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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is a little bit dickish?

119 replies

Passmethewineandstraw · 18/04/2019 23:31

My DD is 11. She doesn’t have a lot of sleepovers here at home as she has two younger siblings and we don’t have a lot of extra space but seeing as we seem to be entering the sleepover years 😳😭🤣 where her friends have one every weekend we have been trying to make a bit more effort.

She invited a friend over here this afternoon/tonight and she seems lovely, very easy to chat to and we really haven’t seen much of them other than to feed them and the occasional dance move they wanted to show us but they have been getting on great.

We had arranged a trip out for us all tomorrow and had asked DD if she’d like to invite her friend to come along too, friend had been over the moon and DH had explained the logistics of trip to her dad when he had picked her up this afternoon, her mum had also dropped a few things over that she might need (they live quite locally to us) later on.

DD and her DF have been discussing this trip all evening, outfits, picnic ideas, who’s sitting next to each other in the car etc etc, both seems generally quite excited about it my DD especially as this is quite a novelty for her.

DD came back downstairs (looking a little heartbroken) an hour ago to say there was a change of plan and her DF had just had a text from another friend and decided that she was going to go and meet her tomorrow instead! Her dad was going to come and pick her up early on before we left. Her mum also sent me a text confirming the change of plan.

My DH is absolutely fuming at the whole situation and was talking (half heartedly) of putting DD’s DF in a taxi and sending her home, mostly because his little girls looks like she has had the wind kicked out her sails and despite feeling let down has put on a brave face and carried on making her friend feel at home and make the most of her night.

I’m not particularly annoyed at her DF, think kids will be kids and there are always going to be better options that come along in life

However AIBU to think that if my child had committed to do something with a friend which had been organised and both parties were looking forward to it that there’d be absolutely no chance, as a parent, I’d allow them to change their plans at the last minute and let their friend down.

Maybe I’m sounding a little precious and I promise DD is no snowflake, I just think it’s rotten that she has been made to feel second best and just a back up until something better came along.

OP posts:
Abra1de · 19/04/2019 10:33

Or you're planning a walk and she's never been on one

Really!

KaterinaPetrova · 19/04/2019 10:33

Aw that's awful. I'm sorry for your DD. I recently had a go at my DD for doing something similar. She slept over at a friend's house and they were supposed to be going somewhere the following day but I started to get texts from very early the next morning telling us how she did t want to go any more. As it transpires, she was dreading being travel sick (she suffers quite badly) and just wanted to come home. I couldn't really do much about it but I made her apologise profusely to her friend and her mum. I was not happy at all with her for letting her friend down but I could kind of understand why.

This however sounds like the DD simply got a better offer and I as a parent would tell my DD to bloody well suck it up and go.

Original poster
Passmethewineandstraw · 19/04/2019 10:52

Thanks everybody.

DF has now been picked up and though the dad was friendly enough, no further explanation or apology was given.

Had a chat to DD and she she said she did feel quite rubbish about it as she was really looking forward to today but she has a fun night anyway.

Most importantly we had a talk about how we treat friends and being kind and thoughtful of others feelings and I was very honest in expressing what I thought of her friends actions...

DD is quite sensitive but she she is also very forgiving and has in the past excused behaviour from her friends that hasn’t been very nice and I’m quite keen for her to start picking people up if they are treating her like shit!

On that note I haven’t invited anyone else as don’t think it’s fair for her to pick someone as “second best” for the day and she is just going to enjoy the day with her sisters!...

Ahhh girls aren’t they delightful (I have 3 of them!! 🤦🏼‍♀️)

OP posts:
HairycakeLinehan · 19/04/2019 10:57

Your poor DD Flowers
My first thought would have been that the friend had changed her mind though, maybe had been made feel uncomfortable or something. It’s quite the turnaround so I highly doubt it was a case of a better offer plus your DH reaction sounds a bit weird and nasty so perhaps he gives off a vibe you aren’t aware off.

