AIBU to think this is a little bit dickish?

[Passmethewineandstraw]

My DD is 11. She doesn’t have a lot of sleepovers here at home as she has two younger siblings and we don’t have a lot of extra space but seeing as we seem to be entering the sleepover years 😳😭🤣 where her friends have one every weekend we have been trying to make a bit more effort.

She invited a friend over here this afternoon/tonight and she seems lovely, very easy to chat to and we really haven’t seen much of them other than to feed them and the occasional dance move they wanted to show us but they have been getting on great.

We had arranged a trip out for us all tomorrow and had asked DD if she’d like to invite her friend to come along too, friend had been over the moon and DH had explained the logistics of trip to her dad when he had picked her up this afternoon, her mum had also dropped a few things over that she might need (they live quite locally to us) later on.

DD and her DF have been discussing this trip all evening, outfits, picnic ideas, who’s sitting next to each other in the car etc etc, both seems generally quite excited about it my DD especially as this is quite a novelty for her.

DD came back downstairs (looking a little heartbroken) an hour ago to say there was a change of plan and her DF had just had a text from another friend and decided that she was going to go and meet her tomorrow instead! Her dad was going to come and pick her up early on before we left. Her mum also sent me a text confirming the change of plan.

My DH is absolutely fuming at the whole situation and was talking (half heartedly) of putting DD’s DF in a taxi and sending her home, mostly because his little girls looks like she has had the wind kicked out her sails and despite feeling let down has put on a brave face and carried on making her friend feel at home and make the most of her night.

I’m not particularly annoyed at her DF, think kids will be kids and there are always going to be better options that come along in life

However AIBU to think that if my child had committed to do something with a friend which had been organised and both parties were looking forward to it that there’d be absolutely no chance, as a parent, I’d allow them to change their plans at the last minute and let their friend down.

Maybe I’m sounding a little precious and I promise DD is no snowflake, I just think it’s rotten that she has been made to feel second best and just a back up until something better came along.

@scaryteacher that bullying sounds terrible how awful. In my experience girls are a lot more malicious, allowing for the fact of Male violence against each other - a couple of boys in separate incidents were really badly hurt. But in terms of cruel exclusion and other social hurts the females were quantifiably worse

This is horrible but I learned long ago that, at that age, fall outs very often occur during sleepovers and my DC were usually glad and relieved to see the back of even very good friends around 10am the next day!

Your DD sounds like a kind, resilient girl so I'm sure she'll be fine and you should be very proud. I do wonder at parents who condone this kind of behaviour in kids. Obviously it's totally normal for a child to want to go with a better offer but it's for us as parents to explain to them that this isn't acceptable behaviour, ask how they would feel etc. If you never have adults in your life doing this how are you going to grow up?

I blame the parents. They should teach the kid about manners, and not making people feel small or less important than others. That's not a good way to have friendships.

Even if she did change her mind etc and it was a get out, they could have thought of a lie that wouldn't be hurtful or been honest and said sorry!

If you’d planned the trip specifically for your daughter and her friend and then she turned it down for another offer I’d understand why you’d be so put out on behalf of your daughter and I would be pissed off too.

But this was a trip that you invited the friend to tag along on, the day before.

For me that makes a difference. Her parents might not have thought it was a big deal if her daughter changed her mind about going because you’re doing the trip anyway.

I completely get your daughter’s disappointment but I think you and your husband are over reacting and need to take into account the context.

It was a last minute invite and whilst it’s not ideal to back out, the negative comments seem a bit extreme.

As a general point these things happen with boys too and they don’t always bounce back, resilience and perspective is down to the individual, regardless of gender.

My son would have reacted to your daughter’s situation with the same level of disappointment. My daughter on the other hand would not have been that bothered.

Sometimes it comes down to order of birth. I think eldest born kids can be more susceptible to this type of disappointment.

Out of interest is the friend a first born or does she have older siblings?

I find that second born/youngest children are more resilient and accommodating of last minute changes and by the same token might seem a bit flaky when they do it to others.

Vast generalisation but that’s been my observation and personal experience too with me and my siblings!

Just to be clear I’m not condoning the behavior but just saying on the scale of let downs it could have been worse and to have some perspective as that may help your daughter too.

birds It is surprisinging how accurate stereotypes can be, and you can see why they arise. I've lived abroad for 13 years now, and I have an international group of friends and acquaintances. To an extent we all fit the stereotype of our nations.

I think the girl or the girl's parent has not wanted her to go and the meeting another friend is just an excuse. To be fair, I can see from both sides. If one of my kids was somewhere they didn't want to be I would help them get out of it. But I can see how hurtful and disappointing this is for your daughter.
If it was genuinely just them dropping her for another friend, I would tell them to see through the plans with the first friend and teach them not to let friends down.

I agree with ProvincialBelle and you still, scaryteacher, I endured similar (I think) bullying at school and the meanness and spite came from girls, not boys, girls. I had huge boobs and whilst the boys did tease me a lot and it was relentless sometimes, it was the girls (not all of them but only girls) who referred to me as 'slut'. Because of my boobs. The boys were just content with harassing me but it would stop there - the social exclusions, being made to keenly feel different and somehow 'defective' was executed by some of the girls. I wouldn't go back to those days for anything. My breast reduction at just 15 was because of the girls that I was forced to be around at school. It was rushed through as I was suicidal and, if I knew then what I know now, I would have left the school, asked to be educated at home and then continued education as a mature student.

