Aibu for thinking the world doesn't stop if you work nights?

[Ilovepizzatoomuch]

I have never worked nights so I don't know if am I being unreasonable and not supportive but I am seriously struggling with DH's night working and constant using it as an excuse to get out of things.

For background, we have been together 10 years, two DC who are nearly 3 (twins). I work full time normal office hours and have recently taken over a management role, so a bit of adjusting on my part as well. Dh has always worked shifts, including nights, but for the last 18 months it had been every other week is night work.

When dh is on nights this is the typical pattern:
I get DC up, dressed and ready for childminder drop off. Can drop off any time from 730 and we are normally there at 730 so I can try and miss as much traffic as possible. However we wait for dh to get home (finishes at 630 but has around 35 - 40 min commute) this can mean we are late to the childminder and I get caught in more traffic but I think I it's important for dh to see DC in the morning. (Unless he is going to be really late then he will ring and let me know)

Generally, unless I am travelling for work or anything I will work from 0830 - 1730, then do a 30 mins drive back to pick DC up, usually arriving just before last pick up time as dh will still be in bed.

We get home, depending on how dh has slept, he will come down, say hello to me and DC and then go back to bed leaving us to have tea, do bath and bed. Dh will then get up around 9pm, shower and go to work.

In the meantime, there is washing that has to be done ( usually by me), dishwasher to empty (again me) food shops to sort (me) and pets to feed and clean (me)

As mentioned above I have just taken over a new role which is challenging but I am really enjoying but comes with more responsibilities. There are times when I need to stay later but due to dh not being able to pick DC up, I have to leave and quite often log in from home, which means working after all of the above is done and sometimes not logging off until gone 11pm, getting about 7 hours sleep at best (I don't sleep great when dh isn't in the house) and starting all over again.

When I have asked for more help when he is on nights all I get is that he is so tired and doesn't have the mental capacity for anything else. I survive on about 6 hours a night sleep but am expected to do all of the above.

But then I have never worked nights so not sure if it is unreasonable?

My husband used to work nights. He would arrive home at 630am wake us all up at 7am, have breakfast with the kids & help to get them ready for school. I would leave with them at 8am and he would go to bed at 9am and sleep until 3pm. We would arrive home at roughly 330pm and we would spend the afternoon/evening together before he would leave for work at 9pm by which time the children were fast asleep. Him working nights didn't really ever affect the family apart from maybe Saturday mornings when he needed to sleep after his Friday shift. He was around for the children, done homework, cooked meals, loaded the dishwasher etc and could even be roused early to do the school run if I was ever held up. If your dh isn't going to bed till 11am that's why he is sleeping so late, can he pull his weight a bit more with the housework or drop your children in the morning to save you a job.

He gets in at 7am? And gets up at 9pm?

What the Jeff is he doing for those 14 (count em!) hours??

If he slept for 8 hours, he’d still have 6 hours to do his share of house stuff and parenting.

If he’s always worked shifts yet can’t hack nights, he needs to change jobs. Sounds totally untenable.

Lazy bugger.

So he does nothing except work and sleep? How can he possibly think that is fair?

My ex worked night, would get in about 6:30/7am and would get up about 3pm - on his last shift he would get up about 1pm to try and reset his cycle

Same as mine. I think the OP’s DP is taking the severe piss.

He's taking the piss quite frankly.

My ExH used to work 3 shifts, and the week he was on nights he used to go to bed about 9am, sleep til 6, get up, have a shower, have dinner with us, wash up after, help get the kids ready for bed, then leave about 9pm.

He got home about 7, in that two hours he'd usually feed the kids breakfast and then once I left with them about 8.20, put a wash on or put the vac over or something.

Your H has no excuse for not participating!

My DM used to work nights (8 til 8) and still managed to participate in family life - including housework

When I read the thread title I came on say give him a break. However reading your post I think he is acting ridiculous. Your family routine needs changing, it's totally unfair for everything to be on you.

The only point I would leave out when you discuss this though, is that you "don't sleep well when DH isn't there". That may be so but it will be nothing compared to the shit sleep he will get trying to sleep in the day.

