To be scared of being a mil

[Firsttimer16]

I have two gorgeous sons and am most likely done with kids now. However recently I've started to really worry about the fact I will only ever be a MIL to a girl and never a mother. This almost all stems from reading countless threads on here about MIL interfering and trying to be too involved in their GC lives and how they should always wait for the DIL to grant them access etc.

I'll freely admit that I don't have an amazing relationship with my MIL and after the birth of my children I wanted my mum around straight away and not my MIL, and I do end up seeing my parents so much more because it's easier for me and I'm the one organising the kids usually! I originally thought this was more a personality thing - my dm is very helpful and would crack on sorting herself out, helping around the house etc where as mil needs hosting so always feels like more of an imposition.

However the more I read on mn the more I worry that it's just a mil thing that even I am guilty of. People seem to be SO harsh about what the mil can expect from her ds and dil - do none of these people have sons of their own?!

Is it a mn thing or does this really reflect how most people feel about their mil? Does anyone have an amazing relationship with their mil or dil? I don't want to spent my life yearning for a Dd and the relationships and grandparent life which come with it.

I love my MIL. She is very emotionally intelligent and has supported me and my DH through some difficult times. We're from very different backgrounds so we've both had to be patient but get on really well. She's a fantastic grandmother!

I think my DM understands me better but I think me and my DH are equally close to both sets of parents.

It really depends on the people involved but it sounds like you'd be a great MIL.

Maybe just relax a bit OP. Your sons are tiny - no need to jump ahead so much.
Who knows what their lives will be like - they might not live to the 2.4 children template that you're painting for them.

I absolutely adored my MIL. Yes at times she could be overbearing- think turning up at 7am when we were still in bed to make sure my DP was ready for his flight and she had her opinions but she was like a second mum to me. She was so sweet, caring and as DPs family say the daughter she didn't have.
She passed away last year and it was like losing my own Mum all over again. Don't try and be a Mum just be a Mum and treat your future DIL exactly how you would treat your own - be there for them but respect distance when they need it. There's a difference between interfering and wanting the best for your sons and she definitely got the right balance x

I am kind of indifferent about my MIL (and FIL) now. At first we got on really well and I thought it would be a great relationship. Over the years, particularly once DH and I married and had children, it has become clear that she and FIL will only contact me when they want something. They treat DH completely differently to the way they treat his sister, she is the golden child. DH feels abandoned and resentful and I don't blame him. They aren't interested in our children, only SILs. I have tried to make it a good relationship but they are very selfish and I have reached the point where I just don't want to be around them. After 15 years they still don't seem to consider me a member of their family and if that's what they want, that's fine. I

Don’t let it stress you out you have plenty of time to be a mil and when the time comes I’m sure you’ll be a great one. I’ve never understood horrible mils surely if your son is happy and in love you treat their partner like your own. I’d be terrified of driving my son away if I didn’t. Just be kind and welcoming and leave the relationship to form naturally, some mils just never help themselves by working on problems when they should as if she were their daughter. A close mother son relationship is always a positive start as they tend to consider you when picking a life partner (not always but often ime)

OP was your MIL upset that you saw your own parents “so much more” because it suited you?

My mil is fantastic. I hardly have a relationship with my own dm, I speak to mil daily on the phone and we see her 3 times a week at least (she lives a 5 min drive away) dont get me wrong, we will have a whinge about her, but I'm sure she whinges about me too (we had a bit of a to do as she didn't understand why I'd want to breastfeed ds when bottles are just as good) we differ on opinions but that's ok as we are different people. A pp has it perfect- mutual respect. After having ds and being kept in hospital for 3 days she came round and stripped and washed all our beds and stocked the fridge and bought us a fish and chip supper for arriving home. Initially I thought it was a bit overbearing, now I look back and see she understood how knackered we were and wanted to help! I'll be forever grateful to her!

