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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to my sister's school walk in?

104 replies

LittleMissMummaBear · 17/04/2019 15:34

I am a 25-year-old parent of two little girls, ages 4 and 3, and am pregnant with twins. My DH is in the army and is currently away from home. So I am living with my two daughters, and my younger sister who is 16 years old. My mum lives with her mum and looks after her on the daily so I took in my little sister as she is a lovely teenager and it wasn't fair to be living with my mum when my mum was already looking after my nan. plus she keeps me company as DH is away!

Anyway, my sister is in her GCSE and her school is doing a walk-in where parents can look at their work. I love my sister and I think she really deserves someone to see her work as she is a brilliant student. This walk-in day is tomorrow.

My mother is telling me I have to go. But I have two young children that need to be looked after plus I'm heavily pregnant with twins?! I was expecting for my mum to go, it's the least she can do as she doesn't even live with her daughter.

But my mum is looking after my nan who is really really sick so I kinda understand where she is coming from! I really want someone to go this bloody walk-in as my sister really deserves it but I just don't know what to do!! I know it would really disappoint her if no one went.

Have no where to leave the kids, could bring them to my mum's but she grumbles so much when I do that as she has to look after three people and she can hardly balance that.

I am at such a loss what to do and avoiding my sister's questions about who's going to her school walk-in so she doesn't know I strongly don't feel like walking around being humiliated by school mums because I'm 25 and have four kids.

Either tell me to suck it up and bear it or help me out by giving advice?? Thank you x

OP posts:
Angelicinnocent · 17/04/2019 15:37

Why being humiliated? You are an adult female, no reason why you should not have children!

More to the point, you are a good person and big sister who is trying to do what is right for her younger sibling. You should be proud of yourself.

Smellyrose · 17/04/2019 15:39

Does your sister have to go to the walk in with you or can she look after your children?

If not then your mum will have to look after them - how long does the walk in last?

anothermansmother · 17/04/2019 15:39

Can you not take your dc to your mums and take care of your man whilst your mother attends. It would be a shame if your sister didn't have anyone to view her work, especially as she's a good teenager and has probably put a lot of time and effort into it.

AnnieMay100 · 17/04/2019 15:43

I think you’re doing a lovely thing and your mum should be respecting you more. It’s her job to parent her child not yours. I understand she’s finding it hard being a carer, but I’m sure she can spare half an hour to look at her own dd work. If you want to go then go, don’t worry about other parents judging you it’s none of their business and I’m sure they’ll be more interested in their child’s work. Be proud of what you’ve achieved not humiliated.

LL83 · 17/04/2019 15:45

Most school mums are normal people. There is the occasional bitch but most people see her for what she is and there is no point worrying about her.

Hearing your story I think you are doing a brilliant job taking in your sister when you have a lot on yourself. Go for your sister.

Most people wont notice/judge the number of kids you have and if any do be proud of yourself and pity them for being so negative. (But I dont think anyone will judge you)

Original poster
LittleMissMummaBear · 17/04/2019 15:47

@Angelicinnocent school mum's are soo judgy, last time I went to a school event, teenage girls were bitching about me to my sister :)
Also thank you for the support, very kind of you x

@Smellyrose yes my sister has to go the walk-in too. Walk-in lasts about one hour-two hours as there are teachers talking too x

@anothermansmother I told this to my mum and she is wary as she thinks I can't handle keeping my kids entertained while at the same time looking after my nan and give her her meds.

I am trying to make my mother see any possible outcome alright because I am determined to make someone go to her walk-in, even if it has to be me. My sister deserves it, full stop.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMissMummaBear · 17/04/2019 15:49

thank you for the support everyone, they have really made me feel slightly better, as dealing with being pregnant and two young kids alone while I miss and worry over my DH being in the army usually has me in a slightly tired mood! x

OP posts:
twosoups1972 · 17/04/2019 15:57

Wow OP, you sound amazing! And what a lovely sister you are. Sorry no advice but hope it works out x

sam221 · 17/04/2019 15:59

Could you maybe go over to your nans, with your children and watch your nan, whilst your mum goes with your sister. From the sounds of it the whole things, sounds less then 3hours-i know its not ideal but at a stretch could be a solution.
Get your mum to write down when your nan needs her medicine and dosages.

Original poster
LittleMissMummaBear · 17/04/2019 16:04

@twosoups1972 thank you for the lovely message, you have definitely made me feel better about the whole thing! x

@sam221 great advice thank you. My mum is still a bit cynical on the whole thing of looking after my nan but I will see her later today when my sister is out and try and talk to her x

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 17/04/2019 16:07

I was expecting for my mum to go, it's the least she can do as she doesn't even live with her daughter.

Why doesn't your sister live with your mother ? as defacto carer/guardian, I guess you should be doing the walk in. Why cant you and your mother go and split the lookign after of the small children between you .

