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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how to feel about DS (13) friends mum

113 replies

SandraDea · 20/04/2019 14:22

About 18 months ago my DS 13 was friends with another boy (also 13). They’d hang out together have pizza nights sleep overs at mine and other boys house etc. The boys parents even invited my son to go on holiday which meant we went to the time and expense of fast tracking a passport for my son. In the few weeks leading up to the holiday my son started behaving quite badly both in school and out of school (dabbling with vaping and smoking weed and being disrespectful in school)

. On a couple of occasions the mum would call me to ask if she knew that both my son and hers were hanging around in town centre (it was later than their curfew on a Saturday night) and generally express concern about what they were up to. Anyway the upshot was all of a sudden her son was not allowed to hang around with mine and we didn’t hear anything more about the holiday.

We’ve had a difficult year or so and now seem to have my son back on track with his behaviour both in and out of school. All of a sudden this friend has reappeared on the scene and the mum has sent a few texts just with things like arranging to collect her son from my house etc.

My issue is she is acting like there’s no history and tbh I feel her behaviour was a bit stuck up and self righteous. She’s now texting me with friendly messages and I feel she is trying to have some kind of relationship with me.

My son is quite a popular lad with a lot of friends and is not particularly bothered about having a friendship with this particular boy - in fact he’s told me that this boy was doing all the things he was but just didn’t get caught!

I don’t feel anything but annoyance towards this mum and I hate being false and pretending to like someone when I don’t!

WWYD?

OP posts:
Purpletigers · 20/04/2019 16:25

I think you have bigger issues than another mum tbh . Kids will always try to take someone down with them when they get in trouble . You only have your sons word that the other boy did anything .
Keep a closer eye on your son in future, he shouldn’t be out roaming the steers at night . Neither would I wouldn’t be telling him how proud you are of him yet . A month of good behaviour doesn’t condone what he did .

SeasonalVag · 20/04/2019 16:34

The holiday, the mum and her son are the VERY least of your problems OP!!

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 20/04/2019 16:43

Ignore staydazzling’s ridiculous comment

Laiste · 20/04/2019 16:53

To wonder how to feel about DS (13) friends mum

... All of a sudden this friend has reappeared on the scene and the mum has sent a few texts just with things like arranging to collect her son from my house etc. ... She’s now texting me with friendly messages and I feel she is trying to have some kind of relationship with me. ... I don’t feel anything but annoyance towards this mum and I hate being false and pretending to like someone when I don’t! WWYD?

Yes armadillo - I think you’re right I should tell her I found her behaviour rude I think that may give me great satisfaction!

So the genuine thrust of this is that you think the other mum was rude to have not contacted you to discus the reason she didn't want your son to go on holiday with them any more. And that you think she wants to be your friend.

My opinion is that she felt too awkward to have the convo. and thought you'd probably get it, and that you wouldn't be wanting him to go either.

The friendship thing? Can't say without knowing what her messages are. But you've said she's sent ''a few texts just with things like arranging to collect her son from my house''. If that's all then that sounds like just facilitating her son's friendship with yours. Or is it more than that? And why wouldn't you want to be friendly anyway!?

Ukelou · 20/04/2019 16:53

You are getting so angry with the other mum because u feel embarrassed and judged. You say in your op it's not always bad parenting which suggests that you think people think this. You are projecting your guilt shame and embarrassment onto the other mum. This is why you are so desperate for her son to be as bad. That's what I suspect.

Laiste · 20/04/2019 16:59

The simple thing to do would be to ring her up and say:

''hi other mum. Would it be ok to ask how come you never talked to me about canceling the holiday plans? I understand why it happened but would have liked to talk about it. My son is doing much better with his behavior lately and it's nice that he and X are able to go back to being mates''.

And see what she says?
Or would you feel there's no real need and that it would actually be quite awkward? Like maybe she did ....

TeddybearBaby · 20/04/2019 17:03

I have a 12 year old boy and the school have told me he should stay away from another boy. The teachers have been told to keep them away as well. I don’t think the other boy is all to blame or a bad influence, I just don’t think they’re a good fit. They distract / bring out the worst in each other. That bit I wouldn’t take personally.

But she should have spoken to you about the holiday, I think that’s really rude.

Haffdonga · 20/04/2019 17:09

Or
Hi other mum
My son is doing much better with his behavior lately since he stopped hanging around with your ds so I feel it would be better if we kept up the low contact between our families.
Sandra x

Original poster
SandraDea · 20/04/2019 17:11

Haffdonga yes I think that’s a very good response- thank you,

OP posts:
Original poster
SandraDea · 20/04/2019 17:12

Ukelou why do you think I’m angry?

OP posts:
Laiste · 20/04/2019 17:12

Yep. Or what haffdonga said.

It's just a bit odd being angry with someone for not getting in contact with you about something in the past, and then when they get back in contact again secretly seething about what they never said ...

Piss or get off the pot with the woman.

Original poster
SandraDea · 20/04/2019 17:15

Leister Lol not angry or seething!? Not sure where you got that from

OP posts:
Original poster
SandraDea · 20/04/2019 17:16

Laiste not leister sorry!

OP posts:
theWarOnPeace · 20/04/2019 17:16

Ukelo has it right, I believe.