Fucks sake he is taking the absolute piss out of you.
I go to bed at 9.30 AFTER doing the school run and am up between 12.30 1pm. Put on a wash load then pick kids up from 2 different schools, make tea then go to work for 7.30 at night again.
I work 2 nights a week and 2 days a week... in the same week.
Also take dc to swimming lessons after school.

Working nights is tough. But your husband is sleeping a lot!.
I used to do a 7-7 shift
Get home for 7.30 sort kids out do school run get my head down for 9.30.
He could do a drop off at least once esp as he's not starting til 9 pm

It's hard though. Working nights is a lot harder than normal day shifts.

I would say it depends on how well he is sleeping and how many nights in a row he is going, I worked night shifts for years as part of a rolling shift pattern. In between two night shifts if my sleep had been disturbed or not long enough then I would feel physically sick at having to get ready for the next one, this was before I ever had children though and I think I would be a bit more resilient now and say he needs to get a grip.

I think he could be doing more to help.

Can he change his hours so he is always doing the same shift, even if that means permanently working nights? Swapping from days to nights each week will be far more of a drain than just doing nights all the time.

Some people cope less well with nights than others but when I do nights (NHS) I'm home for 9.30ish and set an alarm for 4pm. I'd pick the children up from nursery and help with tea/bath/bed before going to work. He's taking you for a bit of a mug!

My mum did nights. We always had dinner together. She got up around 4. We also often ate breakfast together too.

I did nights for 11 years. I used to come home and go straight to bed and then get up to get DC’s from school and do all the housework then.
When they were little I barely survived and was mostly dropping off with coffee in hand 😩

He's just lying there for 14 hours luxuriating as he drifts in and out of sleep whilst you rush around doing everything

Because he's worth it

Working 1 week on nights and 1 week off is horrible, but he should still be making an effort at home. He's taking the piss.

My DP used to work nights. He gets home at 7.30am, does he go straight to sleep! I assume not, if he doesn’t get up until 9.30.

Nights are relationship breakers! It’s like their whole routine is up in the air for ages. They are eating breakfast when you are going to bed etc! I think there is a mental impact too.

It takes some getting used to. Not making excuses.

1 week on and 1 week off, are the worse! It’s like your body and mind adjust to 1 thing, thens it’s all change again.

Oh God. I worked nights for years and it nearly killed me. I was a nurse doing 12 hr shifts. There are so many health problems associated with night workers. He needs all the help he can get.

I also think you should forget waiting for him in the mornings, it's hardly quality time together when he's knackered and you're halfway out the door.
And he is seriously taking the piss sleeping all day. When I'm on nights I get in anywhere between 0630 and 0830 but I'm always up in time to shower, dress and collect kids from school at 3pm! I then come home, do dinner, dishes, laundry etc...before dh does bedtime and I go back to work.

I think you should just take the DC to childminders when it suits you. They don't need to see their dad in the morning.

Imo he should be getting up about 3ish, sort himself out, and collecting the DC so he gets an hour with them before you are home.

Cooking dinner should probably be shared. As should bath and bedtimes.

Then he can go to work.

He is 100% ripping it.

And for anyone saying “no one goes to bed at 6pm if they finish work at 5pm”. Nights are different. All bets are off. Frankly, what it does to your circadian rhythm is monstrous. Watch a recent BBC Horizon program of iPlayer called Body Clock: What Makes us Tick?

If he didnt see the children in the morning surely he would want to wake up a bit earlier and pick them up?? I do 7-7 shifts, quite enjoy nights as I can sleep 8-3 then have a few hours with my little boy before I have to work again. I always pick him up, sometimes drop him off but only if there is no alternative as I dont feel safe driving.

Honestly..for me there is nothing worse than someone trying to make conversation after a night shift. I much prefer coming back to an empty house. My body shuts down the second I get home, i can hear someone talking to me but I have no idea what they are saying.

My husband does nights. He hates them and struggles but he gets back around 7.15am, is there to help out getting the kids ready for school, gets to bed around 8.15 - 8.30 and then gets up around 3pm. After the last night shift he gets up at 1pm to reset. Your husband is sleeping for 11 hours and then going back to bed. What is worse is that your child is at nursery for such a long day, when your husband could be picking them up at 3.30 and spending some time with them. Selfish and indulgent, he is behaving like a teenager with nobody to worry about but himself! Can’t beleive you let him get away with it!