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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to my sister's school walk in?

104 replies

LittleMissMummaBear · 17/04/2019 15:34

I am a 25-year-old parent of two little girls, ages 4 and 3, and am pregnant with twins. My DH is in the army and is currently away from home. So I am living with my two daughters, and my younger sister who is 16 years old. My mum lives with her mum and looks after her on the daily so I took in my little sister as she is a lovely teenager and it wasn't fair to be living with my mum when my mum was already looking after my nan. plus she keeps me company as DH is away!

Anyway, my sister is in her GCSE and her school is doing a walk-in where parents can look at their work. I love my sister and I think she really deserves someone to see her work as she is a brilliant student. This walk-in day is tomorrow.

My mother is telling me I have to go. But I have two young children that need to be looked after plus I'm heavily pregnant with twins?! I was expecting for my mum to go, it's the least she can do as she doesn't even live with her daughter.

But my mum is looking after my nan who is really really sick so I kinda understand where she is coming from! I really want someone to go this bloody walk-in as my sister really deserves it but I just don't know what to do!! I know it would really disappoint her if no one went.

Have no where to leave the kids, could bring them to my mum's but she grumbles so much when I do that as she has to look after three people and she can hardly balance that.

I am at such a loss what to do and avoiding my sister's questions about who's going to her school walk-in so she doesn't know I strongly don't feel like walking around being humiliated by school mums because I'm 25 and have four kids.

Either tell me to suck it up and bear it or help me out by giving advice?? Thank you x

OP posts:
TherapistInATabard · 17/04/2019 17:33

Hmm maybe I’m just suspicious but I wonder if your nan doesn’t need that much care and your mum doesn’t want you to swap roles because you’ll realise that. She sounds so selfish. How old is she, out of interest?

UCOforAC12 · 17/04/2019 17:34

Goodness what a conundrum for you. Your mother shouting at you is her protecting her guilt about not wanting to go. It's for parents to go not big sisters so the onus is on her not you.

That said it would be wonderful for your sister for her big sister to be there and she deserves it. Would your kids sit and watch a programme/film on your phone/iPad with headphones? My 3 and 6 year old did that this week when I had an unavoidable appointment in the Easter holidays.

Morgan12 · 17/04/2019 17:43

You mum is being so unreasonable!

Another vote for you being awesome OP. What a lovely sister you are.

I understand why you would think some of the school mums are judging you and some probably are tbh but fuck them. You have nothing to be ashamed of. It sounds like you and DH have a lovely little family.

Good luck with the twins!

Original poster
LittleMissMummaBear · 17/04/2019 17:55

Thank you so much for all the support, honestly it's so lovely.
For those asking, my mum only gives me money to help me support my sister when she needs to do something, so if my sister is going to a concert say my mum will give me £30 in case she wants anything but nothing more. I've never really found this unfair tbh because my mum didn't ever help my father when I was growing up and only took me in when I was 11 and my sister was 2 when he died of cancer.
Is there a way for me to take custody over my sister or for my mum to hand over the custody to me? I'm starting to think my mum isn't fit to be a mum and honestly if I'd had a big sister to take me away from my mother's care at 16 I would have done it gladly.
Is that unfair or do you think my sister still needs her mum?

OP posts:
UCOforAC12 · 17/04/2019 18:00

You could get a special guardianship order for your sister?

woolduvet · 17/04/2019 18:19

Your mum seems like she's checked out of being a mum. I don't think anything you suggest will be acceptable.
I think you'll see quite a few parents and children there. I'm sure you don't have to stay for the whole thing, just sit near an exit.
Maybe all go out for tea after?

LucyFox · 17/04/2019 19:56

Can you get a babysitter for your two children & go for your sister? Are you near your DH base? Military wives usually have a great network to help each other ...

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 17/04/2019 20:01

Lovvie, you will not be the only person there with small ones in tow!

You can get an SGO, but that doesn't come with any additional money, sadly. SS will be involved. Im assuming if this is GCSE year your DS is all but 16 anyway

ChuckleBuckles · 17/04/2019 20:11

My mum died when I was young (primary school age) and no dad on the scene and to be honest OP, I would have given the world to have a caring involved and loving big sister like you.

It seems like you have a really big heart, ignore your mum, you are doing the job she cannot be bothered to do, best to you, your sister DC Flowers

Original poster
LittleMissMummaBear · 17/04/2019 20:29

Wow all these replies are really lovely, thank you. Making me feel much better about looking after my sister.
I am having an even bigger struggle now. My mum said she doesn’t want a carer looking after my nan, she said that they won’t know how to look after her. Ffs, their carers for a reason? I’m really starting to see she doesn’t give a shit about her daughter’s amazing work that she much effort into. Seems like the only option is going with the kids. My four year old had a tantrum today which set of the other one too and my sister said “what if they do this tomorrow?” and she looked really worried...here’s to hoping they are well behaved tomorrow. Any other suggestions I may have not thought of? Grasping at straws to try and make the sister comfortable & happy tomorrow....

OP posts:
Mummy578485 · 17/04/2019 20:33

Can you get emergency childcare/friend/ babysitter in? I know it's not ideal but pop them in front of the TV to keep them quiet as a one-off treat and be back in 1-2h.

