To wonder how to feel about DS (13) friends mum

[SandraDea]

About 18 months ago my DS 13 was friends with another boy (also 13). They’d hang out together have pizza nights sleep overs at mine and other boys house etc. The boys parents even invited my son to go on holiday which meant we went to the time and expense of fast tracking a passport for my son. In the few weeks leading up to the holiday my son started behaving quite badly both in school and out of school (dabbling with vaping and smoking weed and being disrespectful in school)

. On a couple of occasions the mum would call me to ask if she knew that both my son and hers were hanging around in town centre (it was later than their curfew on a Saturday night) and generally express concern about what they were up to. Anyway the upshot was all of a sudden her son was not allowed to hang around with mine and we didn’t hear anything more about the holiday.

We’ve had a difficult year or so and now seem to have my son back on track with his behaviour both in and out of school. All of a sudden this friend has reappeared on the scene and the mum has sent a few texts just with things like arranging to collect her son from my house etc.

My issue is she is acting like there’s no history and tbh I feel her behaviour was a bit stuck up and self righteous. She’s now texting me with friendly messages and I feel she is trying to have some kind of relationship with me.

My son is quite a popular lad with a lot of friends and is not particularly bothered about having a friendship with this particular boy - in fact he’s told me that this boy was doing all the things he was but just didn’t get caught!

I don’t feel anything but annoyance towards this mum and I hate being false and pretending to like someone when I don’t!

WWYD?

Yes ByeClaire I also agree 12 is worse than 13. Of course none of us parents want our teens to smoke weed at all, but it doesn’t seem quite as bad if their experimenting at an older age say 15 or 16.

It doesn’t help that all his mates are older (as I said he’s an August baby and he’s the youngest in his year). So even in his class some of his mates are almost a year older.

Honestly? I think she decided (& let's face it, she was right) that your son was a tearaway last year & so she didn't want her lad getting drawn into similar behaviour - & again, evidently he was - so she nipped the friendship in the bud. Hence obviously no holiday!

Yes, maybe she could have rung you to tell you that. But a) it would have been obvious surely & b) awkward bloody convo, that.

Water under the bridge, 18 months later, the boys are now friendly again & she's probably thinking ' 🤔 not thrilled about ds hanging out with that lad he was smoking & going AWOL with, but maybe they've both grown up a bit...'

At which point, in her shoes I'd be sending you friendly little messages, too. Not because I'd be desperate to be your mate, but because I'd want us both on the same page re keeping a watchful eye on a friendship that had previously proved problematic for both our sons.

I imagine she just wants to be on polite terms so that you can alert each other to potential issues & generally be ready for if/when the boys get into bother again...

You just don’t need to be focusing so much energy on what she thinks of you or your son. You have bigger fish to fry.

From your other threads it seems like your son has had a really difficult time, but you must understand that other parents would be horrified?? School refusal, stealing money and alcohol from you, lying, stealing from others, throwing bottles at people, then the weed and vaping, police involvement twice? You say this thread is not about your son’s behaviour, but it is highly relevant to the issue of your son’s friendships, and their parents attitudes towards your family.

He shouldn’t have been out shopping, loitering, out with his mates buying take away for any of this stuff. He’s 13 and had been behaving like his since 11/12? Yet still goes into town with friends and has sleepovers and takeaways etc. You say he is under investigation with CAHMS and he’s vulnerable to the point where he MUST have a mobile, yet can roam the streets, stealing or smoking and doing whatever, whenever? Forget this other mum - where is he now, what will he be doing tonight? What practical measures are you taking to reign him in? I know you said harsh punishments don’t work, well what then? Just let him do what he likes? You say he has massively improved, yet he was stealing from you a couple of weeks ago. Why is he out socialising with this kid with the supposedly rude mum when he has stolen money and alcohol?

If your son is vulnerable and has mental health problems, letting him run wild isn’t the answer surely?

All of a sudden this friend has reappeared on the scene and the mum has sent a few texts just with things like arranging to collect her son from my house etc.

But she wants to be my friend- sorry I thought I put that in op

Does she though? She has sent text asking about collection times-perfectly reasonable if they are hanging about together again- or has she also messaged you asking to meet for coffee? Nights out? Shopping trip? Night out at the cinema? Everything you have posted I have read as friendly and pleasant despite the previous problems on both sides.

I am equally friendly to the parents of the little shit my DC was unfortunately friends with in primary, despite her DC punching mine in the face, and she is equally friendly to me. BUT we both know what happened. I still, 8 years later, am not thrilled they sometimes mix together but you have to rub along all sorts of people in life so I grit my teeth and remain friendly.

I think you should feel okay that the mum is relaxed and friendly given the circumstances tbh.

Thewaronpeace

Yes of course I understand other parents are ‘horrified’ and as I have tried to explain that’s not really the issue. It was more about the complete change in attitude from the other mum which I’m finding difficult as I feel it is false and shallow.

He does have a phone as we (his parents) feel his safety is of paramount importance and therefore if he’s in trouble he can call us. We have tried to confiscate his phone before and it didn’t improve anything- he trashed his room and punched my mirror in the hallway shattering it.

The problem we have is that he doesn’t seem to understand consequences, he repeats bad behaviour regardless of how we respond. We turned off the WiFi last year when he was dabbling in weed and he simply left in the middle of the night to his mates house where he could use the WiFi. If we ground him and lock the doors he just escapes out of the window- the list is endless.

His Dad and I have researched and contacted medical professionals in a bid to try and parent him more effectively. The advice we have is to relax a bit more on everyday things, still have some boundaries but keep them simple and try and reward good behaviour where possible.

