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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my DH and his family?

112 replies

NorahBlanche · 20/04/2019 14:50

Hello everyone. I'll try to keep this short.

I live in a foreign country (my DH's homeland). We live in a big house - he has a flat downstairs (likes his own space) I have a flat on the next floor,his mum has a flat next to mine and his sister has a flat on the next floor.

We have a 6 month old baby and a 7 year old DS.

His sister is a heroin addict who is in and out of rehab, currently back here,still using. Her DS 5 years old and DD 12 years old are currently visiting for the holidays. They both live with their (different) fathers, a few hours drive away.

My DH idolises his DM and DS. They do EVERYTHING together - meals,shopping, DIY projects, watching Netflix etc. I am always with the kids - they live in my flat with me.

About a week ago,I had a catastrophic falling out with his DS,as she is getting Class A drugs delivered to the house and leaves dirty needles in weird places,where the children could potentially find them.

I also had enough of her awful,volatile, angry,entitled behaviour and just couldn't stand being around her anymore.

My DH worships the ground his DM and DS walk on. They are his 'actual' family. No one wants me here. I hate all of them.

My DH treats me awfully. All he does is criticise me or make fun of me. Telling me I can't cook, don't dress well...he is only nice to me when he wants sex,which I just never want. I exclusively breastfeed my baby and co-sleep and am exhausted from that.

I feel trapped and controlled and also,I am so so lonely. I don't have any friends here. I can speak the language OK,but definitely not well enough to form any kind of friendship.

I just feel so fed up and worn down and tired.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Poing · 20/04/2019 20:00

Contact your local Jugendamt and report your SIL, emphasising the urgency and the used drug paraphernalia discovered by children. You can choose to anonymously report.

Also, coming home to England from Wien, for example, is easily affordable with the train. Littler children travel free, usually.

Best of luck, OP. Hopefully, some other posters can link you up with financial assistance in the UK.

Poing · 20/04/2019 20:01

Sorry. I just read you need passports.

Langrish · 20/04/2019 20:03

Oh goodness. Did you marry this person through choice or was it arranged? Did you go to live there under your own free will or were you coerced?

Singlenotsingle · 20/04/2019 20:11

So you don't have any family in the UK? Where are they? Are you not English? Just thinking you need some practical support, OP, but you obviously won't get any in England if you've got no family here.

Original poster
NorahBlanche · 20/04/2019 20:11

Oh I should clarify, sorry - we're not married. DP,not DH.

We met in England,where his mum was also living at the time. Then she bought the house here and wanted us to move too to help her do it up, and we ended up staying. (He hates England and never wants to go back).

If it wasn't for the children,I'd be out of here. But its so difficult because we have joint custody.

I pay his mum rent to live here, which is a big reason she'll make it difficult for me to leave.

Her and my DP have grand ideas with the place and she's happy as Larry to have her two children living with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
NorahBlanche · 20/04/2019 20:12

Yes, I am British. My parents are dead and no siblings. Absolutely no-one that I know of

OP posts:
Brown76 · 20/04/2019 20:12

Have you got anyone you trust in the UK so you could obtain replacement passports to be sent to them? Have you got your children’s birth certificates?

Motheroffeminists · 20/04/2019 20:43

How do you have joint custody if you are together? Have I missed something?

Original poster
NorahBlanche · 20/04/2019 21:01

Because the father has to apply for it here - it's not automatically given.

OP posts:
oneforthepain · 20/04/2019 21:02

Coercive control.

If you want to leave, and it sounds like you do, then work on the basis that you'll be leaving without telling them or trying to gain their approval. Worrying about his mum's reaction is blocking you from being able to problem solve and make plans.

They will never be happy about you leaving, because it will mean losing control of you. So don't torment yourself trying to figure out how to persuade or appease them.

Get legal advice on the children, and then plan from there.

theWarOnPeace · 20/04/2019 21:03

I don’t see how you have joint custody. You’re a British citizen, unmarried, and as the mother you have the right to apply for British passports at the embassy for both of them. You need their British/Austrian birth certificates and your own British passport to apply. You need to get down to the British embassy and tell them that you are being effectively held there. Do not leave those children under any circumstances. Even if you have no family in the U.K., you will be supported by our systems and laws and at least be free. Don’t stay with these maniacs for the sake of the children. It won’t be doing them any good living like this.

