To be scared of being a mil

[Firsttimer16]

I have two gorgeous sons and am most likely done with kids now. However recently I've started to really worry about the fact I will only ever be a MIL to a girl and never a mother. This almost all stems from reading countless threads on here about MIL interfering and trying to be too involved in their GC lives and how they should always wait for the DIL to grant them access etc.

I'll freely admit that I don't have an amazing relationship with my MIL and after the birth of my children I wanted my mum around straight away and not my MIL, and I do end up seeing my parents so much more because it's easier for me and I'm the one organising the kids usually! I originally thought this was more a personality thing - my dm is very helpful and would crack on sorting herself out, helping around the house etc where as mil needs hosting so always feels like more of an imposition.

However the more I read on mn the more I worry that it's just a mil thing that even I am guilty of. People seem to be SO harsh about what the mil can expect from her ds and dil - do none of these people have sons of their own?!

Is it a mn thing or does this really reflect how most people feel about their mil? Does anyone have an amazing relationship with their mil or dil? I don't want to spent my life yearning for a Dd and the relationships and grandparent life which come with it.

This is all really interesting - and I think so true that you read about the extreme cases on here and everyone jumps on board with their own tales. I just had a panic after reading yet another thread where not one person had anything good to say about their mil!
And as some people have said it completely depends who these women are who become my future dil as it takes two to tango and you just have to respect whoever they are.

As pp said I think the most important thing is to bring up mature respectful sons who will treat their wife and me with respect in the future (and resist the urge to try for another baby and hope it's a girl....!)

I adore my MIL. She was a complete bonus when I married my late husband. She's been accepting, loving and sensitive throughout the forty years I've known her, and also the most wonderful grandma.

She doesn't know me now, as her Alzheimer's has progressed too far, but I still love being with her. I sit and hold her hand and chat or sing to her, and somehow her essence is still there. I'll be devastated when she dies.

My mil can drive me nuts sometimes but I still truly love and respect her.

My own mother (who i also love and respect) also drives me nuts sometimes. We are close but with being close comes even worse arguments in my experience.

Im not particularly close to my mil, but i do like her, shes just busy with her work and her life, her and my dh are close and chat most days on the phone (he's her baby
She's always happy to see her dgc, but always made it clear she wouldnt be providing childcare, she's never even agreed to babysit for a nightout, but thats her choice.
Im glad i have 3 dd's after reading some of the threads on here, but i think if your self aware and not just thinking of yourself there's no reason why anyone cant be a good mil.

I've had 3 MIL

1st one was horrendous. Very possessive of DH. Treated me like shit. Made demands etc said she didn't need to call or make appointments to see her own son!! She called every day. She criticised
She threatened she cried. Awful. She's known for being difficult. She would always exclude me.

Other 2 were normal respectful people and we get on great.. they don't make demands and are pleasant company

I love my PIL and absolutely rely on MIL for her and support. She is very, very good at being a MIL because she works so hard at it - by that I mean she puts in hours and hours with her GC. She adores them all, is very fair, and never talks about them behind their backs or over-praises one against another.

I get on very well with my DIL. (DS always and absolutely rightly puts her first so I’m sure that if i were putting a foot wrong he’d tell me). I don’t see her very often because she is always so busy, bless her, but it’s great when we do. Things I try to do:

1. Always leave it to her/them to suggest meeting
2. Never drop in unannounced
3. Where appropriate I try to be a woman first nd a mother second eg by gently pointing out to DS that he could/should be doing something rather than leaving it to her eg ironing his very complicated work kit
4. Treating them the same in terms of presents. They’re not that well off so we give them money for main birthday and Christmas presents and make sure that it’s the same amount for each.

PS for what it’s worth and if it makes a difference they don’t have and won’t be having children so there isn’t that in the mix

My MIL is a really lovely (over the top) lady who we see atleast weekly and at my suggestion. She’s actually the person who accompanied me to emergency hospital appointments (my husband / mum at work) during pregnancy and will be the person I take in future too.

She doesn’t offer me much help compared to my SIL (her daughter) which my own mum would, but if I ask she will help. I do sometimes wish she’d come round and offer to help. But a few years ago I’d have probably thought she was judging .... especially given some of the posts on here.

Hopefully when the time comes you get some reasonable nice DIL’s

By its very nature the mum/daughter in law dynamic has the tendency to be tricky but I think it's down to personality. My teenage son has had a gf for 2 years and she calls me "mummy watery". We get on fabulously. Fast forward some years though and I don't really want an invite to wedding dress shop with her purely because it's not me. I'd be polite and go if asked but I'd be hoping not to be asked. I'm not particularly conventional and have never been maternal so anticipate I'd be a supportive grandparent but not overly involved.

We have a dreadful, now pretty much non-existent, relationship with my MIL. I also worried about being a MIL myself in the future as I've seen so many threads about it going wrong.

