To be scared of being a mil

[Firsttimer16]

I have two gorgeous sons and am most likely done with kids now. However recently I've started to really worry about the fact I will only ever be a MIL to a girl and never a mother. This almost all stems from reading countless threads on here about MIL interfering and trying to be too involved in their GC lives and how they should always wait for the DIL to grant them access etc.

I'll freely admit that I don't have an amazing relationship with my MIL and after the birth of my children I wanted my mum around straight away and not my MIL, and I do end up seeing my parents so much more because it's easier for me and I'm the one organising the kids usually! I originally thought this was more a personality thing - my dm is very helpful and would crack on sorting herself out, helping around the house etc where as mil needs hosting so always feels like more of an imposition.

However the more I read on mn the more I worry that it's just a mil thing that even I am guilty of. People seem to be SO harsh about what the mil can expect from her ds and dil - do none of these people have sons of their own?!

Is it a mn thing or does this really reflect how most people feel about their mil? Does anyone have an amazing relationship with their mil or dil? I don't want to spent my life yearning for a Dd and the relationships and grandparent life which come with it.

Well, your attitude towards your own MIL should give you a clue.

People are always more likely to warm to their blood family. This is predominantly a site used by women, so the DIL/SIL attitudes reflect that.

Well the fact that you are already anxious about it and and concerned about doing a good job, would suggest that you are going to be a great mil op!

I agree with you though, mothers and mother-in-law, fathers-in-law, all tend to get judged very harshly on here. Some posters may have very good reason and like you, my relationship with my mil wasn't the best. But I can't help wondering if they have set themselves very high standards for when they take on those roles.
Will they judge themselves by the same high standards they judge their own mother-in-laws?

Having said all of that, you often read about great daughter-in-law - mother-in-law relationships too! You just tend to hear more about the bad ones because they are problematic!

However, if you are anticipating the same intensity of relationship with your futire daughter-in-laws that exists between many mothers and daughters, then I think you may be disappointed!

It's a bit of an unusual thing to be worried about at 5am tbh. Do you have any nieces or god-daughters you could develop relationships with instead?

I've been married twice. I had two MILs. The first was overbearing, over-involved, babied her son, he could do no wrong, wanted everything her way. The second was an utter joy and I loved her dearly. She was also a bit over-involved but treated her son as an adult and me as a loved friend.

I remember after DD was born everybody brought flowers and clothes and stuff, but she brought my favorite drinks (a case of). She was a good egg.

You'll be fine!

When I was young, there were always lots of jokes by comedians such as Les Dawson about mothers-in-law, but it was about men and their mothers-in-law. It's only really since joining Mumsnet that I have been aware of the issue around women and their MILs.

I hardly know anyone in real life with the sort of problems I read about here. I have a mother-in-law. We have got on very well for 30 years. She also gets on very well with my husband's ex-wife, 40 years after their marriage ended.

The only example I'm aware of was with my step mother who married my father in their 60s. She had grown up sons and my father had grown up daughters. My sisters and I all got on well with our step mother but she had problems with all her daughters in law. We thought it very odd and as far as I could see from the outside, the ' fault' was mainly on their side.

Whatever the true position, I am glad I have daughters and not sons!

I have a really good and happy relationship with my MIL. I really love her, and I am happy and confident that she loves me too.

I am very aware that she doesn’t have a daughter and because of that I’ve always tried to include her in anything that’s stereotypically a mother / daughter thing. When I got married for example, she came to all of the appointments etc that my own mum came to. We don’t have a baby yet, but when we do I will be very clear that the baby will be as much her grandchild as my mum’s.

Our good relationship is absolutely down to her - she’s so kind and generous, but never interfering or overbearing. She respects our choices and our space but helps whenever she can. I see the MIL horror stories on here and count my lucky stars it’s not something I ever have to worry about!

I don’t think there’s any way to guarantee a good relationship with your future DILs (or SILs!) but if you’re welcoming and kind, and consciously respect their decisions even if you don’t agree with them, and respect their time and space, there is no reason why you can’t have a strong bond with them.