Horrible for your DD though whatever the reason Flowers

Original poster
Passmethewineandstraw · 19/04/2019 11:01

@HairycakeLinehan how so?

He was miffed on my daughters behalf that someone hasn’t treated her very well, he’s also make a big fuss of taking all 4 girls to the shops to pick some treat picnic foods, make them burgers on the BBQ, rented a movie for them to watch and watched and clapped at countless “dance shows” he’s a great dad!!

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/04/2019 11:04

Passmethewine, your poor daughter. If I were that girl's parents I would have said, "No, you've agreed to go out with X. We'll pick you up if you want to come home but when you make arrangements, you don't drop them for 'something better'. How would you feel if that happened to you?". No way would my two be getting to 'cherry-pick' like this. I don't understand parents that condone it either. Family emergencies, yes - better offers from a peer group? No.

How will your daughter manage her friendship with this girl? I think it would be difficult not to be knocked by that, it's really unkind even if it's not intentional.

I do agree with scaryteacher. Boys or girls can be 'bitchy' but it's not incorrect to say that the trait is more common in girls than it is boys. It doesn't mean that ALL girls are like this or ALL boys are like that.

HairycakeLinehan · 19/04/2019 11:04

Didn’t you say he had mentioned putting her in a taxi? That’s mean and nasty in my book.
I get that he was disappointed on your DDs behalf but that kind of angry reaction/vibe can be more apparent than you might think.

64sNewName · 19/04/2019 11:04

He doesn’t sound weird and nasty ffs.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/04/2019 11:07

I think it was SO much better when kids didn't have mobile phones. There was none of this distraction. You wanted to do an activity, you did it. Mobile phones have given a great deal, but I think they've taken away just as much and maybe a bit more.

HairycakeLinehan · 19/04/2019 11:07

Being “absolutely fuming” and threatening to put a child in the back of a taxi and send her home because she changed her mind about something is weird and nasty.

I’m not taking away from him in other aspects OP aim merely offering possible suggestions as to why she changed her mind so quickly.

Yabbers · 19/04/2019 11:07

Not a “girl” thing. Stop saying it is.

Children need to learn their way in the world and adults need to coach them. This girl’s parents should have reminded her that you don’t let friends down. Having said that, at least your DD knows what kind of friend she is, that’s an important lesson too.

I wouldn’t see asking another friend as a problem with “b list” though. The fact DD can bring a friend only came up because the other girl was at your house. It wasn’t that she picked her especially to go.

Original poster
Passmethewineandstraw · 19/04/2019 11:07

@HairycakeLinehan I also said that it was said tongue in cheek and it was said to me, not any of the children, he was perfectly pleasant to her before and after...

OP posts:
Yabbers · 19/04/2019 11:10

Being “absolutely fuming” and threatening to put a child in the back of a taxi and send her home because she changed her mind about something is weird and nasty.

It really isn’t. A child hurts your child, of course your first reaction is to send them home. What if the girl had physically punched his DD, is he expected to just be happy about it?

Or do you think hurting someone emotionally isn’t as bad as hurting them physically?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/04/2019 11:10

I don't think the dad was mean or nasty to want to put FF (fickle fiend) in a taxi. I would have given the option to the parents to pick her up if they preferred.

Pass, your husband sounds like a great dad and your daughter is lucky to have parents that don't bend to social whims but support her in what's right.

HairycakeLinehan · 19/04/2019 11:13

I wouldn’t see it as the friend hurting my DD though, I’d see it as the friend had changed her mind and possibly used an “out”

A friend of mine used to really want to sleep over but would get anxiety at bed time and come up with excuses that she had to leave. I’d never be “fuming” even as a child because I could recognize that she wasn’t comfortable, she had tried but wanted (for whatever reason) to go home.

TheGodmother · 19/04/2019 12:23

@Yabbers will all due respect May I ask how many sons and how many daughters have you brought up to adulthood?

And you will see I said "some" girls.