To be a successful MIL, I suggest:

• if you want to be very involved, then this needs to be the case before marriage and children. You cant choose all of a sudden you want a large piece of their life.
• work on yourself. My MIL basically didn't understand compromise or not getting her own way. This was pretty evident in the rest of her life.
• after marriage treat your DS and DIL the same. Show that the marriage working is important to you.
• try with your ILs. Show that the relationship working with them is important to you.
• if you want to be very involved, make sure it is actually helping.

saraclara, you sound as lovely as your mother-in-law

Hopefully you get a lovely dil. However as someone who has been found to be a bad dil by the mumsnet jury even I try to make sure mil is treated the same as dm. mil got to spend dds first Christmas with us. I made sure mil was included in wedding planning. She came to my hen party and had jobs to do. She always wants more though. As long as you listen and ask what you can do to help hopefully you'll be fine. And I don't think there are guarantees if you have a dd, she may not get married or have children.
I don't actually dislike my mil despite finding her overbearing. We're very different and have different expectations, like any relationship I guess it takes work and compromise.

Awww @waterygrass ! That's sweet of you. But if you saw my frustration and irritation with my own mum (who's extremely difficult) you'd probably not think highly of me!

my partners parents are like a second mother and father to me

20 years we have been together and ive never had a problem with them or as grandparents(oldest is nearly 15)

Teach your children now that both sides of the family are important and they will hopefully continue that. Show that one side is more important than the other and that’s they will learn.

Develop your own relationship with your mil and you will set an example

My MIL (and FIL) are brilliant. We actually live about 5 mins walk away from them but she's never been overbearing or interfering. She's lovely, gracious, funny and often takes my side against DH in our bantering

Of course I'm not as close to her as my own DM in the same way DH adores my Mum but isn't as close to her as his own. I'd never exclude my MIL from anything, she's as welcome as my own Mum.

I have a difficult relationship with my MIL, but my relationship with my DM isn’t great either. It isn’t to do with blood ties so much as the personalities involved.

My MIL has always tried far too hard to be best friends with me. She only has DILs and wanted to have a mother/daughter relationship with me, like she had with her own MIL. Her intensity was too much for me, especially her being so tactile, which I really didn’t like.

But I know she’s a lovely person and I openly encourage her to have a close relationship with her DGDs.

I am virtually NC with my MIL so unfortunately, I can't give any positive reassurance.
My FIL is a wonderful man and we get on well. Although it will never be as easy / close relationship as I have with my own family.

Maybe given that you have all this insight into how DIL / MIL go wrong you can try and prevent any upset from arising. I.e don't impose, try to organise the wedding, demand money and time, be over bearing, or vulgar. So many things to remember😂

Do you think that your MIL needs hosting as you put it because she is scared to make herself at home.and be accused of overstepping boundaries though?

Oh @sforsh, your post made me well up. What a lovely person you are.

@OKBobble I think that's a very fair question...and one I'm not quite sure I know the answer to!

I think the pp who said that the most important thing is leading by example and showing both sides of the family are equally important is spot on.

I think as someone with only sisters I can't quite comprehend the mother son relationship in very much detail. My dh talks often to his parents but I wouldn't say they're close close - I'd like a much closer relationship with my ds ideally.
Mine ds are still young so to me they're obviously my world and I'm theirs now but at some point I know they won't need me as much so I just got carried away wondering what that relationship would be like and with their own families.

I love my MIL, she's an absolute gem.

And clearly the

I'm a mil and a Dil. I love them both and they both love me back. I've never interfered with their lives, except to show both my son and Dil my patented baby soothing moves. I have only interfered with MiL once,and that was recently,mil has early dementia and my fil mentioned she was showing signs of possible hypo so I made him realise that she needed to check her blood sugar. Before the dementia she would have realised this herself.

@agnurse. Have you provided your MIL with that list of rules? Bloody ridiculous.

Pity any poor MIL who was supposed to adhere to that list.

Asking permission to ask when the baby's due,? Creeping around DIL as if she's some sort of special human being. And you talk about 'her' baby as if the father of the baby is just a bit of an add on.

Clearly in your world there's little or no requirement for DIL to show any respect or good will towards her MIL. Why on earth should it all be so one way?

How about a bit of mutual respect? Friendliness without being overbearing and interfering or hostile? What about aiming for good will on both sides and a willingness to develop a good relationship with each other.

I'm a MIL to one DD's DH and one DD's DP, and my DS is getting married soon to a lovely woman later this year. We have a different relationship from the relationship I have with my DDs and yes, I'd expect her DM to take priority over me when it comes to things like who she wants to be with when she's just had a baby , things like that are just common sense.

The 'rules' don't need to be laid out, it just takes a bit of good will and respect from both sides, just like any relationship.