Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is a little bit dickish?

119 replies

Passmethewineandstraw · 18/04/2019 23:31

My DD is 11. She doesn’t have a lot of sleepovers here at home as she has two younger siblings and we don’t have a lot of extra space but seeing as we seem to be entering the sleepover years 😳😭🤣 where her friends have one every weekend we have been trying to make a bit more effort.

She invited a friend over here this afternoon/tonight and she seems lovely, very easy to chat to and we really haven’t seen much of them other than to feed them and the occasional dance move they wanted to show us but they have been getting on great.

We had arranged a trip out for us all tomorrow and had asked DD if she’d like to invite her friend to come along too, friend had been over the moon and DH had explained the logistics of trip to her dad when he had picked her up this afternoon, her mum had also dropped a few things over that she might need (they live quite locally to us) later on.

DD and her DF have been discussing this trip all evening, outfits, picnic ideas, who’s sitting next to each other in the car etc etc, both seems generally quite excited about it my DD especially as this is quite a novelty for her.

DD came back downstairs (looking a little heartbroken) an hour ago to say there was a change of plan and her DF had just had a text from another friend and decided that she was going to go and meet her tomorrow instead! Her dad was going to come and pick her up early on before we left. Her mum also sent me a text confirming the change of plan.

My DH is absolutely fuming at the whole situation and was talking (half heartedly) of putting DD’s DF in a taxi and sending her home, mostly because his little girls looks like she has had the wind kicked out her sails and despite feeling let down has put on a brave face and carried on making her friend feel at home and make the most of her night.

I’m not particularly annoyed at her DF, think kids will be kids and there are always going to be better options that come along in life

However AIBU to think that if my child had committed to do something with a friend which had been organised and both parties were looking forward to it that there’d be absolutely no chance, as a parent, I’d allow them to change their plans at the last minute and let their friend down.

Maybe I’m sounding a little precious and I promise DD is no snowflake, I just think it’s rotten that she has been made to feel second best and just a back up until something better came along.

OP posts:
UserName31456789 · 19/04/2019 08:52

YANBU if either of my DC had wanted to do that (and it's the kind of thoughtless things kids do all the time) I would have reminded them they'd already made a commitment and can't just change their mind now.

MissClareRemembers · 19/04/2019 08:55

Yup, unbelievably rude. I would never do this or allow my DCs to do this but it happens far more often than you’d think. Over the years, I’ve come to the conclusion that some people are just rude, self-centred, unthinking twats.

scaryteacher · 19/04/2019 08:56

@Provincialbelle Sticking to a prior commitment as drummed into me as well. The one time I didn't stick to that was when I had a friend coming to stay for the weekend, and had to put her off as I went into labour several weeks early. She forgave me!

Provincialbelle · 19/04/2019 09:00

@scaryteacher I think that just about qualifies as an acceptable excuse!

Hoppinggreen · 19/04/2019 09:01

We don’t know what the friend has said to her parents to be fair
If my dd messaged me to say she really didn’t want to go somewhere I would question her and if she had a genuine reason then I would probably help her to get out of it.
However, if she had just changed her mind or had a better offer I would insist she go
I remember years ago going to a friends for an afternoon ( I was about 11 I think) and before I knew it they were making plans for a sleepover and a day out next day. I was enjoying the afternoon but wanted to go home later and didn’t know how to articulate it. The Mum told me to phone my Mum to say I was staying and I managed to subtly make her understand (she knew me very well) and she asked to speak to friends
Mum and said she was very sorry but we had plans and she would be picking me up a Sunday arranged.
The parents in this case have handled it badly and maybe the whole family is just rude and I see why your dd is upset but at 11 they don’t always handle things the way they should

Missingstreetlife · 19/04/2019 09:10

I think it's rude but perhaps you were silly to extend the invite for the next day. It's likely they will have had enough of each other by morning.
Enjoy your weekend, your girl seemed to take it in her stride after she got to grips with it. Talk it over when dfhas gone. What would she do next time, if roles reversed etc. No harm done. Just tell the parents you were a bit surprised or let it go this time.