Even as an adult, realising that this was their issue not mine, I failed to ever really fit in a group of female friends because the ganging up, picking off and general backstabbing was more than I could bear. I will never, ever be part of a friendship 'group' again and don't want to be. I have one-to-one friends and keep those limited and close - everybody else is acquaintance status.

I find the 'right-on' stance of some posters on the thread who keep 'correcting' others when they talk of their own experiences of predominantly female harassment and spite, to be obdurate and akin to trolling. Nobody's saying that it is all girls or only girls, but some girls are certainly inclined this way and it's a very different flavour when you're on the receiving end of it. It's dismissive and rude to keep posturing that it's not true. It's another person's reality, even if it doesn't fit in with your own narrow-minded narrative.

I have a daughter. I would be beyond disappointed if she behaved in the manner that some girls do (and their mothers - presumably - make excuses for). We can all be mean and unkind sometimes, everybody has that in them, but prolonged and malicious spite is something else and, in my experience, that is most likely a female trait.

A life lesson but dealt with well. DD is now 15 and very happy that she isn’t one of the “cool” —aka mean— girls as the pressure they put on each other re:appearance/drinking/parties/boyfriends is huge. She is just happy with who she is and behaving how she wants to without everyone gossiping about what she’s been up to. And she has some terrific friends as a consequence

As long as we are all fine with trotting out stereotypes about black people or jews or gay people as well. After all if we can only do it for females well that would look a bit like misogyny wouldnt it.

@LyingWitchinthewardrobe that’s appalling that you had to have surgery at 15. I can only hope that years later some of those responsible felt some deep shame. Eventually I had cosmetic surgery too of a different sort and lied to most people that there was a medical reason. I was never suicidal but just repeatedly and immensely frustrated that some people just couldn’t help commenting when I could not see it was any of their business.

I can only say your daughter is lucky to have a strong and articulate mum. I think she’ll be fine 😀

don't worry birdsdestiny, black, jewish or gay girls are just as bitchy and can be as horrid as any other girl. No need to play the racist cards when you state facts about a group in general.

Lovely.

Gosh @scared, I never thought I’d see someone on a thread in 2019 talking about how accurate & useful stereotypes are???. I’m aghast.
So presumably you’re English abroad? You may think you fit the stereotype of polite, determined, stiff upper lip, no nonsense? Someone else’s view of you might be boorish, loutish, refusing to speak another language etc.
That’s the trouble with stereotypes isn’t it? They’re lazy, dangerous and damaging. I’m appalled you’re an educator.

I remember a similar thing happening to me. Difference was that I was 15 and was the one staying at friends for a weekend. Although at the same school we lived about 40 miles apart. Friend had a better offer on the Saturday, with her horsey neighbour, and wanted to leave me at her house while she went away to a horse show with them. I couldn’t phone my parents to pick me up as they were away for the weekend. My friends mother turned round and said no to her. She then had a major tantrum and started screamingly and shouting. I said to her mother that I would rather she went than have her so upset. I couldn’t believe her behaviour. If the tables had been turned and I had behaved in that manner, my parents would have literally thrashed me and I would have been grounded for weeks! She did go, and left me with her sister who was only a year older. I actually had a great day with her sister and really enjoyed myself. My “friend” was really miffed when she got home, from what had turned out to be a disappointing day for her (as the event was cancelled ), to hear me and her sister laughing in her sister’s room! She had the cheek to say to me that she was supposed to be my friend, not her sister!
The friendship never recovered from this and we hardly spoke to each other again.
Her sister and I however kept in touch and I found her to be a much nicer person than my (ex)friend! She and I became great friends and ended up sharing a flat when we went to university. After that we kept in touch and regularly visited each other and were at each other’s weddings! We often laughed about how we ended up being so close!

what a spectacular backfire one can only wish

My kid would have had a severe talking to about being rude and inconsiderate and would have a choice of sticking with the original plan or staying at home. There is no way i would condone or reinforce that behaviour by facilitating it. Your poor DD.

I see a difference in the way boys and girls are brought up to behave, and they are. Boys are encouraged to be up front, more aggressive in their speech and expectations etc. Girls are expected to be nice, accommodating, considerate etc. But all kids have the same instinct in how to interact with each other, sometimes girls are cross and want to lash out but quickly learn to do it in a more covert manner than the boys...by exclusion, or whispering etc.

Anyway. I'm this instance perhaps in her very young mind she thought that she had seen your dd and should spread her time to include another friend too? Poor show on the part of the parents to allow/not acknowledge that it isn't the done thing.

I think I too would have said something along the lines of "oh really? What a shame, DD will be so disappointed at the change of plans. See you tomorrow then."

Aww that's a shame, I would be upset for your daughter also. Also my daughter would not be allowed to change plans last minute either, she would be reminded that she had already committed to plans and that was that.

I would take this as an opportunity to teach your daughter that, unfortunately, sometimes in life people let us down, and it's how we react to this that is most important. I would let your daughter know that you understand she is hurt but that it's not a reflection on her, but bad manners of her friend and that she should remember how she felt should she ever find herself in the same position as her friend.

Make the day extra special for her and she will have a ball without her friend! I feel for your daughter, I remember being that age and some friends being little bitches.