Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my DH and his family?

112 replies

NorahBlanche · 20/04/2019 14:50

Hello everyone. I'll try to keep this short.

I live in a foreign country (my DH's homeland). We live in a big house - he has a flat downstairs (likes his own space) I have a flat on the next floor,his mum has a flat next to mine and his sister has a flat on the next floor.

We have a 6 month old baby and a 7 year old DS.

His sister is a heroin addict who is in and out of rehab, currently back here,still using. Her DS 5 years old and DD 12 years old are currently visiting for the holidays. They both live with their (different) fathers, a few hours drive away.

My DH idolises his DM and DS. They do EVERYTHING together - meals,shopping, DIY projects, watching Netflix etc. I am always with the kids - they live in my flat with me.

About a week ago,I had a catastrophic falling out with his DS,as she is getting Class A drugs delivered to the house and leaves dirty needles in weird places,where the children could potentially find them.

I also had enough of her awful,volatile, angry,entitled behaviour and just couldn't stand being around her anymore.

My DH worships the ground his DM and DS walk on. They are his 'actual' family. No one wants me here. I hate all of them.

My DH treats me awfully. All he does is criticise me or make fun of me. Telling me I can't cook, don't dress well...he is only nice to me when he wants sex,which I just never want. I exclusively breastfeed my baby and co-sleep and am exhausted from that.

I feel trapped and controlled and also,I am so so lonely. I don't have any friends here. I can speak the language OK,but definitely not well enough to form any kind of friendship.

I just feel so fed up and worn down and tired.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 21/04/2019 00:37

What a terrible situation you're in. The family seem quite weird.

Did he suddenly change to become so horrible?

I'm presuming he was nice to start with.

Was your DS planned? Just wondering why you'd have another child with this man given everything you've said about the relationship.

I've just remembered someone who said he was looking for a wife who's parents were dead. He was a control freak. He didn't want anyone intervening in his mistreatment of his wife.

He was so controlling. He decided his DM would be Godmother to all their DC. His wife got no say in it.

Luckily, she had a sister who he underestimated......and 3 DC later her sister made her file for divorce. I was so happy for her.

Funny enough his mum was also not so nice, like your MIL.

I hope you find a way out of this situation.

Nearlythere1 · 21/04/2019 01:42

@Mummyoflittledragon what on earth makes you think they'll be sent straight back? All three of them are british citizens for christ sake, whether or not her youngest was born in austria. Stop filling her head with terrifying and INCORRECT nonsense.

Nearlythere1 · 21/04/2019 01:59

OP, you desperately need to make yourself and your situation known to the embassy and not let anything on to the family. That way, if they do get wind of anything and they double down on their control of you or try to remove the kids, the british authorities will be conscious that your silence means trouble. You're not in some third world country where women have no rights. You're the kids mother. You have just as much right to them as he does.

Moonchild1987 · 21/04/2019 04:48

Please please please leave now with the kids. Is there any time you would be on your own in the house with the children? I would pick that time and take bare essentials with you and just leave. Go to the embassy about the passport situation and make them aware of the living situation and that it is urgent and you need new accommodation to hide at till the passports are sorted. Take photos of the drugs as that is your best bet of physical evidence that this is a dangerous environment for the children. Sending you such a big hug. Please get out of there soon

Moonchild1987 · 21/04/2019 04:58

@Nearlythere1 not sure if Austria is the same as Germany but it is possible that unless abuse can be proven or the child is not in a safe environment the father has rights to see the child so any action of removing the children from the country could get him custody.

I know as my mother took me to a hotel where my grandparents were staying to leave my dad. This was interpreted as her potentially taking me to taiwan and lead to the police coming to pick me up and my father getting sole custody. My mum was forced to get a full time job to prove she was not leaving etc.

ChariotsofFish · 21/04/2019 07:33

There is some rubbish advice here. Embassies do not issue passports any more, nor will they provide much useful help in these circumstances. Both your children are entitled to British passports (assuming you were born in Britain). You can report your daughter’s as lost and apply for a replacement. It is the same application process as for a British resident and is done by post through the Durham passport office.

However, passports are unlikely to be useful in these circumstances. Your children are habitually resident in Austria and taking them out of the country is likely to result in a court order to return them and a reduced chance of you having custody. You need to seek specialist Austrian legal advice. Leave your husband and find somewhere else to live within Austria then do this through the local legal process. The chances are you will be required to remain living in Austria if you want to share custody, but you don’t have to live with this family.

Silversky70 · 21/04/2019 07:57

I, too, would be looking for a move within Austria in the first instance. You can then make further plans. Sounds awful.

Moonchild1987 · 21/04/2019 08:22

@ChariotsofFish it does sound crule OP is basically forced to remain in the country now. I do think the children would be better off with NC to the entire family and if OP can prove everything she claims there could be a chance to say the family is a danger to them as it sounds abusive

crispysausagerolls · 21/04/2019 08:34

Where abouts in Austria are you?

