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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my DH and his family?

112 replies

NorahBlanche · 20/04/2019 14:50

Hello everyone. I'll try to keep this short.

I live in a foreign country (my DH's homeland). We live in a big house - he has a flat downstairs (likes his own space) I have a flat on the next floor,his mum has a flat next to mine and his sister has a flat on the next floor.

We have a 6 month old baby and a 7 year old DS.

His sister is a heroin addict who is in and out of rehab, currently back here,still using. Her DS 5 years old and DD 12 years old are currently visiting for the holidays. They both live with their (different) fathers, a few hours drive away.

My DH idolises his DM and DS. They do EVERYTHING together - meals,shopping, DIY projects, watching Netflix etc. I am always with the kids - they live in my flat with me.

About a week ago,I had a catastrophic falling out with his DS,as she is getting Class A drugs delivered to the house and leaves dirty needles in weird places,where the children could potentially find them.

I also had enough of her awful,volatile, angry,entitled behaviour and just couldn't stand being around her anymore.

My DH worships the ground his DM and DS walk on. They are his 'actual' family. No one wants me here. I hate all of them.

My DH treats me awfully. All he does is criticise me or make fun of me. Telling me I can't cook, don't dress well...he is only nice to me when he wants sex,which I just never want. I exclusively breastfeed my baby and co-sleep and am exhausted from that.

I feel trapped and controlled and also,I am so so lonely. I don't have any friends here. I can speak the language OK,but definitely not well enough to form any kind of friendship.

I just feel so fed up and worn down and tired.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Cheesecake53 · 20/04/2019 16:16

Maybe the embassy of your home country can help?

ThePixieQueen · 20/04/2019 16:29

A major issue is The Hague Convention which has been ratified by a large number of countries, so as others have commented, returning to the U.K. is unlikely to be simple. Do you have an option of moving to a different apartment locally?
As drastic as it sounds, is an ‘anonymous tip’ to local law enforcement an option? If she’s engaging in drug taking, it’s not healthy for her own children

JaneEyre07 · 20/04/2019 16:35

It's really crap when you're so worn down that you can't see the wood from the trees, but you put yourself in this situation OP and you're the only one who can put themselves out of it - and I mean that kindly.

You need to start being more pro-active. With internet access, you can find some women's assistance in your country, and failing all else, contact someone from the Home Office here in the UK to try and get some practical ideas of how you can get out of this. Start saving money and making an escape plan, even if it is in your head.

www.hotpeachpages.net/a/countries.html is a list of domestic violence agencies worldwide.

SynchroSwimmer · 20/04/2019 16:57

Can you secretly accumulate some cash, also contact the British or other embassy/consul for advice....make an appointment to go and see them alone, they have called you in because “they want to see you about your papers or visa” or similar?

Is there a neighbouring country that you could easily get to first (on a holiday) and then arrange a third party to meet you there with flight tickets to safety?

SinkGirl · 20/04/2019 17:00

So difficult to advise without knowing where you are, but absolutely you need to find a way out of there.

Does he spend any time with the children?

Missingstreetlife · 20/04/2019 17:13

Legal advice op, try to get a female lawyer who understand the law in both countries and has a badass reputation. It's possible you will come up against Hague convention. Not many English courts would seperate a mother from bf baby but you would need good reason to leave.

TidyDancer · 20/04/2019 17:16

Country is crucial in this.

How long have you lived wherever you are and were both the DCs born there? Do you all have British passports?

TriciaH87 · 20/04/2019 17:22

Get your passports book your flights. Don't worry about possessions just get up and go. If he took you to court you can say its mot a suitable environment. Drugs abuse etc you need to leave.

IrisAtwood · 20/04/2019 17:25

I’d be gathering evidence of the unsafe environment and his abuse of you. Find a woman lawyer who understands the laws in the country of residence. Follow her advice to the letter and make contact with the British Embassy to explain your situation. Keep everything as secret as possible.

notapizzaeater · 20/04/2019 17:28

You really need legal ad I e in the country you are in, what nationality are the children ?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 20/04/2019 17:31

Sounds terrible
What country are you in?