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 17/04/2019 16:08

This is really your mothers job, you have your own family to look after which must be difficult with your dh away.
Either tell your mum she can get someone else in for a couple of hours to mind your nan or you could go up with your two children .
Could your mum take one of your kids too? So you would just have one while with your nan?

Ellenborough · 17/04/2019 16:11

You could take the children to your mum's for an hour or two and visit your grandmother while your mum goes to school with your sister.

I am surprised your mother isn't more enthusiastic about finding a solution to this, rather than just sending you. I feel sorry for your sister, your mother seems to have abdicated all responsibility for her or interest in her because of caring for her own mother.

CarolDanvers · 17/04/2019 16:11

plain. You sound really nosy. There’s enough information been given so you don’t actually need anymore in order to offer advice in support of the OP do you?

WildFlower2019 · 17/04/2019 16:11

Your mum can look after your children for one hour while you go to your sisters school.

Likewise, can't you sit with your Nan and two children for one hour while your mum goes to the school?

Not ideal but both doable for your sister.

Guyliner · 17/04/2019 16:13

I think you should look after nan for a bit with the kids so your mother can go.

ScreamScreamIceCream · 17/04/2019 16:19

First would you prefer to see your sister's work or would you prefer you mum to go? Decide what you want and then tell your mum what is going to happen.

It is her job to look after your teenage sister and as she has handed that responsibility over to you the best she can do is cope for a couple of hours with your children if you decide you want to see your sister's work.

woolduvet · 17/04/2019 16:20

Give your mum options
Mum goes and nan is alone
Mum goes and you look after nan and kids

She deserves your mum there, yes she's caring for her mum. But she has responsibilities.

If all that fails ask you sis if she'd like you to come with the kids (take raisins to bribe tiny children).

Gitfeatures · 17/04/2019 16:20

Either your mum looks after your kids and you home or you stay with Nan while mum goes.

If you're not willing or able to do either then at 16 years old your sister is old enough to understand the reasoning if explained to her.

Original poster
LittleMissMummaBear · 17/04/2019 16:22

I dropped my sister off to see some friends, she deserves after all the studying she's been doing bless her. now I'm really angry because I just rang my mum and she's screamed at me telling me I'm a bad big sister because I'm not making an effort. I really am but my mum isn't giving me much help, she doesn't even want me to look after my nan or her to look after my kids but where does that leave me?
She told me to bring the kids along! They are 4 and 3 and they won't sit still for a couple of hours. it's supposed to be my sister's time, and she wouldn't have my undivided attention.

Should I bring the girls along anyway? I don't really want to get into an argument with my mum but she's not seeing sense

OP posts:
morallowground · 17/04/2019 16:24

Could you manage your nan and children while heavily pregnant or is that going to be too difficult?

Do you have any aunties or older cousins who could sit with your nan for 2 hours - I’m sure you’ve probably already thought of all of this so sorry if it’s a bad suggestion.

Can your mum afford to pay for an emergency Carer for a couple of hours? I’m pretty sure there are websites online where you can book a Carer for a certain amount of time and they’re police checked.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 17/04/2019 16:29

The fact that your Mum just assumed you would go instead of her is a bit worrying actually. It suggests that because your DSis is now living with you she sees you as having taken over the role of parenting her. How often do they actually see each other now that she's living with you? Do they have regular one on one time together? It won't end here, there will be other school events, maybe college open days etc that DSis will want her Mum to attend. In your shoes I would have a talk with my DM, explain that although you realise she has a lot on her plate and you're happy to help, you are already a parent to 4 DC and she needs to maintain some degree of involvement in your Dsis's life!

Amongstthetallgrass · 17/04/2019 16:29

Your mum just doesn’t want to go.

I completely understand why you don’t want to go.

Your not a bad sister, you’ve taken your younger sister on.

Honestly I’m your position I’d refuse to go. You know it’s going to turn out badly. My five and two year olds have driven me bonkers these school holidays and no way would I expect them to sit for that length of time - add on the fact your heavily pregnant ... no way.

If you don’t want to do it - don’t. It’s your mum letting her down not you.

tashac89 · 17/04/2019 16:29

You must have the patience of a saint. If it were me I'd tell my mother you don't get to drop your parenting responsibilities because you're caring for someone else. Lots of people manage both.

PregnantSea · 17/04/2019 16:34

This is simple; either your mother goes to the walk in, or you drop your kids off with her and go yourself. If your mother can't agree to either of these things then she's being selfish and expecting way too much from you.

Perhaps you need to have a think about the relationship you have with your mother. I understand she is caring for her mum but it sounds to me like she's taking advantage of you and expecting too much. She is still a mother and should care about how your sister is doing in school, and she should care about the fact that you have 3 children to look after while you are pregnant. She's not being a good parent right now.

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