I’ve been a MIL for a year now to a DIL, so far so good! I think we get on well, she asked me to go with her mum and sister to see her try on wedding dresses, invited me to her hen do, asked me to do her wedding flowers. I felt proud to do these things. I made a point of making friends with her parents, particularly her mum with whom I go for coffee and a chat on a regular basis.

I agree with previous posters, do not be controlling or overbearing, treat them with respect, be a support when they ask for it.

If I were you (and I am actually as I have sons only too), I would raise your son's to be 50:50 fathers and make sure they have a good relationship with you. Then there's not so much pressure on the Dil/mil relationship is there.

I think if you're expecting your Dil to host you and arrange everything with you (as my mil does) then you're going to have problems.

But you sound lovely, I'm sure you'll be fine.

My mother is law is the best woman I have ever met she treats my partner as an adult and has never tried to undermine us parenting my ssd she also took me under her wing and has become my mum (nc with my fam) she’s always there when I need her and is just an amazing lady she’s kind gentle and loving I adore her xxx

MIL1 was a complete horror and l can’t thibk of anything nice to say about her. She’s rude, snobby, poorly mannered, selfish, small minded and stupid etc. MIL2 l like and get on with. She tries to let us get on with it l think. But at times is too keen to give her opinion and state it as right. At the end of the day lm a grown woman with a fair amount of life experience and motivation. I’ve done ok so far

I would say don’t interfere, let them do there own thing and appreciate everyone has different ways of doing things. You way might have been right 20 years but things change and move on. If you have done strong opinions then be mindful they may not share them and find them rude e.g. MIL1 saying why do women have careers and woman who have a job have children are child abusers

My MIL is lovely. Early on in my relationship with DH my MIL said to me "My mother in law was an interfering, over bearing nightmare. She'd huff for a month if you didn't take her unsolicited advice and the atmosphere was awful. I love my son, and my grandson, and I've been very very closely involved in their life since my son was widowed. I'll try not to be a pain in the arse, but please tell me rather than fester. We won't always agree, but we both love DH so I hope we'll muddle through until we find a good ground"

I've never forgotten that, and she was right, we did muddle through (DH was widowed and MIL did a lot of childcare for DS1 so she was involed in everything). I was terrified of the relationship with her as my parents were abusive so my grandparents were my only example.

Now we have a relationship where she gives advice and I either take it or don't. I give her advice and she either takes it or doesn't. Occasionally we have a laugh when I tell her the 70s want their advice back or she tells me that every generation thinks they've reinvented the wheel.

She moved in with us recently. It's not perfect. We occasionally irritate each other, but DH occasionally irritates me and me him so that's not unique. She's just someone who wants the best for her son, same as me with my kids.

Also I can always tell when she's not sure about giving advice because she'll ask "what's the current advice on that? When my two were wee it was x, y and z..." which about 4 years in I realised was her way of saying it without saying it.

I'm a MIL twice, get on really with my SIN and DIL, i often have lunch with my DIL, one sunday a month they all come to me for Sunday lunch, we all have a good time and a laugh, i've never interfered in there lives, they know i'm here if they have any problems.

I haven’t always seen eye to eye with my MiL in the past (been with DH 11 years) but since we had children I have definitely seen her in a different light and become so much more appreciative of her and my FiL. I take the children to see her when DH is at work sometimes, arrange for them to take the children out and even suggest visiting them to my DH at weekends. They are very actively involved in our lives and I’m glad they are as my son, especially loves them and is so excited to spend time with them. I have a daughter and a son and I hope I will be equally involved in their adult lives.

People are always more likely to warm to their blood family

The woman's MIL is her partner's blood family so isn't he allowed to be closer to them than his in-laws? So often he is expected to 'support' his partner, in fact agree with whatever she says, even to the detriment of his own relationship with his blood family.

agnurse

Can one presume that your own mother adheres to those rules?
Maybe MILs should also produce a long list of how to be a good DIL, it should be a two way thing.