I married in my early forties and had seen plenty of 'fractious' in law relationships. I didn't want this - how hard could it be, I make friends easily, I am still in touch with a couple of friends from school/teenage years and have friends of all ages. I was determined to have an easy respectful relatuonship with my future MIL. We knew it was serious and my future DH was going home to his EU country for Christmas, I made a hamper of 'British' things - mince pies, Christmas cake, Christmas pudding type of thing. It was intended as a nice gesture but caused great offense, how dare I assume their things aren't good enough and so it began .... That was 15 years ago, last week was her birthday, I bought her some cushions and a expresso cups. She took one of the cups out of the box said 'its a bit small but the cushions I can use'. I had made a cake for her (I have sold cakes). She pushed it across the table and said 'I have a cake' a frozen supermarket cake - that was still frozen inside and inedible but she refused not to cut the cake I had made - not even for the kids.

My SIL told me she has NEVER like or got on with any of DH's girlfriends. To my MIL I am the enemy. DH does no wrong I have lured him away. I am the reason her precious son doesn't see her or call get enough. If she only knew - the times, I say 'have you called your mum?'

My bother is getting married for the first time at 53 to a lovely woman with grown up children. My mum and her new SIL have such a sweet relationship, it is a pleasure to see. Future SIL texts me updates on mums health and I send what's app photos of the kids for her to show mum. I am so happy my mum has my SIL in her life as she lives near and living abroad I only get to see mum a few times a year. The difference is my mum is happy that my brother is happy and DIL is not a threat but an asset.

In think the fact that you are aware there could be issues on both sides and not just assuming 'it's it's your lazy, spoilt DIL who only wants her family and is pushing you out' is a good starting point OP.

I don't see it like PPs do exactly - I think it has less to do with the lack of blood relation and more to do with the fact that if someone is awful then they will.be a particularly awful MIL to their DIL. It's to do with the power dynamics. Awful people, abusive, whatever - when they are young they have partners, children and colleagues to bully. But as you get older you lose influence in most of those areas (lots of people on here talk about their MIL's behaviour going off a cliff when she retired or was widowed). The MIL/DIL and the grandparent/grandchild relationships offer fertile ground to bully and manipulate again. You have a DIL experiencing an upheaval in her life, feeling unsure of herself, adapting to a new unfamiliar role, and you have a small child who is impressionable and who your son will want to encourage a relationship with, at least in principle. You may have resources like time or money or housing that the parents don't have which can be used as leverage as well. So in all, lots of opportunities for making shite, at a time in life where other sources of fun have receded.

But look, this has got nothing to do with normal people. For every one DIL on here complaining about an overbearing MIL there's a hundred lurkers who get on OK with their MILs. You just need to be slightly sensitive about it. Don't go and visit the lassie in hospital while she's still catheterised and bleeding (unless she asks you), just try and be supportive of her as a mum - don't try and impose your child-rearing ideas, let that be her job, just try and be a bit helpful within the boundaries of what you're prepared to do and what she wants in terms of help. People on here act as if that means treating your DIL like some kind of fickle, unpredictable princess but it's really very little more than basic politeness and the thing is the majority of MILs and DILs negotiate all of this absolutely fine. I think if you go in expecting it to be difficult, waiting to be offended by her rebuffs then the relationship will deteriorate pretty quickly. It doesn't have to be like that - most people are very keen for their kids to have a good relationship with their grandparents, and will try quite hard to facilitate that.

It varies. You may have a Dil who does not get on with her parents etc etc.

Yes some of the mil threads on here are ridiculous and people jump on them. Reading them make me glad I have a daughter.

I adore my MIL. It's my FIL i have issues with. Sadly they very much come as a pair which means it's impossible to develop our relationship any further.

My DH is the eldest of 3 boys. MIL did, and still does to an extent, rule them with a rod of iron, to be fair FIL worked all the hours god sent to support them, so she needed too.

They are all lovely lads. My MIL is lovely. We were the last of her sons to marry. I asked her would she like to come dress shopping with me, I was conscious she would never have that with three boys. She bit my hand off, I took her for coffee afterwards and she told me how all the ladies in the choir who had boys were jealous that she had got the chance to come. That one small gesture from me clearly meant the earth to her. She also helped me pick the flowers as my own Mum was too poorly to come that day.

I lost my own Mum between the dress picking and our wedding. My mum suggested I asked MIL too. MIL is like a second Mum to me, she's fierce, but she's loyal, and she's brought those boys up to be the same, and ultimately respectful of women, functioning members of society with a clear view of right and wrong. Do the same with your boys and you won't go far wrong.

My MIL is lovely. She annoys me sometimes in a way that my own mum does too, but not overly.

