Aibu for thinking the world doesn't stop if you work nights?

[Ilovepizzatoomuch]

I have never worked nights so I don't know if am I being unreasonable and not supportive but I am seriously struggling with DH's night working and constant using it as an excuse to get out of things.

For background, we have been together 10 years, two DC who are nearly 3 (twins). I work full time normal office hours and have recently taken over a management role, so a bit of adjusting on my part as well. Dh has always worked shifts, including nights, but for the last 18 months it had been every other week is night work.

When dh is on nights this is the typical pattern:
I get DC up, dressed and ready for childminder drop off. Can drop off any time from 730 and we are normally there at 730 so I can try and miss as much traffic as possible. However we wait for dh to get home (finishes at 630 but has around 35 - 40 min commute) this can mean we are late to the childminder and I get caught in more traffic but I think I it's important for dh to see DC in the morning. (Unless he is going to be really late then he will ring and let me know)

Generally, unless I am travelling for work or anything I will work from 0830 - 1730, then do a 30 mins drive back to pick DC up, usually arriving just before last pick up time as dh will still be in bed.

We get home, depending on how dh has slept, he will come down, say hello to me and DC and then go back to bed leaving us to have tea, do bath and bed. Dh will then get up around 9pm, shower and go to work.

In the meantime, there is washing that has to be done ( usually by me), dishwasher to empty (again me) food shops to sort (me) and pets to feed and clean (me)

As mentioned above I have just taken over a new role which is challenging but I am really enjoying but comes with more responsibilities. There are times when I need to stay later but due to dh not being able to pick DC up, I have to leave and quite often log in from home, which means working after all of the above is done and sometimes not logging off until gone 11pm, getting about 7 hours sleep at best (I don't sleep great when dh isn't in the house) and starting all over again.

When I have asked for more help when he is on nights all I get is that he is so tired and doesn't have the mental capacity for anything else. I survive on about 6 hours a night sleep but am expected to do all of the above.

But then I have never worked nights so not sure if it is unreasonable?

I have no experience of working nights, or living with someone who does, so I can't really comment.

But I would've thought he could, at the very least, drop the DC at the childminder's when he gets back in the morning.

Could dh do the pick up from childminders? I do get its excruciating changing from days to nights, totally draining.

I did nights only for a couple of years. Used to come home by about 7 am , sleep 8 - 3 or 4pm. work 9pm.

he cannot be asleep all that time!

I used to work nights and recently worked a 4-9am shift pattern 4 days a week as well.

When the dc were younger I would come home from work at around 7am. Take over getting them ready for nursery/school/childcare and then drop them off while h went to work.
Come home and go to bed around 10am. Often having to get up at about 2.30 to go and pick up the dc.
In between coming home and going to bed I would put a washing load on, Hoover, unload the dishwasher, prep dinner or at least get something out of the freezer/make sure we had something in the fridge for dinner.

Then come home from collecting dc and get dinner ready for when h came home from work. As well as other household chores.

Working my early morning shift, the dc are now teens so they would have gone off to school/college and I would empty the washing machine, put another load on, Hoover and check that there was food for dinner before going for a nap and getting up at 12ish.

Luckily work normal hours now. Shift work is a killer but it does appear that your h is not pulling his weight

I used to work nights...13-14 hour shifts, seven in a row. Used to sleep really badly and need more time in bed, just trying (often failing) to get adequate sleep. It's like being constantly jet lagged and I never felt well on it.

Maybe it's like that for him.

My dh does night shift sometimes. He works 10pm - 6am. He goes to bed at 7am so sometimes sees the dc briefly for a quick cuddle but often not.

He gets up at 2pm so is awake to spend time with everyone.

Even doing 12hr shifts he gets up at 4pm.

Most of the parents I know who work nights will come home from work, get their children ready for school and bring them to school then go home and sleep and be back at school to collect their children and spend time with them before they go back to work that night.

It's not unusual to see parents on the playground with their eyes propped open with matchsticks after a 12 hour hospital shift.

I have worked nights, 4-5 hours sleep was the best I could manage and the quality of sleep in the day is not the same. However your DH sounds like he is taking you for a ride. Are you sure he is actually sleeping all this time? Late DH used to come home in the morning and look after the baby for an hour or two when I was on mat leave and feeding so I could get a proper sleep, and he was in charge of a whole bloody hospital! I suggest you just get the children into the childminder, never mind him seeing them for a couple of minutes. He then picks them up and this is his time with them. When you get home then you work together as a couple and he goes to work. This seems to be the norm in this situation, although loads of parents I know who cannot afford childcare have one on days and the other nights and they somehow manage.

It does sound like a long time in bed. BUT nights are hard, and harder for some. Some people find it easier to adjust to them but nights as well as days are tough. I have done them and to be honest it made me ill, I could never get any proper rest.
Can your dh stop the nights?

So, you are up and working from at latest 6.30am until possibly 11pm so 16.5 hours and on top of this you take full responsibility for all the housework.

He is out of the house 10 hours and can't do anything but sleep for 14 hours

Yes working nights is tough. I used to do it when my children were little so I could save on childminding. I had a childminder from 8 2pm to enable me to earn for more hours than I was having to pay out. Got home at 7.45, dropped kids at childminders at 8am (exh was there overnight) Got up by 2pm at latest to pick them up.

Just what IS he contributing here.

