To be scared of being a mil

[Firsttimer16]

I have two gorgeous sons and am most likely done with kids now. However recently I've started to really worry about the fact I will only ever be a MIL to a girl and never a mother. This almost all stems from reading countless threads on here about MIL interfering and trying to be too involved in their GC lives and how they should always wait for the DIL to grant them access etc.

I'll freely admit that I don't have an amazing relationship with my MIL and after the birth of my children I wanted my mum around straight away and not my MIL, and I do end up seeing my parents so much more because it's easier for me and I'm the one organising the kids usually! I originally thought this was more a personality thing - my dm is very helpful and would crack on sorting herself out, helping around the house etc where as mil needs hosting so always feels like more of an imposition.

However the more I read on mn the more I worry that it's just a mil thing that even I am guilty of. People seem to be SO harsh about what the mil can expect from her ds and dil - do none of these people have sons of their own?!

Is it a mn thing or does this really reflect how most people feel about their mil? Does anyone have an amazing relationship with their mil or dil? I don't want to spent my life yearning for a Dd and the relationships and grandparent life which come with it.

The thing is, OP, of course your DIL isn't going to love you like her mother. Because you aren't. She has a mother.

Why is the worry about your DIL rather than your son not caring about you?

I invite my mum over every week. I like my MIL just fine and I'm happy to host her that often as well, but my husband has to be the one to organise that because she is his mother. He isn't bothered to do so. So there's nothing I can do. I have a busy life and can't take on two mothers (and fathers and set of siblings) while my DH takes on none.

If your son isn't bothered to involve you in his life, that's his decision. It's nothing to do with his wife.

Why is the expectation that the women in a relationship has to keep the relationship with both mothers, while the man is let off the hook totally?

Believe me, I sympathise, because I also only have sons. It's going to be a lonely retirement for me, for sure, just like it is for my MIL.

I do think to some degree though you don’t hear about all the good relationships. I like my MIL. I see less of her than my own mother but she is welcome when she visits and it’s nice to see her. I have never posted about her because there is nothing bad to say. Probably there are lots like me so try not to worry

It really depends. I live near pil and my family are and flight away. Mil house is like my home. I go in I make coffee, kids play. Perhaps if my own parents were nearer we wouldnt be so close. Dont get me wrong we disagree and dont see eye to eye over many things. We dont.livenin each others pockets but we are comfortable. Mil was first person I saw after birth apart from dh

It's pretty sad isn't it, most men don't give a shit about their parents, to the extent that the only way they can be involved in grandchildrens lives is if the DIL takes an unusual liking to them.

Why not the wife takes kids to see maternal grandparents one week, then husband takes kids to see paternal grandparents the next.

Except that never happens as men can't be bothered, and the wife is blamed for not "granting them access". Well guess what, there's no such thing as a residential parent not being granted access to one's own children. Pop them in the car and take them over, most mums would be glad of the break for a few hours. But nope men just can't bothered.