her mum.

ALannisterInDebt · 22/04/2019 14:30

I know some are saying OP should be discussing this with them....but surely her declined RSVP through the letterbox and radio silence tells them exactly why she's upset? (And she's spoken to DB about it, so he will have told them she's questioned the invite)

If I was OP, I'd worry that trying to discuss it with them would be like asking for a pity invite...when actually her silence is more dignified?

Moomoo1975 · 22/04/2019 14:35

Is there any chance that they muddled the invitations and made a mistake?

EvaHarknessRose · 22/04/2019 14:37

Kids just don't understand wedding etiquette or people's feelings and their modern parents won't tell them who to invite. This happened and caused a rift in dhs family which was only healed when a parent got admitted to hospital unexpectedly - everyone remembered what is actually important. Hope you can reconcile OP but I do understand how upset you are it's a very weird decision.

IncrediblySadToo · 22/04/2019 14:42

As a kid I spent quite a lot of time with relatives that I didn't feel particularly close to and didn't spend any time with when my grandparents both died

Did you also spend two years banging on about your wedding then not invite them?. If not, it’s really not the same thing.

IvanaPee · 22/04/2019 14:42

Because @IncrediblySadToo a lot of people don’t have children at weddings.

I thought that was fairly self-explanatory.

IncrediblySadToo · 22/04/2019 14:47

IvanaPee

What?

Because @IncrediblySadToo a lot of people don’t have children at weddings. I thought that was fairly self-explanatory

No one has said it’s a child free wedding fir starters. Secondly, if the children weren’t going to be invited Shitty Nephew should have TOLD them that instead of spending TWO YEARS banging on about the wedding, leading them to believe they’d be invited and getting excited about it.

I would have thought that wouldn’t have needed explaining 🤷🏻‍♀️

feelingsinister · 22/04/2019 14:47

@IncrediblySadToo They are invited, just not to the bit they want to be.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.
Swipe left for the next trending thread