I got fed up (and got out) as I was still expected to do everything. Compared to you - I had it easy. The world does not stop if you work nights.
Sounds like you're more his mum (and an indulgent one at that) than his wife - and he doesn't appear to be parenting those girls.

My ex did more parenting after we split than he ever did when we were together

Ummm I work lots of nights 7.30pm -8ish am. I get home too late for school/ nursery runs but I get home sort dishwasher and clean kitchen, put washing on and go to bed. I struggle to sleep but always up to pick up from nursery/school do dinner , bath children put to bed DH walks in and I go to work. It’s hell to be honest. If I was you I would just take children myself in morning before he got home but get him to do the clean up job and home and pick up for you. But I don’t feel I can pass comment really on how he survives nights because quite honestly I don’t cope well!

I don't do shifts now but DSis does. She says usually people with families go straight to bed, and get up to collect from school etc. Your DH is a lazy fuckwit.

Your dh needs to do one drop off or pick up. When he comes home needs to put a wash on, as washing machine does it all.
Look at timings of when he’s home/ wakes and get him to do those jobs.
I used to work shifts (flying) but still managed to get stuff done.

I don't there is any excuse here. I used to work shifts including nights.

I'd get home around 6.30 - 6.45. DH would go to work and I'd stay up to get the DC to nursery for 8am.

Go to bed and get up 2 ish. Then pick them up from nursery 5pm. DH would come home and I'd have an hour dozing before I went back to work for 9pm

Shift work can take its toll but when you have children and both working DH needs to pull his weight.

DH does 12hr shifts - 4 on, 4 off, alternating days and nights. He still helps around the house! Gets in at just gone 6, gets up 16:30 at the very latest for nights. He’ll often get up much earlier to do some shopping/clean the pets if I need him to (chronic pain condition)
Your DH is taking the piss.

It sounds like he has more time to be in bed than you but that you do way more with the twins on top of having less time in bed!

He either needs to make the same sacrifices during his time off that you do or else he needs to find a day job so that it can be really equal.

I have never known a man on night shift who didn’t either take his kids to school or pick them up from child minder. Your DH is just lazy, all parents are tired FFS that’s what parenthood involves! Why should you do it all AND get less sleep than him? YANBU.

I've done nights before, I'd be in bed by 7.30am but up again by 4pm. They are tiring but that's an insane amount of sleep.

I suspect he's probably getting home and not going to bed until noon. In which case what's he doing in the morning that he couldn't spend an hour at least doing some housework or preparing dinners/bed time stuff. Better yet go to sleep and do the actual pick up and bedtime!!

When my OH was training for his job he had to do the odd week of nights. He’d come in at half 8 and take our eldest to school, do a washing or hoover or whatever then head off to bed until about 5. If he was at the end of his weekly shifts he’d sleep fewer hours and get up earlier to reset. Your OH is taking the piss

Sounds really tough, I would stop waiting for him in the morning. He has hours he can spend with them in the day if he wishes. It’s stresses you out and can make you late for no good reason. He could always face time to say hi instead? At least it would be one less thing to worry about in morning.

What is he like on his day shift week?is he pulling his weight?

I work 12 hour days or nights
Recently, I arrived home at 7:30am & woke suddenly at 9am, thinking that it was 3 or 4pm in the afternoon & time to get up !
I sometimes do small chores, before bed time, however I find that I function better if I sleep first, then do some chores
Yes, working nights is not good for your body clock or health
However, it seems that he could make more effort to help round the house

Working nights is very hard on you but it does sound as if he's milking it too

I mean if you've never done nights then you won't get it, but i used to get up and have dinner with DP or what's the point? Sounds like his life does stop!

I more often than not do nightshift. He’s being a lazy arsehole. I do 12.5 hour shifts unless I stay on a bit but I’m generally home and in bed for 8:30am ish. I’m in no fit state to drive them to school by then, but I’ll generally get up by 3/4 pm, and I’ll be Pottering about certainly by 5. I’m lucky in that one set of parents will have the kids until I’m up, but then it’s me doing tea, homework and bedtime routine until dh gets in around 7 (unless I’m working again that night so then he’ll be in at 6.30). So, no. YANBU. That’s ridiculous - what is it he does? Because my job involves 90% of my shift on my feet and can be very physical and I’m still not pulling 14 hours sleep!

I work nights. I finish at 7 then stay up to take the kids to school. Get to bed about 9.30 and get up at 2.30 to pick them up. Then work nights again. Granted I may get a little nap when dh gets home but not if he's on lates. It's shitty but 🤷‍♀️

Dh works permanent nights.

He's home around 6am. He will have his breakfast and sort out his animals (part time farmer) then take the kids to their school bus.

If his sheep are lambing he doesn't get much sleep at all.

But on a normal day he will be in bed around 8.30am and up again before 3pm. He will have the dinner made for me coming home at 6 and will have picked the kids up from school again.

He will also do washing and anything else that needs doing.

It is so hard on him, I often tell him to nap after dinner but he has always been fair when it came to looking after the children and always always makes dinner, unless at busy times with the sheep.

I guess I don't realise how lucky I am when I see thay yours sleeps the whole day and evening....
There's nothing to stop him getting up and lifting the children and making a dinner for you coming home....even if it's sticking something in the slow cooker.

You need to have a word with him... what time does he go to bed at?