Aibu for thinking the world doesn't stop if you work nights?

[Ilovepizzatoomuch]

I have never worked nights so I don't know if am I being unreasonable and not supportive but I am seriously struggling with DH's night working and constant using it as an excuse to get out of things.

For background, we have been together 10 years, two DC who are nearly 3 (twins). I work full time normal office hours and have recently taken over a management role, so a bit of adjusting on my part as well. Dh has always worked shifts, including nights, but for the last 18 months it had been every other week is night work.

When dh is on nights this is the typical pattern:
I get DC up, dressed and ready for childminder drop off. Can drop off any time from 730 and we are normally there at 730 so I can try and miss as much traffic as possible. However we wait for dh to get home (finishes at 630 but has around 35 - 40 min commute) this can mean we are late to the childminder and I get caught in more traffic but I think I it's important for dh to see DC in the morning. (Unless he is going to be really late then he will ring and let me know)

Generally, unless I am travelling for work or anything I will work from 0830 - 1730, then do a 30 mins drive back to pick DC up, usually arriving just before last pick up time as dh will still be in bed.

We get home, depending on how dh has slept, he will come down, say hello to me and DC and then go back to bed leaving us to have tea, do bath and bed. Dh will then get up around 9pm, shower and go to work.

In the meantime, there is washing that has to be done ( usually by me), dishwasher to empty (again me) food shops to sort (me) and pets to feed and clean (me)

As mentioned above I have just taken over a new role which is challenging but I am really enjoying but comes with more responsibilities. There are times when I need to stay later but due to dh not being able to pick DC up, I have to leave and quite often log in from home, which means working after all of the above is done and sometimes not logging off until gone 11pm, getting about 7 hours sleep at best (I don't sleep great when dh isn't in the house) and starting all over again.

When I have asked for more help when he is on nights all I get is that he is so tired and doesn't have the mental capacity for anything else. I survive on about 6 hours a night sleep but am expected to do all of the above.

But then I have never worked nights so not sure if it is unreasonable?

Alternating days and night shifts are horrible. As someone else said it's like you are permanently jet lagged.

Some people are better suited to working nights than others and it might be that it just is not right for your dh.

I used to do 1 week nights (7 days in a row) 3 weeks days and that was bad enough. On the first night I would have been awake for 24 hours straight (going from days to nights) then be shattered when I got home so go straight to bed but wake by 4pm. The rest of the week I would sleep progressively worse and feel iller and iller. By about the 5th night I would sleep from 8am - 4pm, get up for a couple of hours and then go back to bed from 6pm - 8pm and then get up for work.

If you think about it, on a day shift you probably get up 2-3 hours before you start work and go to bed about 4 hours after work. So say he works 7 - 7 you would think that he would go to bed at about 11am and then get up at 5pm. But some people find that if they can't sleep if they stay up that long after they get home so go straight to bed but then they wake up mid afternoon so by the time they go to work they've been up for like 5 hours already. Day workers wouldn't cope like that would they?

Shift work just leaves you chronically sleep deprived. That being said it isn't fair on you either. Can you both sit down and try to work out a plan that suits you both? I think I would first work out a sleep plan that suits your husband. Whatever he needs to get through. I don't think he is sleeping from 8am - 8pm or whatever he is currently doing. He is likely up and awake for some of that time so within that awake time factor in some chores that he can do. Can he load the washing machine at night before he goes to work, then either set it to come on very early in the morning or you switch it on when you get up. By the time he gets home it's done and he can hang it out before he goes to bed. Basically laundry becomes his job. If he gets up for a couple of hours mid afternoon he can do some housework in that time.

Yes he needs to prioritise his sleep by the sounds of it but then within that he needs to work out how to fit in household chores too. He might just need to be flexible about how he does them.

This was my experience OP, dh would sleep and go to work but I think nights are very tough on the body but it is very frustrating.

DecomposingComposers day workers do cope like that, of course they do - plenty of people work evenings having been up all day. When I do lates 2pm to 10pm I've been up since 5:45am with the kids.

Shift work isn't for everyone but this guy is either milking it or very much not cut out for it. Having his phone on and replying to messages when "in bed" for 14 hours suggests either he's 7sing nights as an excuse to how upstairs playing on his phone and skiving off from childcare and chores for 6 hours he's not sleeping, or he has terrible, terrible sleep hygiene and lack of awareness of why he can't sleep!

Seems like the phone is the problem! I can be tired, tell DH I'm going up to bed at 9.30pm and an hour later I'm still mumsnetting/facebooking etc. He needs to leave the phone downstairs.

archivearmadillo of course, I am sure that there are people who do that.

Just as some people function brilliantly on 4 or 5 hours sleep (or less). Then there are others who need 10 hours a night. Some people are larks, others owls.

I think the problems arise when you force your body into a pattern that doesn't suit it.

Maybe the dh here needs to look at changing his job to days only?

He’s taking the piss

My DH works nights as a doctor and is on his feet pretty much all night long. He gets up at 5pm for a shift that starts at 8pm and when he's transitioning back to day shifts he tries to not go to bed or failing that gets a few hours and is up by midday-1pm (gets home from his shift at 9am).... He mucks in with everything we need to do... YANBU

My DH worked nights whilst our two DD were younger, and now he works 5pm - 1am plus about an hour overtime minimum so still pretty antisocial hours.

From when DD1 was born for three years though he worked 9pm til 6am (if there was no overtime) in a job that involves constant activity and being stood up /carrying heavy objects etc.

It genuinely took me three years to get to a level of understanding about how he felt, his sleep etc etc and for him to accept that yes he was tired and knackered but I don't wake up when I am fully rested either, rather when it is time to get shit done.

Your DH is taking the piss, although I do think one week on one week off work is worse as he can never get into a proper sleeping pattern for his body clock. On those type of hours he should be sleeping 7am til 3pm, getting up, doing half an hour around the house, spending some quick quality time with the kids and getting ready to leave in less than 20 mins.

Mine also starts getting ready an hour before leaving work (shower, finding of uniform, last minute food, packing work things etc etc and it does my nut in! I get me and two DD ready and out in 35 mins!)

Ask him to try this op,stay up when he gets home from work and go to bed after lunch,early afternoon.this will help him readjust to a normal sleeping pattern in rest days,be more alert at work,and it will give him the opportunity to do his share of the chores.it definitely works.

If he's not even pulling his weight on his day shifts he's just a lazy git, isn't he?