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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how to feel about DS (13) friends mum

113 replies

SandraDea · 20/04/2019 14:22

About 18 months ago my DS 13 was friends with another boy (also 13). They’d hang out together have pizza nights sleep overs at mine and other boys house etc. The boys parents even invited my son to go on holiday which meant we went to the time and expense of fast tracking a passport for my son. In the few weeks leading up to the holiday my son started behaving quite badly both in school and out of school (dabbling with vaping and smoking weed and being disrespectful in school)

. On a couple of occasions the mum would call me to ask if she knew that both my son and hers were hanging around in town centre (it was later than their curfew on a Saturday night) and generally express concern about what they were up to. Anyway the upshot was all of a sudden her son was not allowed to hang around with mine and we didn’t hear anything more about the holiday.

We’ve had a difficult year or so and now seem to have my son back on track with his behaviour both in and out of school. All of a sudden this friend has reappeared on the scene and the mum has sent a few texts just with things like arranging to collect her son from my house etc.

My issue is she is acting like there’s no history and tbh I feel her behaviour was a bit stuck up and self righteous. She’s now texting me with friendly messages and I feel she is trying to have some kind of relationship with me.

My son is quite a popular lad with a lot of friends and is not particularly bothered about having a friendship with this particular boy - in fact he’s told me that this boy was doing all the things he was but just didn’t get caught!

I don’t feel anything but annoyance towards this mum and I hate being false and pretending to like someone when I don’t!

WWYD?

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 20/04/2019 15:02

I'm not sure that stealing a bike 4 weeks ago means that your DS had got his shit together yet.

How about you sort his awful, criminal behaviour out before you worry what this other mum is doing?

gobbynorthernbird · 20/04/2019 15:03

Did it cross your mind that the other boy wasn't caught because your son is lying about him doing this stuff?

Dippypippy1980 · 20/04/2019 15:03

Choli

THAT is rally uncalled for!

I Know adults who read he beano. I am also a big fan of young adult literature - nothing wrong with my intellect or maturity

Dippypippy1980 · 20/04/2019 15:03

BUt my spelling is atrocious!!

Oblomov19 · 20/04/2019 15:04

Did you honestly expect her to have taken your ds on holiday? Once the weed and vaping came to light?

englishdictionary · 20/04/2019 15:05

Neither is reading a comic meant for much younger children.

Haha. Reading the Beano V smoking weed.

I don't even think Mumsnet would have someone who could compare these as being equally weird for a 13 year old.

Have genuinely seen it all.

Original poster
SandraDea · 20/04/2019 15:05

We’ve seen a massive improvement in his behaviour in the last month and I’m really proud that he’s trying. Sometimes children have problems and issues which are not necessarily a result of bad parenting.

My other son (12) is angelic!

OP posts:
MrsKrabbapple · 20/04/2019 15:05

Oh Choli! 😂

NottonightJosepheen · 20/04/2019 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SandraDea · 20/04/2019 15:08

Just want to clarify I’m fine with the fact that she didn’t want her son hanging around with mine and changing her mind about the holiday.

My issue is now her son is ‘allowed’ to hang around with mine she’s acting like nothing has happened- it was rude just to go NC then act like nothing has happened imo

OP posts:
TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 20/04/2019 15:09

You already know why, op. Your 13yo son steals bikes and smokes weed. Oh, and acts like an arse in school.
Why do you need to hear her say why she wants her son to distance himself from yours? It can’t be any great mystery to either of you.

Original poster
SandraDea · 20/04/2019 15:10

My son has just told me other stuff he’s done (other boy)and presumably mum is blissfully unaware

OP posts:
Dippypippy1980 · 20/04/2019 15:11

But she’s not your friend surely. You have had contact beciase your children were friends. SHe distanced herself hen she no longer allowed the boys to hang out - there was no reason to contact you.

Your son still seems to be struggling - and I am sure it is very challenging for you. 5ere may well be more incod nuts which make this other woman back off again.

