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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder how to feel about DS (13) friends mum

113 replies

SandraDea · 20/04/2019 14:22

About 18 months ago my DS 13 was friends with another boy (also 13). They’d hang out together have pizza nights sleep overs at mine and other boys house etc. The boys parents even invited my son to go on holiday which meant we went to the time and expense of fast tracking a passport for my son. In the few weeks leading up to the holiday my son started behaving quite badly both in school and out of school (dabbling with vaping and smoking weed and being disrespectful in school)

. On a couple of occasions the mum would call me to ask if she knew that both my son and hers were hanging around in town centre (it was later than their curfew on a Saturday night) and generally express concern about what they were up to. Anyway the upshot was all of a sudden her son was not allowed to hang around with mine and we didn’t hear anything more about the holiday.

We’ve had a difficult year or so and now seem to have my son back on track with his behaviour both in and out of school. All of a sudden this friend has reappeared on the scene and the mum has sent a few texts just with things like arranging to collect her son from my house etc.

My issue is she is acting like there’s no history and tbh I feel her behaviour was a bit stuck up and self righteous. She’s now texting me with friendly messages and I feel she is trying to have some kind of relationship with me.

My son is quite a popular lad with a lot of friends and is not particularly bothered about having a friendship with this particular boy - in fact he’s told me that this boy was doing all the things he was but just didn’t get caught!

I don’t feel anything but annoyance towards this mum and I hate being false and pretending to like someone when I don’t!

WWYD?

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 20/04/2019 15:22

Angling for free childcare?!
Where are you getting that from?
No-one needs free childcare for a 13yo, and if they did they wouldn’t choose a woman whose own son was using drugs and stealing. (not intended to be a dig at your parenting OP - mine is pre-teen and I live in fear of this stuff!)

Grumpelstilskin · 20/04/2019 15:26

The point OP is making though is that the other kid was doing exactly the same but did not get caught. While, I would break up such a friendship, I would not automatically assume it is the other boy being the bad influence, as that mother has done. It be more abouot stopping them getting each other into trouble. For all we know, it wasn't OP's son who instigated stuff though. He vastly improved his behaviour after no contact between the boys. That could mean that the other kid was the bad influence!

ambereeree · 20/04/2019 15:30

How do you know her son is also up to the sane stuff? All kids when caught will say another friend also does it but their mum doesn't know. Also could your son have told friend he doesn't want to go on holiday with them?
I know we should believe our kids but sometimes they do lie.

englishdictionary · 20/04/2019 15:33

grumple

It doesn't matter (in terms of this post) who instigated things. The fact is the boys were separated so they couldn't continue.

Rachelle11 · 20/04/2019 15:33

The other woman never said OP's son was the bad influence. She talked to OP about both the kids behaviour and separated them when they could not be trusted together. She did the right thing.
OP's focus should be on her own kid and not what other kids are doing. Smoking week, steeling bikes, all that is pretty massive for a 13 yo.
She should have spoken to you about the trip but as someone else asked, would you have let your kid go?

FriarTuck · 20/04/2019 15:35

Neither is reading a comic meant for much younger children.
'Gee son, put that childish comic down and go smoke some weed like a proper 13yo' said no decent parent ever. Pretty sure you don't get police involvement for reading The Beano.

LillithsFamiliar · 20/04/2019 15:36

OP didn't speak to the other mum though so she doesn't know if the mum separated the boys because she thought they were both bad influences on each other.
I've no idea how a holiday invite gets cancelled without any conversation. You could just as easily have picked up the phone to her to say 'I'm assuming the holiday is cancelled' or 'sorry to let you know I'm not letting DS go on holiday since his behaviour has been atrocious.'
You don't need to feel anything about the other mum. She did what a lot of parents would do and you avoided discussing it just as much as she did.

CantStopMeNow · 20/04/2019 15:38

Angling for free childcare?! Where are you getting that from?
From this All of a sudden this friend has reappeared on the scene and the mum has sent a few texts just with things like arranging to collect her son from my house etc

Joebloggswazere · 20/04/2019 15:40

Lol Choli those two things are so far apart!! Nothing wrong with a 13 yo reading the Beano, a million things wrong with 13yo smoking weed. What planet are you on 😂

HomeMadeMadness · 20/04/2019 15:40

I think it was rude to abandon holiday plans without at least telling you. I don't think her discouraging the friendship means she thinks your son was to blame or worse than hers. It sounds like the entire group were dabbling in bad/dangerous behaviour so I can see why she wanted to distance her son from it all.

Original poster

SandraDea · 20/04/2019 15:45

No I don’t think I would have allowed my son to have gone away -

I think I agree with posts about me reading too much into this situation- fact is my son is not really bothered about the other boy so the friendship will no doubt fizzle out in which case there’s no need for any contact with other mum.

I know the weed thing is very shocking- I couldn’t believe it when I found out. After months of other agencies involved, meetings with school etc he admitted he was trying to self medicate- he feels a lot of anger hence the behavioural problems and I believe his self esteem was very low.

