Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to my sister's school walk in?

104 replies

LittleMissMummaBear · 17/04/2019 15:34

I am a 25-year-old parent of two little girls, ages 4 and 3, and am pregnant with twins. My DH is in the army and is currently away from home. So I am living with my two daughters, and my younger sister who is 16 years old. My mum lives with her mum and looks after her on the daily so I took in my little sister as she is a lovely teenager and it wasn't fair to be living with my mum when my mum was already looking after my nan. plus she keeps me company as DH is away!

Anyway, my sister is in her GCSE and her school is doing a walk-in where parents can look at their work. I love my sister and I think she really deserves someone to see her work as she is a brilliant student. This walk-in day is tomorrow.

My mother is telling me I have to go. But I have two young children that need to be looked after plus I'm heavily pregnant with twins?! I was expecting for my mum to go, it's the least she can do as she doesn't even live with her daughter.

But my mum is looking after my nan who is really really sick so I kinda understand where she is coming from! I really want someone to go this bloody walk-in as my sister really deserves it but I just don't know what to do!! I know it would really disappoint her if no one went.

Have no where to leave the kids, could bring them to my mum's but she grumbles so much when I do that as she has to look after three people and she can hardly balance that.

I am at such a loss what to do and avoiding my sister's questions about who's going to her school walk-in so she doesn't know I strongly don't feel like walking around being humiliated by school mums because I'm 25 and have four kids.

Either tell me to suck it up and bear it or help me out by giving advice?? Thank you x

OP posts:
SnapesGreasyHair · 17/04/2019 16:36

Your mother is the one who should be sorting this for HER child.... not you.

How dare she say your a bad sister. I personally think she's a bad mother for fobbing off her responsibilities onto you

hammeringinmyhead · 17/04/2019 16:36

Your mum is using your nan as an excuse, which is awful. She just doesn't want to go and I agree with others you must be very patient as your mum has basically mentally filed you under DSIS New Mum.

Your choices here are not go or take the kids I think. Maybe ask your sister as she may not want the attention of everyone if you are wrangling small kids during speeches.

Original poster
LittleMissMummaBear · 17/04/2019 16:37

The suggestion of an emergency carer is a good idea. I'm going to try and talk to mum about it, although it doesn't sound like she really wants to go the walk-in.
Other family lives about 4 hours away and it seems unreasonable to ask them to come down just to look after my nan for two hours.
My mum has always been really close to my nan as she is my nan's only daughter and I've never been very close to my mum, neither has my younger sister, so now my mum seems to think just because she doesn't live with her anymore she isn't really a parent or something. My sister sees my mum about 3 or 4 days a week sometimes less so quite a bit.
I am going to look into the carer and see if my mum will be a bit more open to suggestions, thanks everyone x

OP posts:
stucknoue · 17/04/2019 16:42

Just go, kids will have all kinds of situations, she's proud of her work and will love to show her amazing sister

cantfindname · 17/04/2019 16:42

This is definitely your Mum's job. You are already doing all you can to make her life easier by having your sister live with you so surely she can find 3 - 4 hours to do this much! I am sure you are more than capable of looking after Nan and your girls for a few hours... after all you will shortly be looking after twins plus two, plus, I assume, your sister!

If the other girls are bitching to your sister then it makes it doubly bad that you should have to go to this.

You sound like a lovely person who wants to do right by everyone and who is very caring. Tell (not ask) your Mum that you will be going to look after Nan and that she must go to the school. I am sure Nan won't need many drugs in that space of time and I am sure that you are more than capable of sorting out what she needs if you are given a list.

Oh, and be upfront with your sister about all the reasons you don't want to go and ask her to also pressure your Mum into doing it

Flowers
Cocolapew · 17/04/2019 16:42

I hope you get your sisters family benefit.
Frankly your mum is being a bit of a bitch,. What on earth is she screaming at you for!?

LillithsFamiliar · 17/04/2019 16:44

Perhaps invite the other relatives down for the day (not just the walk in part). Either your mum is very remiss in her parenting duties or she's struggling with looking after your nan. If it's the latter, getting the other relatives to come down might be a good chance to see if they can get more involved generally and ease the burden on your mum.

(You are an amazing big sister. You should be so proud of yourself! Ignore anyone who bitches about you)

thirdfiddle · 17/04/2019 16:44

I'd lay it out straight to your mum that this is her responsibility to sort, and what (if anything) you are prepared to do to help e.g. go if she takes the kids, or sit with kids and nan if she goes. Or you sit with nan and she takes kids to school if she thinks it's so easy!

But... At the end of the day you can't control what other people do, only what you do. If you do end up going, your sister could help with the kids. Does she have a friend who would help out too? We'd have been queuing up to entertain cute preschoolers at that age! Take tablet with videos or games to keep them quiet for any sitting down bits.

And if any teenaged girls so much as whisper, tell their teachers straight away. They should know better and just because you're young and a sister, they absolutely must not treat you with any less respect than parents or any other adults attending. They're disgracing their school and their teachers would want to know.

TSSDNCOP · 17/04/2019 16:46

Take the younger girls (it’s not like schools can’t cope with children) settle them with books/colours and look at the books for half an hour.

elfies · 17/04/2019 16:49

Can you afford a babysitter for your two bairns for two or three hours . You could visit school with your sister and perhaps treat her to a coffee to let her know how proud you are of her , It sounds as if she'd have nobody to treat her if you don't

LittleMsM · 17/04/2019 16:49

I would seriously consider talking to the school and explaining your situation, I think it would be reasonable for them to let you and your children come down early to view your sisters work, without expecting your little ones and you to sit through the 'teacher talks' thing - (which will probably be boring anyway.) Teenage girls had an opinion on you because you are about to be a mum of 4? at 25? The opinion of some bitchy teenagers shouldn't be important to you! What I really think is that your mum, could and should be leaving your Nan for a couple of hours to go to this for your sister, as that would be possible and probably good for your mum to do something, not as a carer for a bit. But, as that sounds like it won't happen I would be ringing the school, and asking for some leeway to help you make this happen. I would ask to speak to your sisters form tutor or head of year - failing that the head teacher. Mostly they will do what they can, you just have to realise you can ask.