Our boundaries are he has to be in by 10pm and He must be honest with us. He’s good at the 10pm curfew and is mostly honest. I know this seems quite hands off parenting to say the least. We have tried so hard to steer him in the right direction but he is so defiant and stubborn. That’s why we were so pleased he has started scootering again. He has been a different child over Easter holidays which confirms to me his anxiety with school and the trigger for disruption and refusal.

His younger brother is 12 and has ASD and is an absolute delight- my boys are an extreme version of perfect peter and horrid Henry!

We have some control but not anywhere near as much as I’d like, we are currently awaiting assessment as I believe he’s on the spectrum and has PDA, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done and am open to suggestions of how I could parent him more effectively as I think it’s probably the most important thing in the world!

I hear you Sandra and I promise I wasn’t being deliberately mean with my comments. I’m not throwing judgement or scorn at you, just trying to be straight and direct. I would without a doubt say the same thing to a friend in real life, I promise you. It’s not her. She may or not be awful, but it’s a non-issue. I’ll say it again, forget this mum. Interact with her on a necessary basis as you would with any other parent of a kid that yours sometimes hangs out with.

FWIW your son sounds like he’s mixing with way too many other kids that also have way too much freedom. If he has unresolved/undiagnosed possible mental health/neurological issues that leave him unable to make good decisions, and you consider him vulnerable, then he needs to be on lockdown. He’s 13. Being out until 10 or climbing out the windows, having unlimited access to the internet, drugs, alcohol, money, is just not on at all. I understand that it had been suggested you loosen up on him, but this surely is too much?

I think you need to start a new thread outlining where you need help with your son’s overall behaviour. People can be extremely helpful and supportive on here when you are open and honest about your issues. This is where your problems are, not some other kid’s mum. Fair enough if you don’t want to do another thread, but with this thread you’re barking up the wrong tree, and letting something entirely irrelevant take up your valuable headspace.

I have plenty of info re CAMHS, SEN, etc etc and so do many other posters. Start from there, even if you just let off steam about the whole situation. Stop wasting energy on outsiders and make a plan of action for your son, he can’t go on the way he is, you’re all going to go over the edge.

War and peace thank you that’s a very encouraging response- I’m not brave enough to start a thread and not sure where to start. Every time I try and relinquish some control or put in another rule or boundary he just becomes aggressive and violent and I don’t know how to respond to that. I did call the police last year after he pushed me over and I sprained my ankle. He didn’t bat an eye lid, there’s no point in calling the police unless I’m willing to press charges which I am not.

I know he has too much freedom and I’m too relaxed but it’s the only way to stop the violence and aggression- We constantly try and negotiate with him to get him to do things like go to school but we’ve realised it has to be immediate- e.g I’ll say something like if you do well this week and go to school we’ll get KFC on Friday and he’ll manage a Monday maybe a Tuesday as well and then can’t continue as it’s too much for him, and of course I can’t get him a KFC as he hasn’t held up his part of the bargain and he then has no incentive as he’s already messed up by refusing to go to school after the Tuesday.

He will agree to do things if I give him something up front - this sometimes works but then of course he has gained control of the situation. He seems to be quite complex, unpredictable, volatile and reckless which makes it even harder as occasionally we think we’ve found something that clicks then a few days later it will be ineffective again.

He constantly moves the goal posts and manipulates situations as he has an overwhelming need to be in control. I honestly don’t know where to go from here and find myself wishing away the next few years when I tell myself he can leave and move out. It’s awful to think that, I do love him so much and have completely abandoned my parenting ideals and lowered my standards and expectations to get from one day to the next.

It’s really sad.

I think youre doing the right things with your ds. Getting an assessment and looking up different methods of parenting. If he has ASD and/or PDA then a low pressure approach will likely yield better results and keep your relationship strong long term.
As for this other kids parent. Ignore her. You dont need her in your life.

Your son is 13. Aside from being in contact to know of whereabouts on sleepovers or reporting bad behaviour, the mums do not need to be friends or even friendly or even in touch.

I don’t blame the mom for dropping you and your son like a hot potato. However yes I agree it’s now to late to be friendly. I would be ignoring the texts and if your son is now doing ok not encouraging the friendship all.

Your son is 13. Aside from being in contact to know of whereabouts on sleepovers or reporting bad behaviour, the mums do not need to be friends or even friendly or even in touch.

I think with these particular boys the mums absolutely do need to be in touch.

If Fred says he is going to George’s house then Fred’s mum should be texting George’s to say “Fred on the way to yours” and vice versa as these are children who lie, steal, assault and take drugs.

If the Op is not in touch with the other parents then she will have absolutely no clue where her son is at any point.

The other mum is probably a pragmatist. By being in touch with you then she can try and keep her child safe. Yes she should have contacted you to say the holiday was off but what was she supposed to say? “Obviously I have no desire whatsoever to take a violent drug taking 12 year old thief on holibobs with me”. But wouldn’t that have just made you feel even worse than you already did? Sometimes it is a case of “least said, soonest mended”.

Ffs to those saying the mother was rude not to discuss the holiday. The boys were no longer friends, they weren’t allowed to hang out together, so why on earth would anyone possibly consider that ops son would still be going on holiday with them. The other mother probably didn’t want to contact op because what could she say? How would op have taken it if she had said “Sorry op but I don’t want your weed smoking, thieving, criminal of a son, who you don’t have a clue where he is and what he is doing coming on holiday with us!!!” Pretty sure that would be much worse than just letting the matter lie.

I have a nearly 13 year old daughter. She isn't an angel, but I'd have made her drop a friend like your son like a hot potato. Sorry OP, but that would be the reality for most parents. Of course your son isn't fully to blame though, and the mum's communication has been rubbish, but I don't suppose at that point she felt any obligation to you.