You be polite and distant and focus eon your troubled re-enlisted.

englishdictionary · 20/04/2019 15:12

My issue is now her son is ‘allowed’ to hang around with mine she’s acting like nothing has happened- it was rude just to go NC then act like nothing has happened imo

Eh! NC?

OP i think you are reading far too much into this. She is a parent of a kid your kid knows. She isn't a family member. She didn't go NC, she didn't talk to you because she had no reason to. Now the boys are mates again she has messaged about picking hers up. That's so very normal.

I don't know why but I get the feeling you see her as important when she sees you, quite rightly, as someone to contact to make arrangements for her DS, because that's all you are.

Original poster
SandraDea · 20/04/2019 15:12

The grey - yeah I didn’t ask why though!

OP posts:
Dippypippy1980 · 20/04/2019 15:12

O how dear god - troubled teen. Spell check is very strange

Original poster
SandraDea · 20/04/2019 15:13

But she wants to be my friend- sorry I thought I put that in op

OP posts:
brizzlemint · 20/04/2019 15:14

I think it was a bit shitty inviting him on holiday, giving me the dates then just not bothering to contact me - I think that’s rude

Should have let you know, I expect she felt awkward given what your son was doing at the time but an email or text explaining that he couldn't go on holiday with them would have been appropriate. Well done for supporting him and getting back on the rails, it can't have been easy.

RuthW · 20/04/2019 15:14

No way any 13 year old of mine would be allowed anywhere near a friend using weed. You are being unreasonable.

Dippypippy1980 · 20/04/2019 15:15

And be careful lapping up stories for your son. He can probably sense you want dirt on this boy. To might not be true - even if it is so what. It doesn’t change the bad stuff your teen has been up to.

My mum used to always say I don’t care what the other girls have been up too - I care about what you have done.

You are angry at the other mum. Ignore her. Your son is walking a thin line - put all your energy into keeping him on the right path.

englishdictionary · 20/04/2019 15:17

But she wants to be my friend- sorry I thought I put that in op

What do you mean she wants to be your friend?

She has contacted you prior to this to discuss the boys. Now she is contacting you to make arrangements regarding her son.

Where in earth are you getting she was ever your friend, or wants to be your friend?

You have blown this massively out of proportion. The part about her going NC is hilarious tbh. She doesn't talk because she had no reason to. It's so very simple.

CantStopMeNow · 20/04/2019 15:18

Stop being so wet.
Just tell her that whilst DS is free to choose his friends you don't want her son hanging out at your house - you're not free childcare (which is what she's angling for no doubt)

Playmytune · 20/04/2019 15:18

To be honest, the fact that she stopped her son hanging around with hers, should have made it obvious the holiday was cancelled! When’s she was contacting you about their hanging around the town centre late on a Saturday night, where were they supposed to be? Where they supposed to be having a sleepover at yours?
Op, you don’t seem to be concerned about this or your son smoking weed etc.? You come across as being the type of mother who doesn’t care what her 13 year old son gets up to. Your son’s friend’s mother was probably concerned about the influence your son was having on her son, and the lack of parental control you exercised.
Very surprised she is trying to interact with you, unless she is stilll worried and wants to keep you close, so she can see for herself that your son has turned over a new leaf!

Ellisandra · 20/04/2019 15:21

Why do you paint the other mum as being in denial, when it was her calling you telling you both boys were loitering in town after bedtime?

You say the upshot was her son wasn’t allowed to hang out with yours - so you knew that, so of course it extended to the holiday.

Why are you not posting, “AIBU to think it’s lovely that this friend hasn’t just cut me out permanently because my son was smoking weed and stealing bikes at 13 and still has only ‘proved’ himself for 4 weeks”? Hmm

PrincessDanae · 20/04/2019 15:21

Would you still have allowed your son to go on the holiday? Because in your shoes i'd have been delighted to not have to go back on allowing him to go, because no way would he have been permitted to go away in holiday wih that boy and his family. Sometimes its not a case of one child influencing anoher, but 2 children bouncing off each other, egging each oher on, and being a really bad mix.

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