I only have a DS ( who unfathomly turned 40 today, how did that happen !)

We have always been fairly close, I divorced his violent father when he was 3 and married DH when he was 18

I had a brilliant relationship with my own mother and always regretted not having a daughter to have the same type if relationship with.

DS married DIL 13 years ago, and I couldn’t have asked for a better DIL.
She is everything I could have asked for and more. A brilliant mother to DGD, who she never minds me spoiling.

I also have a decent relationship with my MIL , although we live in the south of England and she lives in the Highlands, so we don’t see each other much, I do speak to her every week.

Being MIL can be fear.

I have a wonderful mother in law who I get on fantastically with, so don’t presume that the worst case scenario will occur. My husband and his Dad have football season tickets together, so we then take it in turns to have dinner at ours or theirs after most Saturday matches. I sometimes go to the cinema with my mother in law and sister in law, and we’ve been out to concerts together too.
I know that if ever I need any help she’d be there and vice verse. Just yesterday my dog was ill and my car had a flat tyre, so she came over to give me a lift to the vets, then stayed and had tea and a chat until my husband got home so that she could see him too.
I have a theory that every relationship has one dodgy mother in law, but in ours it definitely isn’t my husband’s mum!

my dm is very helpful and would crack on sorting herself out, helping around the house etc where as mil needs hosting so always feels like more of an imposition.

But if your MIL just 'cracked on and sorted herself out' she'd probably be accused of taking over and overstepping boundaries. They can't win.

My MIL is annoying. She likes to explain everything to everyone, she won't stop buying toys and clothes for my son (to keep at her house), she changes him into clothes she has bought when he's at hers and back into ours for him coming home, she baby's him (he's 2), she just laughs when he's naughty and is always, always feeding him (she carries around snacks for him, even when she comes to our house she pulls out a banana for him).
But, she loves him very, very much. She loves my DH and all her children. She loves me. And I love her. She includes me in her family, always has, she was so excited (visibly) when I was pregnant but held back to give me space. She tried very hard.
She will never be my mum, I will always prefer my family, but I love her. I am so very, very conscious that, at least to my son, both sets of GPs are equal. If we haven't seen ILs for a while I'll take DS up or invite them down. I make a huge effort to remember that no matter how much she annoys me, she loves my DH like I love my DS and I would hate for anything to come between their relationship and her relationship with my DS.
I really, really hope my future DIL thinks the same way

My mother does adhere to those rules.

I wouldn't worry ahead of time, OP. All you can do is treat your son's family like individuals and try to fit in.

I'm not looking likely to be a MiL at all. Sigh.

I've only been on MN for a few weeks, but I totally understand where you're coming from, OP. I've found myself being very glad that I have daughters, given the grief that some PILs have to deal with, judging by posts and threads on here.

But I imagine that the nightmare DILs are the ones who are going to post the most. This forum seems to be mostly somewhere to post when things are going wrong. There's not much mileage in posting "Aww, my MIL's been really thoughtful to day and (insert kind gesture) for me/us"

My MIL is wonderful and treats me like a daughter. She and FIL have been like a second set of parents to me and they’re lovely with my children. They also have a daughter and they’re just as lovely with her husband and family. I think we all just expected things would be fine and things were fine!

But I understand the perspective of DILs who post about difficult MILs because I’ve had previous long term relationships in which my boyfriend’s mother was rude and controlling. And I have friends in that position too. I don’t think MILs get a hard time here in general - just the bad ones.

I have three children: one is straight, one is gay and one is bi, so I don’t know how many DILs I might have in the end, but I hope we’ll get on well - and with any SILs too of course. I don’t think it has to be complicated.

agnurse your list is ridiculous. Is this what you expect from your MIL? Poor woman. Why do you feel that DILs are such special human beings that they should be treated like this?

Surely everyone should be being thoughtful, kind, unassuming to make sure the relationship goes well. That includes MILs and DILs.