AutumnCrow · 20/04/2019 17:33

I can get advice for you but it will depend on where you are, roughly, for it to be meaningful.

Tistheseason17 · 20/04/2019 17:37

@IrisAtwood gives great advice.
Make sure you apply for second passports as you'll never get away with taking the ones you have there without him/his family noticing.

Take photos of the needles/drugs etc. Secretly film the drug deliveries.

Be nice as pie and leave as soon as your solicitor lets you. And if you do not have access to money - you need to ask for small amounts over a period of time and pocket excess to build an escape fund.

Best of luck.

bevelino · 20/04/2019 17:40

OP, photograph the drug paraphernalia as evidence. You do need to get yourself and your children the hell out of there. Is there anyone you can go to for support? As other posters have said it depends where you are. If you are in the UAE I can see how difficult leaving might be.

ChariotsofFish · 20/04/2019 17:45

This depends so much on which country you’re in. Are you in a FB group for foreign women in your country of residence? That will probably be a better source of country specific advice than MN.

senbei · 20/04/2019 18:01

As drastic as it sounds, is an ‘anonymous tip’ to local law enforcement an option? If she’s engaging in drug taking, it’s not healthy for her own children

I don't think this is a good idea. If she's in a country somewhat similar to maybe Mexico (really sorry if this is inaccurate; I can't think of a country that concretely supports my point) where local law enforcement might be on the payroll of the cartels, this could end up doing more harm than good.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/04/2019 18:05

This sounds awful. Idk where you are. Do you have access to contraception? Can you legally use it?

RomanyQueen1 · 20/04/2019 18:15

Yes leave, this is no life.
Have you been happy up until now, has something changed?
As you have a baby you must have loved him enough to dtd and get pregnant, again.
Please report her for the drugs, and whilst the law is sorting her out, you can make your escape.

senbei · 20/04/2019 18:20

Please report her for the drugs, and whilst the law is sorting her out, you can make your escape.

Depending on which country she's in though, this might not be the best solution IMO.

CaMePlaitPas · 20/04/2019 18:34

OP, you need to contact the embassy of your own country, you need legal advice, this won't be easy

Original poster
NorahBlanche · 20/04/2019 19:14

Thank you all for your replies - I'm sorry I left the country out - I'm in Austria.

In answer to the questions - my DD was born in England and has a British passport - although my DH gave it go his DM and there's no way she'll tell me where it is. My DS was born here and doesn't have a passport. My (British) passport expires May 2020.

I have a little bit of money (secretly) saved up (1000 euro).

I'm self-employed,but am currently on maternity leave.

No,he doesn't do much,if anything,with or for the children. His time is spent either with his mum/sister,working or doing DIY with his DM.

His sister is trying to get her children living here with her - trying to persuade the social services here how wonderful it is here - a big family house,that she's stopped the drugs etc. All lies.

Its just all massively overwhelming and I feel so out of depth. Its all such a mess and I feel so out of control and just don't know where to start.

OP posts:
Babooshkar · 20/04/2019 19:20

Can you get your children new UK passports? Claim the existing DD passport is lost and then just leave by train across Europe back to UK.

JaneEyre07 · 20/04/2019 19:22

Can you drive OP? Hire a car, get new passports from the British Embassy and drive back to the UK?

Epanoui · 20/04/2019 19:40

Are these links any help to you?
Could you maybe call and talk to someone about your options and any help they can offer?

www.frauenhaeuser-wien.at/en_help.htm
www.interventionsstelle-wien.at/english-summary

notmuchmoretogive · 20/04/2019 19:45

Oh my goodness you need to get out. Can you apply for a new passport for the older child and one for the younger.

This sounds horrendous Brew