AIBU to think this is a little bit dickish?

[Passmethewineandstraw]

My DD is 11. She doesn’t have a lot of sleepovers here at home as she has two younger siblings and we don’t have a lot of extra space but seeing as we seem to be entering the sleepover years 😳😭🤣 where her friends have one every weekend we have been trying to make a bit more effort.

She invited a friend over here this afternoon/tonight and she seems lovely, very easy to chat to and we really haven’t seen much of them other than to feed them and the occasional dance move they wanted to show us but they have been getting on great.

We had arranged a trip out for us all tomorrow and had asked DD if she’d like to invite her friend to come along too, friend had been over the moon and DH had explained the logistics of trip to her dad when he had picked her up this afternoon, her mum had also dropped a few things over that she might need (they live quite locally to us) later on.

DD and her DF have been discussing this trip all evening, outfits, picnic ideas, who’s sitting next to each other in the car etc etc, both seems generally quite excited about it my DD especially as this is quite a novelty for her.

DD came back downstairs (looking a little heartbroken) an hour ago to say there was a change of plan and her DF had just had a text from another friend and decided that she was going to go and meet her tomorrow instead! Her dad was going to come and pick her up early on before we left. Her mum also sent me a text confirming the change of plan.

My DH is absolutely fuming at the whole situation and was talking (half heartedly) of putting DD’s DF in a taxi and sending her home, mostly because his little girls looks like she has had the wind kicked out her sails and despite feeling let down has put on a brave face and carried on making her friend feel at home and make the most of her night.

I’m not particularly annoyed at her DF, think kids will be kids and there are always going to be better options that come along in life

However AIBU to think that if my child had committed to do something with a friend which had been organised and both parties were looking forward to it that there’d be absolutely no chance, as a parent, I’d allow them to change their plans at the last minute and let their friend down.

Maybe I’m sounding a little precious and I promise DD is no snowflake, I just think it’s rotten that she has been made to feel second best and just a back up until something better came along.

The girl herself made plans with another friend texting this very evening right in front of OP’s dd then told her parents to come get her in the morning

She's 11. At the oldest 12.

They don't always get it right. They're learning.

It's 2 am in the UK. I don't mean this in any way to be insulting to anyone reading or commenting on this thread.
But at 2 am in the UK people who are up and commenting are likely to be:
In another time zone.
Breast feeding/changing a baby (so possibly with LESS experience of an 11 yr old).
Not parents
A drunk lush like me.

Anyone is welcome here - MNHQ are very clear about that. And we've all got our own reasons for finding MN. But (personally) I go back to that little logo in the top LH screen all the time.

OP, wait until the parents get up in the morning and see what they say. Because YES the child was rude. OF COURSE your child is upset, and that is what hurts you.

But I suspect you'll get a lot of parents in the morning saying "if my child was unhappy about an arrangement they'd made, I'd rescue them". Because you're supposed to stick up for your kid. It's what we do.

As a parent I would have insisted that my DD go on the planned day out. I feel for your daughter - it has happened to my youngest on more than one occasion. She is everybody's friend but nobody's best friend
Just make sure you and your daughter have the best day out ever - who needs friends like that when she has a lovely mum like you

Shockingly rude. Never invite her again.

I would just make sure the girl was never invited back and talk to my dd about the kind of friends you keep, and being a reliable person.

Surely if the child had suddenly become anxious about the day out her parents could just explain that, instead of going along with a lie? My DD and her best friend are both anxious types and we have sometimes arranged to do things and then as the time draws nearer they realise it's too much for them. So her mum messages me and explains, or vice versa, and no feelings are hurt.

Sounds more like she did indeed get a better offer. In which case her parents should be saying 'no, you don't let someone else down like that'.

It’s rude behaviour but a learning opportunity for you and your daughter. Time to be resilient and make a mental note to not actively encourage that friendship anymore. Her parents can’t be trusted to stick to plans. Time to start encouraging other friendships. Have a conversation about it with your daughter. Explain that it’s not how you would behave/react as a family but everyone has different morals. It’s a shame but you wish her well. If the situation was reversed then you would expect your daughter to honour her commitments. That’s why it’s a good idea for her to try out lots of friends so that she can find the friends who have the same morals as her. In a way be thankful you’ve had an early warning on this friend. You haven’t invested too much time or energy. When the parents pick her up, smile and be polite but don’t be a pushover. If they mention the day out say “it’s a shame that you backed out last minute and she was very disappointed but we’ve explained to her that not everyone sticks to plans like we do. Hope she has a good time with her other friend”

Did something happen to upset friend?

Yes, absolutely this is dickish. Very rude friend and I feel so sorry for your poor DD.

I wouldn't advise you do much about this though. DD is getting older now and she needs to learn how to handle things herself. These kinds of situations crop up in life and she can't expect her parents to get involved everytime. So as upsetting as it is to see your DD so sad, I would be there to cheer her up and give advice, and if necessary remind her how rude and unreliable her "friend" is in the future, but let your DD take the lead with how she handles it. If her friend does something like this again you may find that DD decides not to bother with her anymore and makes some new friends. All part of the learning process.