Boulezvous · 19/04/2019 12:38

Yes the parents are rude and shouldn't turn over one plan in favour if a better offer.

But personally I think the play date you planned was quite long - an afternoon and evening, sleepover and another whole day. I would've thought the sleepover would be enough. Kids can get tired of each other after a long time together (adults can too!) so maybe don't be so ambitious next time? The girls might be very tired after a sleepover and then having a day out as well might have been a bit much. The parents might have worried their daughter would be exhausted by the end of it or maybe she texted them and told them she didn't want to go - had had enough? Kids that age can have a change of heart.

So I am sorry for your DD but don't take it too personally. Don't be mean about it. You never know your DD might want to back out sometime as well and you will have to get her. Quite a few kids change their minds about sleeping over!

Smotheroffive · 19/04/2019 12:54

As you are trying to throw yourself into the sleepover thing, I would be inviting a few girls for a slumber party, all to go home in the morning.

It was a full-on invite, and something I'd only expect to work with girls that had been close friends a while and already a lot in each others' lives.

Smotheroffive · 19/04/2019 12:56

I do t see why there would be sneakin around though,rather than just saying that ff would need to be home on the following day.

If they've made this up as an out they've made a very poor job of it,as I imagine your DD will get to hear of everyone's activities when catching up generally, and will find out if there's been lying.

I think you'd have to be pretty stupid to make up such a poor lie.

PlasmaRain · 19/04/2019 13:01

MitziTheTabbyIsMyOverlord
^It's 2 am in the UK. I don't mean this in any way to be insulting to anyone reading or commenting on this thread.
But at 2 am in the UK people who are up and commenting are likely to be:
In another time zone.
Breast feeding/changing a baby (so possibly with LESS experience of an 11 yr old).
Not parents
A drunk lush like me.

Anyone is welcome here - MNHQ are very clear about that. And we've all got our own reasons for finding MN. But (personally) I go back to that little logo in the top LH screen all the time.^

Wtf? You didn’t mean to be insulting but, oh dear, somehow your patronizing, judgmental, troll-hunting, drunk fingers went right ahead anyway and typed all this insulting stuff throwing shade on other posters because they post at 2am? Or is it more that they expressed opinions that differed to yours?

Maybe instead of going to the little logo (?) on the LH screen all the time you should use the little ‘X’ in the top RH corner of the screen if you’ can’t resist the temptation, when under the influence, to not mean to be insulting but so spectacularly fail.

Yabbers · 19/04/2019 13:08

@TheGodmother
I CBA trawling back, but if you said "some" then I clearly wasn't referring to you but to the other posts which have referred to this as a girl thing.

The number of children I've raised or not is irrelevant to whether gender stereotypes are still a problem in 2019, undoubtedly due to attitudes that hark back to when today's adults were being raised. Thankfully my mother who raised 4 girls to adulthood held no truck with the attitude that boys were tough and girls were bitches.

scaryteacher · 19/04/2019 13:09

Rystall You may think it's a lazy stereotype - as a secondary school form tutor - I can assure you that it isn't.

Yes, boys can be mean, but not in the pointed malicious way ime that girls can be. Having been bullied by women and not men to the point of depression, prozac, my GP putting bullying on my sick note and a long time off work; I can only speak to my experience. I remember the mean girls vividly from school 40 years on, as opposed to any of the boys.

There is a reason for stereotypes you know....

Smotheroffive · 19/04/2019 13:34

The only one in your judgey list who shouldn't be commenting is probably you!

All the others have valid opinions. One doesnt have to be a parent/DM to offer common sense advice, or support, or be from only the UK, etc.

Yes, very weird post. Mitzi

Most even when having taken on board some alchohol, even quite a lot, can still manage better than that offering too

Cherrysoup · 19/04/2019 13:46

I would have asked her parents to pick her up that evening. I think her parents have acted very poorly.

birdsdestiny · 19/04/2019 13:56

Do you accept stereotypes of all groups then scared or is it just females.