I think it's more to do with boundaries and respect on both sides.

I try very hard to treat my mum and mil the same. My mum is the one who is over bearing and wants to be over involved. She also makes lots of comments about how "she'll be closer to my kids as daughters spend so much more time with their mothers". She really tries to force the sterotype (is that spelt right? Looks wrong). My Mil is lovely, shes the hardest working woman I know and because of that she doesn't get to see my kids as much (my mum doesn't work) but she's supportive and kind and while I don't always think she "gets me" she'll always appreciate me. My husband is a "baby", he needs looking after and I think she was glad to find someone to look after him. I make sure I take the kids to see her, fortnightly if not weekly. Try not to worry about something you can't really control, op you sound lovely

I have an awesome MIL and my mum (who has both daughters and sons) has, as far as I can tell from how my brothers' partners get on with her, a good MIL.

A few pointers spring to mind:

-welcome her, but don't be overbearing and "gushy"
-invite her to do things, but respect her "no" if that's what she says
-don't expect to be involved in wedding planning, but say you're happy to help if she would like
-if/when she becomes pregnant, the only appropriate response is "Congratulations! Is it okay if I ask when you're due?"
-indicate that you would like to buy a baby gift and ask what they would like or need (same goes for a wedding gift)
-respect her rules
-indicate that they should let you know when they are ready to have visitors with a new baby and that you'll wait until they are ready
-ask if you can bring anything when you visit
-if you know they're expecting and due soon, don't constantly ask if she's had the baby yet
-ask what she would be comfortable to call you and what she would like their children to call you
-ask before you hold her baby and give baby back when requested
-don't give unsolicited advice
-don't criticize her parenting
-DO NOT get involved in her and your son's relationship

In short, make it evident that you're going to be about mutual respect. You're not going to make her into the "daughter you never had", nor is it okay to treat her children as your "do-over babies". Treat her as an adult and make it clear that if she makes your son happy, that's enough for you. I suspect you'll have quite a good relationship if she feels you treat her with respect.

I get on ok with MIL and I think it's because she doesn't believe in wifework either and will contact DH directly to make plans and basically not expect me to manage their relationship like an unpaid social secretary.

A lot of these MILs who complain about their wicked DILs and how the other grandparents see the children more often really have a problem with their sons who can't be bothered to communicate with them.

If you're generally a good, reasonable person you're not exactly going to morph into a nightmare MIL.

Most of these women have undiagnosed personality disorders, judging from my own experiences and all the threads here. The dil just becomes a convenient scapegoat for the MIL's lifelong unresolved issues.

So take good care of your own mental health, make your own life as meaningful and rewarding as you can and treat your sons as grownups once they're grown. You'll be fine.

My dad's mum was the most wonderfully warm and welcoming mil to my mum (and to her other dils). She was also just one of the most kind and non-judgemental people I ever knew. When I'm a mil I'm aiming to be like her.

Agree with the pp. If the son has a healthy relationship with his mother then you are likely to have a healthy dil/mil relationship as boundaries are clear from the outset and mil accepts her child is a functioning individual. For what it's worth I adore my mil. We have got to know each other slowly but surely over the years and she is one of my best friends we even go on trips together. But she has never imposed and never demanded. Admittedly my mother died when I was little so I have no idea if my relationship would be different if my own my mother was still around, I think very similar as my mil is a good human being regardless.

I’m a MIL, and love my DIL dearly.

I see so many bad in law relationships that I was determined to be a good MIL. Of course it takes two to tango but from the MIL perspective it’s about respecting and making a good relationship with the DIL, even if she isn’t your cup of tea...and about realising that DIL is number 1 in your son’s life. That’s hard, but it’s the way forward. No point in a power struggle.

My DIL adores animals and has 6 cats. I had a phobia of cats from childhood. So when they got engaged I went and got some hypnotherapy to overcome my phobia...otherwise how could I ever have gone to their house? DIL saw what a big step this was for me and we’ve grown closer and closer. Of course my relationship with her is different to that with her mum (whom I now count as a good friend) and yes, I’m sad that I didn’t have a D of my own, but who’s to say how my own D would have turned out?