Something similar happened to my dd (although not after a sleepover) I took her cousin and two friends from school and spent a Fortune ensuring they had a wonderful time. I was very childish and even bought them things that could go into school (smiggle type stuff). It was not the first time the little s*t had done it to dd then boasted about her other play date in school and had dd in tears. Little s*t and her mum even had gall to say to be at pickup that she wishes she had gone and it wasn’t fair, I smiled sweetly and said she was invited but bailed last minute. I am generally very easygoing but someone upsetting my dc brings out the lioness in me.

Sorry fell asleep...😴

I want rude or abrupt to her mum, I’m still finding my feet with the whole secondary school thing and I don’t want to cause waves for my daughter or future group plans the girls or parents might have, I just messaged back to say “ no problem, I’d make sure she was up and ready”. No kisses though!! 🤣

The girls were giggling away afterwards and I had to ask them to turn down their music around 12ish and go to sleep so it didn’t seem like DF was particularly unhappy but I guess I don’t know that for sure.

I'm afraid that is life, people/ situations let us down, as adults all the time and it's how we learn to deal with them that is the most important thing here. Your DD sounds very resilient and these are the traits that will make into a fine adult .

What a disgusting family. I'd make sure never to have anything to do with them again.

It's rude and I wouldn't let my child do it. If they needed an out I would be honest about it. Some parents are dicks and only think of their own dc.

Firstly, can we all please, please, please stop with all the ‘girls are so mean’ / little bitches sentiment. It’s horrible, it’s damaging and betrays a real anti-woman sentiment. This is nothing to do with girls and everything to do with a child and what might motivate his / her actions.

I’m so sorry your DD is disappointed. It’s soul destroying to see that and I know you just want to fix it.

I don’t agree that the child / parents are horrible / rude / disgusting (?!) etc. As a PP said, there could be 1000 reasons she changed her mind - she’s nervous, doesn’t want to go, her parents might feel they need to contribute financially to the day out and simply don’t have it?? Why are you assuming the worst about this poor little girl?

Also she’s spent an afternoon & overnight with your DD. And by all accounts they’ve had a great time. It’s not unreasonable at all that she might want to also see another friend today??

Go, have your day out, enjoy your family time and stop overthinking this. Also just to say, be prepared.... after sleep overs ( and no sleep!), children can fade pretty fast the next day... you might all be back home sooner than you think!!!!

Is it too late to invite a different friend?

That is really rude but agree with @Rystall that rudeness is not particular to girls! Jesus.

I just wanted to say how well I thought your daughter responded. I don’t think I would have been so mature had that happened to me aged 11. Hope you all have a lovely time today!

That's very rude. Where were you going? Was it somewhere you'd expect them to want to go?

Rystall Having taught a lot of them, there is nothing quite so mean as a secondary school age girl, especially as they approach 13. I am a woman, and was constantly amazed by how horrid some of them could be, because they could.

That's not anti-woman, neither is it horrible nor damaging. It's what I observed in and out of the classroom (and I had 600+ kids a week through my classroom door). I was a teenage girl as well, and whilst I can't remember all the girls with whom I went to comprehensive, I can remember those who made everyone's life a misery, 40 years on.

OP I hope your daughter has a lovely day out with you. I would also point out this behaviour doesn't change as people age. We had a 'friend' blow us off for dh's 40th birthday as she had had a better offer, and she was in her 50s. She was most cross when we invited her ex instead, whom we hadn't asked earlier as she was supposed to be coming.

YANBU that’s so rude. Good on your DD for being nice about it - she’s obviously much better mannered!

It’s a learning experience. Similar happened to DD at that age and we had a chat about the different types of friends you can have - some are fun but unreliable, some are trustworthy friends for life, some are great for doing certain interests/hobbies and not others etc. As long as you recognise the type of friendship and what it’s ‘worth’ you can have all kinds of friends BUT you never have to be the back-up friend.

That’s really funny @scaryteacher - inviting the ex when friend ditched you - brilliant !!

Otherwise, well I was told a very simple rule when I grew up - if you make an arrangement you bloody well stick to it, even if it inconveniences you and even - especially - if you get a better offer. And show up on time. Any deviation constitutes extremely bad manners.

Could your DD invite another friend on your day off today?. She sounds a really great girl. I would have been in a major strop at her age had my friend done this to me.
This' friend' sounds very rude. I wouldn't be happy. The parents should have said 'no' to her changing her plans when something better came along. The girl sounds the type to change her mind and decide she wants to come with your DD last minute. If this happens it gets tricky.

Day out

despite feeling let down has put on a brave face and carried on making her friend feel at home and make the most of her night.

No advice but I wanted to congratulate you on your DD's maturity and resilience.