PositiveVibez · 19/04/2019 09:10

I think it's sad for your DD, but I am also rather - upset isn't the right word -, but really sad at some of the responses

Girls are mean

Girls are horrible

No. People are dicks.

Please stop with reinforcing these stereotypes. Saying these things is horrible. I am speakeing as the mum of a dd and 1 of 4 sisters.

The parents were arse holes in this particular case, but please stop with the girls are horrible and mean comments. It wouldn't be acceptable if someone was lumping adult women together in this way, so don't talk about girls this way either.

scaryteacher · 19/04/2019 09:14

@Provincialbelle We are still in contact 23 years on, so yes, an acceptable excuse. I was expecting a nice lazy weekend with a friend, instead 12 hours later, I had a baby!

Foxmuffin · 19/04/2019 09:16

Really rude what if you’d made plans or bought tickets etc?

Rystall · 19/04/2019 09:17

@scaryteacher, with respect, what chance do our girls have if as a teacher you’re willing to buy in to this lazy stereotype?

There’s nothing as mean as a secondary school girl?? I suggest you take yourself over to the Relationship board and observe the horror going on in people’s lives. None of which is perpetrated by secondary school girls.

Dieu · 19/04/2019 09:18

Aww, your poor daughter. I read your OP with a crumpled face :-( I hope she's ok.
I think you are perfectly right, in that the original plan should have been adhered to - out of decency - and that her parents shouldn't have pandered to her change of heart.
Not sure if the trip has already happened, but is there anyone else she could invite instead?

Ginger1982 · 19/04/2019 09:20

Of course the friend could be anxious about something to do with the trip out but I think if she were my kid I'd be polite enough to say to the parents organising the trip, 'thanks so much for the invite. X really wanted to go but she gets really bad travel sickness and she's worried about being ill in your car. Maybe the girls could have another day out closer to home sometime?'

If it really is that she's had a better offer then, as a parent, it's not very nice to encourage her to dump your DD.

diddl · 19/04/2019 09:23

I agree that it's rude to cancel plans for another offer.

Perhaps the friend thought that it was a casual offer to "tag along" as she happened to be there?

I wonder what she told her parents as I wouldn't be encouragin mine just to change plans.

I guess that's what happens when they are all in constanct contact with each other.

LeonoraFlorence · 19/04/2019 09:23

Your poor DD. This is so disappointing for her and for you. My DDs are a little young for this kind of thing yet but I remember as a child similar things and it’s heartbreaking. Hope you all have a lovely day out anyway.

EleanorLavish · 19/04/2019 09:30

As a mother of 3 boys I can confirm that boys are just as bitchy as girls. They can be mean, exclusive, hurtful, this is not a female only thing and I hate it being pedalled as such. The only difference is I think boys are a bit more likely to forget and move on, girls will remember that slight 20 years later!Grin
Hope your DD has a lovely day, the other parents are so rude!!

TanMateix · 19/04/2019 09:32

Good grief woman, if your best way to express being annoyed is not putting kisses on text you are on for a ride.

Thankfully, the sleepover times do not last forever, but as you are likely to be having the same kids around or your DD going to very much the same houses, it may be a good idea to politely set some limit/house rules for the parents as there are some that are prone to step the mark either by being over involved throughout the night or by leaving you wondering if they would ever up the kids by the end of the weekend.

Next time you facd something like that don’t take it on the shin and go the extra mile to please them, just say something like “we are sorry to hear that, I’m sure DD will be disappointed but sure you can pick your kid up at 7:30 as we are leaving at 8. Thanks.

Babuchak · 19/04/2019 09:34

Of course it's rude, but without knowing the whole story we can only make up things. it sounds like she just planned something better, and if they had realised the parents should have been more apologetic.