Original poster
NorahBlanche · 21/04/2019 09:18

OK,thank you for the advice. I need to get out - it's so miserable and unsafe. This house is also literally falling apart - it's so depressing.

I'm cooped up in my flat most of the time as I don't want to be in the garden around them all. And I can't stand being around my DP - he always swears at me and tells me off over the littlest things - yesterday he told me I was a psycho because I had too many shoes in the cupboard, for example.

I don't want to live like this any longer. I just want to take control back. They're my children. His main concerns are his mother and sister. They see this house as their 'forever home' and watch TV together in the evenings, cook,shop,wash clothes together... Literally everything.

I like the idea of getting my own flat close by,but hate the idea of the children being here without me half of the time... Because of shared custody. I couldn't and wouldn't do that to them. Plus that's impossible with my baby, because of breastfeeding etc.

I think that I'm living in a bubble and don't have any outside contacts,I think I need to create a life outside and away from this.

I want control back. My MIL is like the massive overbearing leader - what she says goes.

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 21/04/2019 09:26

Read your PM

ChariotsofFish · 21/04/2019 11:31

@Moonchild1987, this is a risk all women who have children outside their home country take. They establish the children’s habitual residence there and under The Hague Convention that usually results in the children remaining in that country. So either the women stay too or they lose contact with their children. She needs to go through the local separation process, it’s unlikely anyone here has specialist Austrian legal knowledge which will allow them to advise on the extent of contact that’s likely to be agreed.

Hearhere · 21/04/2019 11:37

Are there any signs of them escalating, increasing their control over you?

joliejoleen · 21/04/2019 11:51

Please please do NOT leave your children xx

rhnireland205 · 21/04/2019 13:35

Would Brexit be a good reason for you to need to sort out all the documents? As in your kids automatically get UK citizenship now but post brexit it may be complicated. And you as a UK citizen may need to do certain things? You definitely need to get out but you need to get your ducks in a row. I'd get photo evidence of everything possible and report it to social services saying you need their support to leave.

DistanceCall · 22/04/2019 00:53

Get in touch with Austrian women's aid oraganisations. You need specialised knowledge.

And you may have to live in Austria, but that doesn't mean you have to live with your husband and his family. If there are safekeeping issues (and it sounds like there are), you can report them to prevent your children from spending time with these wackos.

Turin · 22/04/2019 01:34

Do you get to leave the house regularly?

Italiangreyhound · 22/04/2019 03:00

Nearlythere1 it is you who is talking nonsense. The OP needs correct legal advice.

www.evolvefamilylaw.co.uk/international-children-moving-abroad-child-become-child-abduction/

Please take legal advice, OP, please cover your tracks and do everything you can to make a new life for yourself and your kids. Whether that will be in your country of residence now or in the UK at a later stage, I just want to wish you all the very best.

It does sound like your husband has little interest in you and the children and it may be that he is willing to let you take the kids away and to agree to it, as long as his life with mum and sister is not altered. Breaking the link with the house you are living in now is important so your MIL doesn't see you as a source of income.

I wonder if you can prove that home is not a fit place for the kids, detail the drug abuse etc. Record things if you can do so safely.

I know you say you have no friends and don't know the language well enough to make friends, but can you make friends, go to a toddler group etc, get to know people, improve your language skills etc.

You may need to rely on other people. Being in that crumbling house is so isolating. Good luck. Thanks XX

Italiangreyhound · 22/04/2019 03:01

That article is not legal advice, but it does cover a situation in Australia and UK (not Austria).

Thanks
Italiangreyhound · 22/04/2019 03:03

DP not husband.

Missingstreetlife · 22/04/2019 08:52

I should think Hague covers Austria too.
I know someone who fled abusive husband with toddler and ended up in Hague convention case. She was allowed to stay because of dv and child's age. It wasn't easy.

HeyNannyNanny · 22/04/2019 09:00

Get yourself to the British Embassy.
You need to renew your passport, at the very least you need to take action whilst yours is still valid.

Explain to the embassy that you are being coerced into staying with your children in Austria and that your partners family have hidden your son's passport. Explain about the drug use and verbal abuse.

The embassy is there to help British Citizens in trouble abroad. Use it.

Missingstreetlife · 22/04/2019 09:03

Child protection services may help.

littlecabbage · 22/04/2019 09:33

In addition to photographing evidence of drug misuse, are you able to safely record any of the verbal abuse directed at you by your partner? Any evidence of an abusive/unsafe environment for the children will surely help to prevent your partner being awarded unsupervised contact if you leave?

littlecabbage · 22/04/2019 09:34

By the way, is there any risk he will check your internet browsing history and find this thread? Others here can advise you how to delete the evidence Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread