Mum keeps saying I won't be able to cope

[mcjx]

Being induced next week and whenever I say that I'm excited and I can't wait for him to be here, my mum always responds with things such as "you won't be saying that next week" and "I don't know how you're going to cope".

Obviously I know that labour is going to be painful and I'm not going into it being naive thinking it won't be. Our body's were created to do this and millions of babies have been born since the beginning of time and we have managed!

She's really putting me off and is being quite annoying about it - she hasn't even experienced a vaginal birth anyway as had 2 ELCS.

WIBU to tell her to stop with the comments and start being more supportive instead?

DS is coming out one way or another - whichever way it is I don't care as the last 9 months of pregnancy have been hell to be quite honest!

So this is another thing you've discovered about pregnancy, birth and breast feeding OP - no matter what you say or how carefully you try to say it, someone somewhere will always get offended

My mum used to make a ton of unhelpful negative judgy comments. She specialises in "I told you so" type bullshit. I told her in no uncertain terms that she had had her turn being mum to a baby, now it was my turn, and if she didn't have anything nice to say she could bloody well shut her trap. It did work after a few repeats. Good luck!

This sounds like the kind of stuff my mum would come out with. At the end of the day women do it every day and a lot of people aren't only children. She's being thoughtless and annoying. Plus she's never given birth vaginally so how can she know?

You'll be fine op. Good luck with your labor and congratulations in advance!

What a twat, I'd not be talking to her till she stops. It's fine to say it as a joke and laugh it off, ONCE, but after that & in a malicious fashion, it's rude to you.

Just ring her up the day after the baby's come & say 'oh yeah, baby is here, piece of cake'

OP becoming a mother changes the dynamic you have with your own mother. It might be 30 years on, but mothers can be sensitive and defensive about their own choices and experiences. If a daughter chooses differently then it can make it look like you think your mother chose the wrong thing.

I think you're right to plan/intend a vaginal birth and breastfeeding, but be careful about making it's as easy as choosing one way or another, nature sometimes just doesn't ply ball.

When pregnant/with a firstborn all you want is for your mum to say, 'you're doing a great job, well done, it's hard' but often they chip in with other comments and it doesn't exactly boost your confidence. This is unlikely to get better when the baby is born, unfortunately. There will be many tips on feeding, sleep, changing, every bloody thing - get used to deciding for yourself and having the courage of your convictions. Get used to finding the positive/constructive bits your mum has to offer and letting the negative bits roll off.

I think your mother is being very unhelpful by making these comments, it's worth thinking a bit about where they might be coming from but ultimately you should be able to say 'that's not helpful, don't say that' and if needs be reduce contact with her a bit during this difficult time. You need positivity around you right now.

Best of luck

@nighttimebrowser good plan!

Thanks for your advice, @HoustonBess ❤️

My mum was the opposite, she was more in favour of a vaginal delivery than an elcs when I was pregnant with my DTs (she’s never had one before) and started telling me horror stories and all the possible awful complications. I ended up telling her that they’ll come out of me however it happens, but if I don’t go in to labour beforehand I’ll take the section thanks!

I never went into labour, ended up with pe and had a lovely section. She’s since said after hearing me rave about mine, she wishes she’d had one for her last baby which was a difficult birth.

However your baby comes out, you’ll still have given birth, and I hope it goes exactly as you want it to. Good luck!

What Bridgetreilly said! People have babies every day of the year. Some people don't realise they're saying such negative stuff (the person who comes up to you in the supermarket that says wait til they're teenagers, or wait until they're gone) Best of luck OP

Wow, reading these posts makes me think that what we did was best, came back to the UK told them the news then went back abroad, next time we saw them she was 5 weeks old! Anything in the way of 'advice' or questions were just ignored.
Why are some women so nasty to each other about competitive pregnancy? My experience was far worse than yours so mine was more real! In two pregnancies I had no morning sickness and felt great, I was able to bound around doing things and some women were really nasty! They'd convinced their husbands that they were delicate and needed cherishing, I was letting them down! Before I'm attacked I never said anything about no morning sickness etc., thought it was a truly boring subject, I was just seen not to be putting my feet up!

My mother was exactly the same....everything that came out of her mouth was bloody negative. No one can predict how its going to be for you. Listen to your instincts ! Just because she's your mother....it doesn't mean she's right (believe it or not)...and for goodness sake please don't repeat history...otherwise it'll be your daughter posting the exact same thing in the future!!!

Your mum is projecting-because she didn't have VB she has convinced herself you "won't be able to cope"
She sounds quite emotionally immature. I wouldn't rely on her to have my back if I were you.

I know how you feel. My mum said to me "when it gets to the point you think you will die you usually give birth not long after". I was really positive. Wasn't scared at all. Said to her if it was that bad people wouldn't do it more than once.

It wasn't anywhere near as bad as she made out and I coped fine. Ignore your mum. Stay positive and relaxed. It's the most exciting time of your life having a baby.

Clearly, the time to set VERY hard boundaries with your mother is now. Don't allow her toxic, negative bullshit to impact your life. If she refuses to stop being horrible, cut her out of your life. Nobody needs that shit.

Just a piece of encouragement - I faint having my bloods taken so I had loads comments like this - actually managed childbirth ok & have had 3 vaginal births just with gas and air. I think my family were all taken aback ! I realise things can go wrong and I’m really fortunate not to have needed a section or any intervention but no one can tell you how you’re going to cope - I don’t think even you can really know. Good luck with the birth - hope everything goes smoothly for you and your impending arrival x

@Whereisthegin1978 I'm like that! Bloody hate needles and squirm when having blood taken although I've never passed out from it. Saying that I have had a tattoo on my foot and that bloody hurt but I managed still hate needles though!

Thanks for your well wishes. X

In my experience C-sections are easy compared to VBs. Inductions are the worst. I’ve had one of each. Normal, c-section, induction with syntocin drip and all sorts of interventions that ended up a c-section at the end. Induction is hell but take the drugs OP and you’ll be fine . Your mum is being a bitch. Of course you’ll cope!!

Don't worry about all the posters getting offended about the breastfeeding and vaginal birth comments. You can't talk about anything like this on mumsnet without people twisting it and getting offended.

Anyway, your DM's comments are all about her, not you. She doesn't know what a vaginal birth feels like but she's heard from enough people that it hurts, and she probably secretly worries (like many women) that she wouldn't have coped, and she's projecting that onto you. Of course she would have coped, but she probably just doesn't feel that confident. Don't let her own insecurities bring you down.

Good luck with everything! Soon you'll be cuddling your little baby, very excited for you

That's incredibly unsupportive of your mum. It will be okay. Trust yourself and try not to let her negativity get you down.

The thing is, it's not just the negativity of the comments that is irritating, it's also just the fact of her trying to frame it as something you cope with or don't cope with - she's setting you up to feel like a failure if you end up with anything other than an instrument-free vaginal delivery. Don't fall for it. And you know afterwards, whatever happened, you don't actually need to tell her. It's none of her business.

Please don't have your mother in with for the birth ...... That seems to be a thing nowadays. Call her when baby is arrived and if she asks why you didn't let her know it was on his way, tell her I didn't need all that 'you won't be able to cope negativity' and I still don't.

Epidurals- marvellous things!

Yanbu or judgemental op. I can see the point you were making. Just ask your mum not to make negative comments or use the good old "if you can say anything nice don't say anything at all" line

You'll be fine, good luck. And good luck with the breastfeeding! The percentage of women that "cant" breastfeed is tiny, I'm sure there'll be no problems for you there either

pain, what pain?
the pain is forgotten as soon as lo arrives imo.
it is hard work, labour, but worth it. best of luck