Unfortunately, people do this kind of things all the time, they commit to a party, an event, a dinner and don't turn up or change plans at the last minute: just look at the amount of threads about birthday parties RSVP! Or the amount of threads from wedding guests who realise they can't be bothered at the last minute.

W0rriedMum · 19/04/2019 09:41

This is not so rare where I live.

You could have 2 friends over and the mum of one will arrive and say "I'm taking both as they're sleeping over together", leaving mine and me (the hosts all day) with open mouths. Or a child will be picked up by a different mum for their sleepover or playdate!!

But equally you might be unwittingly on the positive side of it. Your child goes to a playdate and sleepover and it seems that only yours is staying home and the other parents had to came at 7pm to collect!

It defies all manners entirely.

In my experience, late primary years were the worst. At secondary, the kids sort themselves out and this doesn't happen because they police themselves. It's the parents trying to do too much and play the popular card.

LuxLucetInTenebris · 19/04/2019 09:41

Friend and her family are rude. It is possible the girl has just got cold feet about things- maybe a bit homesick at thought of day then sleepover then another day out?? and has asked parents to extricate her. Still rude how they've done it.
I have to laugh, however, at the suggestions to invite someone else along for the day.... someone who is obviously second choice friend only being invited because first choice dropped out!!! She's be as hurt as the OP's daughter to know she was only invited as an afterthought!

Provincialbelle · 19/04/2019 09:46

@scaryteacher ah yes of course babies turn up when they decide to with no regard to social niceties or prior arrangements! When my second was born and the group text (as was in those days before WhatsApp) announcing was sent a good friend expressed some surprise about not knowing about labour starting. She quickly accepted that being rushed to hospital for what turned into emergency section didn’t allow time to text her (or anyone other than the closest family) with an update ...

SerenDippitty · 19/04/2019 09:46

YANBU. Very rude. I was once invited to tea at a friend’s house down the road. I turned up on time, she didn’t, she had accepted an invitation to tea from another friend!

Staywithmemyblood · 19/04/2019 10:11

YANBU OP! Thoughtless behaviour from the friend, and badly handled by her parents. So sorry your DD has experienced this, but it sounds like she has handled it well, showing maturity and resilience. You should be very proud of her Smile You have also responded with dignity to the parents Flowers

As PPs have suggested, use this as a learning experience for your DD. You can try and discourage the friendship, but ultimately that will be DDs decision.

When she was 12 my DD had a 'friend' who did this to her a couple of times. Friend made arrangements (at her instigation) with DD then tried to drop DD at the last minute when a 'better' offer came in from someone 'cooler' Angry Friend's parents are divorced so the 1st time it happened she was at her dad's and he made her stick to the original plan with DD. However, next time, her mum not only let her change plans, but dismissed DD as 'needy' when friend told her DD had been upset Hmm

The final straw came when 'friend' uninvited DD from her 13th birthday party (as only the 'popular' girls were going!). They are no longer friends Grin

Anyway, don't let the thoughtless friend ruin today for your DD. Hope you all have a lovely outing and that the sun is shining Smile

AWishForWingsThatWork · 19/04/2019 10:13

It's not a very nice way to treat your daughter. I feel really sorry for her that her friend has done this to her.

Were any apologies offered up at pick up time this morning?

Mummymummums · 19/04/2019 10:27

I don't agree that the DF's mum gave her an 'out'. If it was an 'out' I don't think anyone would be so crass as to mention another friend as if that's more appealing. Surely they'd have made out an unavoidable but duty bound family event that they'd 'forgotten'.
Nah.... I think the alternative was real unfortunately but as I said before, nothing you can do but move on and learn a little about this friend and her family.

AnnaFiveTowns · 19/04/2019 10:27

Jeez, people are twats! Your poor DD! But sadly, this is one of life's lessons, heartbreaking as it is to watch.