IHateUncleJamie · 17/04/2019 16:53

I've never been very close to my mum, neither has my younger sister

I’m not bloody surprised! Your Mum has basically palmed your sister off onto you and expects you to be the parent! How dare she call you a bad sister. 🤬

I have a feeling that even if you can get your Mum to go to the walk in, she would spend as little time as possible there and not take much interest in your sister’s work as you would. Do you think that might happen? Do you think your sister might prefer you to go?

Your Mum needs to step up and remember she is a parent. Lots of middle aged people care for elderly relatives without losing interest in their own children. If your sister really wants your Mum to go then you’re going to have to be firm with your Mum and tell her that SHE is your sister’s Mum, not you, and that you will take the dcs and sit with your Nan while your Mum goes to the walk in. If she screams at you, say you are not prepared to be spoken to like that.

You are a brilliant sister. Flowers

IncrediblySadToo · 17/04/2019 17:00

Can you ask a friend to have your girls for a few hours?

You’re doing a lovely thing having your DSis living with you. She’s the priority tomorrow and she needs someone to show they care, frankly, that’s really only you right now.

I’d stop seeing this as doing it for your mother who should be doing it and seeing it as doing it for your young sister. Things like this could REALLY make a big difference to her self esteem and her future. More so than you might realise right now.

Your mother sounds selfish and self absorbed, but YOU can help reduce the impact of that on your younger sister.

As for teenagers ‘talking’, you just have to rise above it. Trust me I know how utterly shitty it is - pretend not to notice or care. IF you know who they are you can always email the school. You ARE a visiting ADULT and they should get in trouble for their behaviour.

Gingefringe · 17/04/2019 17:01

Would your mum be willing to have just one of the kids while you took the other one with you? Probably easier to deal with one child than two.

Wallywobbles · 17/04/2019 17:03

Can you ask the school if they could help you find a student or 2 to play with your kids for a bit of cash? Maybe it's a long shot? I'd ask I think. Not sure you'd have anything to loose.

happinessischocolate · 17/04/2019 17:04

Are you in the uk? Can you ask your nans doctor or social services if there's someone who could look after your nan for 2 hours? My mum used to have carers come in to look after my dad so that she could pop out occasionally. This is something your mum should have in place anyway as surely she doesn't stay with your nan 24/7

And like most pps I think your brilliant for what your doing.

Original poster
LittleMissMummaBear · 17/04/2019 17:06

The advice on this thread has been amazing, thank you very very much!
@LittleMsM this is great advice! My mum doesn't seem to budge and doesn't want to let me look after my nan. apparently she doesn't "trust me with that much caring" grrr.

I am going to phone up the school and tell them the situation and ask them if I can come up earlier with my sister and the kids. My sister is fine with this she said "as long as someone comes" ah god bless her she's so sweet.

OP posts:
Ineedamanipedi · 17/04/2019 17:13

Just wanted to say two things: firstly, you sound like a great sister
Secondly: yes, it is definitely your mums responsibility to attend the school however as she sounds incredibly selfish and obviously isn’t going to go please make the effort to go for your sisters sake.
I too was an A student at school and my mum never attended any parents evenings. At our end of year awards ceremony in year 11 I had won prizes for my year for both maths and English and no one from my family attended. I had to go with a friend and I remember everyone else’s family was there. At the time it didn’t bother me because I was used to it but now when I think back it makes me incredibly sad and resentful (along with other reasons) towards my mum.
Showing you are proud of achievements at school is so important and is something your sister will remember. Good luck xx

lordofthefries · 17/04/2019 17:21

I hope the school allows you to go earlier OP, just don’t listen to your mum. You’re being a great big sister by taking her in, and wanting her to have some special time.

Also try not to worry about people judging you because of your age, it’s none of their business and you’re doing a great job

CheesecakeAddict · 17/04/2019 17:22

Wow what an amazing big sister you are. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
If it's going to be tricky, could you tell you get your mum to pay for a couple of hours emergency childcare?

Original poster
LittleMissMummaBear · 17/04/2019 17:23

@Ineedamanipedi thank you for the lovely message x

OP posts:
Farmerswifey12 · 17/04/2019 17:23

She doesn't think you are capable of caring for your nan for a couple of hours when you have children of your own and have her daughter living with you?! I'm sorry OP but I think she's just making excuses.

You sound lovely. It's definately your mum's responsibility however if she isn't going to go I would go if I were you. Phoning the school and explaining to see if you can go early sounds a great idea. Your sister will remember who was there for her and who wasn't and she will be able to help with kids while you speak to teachers

QueenArseClangers · 17/04/2019 17:23

You sound an amazing sister. Your mother, on the other hand, sounds like a right selfish cow.
Does your mum give you money for caring for your DS? Has she transferred the Child Benefit over to you?

Tinkoschminko · 17/04/2019 17:24

Surely if your nana needs so much support that mum can’t leave her for two hours then she’s entitled to home help from social services?

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 17/04/2019 17:27

You are an amazing big sister and I’m sure you’re an equally great mum. I hope you can sort something out so your sister doesn’t feel let down

Swipe left for the next trending thread