Waveysnail · 20/04/2019 21:04

Can you go to British embassy on pretext of renewing your passport and get ds one too

winecigsandchoc · 20/04/2019 21:09

Talk to the embassy as soon as you possibly can. Even go their in person if that's at all possible- think up a lie- get some advice even if you can take your children and stay in the embassy. If you're in their then British law applies, not Austrian.

I know that sounds dramatic and improbable but think of it as the ace up your sleeve. You could go to the media. Any plans DMIL has for tourism etc with her big house would be blown up in her face. You and your children are basically being kept prisoner in her "home" with your "d"h having sex with you when he wants it. It's very very chilling reading.

Take a lot of time, make a solid plan and then LEAVE. Even if you take a year and drive their. Squirrel away money, into an account and in cash. Don't let on anything's wrong. Keep your head down. Contact the embassy.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/04/2019 21:13

Clearly you can’t just get passports and abduct your children as some are suggesting. They’d be sent straight back. You can, however, gather evidence that the property is unsafe, report your sil and prevent him from taking the children to the property or be around drugs / users of drugs. I imagine the welfare system is good and you will have access to funds as a single parent.

Are you taking adequate precautions in case you do have sex with him? I take it he won’t force himself on you. Is that right?

Hearhere · 20/04/2019 21:18

It sounds extremely difficult, but you can certainly start making a plan and start building a case

senbei · 20/04/2019 21:19

One more thing that I feel is commonly overlooked in situations like these: if/when you do go to the embassy, make sure that he, his sister, or his mum won't be the one getting whatever mail they send over!

Cornishclio · 20/04/2019 21:23

This is an unhappy and controlling relationship and it is not healthy for your children to grow up in this kind of atmosphere. I am sorry but I would be out of there asap. Surely all you need to get a passport is your British passport and her birth certificate. Your DPs mum hiding your DS Passport is just awful. You are their mother. It is chilling. Can you get some legal advice and maybe contact the British embassy?

senbei · 20/04/2019 21:31

Surely all you need to get a passport is your British passport and her birth certificate.

If I'm reading it correctly, the DD's passport is with the partner's mum and DS doesn't have one at all.

stucknoue · 20/04/2019 21:31

If you approach the British consulate they can give you proper advice on how to get the children passports and how to legally leave with them if that's what you want. Do you have friends in the U.K. or funds to support yourselves for a few weeks whilst you could settle yourselves and get work/benefits? It's not straight forward but the consulate are the best placed people to help, you won't be the first

joliejoleen · 20/04/2019 21:37

My heart breaks for you. What an awful situation to be in!!! I'd take everyone's advice and contact the British embassy asap. Tell them the house is not safe for your children and your partner is doing nothing about it.

givemesteel · 20/04/2019 21:39

I agree evidence is the key thing here - of the drugs, of the financial and emotional abuse.

Agree re contacting the British embassy about getting passports for both children created and held there.

Once you have that, then is there someone / somewhere you can get away with saying you're visiting for a couple of days with the kids? So it would be a couple of days before his family knew you'd gone back to the UK?

But above all act normal, don't let on that anything has changed. It's possible to get out, and you absolutely should for all your sakes.

Cryalot2 · 20/04/2019 21:46

This is dreadful Flowers
There has to be some organisation that can help you and your child go to a safe house.
I only wish I knew more of how I could advise. But there will be people who can help you escape . Even you move to another area .
Have you money ?
You deserve happiness and I hope you get it

BluntAndToThePoint · 20/04/2019 21:56

www.gov.uk/emergency-travel-document

Apply for this.

SinkGirl · 20/04/2019 22:24

Can you call the British embassy anonymously and find out what you would need in order to get passports for the children - ask what you would do if the father is unable to attend, just so you know the situation.

Do you have any close friends in the UK, anyone for whom you could say you need to come home with the kids for a few days (a funeral, someone having surgery, last chance to see someone before they emigrate, anything)?

I’m sure someone more knowledgeable will have better advice. I hope you can get out of there and soon x

DishingOutDone · 21/04/2019 00:13

These appear to be Women's Aid type organisations in Austria - you need someone on your side OP:

gewaltfreileben.at/en/

www.frauenhelpline.at

www.aoef.at

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