Aibu for thinking the world doesn't stop if you work nights?

[Ilovepizzatoomuch]

I have never worked nights so I don't know if am I being unreasonable and not supportive but I am seriously struggling with DH's night working and constant using it as an excuse to get out of things.

For background, we have been together 10 years, two DC who are nearly 3 (twins). I work full time normal office hours and have recently taken over a management role, so a bit of adjusting on my part as well. Dh has always worked shifts, including nights, but for the last 18 months it had been every other week is night work.

When dh is on nights this is the typical pattern:
I get DC up, dressed and ready for childminder drop off. Can drop off any time from 730 and we are normally there at 730 so I can try and miss as much traffic as possible. However we wait for dh to get home (finishes at 630 but has around 35 - 40 min commute) this can mean we are late to the childminder and I get caught in more traffic but I think I it's important for dh to see DC in the morning. (Unless he is going to be really late then he will ring and let me know)

Generally, unless I am travelling for work or anything I will work from 0830 - 1730, then do a 30 mins drive back to pick DC up, usually arriving just before last pick up time as dh will still be in bed.

We get home, depending on how dh has slept, he will come down, say hello to me and DC and then go back to bed leaving us to have tea, do bath and bed. Dh will then get up around 9pm, shower and go to work.

In the meantime, there is washing that has to be done ( usually by me), dishwasher to empty (again me) food shops to sort (me) and pets to feed and clean (me)

As mentioned above I have just taken over a new role which is challenging but I am really enjoying but comes with more responsibilities. There are times when I need to stay later but due to dh not being able to pick DC up, I have to leave and quite often log in from home, which means working after all of the above is done and sometimes not logging off until gone 11pm, getting about 7 hours sleep at best (I don't sleep great when dh isn't in the house) and starting all over again.

When I have asked for more help when he is on nights all I get is that he is so tired and doesn't have the mental capacity for anything else. I survive on about 6 hours a night sleep but am expected to do all of the above.

But then I have never worked nights so not sure if it is unreasonable?

It sounds like your DH suffers nights worse than most people. But it may be he's just doing what he needs to. Shift work is horrendous for your well being with early death being a much higher risk for people who spend a significant amount of time on night shifts.

Is there any way your DH could look for work that does not require nightshift? And if not, can he pull his weight more when he's not on nights, giving you a bit of a break then so it's easier when he's on nights?

I think medium term you can't both continue doing these roles without more help. Your DH needs to get proper advice on his sleep and long term look at different work. I'm not sure your role is compatible with young DC either - up at 3.30am two days running?! You need to have s proper conversation with DH about work-life balance before your DC hit school age. At the moment he's doing literally nothing for anyone except himself so once that becomes his normal it'll be very hard to change. What was the deal before you started this job - has he gone back on what he said he'd do? Yes and forget hanging around at home for him to come back. If he actually wanted to see the DC he'd be offering to do the drop off.

Also. Whose are these pets? Even speaking as a cat-lover, this does sound like a situation where pets are a bridge too far. My DD is at a school where there are a lot of dual career families and some nannies and I've noticed hardly any of them have pets.

OP could you afford to ditch your husband and run the household with the help of an au pair/mothers help? Your husband is just a total deadweight and unless he changes his job nothing will improve.
I spent a couple of years doing nights. I lived very close to the Royal Marine barracks and enjoyed their band practice immensely. "A life on the ocean wave" anyone?

Have I missed details about the job he does?

I worked nights. When I did it was in a very physically demanding job.
Not only is sleeping in the day very difficult, 4 hours was a good day, the physicality meant work was not a place to rest. I ended up emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted.

It's been 15 years since I quit nightshifts, my sleep is still missed up, my body clock is still wrong and I doubt it will ever fix itself.

If the money's good for him the he needs to decide if the pay off is worth the put in. It wasn't for me.

I have 2 friends whose DH's work only night shifts. I know that they are usually up by 4pm at the latest and then do nursery pick up, prepare dinner etc.

Your DH is either completely taking the piss or is really not suited to working nights and needs to look at changing his work pattern.

He works in a manual job where he is charge of safety so it is quite important he is alert which is why I haven't really moaned before.

When he isn't on nights he varies on his helpfulness around the house.

On a day shift he will do pick up 4 out of 5 days and cook a dinner.

On a late shift he will drop a couple of days but usually end up staying up until 2 - 3am so isn't awake early enough, and if he is he means about being up and allowing me to get to work early, and goes back to hed after until next needs to go to work. If I ask for any jobs to be done before he goes, I usually get a phone call to say he has forgotten/overslept etc

Look, I can see what's in this for your DH. What's in it for you?

I think it's harder to alternate between day and night shifts to be fair, but that still doesn't help you.

If he's also bad on non-nights perhaps it's worth a GP visit just to check his thyroid is ok and there are no underlying causes for him being this tired.

If there's not then he really needs to find better ways of coping so he can help more, or look at alternative jobs.