OP, this woman is the least of your worries. Your 12 year old has clearly had problems and I think you’re absolutely right to be proud of him for making changes. I can only imagine how easy it is for teenagers to go off the rails, and you’ve engaged with services and helped him to sort himself out. All of this is really great. But. Can you really blame the other mum for preserving her own child in the first instance? I can understand how your son fell into this behaviour and appreciate his attempts to turn it around, but can you really not understand how scary it is from another parent’s perspective?

The other mum didn’t let you know because she possibly thought it was bloody obvious. I would have assumed a child of that age had a passport, so wouldn’t have factored in the expense really.

FWIW I was hanging around, smoking weed and doing all sorts at that age. Now a respectable member of society and havent messed my life up, so personally I don’t hold any judgement over your son. That being said, I know that I would try to remove my own children from another child’s influence, if I believed that child was smoking and stealing. I know you’ll hate to read this, but I think you should be much more gracious towards the parents of children who are still friends with your son. He’s lucky, and you’re lucky, that he has friends after his recent behaviour.

Laiste · 20/04/2019 17:25

If i'm off the mark then apologies. Anger is what i pick up from your posts i guess.

You've said 'annoyance' and a few times that you think she's rude. You're wondering what to do.

What will you do then, do you think?

ByeClaire · 20/04/2019 17:26

OP did you see my post? I asked a Q and made effectively the same suggestion to Haffdonga —but first—.

As you’re talking about people being rude, I personally find it rude when an OP selectively replies, but then I check myself and realise they probably just missed it and aren’t being disrespectful. Just like how the other mother’s boy was unlikely to be intending to be disrespectful by not mentioning the holiday.

RainbowWaffles · 20/04/2019 17:27

It goes without saying that this woman’s behaviour is the least of your problems, I doubt you are asserting that it is a huge issue in your life. Many things aired on here are not problem number one. I think the mum was very rude. Who invites someone on holiday then says no more about it?! A simple text advising you there had been a change in circumstances is not too much to expect. Simply saying you could have guessed the holiday is off is not adequate. If she hadn’t have specifically invited him on holiday then it would be fair enough to not contact you, there would be no reason to. I would do as a pp suggested and tell her you don’t think your sons are a good fit and you would prefer not to facilitate contact between them.

Original poster
SandraDea · 20/04/2019 17:33

ByeClaire sorry I didn’t see your previous post. My son is currently 13, 14 in August he’s the youngest in his year so yes he was only 12 when this was happening.

Thank you for taking the time to post.

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 20/04/2019 17:39

It's simple.

Yes text the mum.

"I appreciate you have backed off re allowing your ds to hang around with mine. However we are not friends. We can have contact for the boys. Just to inform you if they start behaving badly again now they've re kindled the relationship I'll be stopping it. As it will show they are clearly a bad influence on each other".

But you seriously need to get your rose tinted glasses off re your own ds.

My friends kids are out of control and she says it's normal teen stuff.
I don't know any other teen like it. Except the ones plastered all over the local FB pages being caught on camera doing illegal stuff.
Their parents defend them on there too 🙄🤷‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

ByeClaire · 20/04/2019 17:39

Thanks for replying.

I wanted to know because a lot of posters were talking about a child smoking weed at 13 and having questionable parental supervision at 13. But in fact he was 12, which makes it worse IMO. Just like how i think it’s much more common for a child to smoke weed at 14 than 13 - there can be a big difference between the years at this age due to puberty.

Yogagirl123 · 20/04/2019 17:39

Staggering that parents don’t accept that some teens take drugs, fools paradise. Talk to your children.

Newyearnewname2019 · 20/04/2019 17:42

I have two teenagers. One 14 and one 15. If they were acting like your son then they wouldn't be allowed to go on holiday or infact leave my house except for school. Rein your son in. She isn't the problem, your son is. Sort him out while you can.

Original poster
SandraDea · 20/04/2019 17:48

Laiste, I think I’ll let it fizzle out as I can’t see this friendship lasting, my son is not that keen on the other boy.

As far as the other mum is concerned as previously said I have no issues with her discouraging the friendship or wanting to take him on holiday.

She commented when she collected her son from my house recently that it was a ‘lovely house’ in a ‘nice area’ and has recently found out that me and his dad both have ‘respectful careers’, and noticed we have nice cars on the drive etc.

I get the impression she felt that because our son was behaving badly she may have assumed we were a rough family, but now has changed her perspective? Anyway I just don’t like people who come across as being shallow and fickle.

I’m quite the opposite, I’m down to earth and believe all kinds of parents can have children with problems regardless or their parenting, back ground or status if that is a thing?

Anyway probably thinking too deeply about it - just tend to go on my gut instinct which is unfavourable so if she continues to want to befriend me regardless of the status of the boys relationship I’ll politely decline as suggested by pp.

I still think it’s rude just to not mention the holiday but I’ll try and move past it!

OP posts:
Original poster
SandraDea · 20/04/2019 17:55

I’m not rose tinted or defending my son, I’m realistic and know there’s a difference between typical teens and my son has indeed been out of control

There are indeed much bigger problems which some posters have picked up on and I am more than aware of this.

This wasn’t really a thread about his behaviour though (well maybe indirectly) it was more about how another parent has suddenly changed their views of me and my son and actually how I feel about it.

OP posts:
Ukelou · 20/04/2019 17:56

To clarify I wasn't saying you should feel shame or guilt just that I got the impression you did. All children can go off the rails and yes she probably was judging which is galling but you can do nothing about that it's not in your control. Just don't waste precious energy blaming her for how you feel.

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