It’s not a magic formula: the DIL has to be willing to befriend MIL too, but I believe the impetus can come from MIL. It’s fantastuc that you are thinking about this stuff

What stick out from your post is this. My dm is very helpful and would crack on sorting herself out, helping around the house etc where as mil needs hosting so always feels like more of an imposition. Out of interest if MIL rocked up and started making drinks and doing a spot of washing up, how would you feel? Not a trick question, just trying to get you to gauge whether you mean what you think you mean. I have always said the same about my in laws - they always need hosting but actually do I want them going through the cupboards? Some yes maybe others maybe not.

I think there are two things you can do here. Firstly, raise your boys well to be respectful of their partners and how to be a "good husband". Secondly, make sure you remember all of the things that you struggle with about your MIL as well as the things you've read on here. Make a list if you need to. You can be the MIL you want to be. I firmly believe that a lot of what you read on MN is because MIL has become overbearing somewhere down the line. Be supportive but don't offer unsolicited advice. Find a balance and think of your DIL or SIL as am equal to your son's and your grandchildren, not an afterthought.

My mil is lovely and is great with my children.
She’s a bit socially awkward but if I asked her for help I know she’d be here in a shot. She lives an hour away.
I see my own parents more because they’re closer but I prefer my mil looking after my children than my mother. My mother does what she wants and thinks she knows best. My mother in law is more cautious and respectful. Her view is to go with what the official advice says, whereas my mother is more that’s not what they did in my day and you turned out fine 🙄

I wish she lived closer and I know she wishes the same.

My son has a gf who he's been with for 2 yrs. He still lives at home so she's not my DIL as such but she spends a lot of time here.

I was completely shocked the other day to discover, through a relative of hers, that she hasn't got a good word to say about me. This is a girl who we have welcomed into our family, taken on expensive holidays, bought a new phone for when her old one broke, given endless lifts to when she needed them, had her last two birthday parties at our house because she wasn't allowed to have one at her own. The list goes on and on. I was utterly baffled when I found out she basically can't stand me.

I was looking forward to being a MIL - I'm not an interfering person, I leave them to get on with their own lives but am supportive and I try to be kind.

On the other hand, my other son's now ex gf - who I treated similarly - had only good things to say about me. She would come over just to see me even if my son wasn't here. We got on well and I know she thought a lot of me.

I guess a lot depends on the nature of the partner and the frustrating thing for me was discovering that it seems it's almost irrelevant what I do or don't do - some of my sons' partners will see me as the enemy and some will see me as their friend.

My first MIL was a gem. Absolutely loved her. The only thing I missed from my first marriage was her. We kept in touch by letter after the divorce.
Second MIL omg such a shock. Utterly unhinged, saying the vilest things to me whenever we were alone. Her jealousy was crazy. Particularly in the light of her son visiting frequently which I never got in the way of, in fact I encouraged it!
Fast forward, I became a MIL. Used my own first MIL's example. Made sure I was friendly and supportive but never offered advice, never interfered, we became good friends.
DIL and son unfortunately split but DIL and I still txt most days, she keeps me in contact with my GC and I actually just opened the door to birthday flowers from her.
So the moral of my rambling is if you treat your DIL the way you'd like to be treated, IME experience it works well. You can't expect to feel the primitive mother-daughter bond but you can still have a really great relationship. You both have to want it though.

I try hard to treat my DM and DMIL the same... although I have always been very close to my mum. I love my MIl, although she drives me mad at times...but so does my mum.

The biggest issue is that my MIL is actually the same age my maternal grandparents would be and so there's also an extra generation between us to deal with.

I haven't seen MIL in a few weeks (nasty colds and chest infections galore) and really hoping to see her later on.

I got on better with my MIL than I do with my own mum, but she sadly passed away before we had DC, she was an amazing support to me and never intrusive or demanding like MILs you read about on here. Remember people tend t post problems on online forums like this, if you get along with unless there is no need to post about it so it's confirmation bias.

I really adore my MIL (and FIL). They are lovely people. I do find them a bit irritating sometimes but I guess that's likely to happen with a 30 year age gap and completely different outlooks on life. I get on well with SIL too.

My mum is bloody hard work and exhausting.

I think the general gist of being a nice MIL is do not be controlling.

My MIL is like that, controlling, overbearing etc (my dh moved to the other end of the country to get away from her - that's how bad it got). She guilt tripped us into having a church wedding (regret that majorly). I know this sounds awful but we never visited her, she came down every year or so.

That said I still tolerated her even after my DH died - admittedly contact is pretty sparse these days as DD is an adult.

But at least she made the effort with DD, cant say the same thing about my own mother.