We all (parents, school, families first, therapists) have worked really hard to try and help him and just in the last month (after the bike incident) he has been trying and although for other parents of well behaved teens it may be difficult to understand, but I feel proud.

He’s stopped the weed, trying in school and more recently got back on his scooter which is what 13 year olds should be doing! He’s been a lot more pleasant to me and his dad. A month I know doesn’t sound like a long time, but for us it feels massive.

OP posts:

BrokenWing · 20/04/2019 15:46

If my 13 year old son was friends with a child I knew was experimenting with vaping and illegal drugs I would cut contact too until I was certain the issue was resolved. She wasn't being unreasonable. If you were only out of pocket by a passport you are lucky, you should have made your son pay that back to you as it was a direct consequence of his actions.

If I knew another 13 year old child was vaping and taking illegal drugs and I was on friendly terms with the mum I would tell her, why didn't you? It is a 13 year old child that you know, and I presume care about, that is taking drugs ffs!

The boys are 13 now, if you cant get over it surely they can make their own arrangements and your contact with the mum can be minimal. You can just keep it civil, unless you find out her child is taking drugs again then let her know!

Dippypippy1980 · 20/04/2019 15:50

Broken wing makes a good point. If your son is telling the truth and this other boy is taking drugs - surely he needs to help your son was lucky enough to get.

Also if your son is doing so much better, why allow his to be friends with this other boy who is taking drugs and stealing (assuming son is telling the truth).

Armadillostoes · 20/04/2019 15:50

OP I can understand why her failing to communicate about the holiday was upsetting, especially given that she caused you expense. Why not just tell her that? That you found her behaviour very rude.

EmeraldShamrock · 20/04/2019 15:52

The boys are nearly 15 now, I see your point, she was over friendly, you both had pizza nights etc.
I would be a little hurt too, if one of my mom friends just cut me off, even if DCs were bad for eachother.
Keep polite but learn your lesson and keep a distance.

englishdictionary · 20/04/2019 15:53

, she was over friendly, you both had pizza nights etc.

The kids had pizza nights, not the adults.

Original poster

SandraDea · 20/04/2019 15:54

The other boy is no longer vaping or smoking according to my son - this all happened a while ago in which case I don’t see the point of informing other mum. If he still was doing this then yes I of course would make her aware.

Yes armadillo - I think you’re right I should tell her I found her behaviour rude I think that may give me great satisfaction!

OP posts:

Dishwashersaurous · 20/04/2019 15:57

Surely it was obvious that if your son was smoking weed , at 13,that he wouldn’t be going on any sort of holiday pretty much ever.

Ok she didn’t explicitly say that he was no longer invited but obviously that is what was going to happen

englishdictionary · 20/04/2019 16:02

She hasn't done anything rude. You really do need to take a step or 2 back and look at this again OP.

The boys were friends. She invited yours on holiday. The boys were no longer allowed to be friends. Obviously yours wasn't going on holiday.

There was no need for her to spell it out to you.

ittakes2 · 20/04/2019 16:03

Honestly, she is right to discourage the friendship at a point when she felt they were badly influencing each other. If she know sees things differently than what is the issue with that? I think she sounds sensible - for me lots of people would have stopped communicating out of embarrassment after there was an issue - the fact she is still communicating is a good thing in my opinion.

Original poster

SandraDea · 20/04/2019 16:04

Grumpelstiltskin - yes I totally agree

OP posts:

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 20/04/2019 16:11

Why did you have to be informed that the boys were hanging around the town centre late at night; hadn’t you noticed?? You seem extraordinarily lax with a 13 year old you know is smoking weed and stealing (is that how he funds it?)
Telling the other mum you find her behaviour rude would make you sound like an absolute idiot 🤨
But that may not come as much of a surprise to her...

ByeClaire · 20/04/2019 16:11

Hang on, if your DS is 13 NOW and this all kicked off 18 months ago - or at least over a year ago - then he was a maximum of 12 when smoking the weed, yes?

Bottom line is I don’t think his friendship is healthy for either boy right now when they tee so young - and at an age when they should be getting parental boundaries. I’d phone and tell her that you think her previous decision to separate the boys was wise and despite recent events, you’d like to uphold that please - and do you don’t wish her don visiting your house or vv.

Lovemusic33 · 20/04/2019 16:20

I’m more shocked that you didn’t know what your 13 (possibly 12) year old was doing hanging out in town at night?

I don’t see any issue with the mother, she did the right thing as she felt the relationship between her son and yours was a bad one (she was right).

Maybe concentrate on parenting your teenager and making sure you know what he’s up too.

I was smoking at 13 (weed at 14), my parents didn’t have a clue where I was or who I was with because they didn’t really care as long as I was out from under their feet. I couldn’t be like this with my teens, I know exactly where they are and who they are with at all times.

staydazzling · 20/04/2019 16:23

she does sound stuck and shitty OP I understand your feelings

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