Leeds2 · 17/04/2019 20:41

Do either of your girls go to nursery? Just wondering if they could go for an extra morning.
Could you arrange playdates for them, maybe at different locations? Easier for a friend to take one of them rather than two, and even if you only got one placed it would probably make the trip to school easier.
If you have to take both to school, bribe them with cakes/ice cream sundaes or whatever it will take to make sure they behave!

mnahmnah · 17/04/2019 21:01

Hi. I’m a teacher. We regularly have parents evenings etc full of younger siblings coming along. Many are not quiet and do not sit still. But we don’t bat an eyelid! In fact we love to see younger ones after dealing with teenagers all day Smile so please don’t think that the school or teachers will be bothered by you taking your little ones.

MitziK · 17/04/2019 21:03

Usually, little ones are distracted by everything that's going on around them - and you tend to get at least some teenagers who are happy to talk or otherwise entertain those who are restless. We get them at the end of year Art Shows, plays, performances, for example, and there's never been a problem.

We also have quite a few kids who live with relatives rather than their birth parents for various reasons - it's not a 'thing', and there are also several larger families where you have a whole troupe of kids ranging from 2ish down to newborn, all there because it's the 16 year old's special day.

Toys, games on phones, anything that can distract them if they get bored is great - if there's a long, boring speechy bit, it's common to take smaller ones out/towards the back to quieten down, too. Sitting near the exit is a very good idea (especially as it means you'll be nearer the loo for yourself as well).

IHateUncleJamie · 17/04/2019 21:10

Is that unfair or do you think my sister still needs her mum?

Having no Mum is much much better than having a lazy, selfish neglectful one. The main thing is your sister has you; someone who she knows loves her and cares about her welfare. You’re doing an absolutely brilliant job. Flowers

Your Mum is probably still getting child benefit for your sister and if so, that should without a doubt be coming to you, and should have been paid to you as soon as your sister moved in. If your sister stays in school for 6th form or goes to college for a FE qualification, you will get child benefit until she leaves school/college.

It sounds to me like your mum doesn’t want anyone else looking after your Nan because if she has Carers, there’s no reason for your Mum not to actually parent her own children. 🤬

I would definitely look into becoming your sister’s legal guardian and getting her child benefit transferred to you.

Going into school early sounds perfect and there’s no reason why school shouldn’t make a separate appointment for you given your circumstances. Flowers

churchthecat · 17/04/2019 21:25

This is sad, your mum sounds like she's completely checked out of being a parent. She sounds like she doesn't give a shit and is finding any reason not to go.

You're doing a great job OP.

CheshireChat · 17/04/2019 21:37

A splitter for headphones and a tablet or phone? Maybe some new quiet toys wrapped up?

CheshireChat · 17/04/2019 21:50

BTW you can get some (terrible) headphones and the splitter from £shop

Morticiaismymumgoal · 17/04/2019 22:35

You sound like a fantastic pair, both you for looking after your sister and having her needs at heart despite having young kids of your own (and pregnant with twins!!) and your sister for handling your mum's dismissal of her so well. Hopefully you'll be a good solid unit for years to come.
Go, take the kids. Bring chocolate, crisps, fruit shoots, tablets, anything that will keep them quiet for a bit and let the judgy judge. Who cares what they think, your sister will remember you were there even though it was very difficult.

morallowground · 17/04/2019 23:38

I think you’re a bit stuck this time and will have to take everyone along, but your mum sounds awkward for the sake of it. I wouldn’t try to ever negotiate with her again in a similar situation.
If something like this comes up again I’d book a carer and say the carer will be there at 10am are you babysitting the younger 2 or going to the school?
I think the only way you’ll get anywhere with your mum from now on is to present her two options both of which work for you and refuse to back down.

You could even try it tomorrow and say carer is booked and coming either get the kids or go to school it’s mom negotiable and see what happens although you might struggle to get a carer at this short notice.

Bookworm4 · 17/04/2019 23:45

Your mum sounds very unreasonable, does she stay indoors with your Nan 24/7? I'm sure she goes out to the shops, collects prescriptions, Im sure she can go and you can sit in with your Nan, worst case take the DC with you.

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/04/2019 00:00

I'll probably get piled on for this, but here goes....

A) is your nan actually needing as mch care as your mum is saying? She doesnt sound very nice, so she could be exaggerating in order to get rid of your sister. From what you have said, she isnt the maternal type is she?

B) do you get any form of benefits for your sister? If you get tax credits for your kids you should get them for her too, and the child benefit I bet your mum is claiming for her.

Take the kids and to hell with everyone else. You would, if it were me, get admiring looks that you are supporting her while coping with your little ones and pregnancy. I remember a woman coming to school prizegiving with 2 small ones in a double buggy, and a couple of older ones. She had her hands full and there was a bit of a kerfuffle while they got the buggy in. I remember thinking that she was amazing for doing that to be there for her daughter, no judging here.

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/04/2019 00:03

Further to a) above, it could be why she doesnt "trust" anyone else to look after her, because it will expose that Nan doesnt actually need the amount of care she is claiming. It will show that she is a liar and a user.

Might be an idea, when you are more able, to look into Nans finances too.........

Original poster
LittleMissMummaBear · 18/04/2019 08:50

Thank you for the suggestions everyone, I will look into getting some headphones and a splitter at the £shop this morning and then head to the walk-in later today. Hopefully they don’t scream or cry too much lol! Fingers crossed

OP posts:
IHateUncleJamie · 18/04/2019 09:02

@LittleMissMummaBear let us know how you get on! You’re doing brilliantly.

WRT Child Benefit, when your sister moved in with you, your Mum should have informed them of a change of circumstances. Might be worth you phoning them for advice. xx