I work nights, I finish at 8 pick the DC up and do the school run so DP can get to work then I go home quick breakfast and shower and in bed by 9:30 then get up around 2:30 sort the dogs do the school run come home and all the dinner, homework and bedtimes as normal get ready for work and as DP walks in the door I walk out. Even when I don't have to get up for DC I never sleep past 3:30 no matter how tired I am and I don't want to cook but I have to so do it

My DH works split shifts, so neve4 nights per se, but sometimes doesn’t get in until 2 am.

DH rarely does drop off for school (1 primary aged DC 2 at secondary), but when he does, I try to schedule things so I can get the kids up,that isn’t always possible, in which case I ask the older DC to have their phones in their rooms and I telephone them to check they are up.

DH always picks upon his 2 regular days off, and will also pick up if I am not working locally/have meetings.

He is lazy around the house, but he pays the cleaner. Will feed the kids on his days off, but generally won’t cook if he is going back to work, that said, they all have school lunches and are all capable of making sandwiches.

My kids never see DH in the morning, unless he wakes early, he is usually in bed when they get home and sometimes they only see him for 5-10 minutes when he is going out again.

Your husband needs to not spend so long in bed, and I say that as someone whose husband gets twice as much sleep as I do.

You message him and he replies to say he's in bed?

He's usin his phone while "sleeping"

Of course he can't sleep!

He needs to leave his phone downstairs! If the doorbell can be switched off so can his smart phone!

He's being deliberately self sabotaging if he's taking his phone to bed, completely defeats the object of fancy black out blinds etc. He's just p there on his phone, wondering why he can't sleep!

I occasionally do nights and I work evenings and know loads of colleagues who are on permanent nights, and we are all responsible for picking our children up from school.

If I sleep at about 9.30ish I can be up again by 2pm. Then sleep for another few hours after I’ve picked kids up from school and given them dinner etc. Everyone I know who works nights can manage it. In fact, your dh’s Shifts don’t even sound that long. We do 12.5hrs a night and still manage.

I think your dh is taking the piss a bit. My dad used to work nights when I was younger and he always took us to school and picked us up too.

He has a legit reason to prioritise his need to get enough sleep but he is also milking it and taking the piss, this is really unfair though and I would feel very angry at this treatment, I'm not sure what you can do about it though, but if he doesn't play fair it's not really a partnership is it?

I think really I would have to conclude that he's just not suited to working nights because his work and his sleeping issues are dominating everything and causing problems for everyone

can you have a rational discussion about this problem or does he just obfuscate and refuse to discuss things like an adult?
Is this the life you want, do you want to stay in this relationship, could you separate and co parent?

There's nights and nights. My favourite version is 1800-0230/0300. Awake around 1000, get stuff done, pick up DD, eat tea with her etc.
Then there's the other sort: start 2200, 12-15 hours, sleeping in the HGV. I did that that for 4 days, or I was supposed to. Drove back to the depot, told them I'd had 6 hours sleep in 3 days and they could find someone else. They paid me in full, and said I'd lasted longer than they expected.

He is taking the piss. I get in after 7am, I usually sleep until 12, get up clean wadh prepare meals collect the DC from school, I go back to bed from 7.30pm to 9pm and leave for work.
I am 3 nights only, I often feel tired but your DH is lazy.

He is taking the piss.

I work some 12.5 hour night shifts and come home take kids to school then sleep and go and do school pick up. I also help cook, clean, do homework, feed pets ... So do most of my colleagues with children.

I have a male friend who works permanent nights and he does the same sometimes 6 nights a week plus cooks most meals and takes kids to clubs, does the food shop etc...

I'm sorry I have not read the whole thread.
I am a night shift worker, my nights start at 19:30 and finish at 08:00. I do this 3-4 nights per week.
I get the children (pre school) to nursery for about 08:30-09:00 and get up to pick them up after school club at 16:30. Then it's dinner, bath and bed before I do it all again.
I know some mums who get up earlier to pick kids up at 15:00 so it can be done.
I think he needs to step up really he sounds very lazy and no way could I sleep all that time during the day sometime I wake about 14:00 and am raring to go, but then by 17:00 am knackered again.

My mum did nights for years. She got in at 7.45 am, did breakfast, sent us off to school, slept 8.30 to 3.30, got up and cooked dinners. Her shifts were 10.30 pm to 7.30 am. Dad left home at 7.30 am so managed to wake us up

He wants to amplify the importance of his role as breadwinner and use it to exempt him from taking part in family life
'me Tarzan you Jane'
'Me important you do all menial work'

I think he's milking it a bit but as someone who has worked night shifts regularly you cannot compare nights and days in terms of hours awake and asleep and different people are affected differently.
I've just finished three nights and can tell you the last couple of days have been tough trying to sleep with the weather being warm, not to mention more people being around and about with it being bank holiday weekend so more noise outside.
Even though I've worked less hours than a normal working week I feel like shit and cannot sleep.

Maybe nights are not for him, they don't suit everyone.

He's taking the piss. You both work outside the home, and you should be doing equal work inside the home.

It sounds like he is massively taking the piss. Of course nights are hard but it sounds like he is totally opting out of family life.

Why does he get to pick and choose when he gets up and what tasks he will do whilst you pick up the slack? Could you just decide you were tired, have a lie in and expect him to sort the kids out?