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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think after 3 years he should commit? Should I end it

100 replies

Shouldistayorshouldigonow999 · 17/04/2019 06:45

My oh and I have been together just over 3 years. In many ways hes great but after 3 years hes not proposed or sold his house to buy with me. We own our own homes separately. He moved in with me temporarily (but kept his place) for 6 months but my house was being renovated so he moved back to his during major works. Hes suggested he move back in again but ive said we need to move on with our relationship.. ie marriage and kids which hes always said he wants.

Ive suggested we buy a place together as my place is only a 2 bed and we both would like another child (I have one dc).

He says he loves me and has shown committment in that hes always helping me with my house and spends lots of time here however hes still not proposed or sold and bought with me but hes always said he wants marriage and kids. Last nov he told me he would propse by feb.. he still hasnt. We get on well but do bicker a fair bit over this issue. I know its a big commitment and scary and he worries if we split about finances (friends who's partners screwed then over financially!). However he should know im not like that! I have my own money! He has 2 properties and would only need to sell one to buy together.

Ive discussed with him and he worries re our bickering but thats due to my frustration! Im 37 and hes 41.

Minor complication he was told in december re possible redundancy and did lose his job a week ago but hes very financially secure and will find a new job. Hes said for months he wants a new job before we move as he doesnt want too much change all at once. I do get that but financially with all our equity and my income we dont need his salary so what im saying is we can sell and buy together just on one income so i dont feel we should wait especially given our age and that we both would like a baby. AIBU?

OP posts:

megrichardson · 17/04/2019 06:50

Why don't you propose to him 'officially' so to speak, with a firm date for marriage already in mind. If he doesn't respond with a definitive 'yes' then perhaps you need to seriously think about going your separate ways. I have wasted far too much time on relationships where there wasn't really anything wrong with my partner as such, it was just that we wanted different things, and I suspect that this is where you're at.
You do have to mean it though if you suggest going your separate ways because empty threats never work.
And no I don't think you're BU as such, but if he doesn't really want it, then he doesn't really want it.

RickyGold · 17/04/2019 06:59

Maybe you just want different things and that doesn't make either of you right or wrong. Are you sure he really wants another child?, at 41 and with a child already, many wouldn't. Decide what you really want and make your choices from that. Just because he doesn't want to buy together, have a child with you or marry you doesn't mean he isn't committed, just not in the way you want

Happygolucky009 · 17/04/2019 06:59

What is stopping you from proposing and providing a date?
I fear that he doesn't want to commit and you either accept the situation as is, or look to split. Sorry

NameChangeNugget · 17/04/2019 07:01

Getting married isn’t a priority for him at the moment. Surely, you must see that?

Banhaha · 17/04/2019 07:02

You could propose? And then you'll know either way if he's seriously wanting to get married or not.

Original poster

Shouldistayorshouldigonow999 · 17/04/2019 07:11

Thanks for the helpful replies. Im not sure what to do but i dont want to propose to him. Id be happy if we just moved in together to be honest. Yes im sure he wants a child he said from day one he wants children. I also made it clear from day one that i wanted to meet someone who wanted the things i want.. family life. From the beginning he made it clear he wanted to settle down and have a family so i feel somewhat irritated by the situation given what we both said early on. In nov when we almost split he told me he didnt want to waste time and he wanted to get on with it as hes getting older. Hes gone back on his word really :-/

OP posts:

joystir59 · 17/04/2019 07:14

You are wasting your time with him. Propose and call his bluff.

Butchyrestingface · 17/04/2019 07:14

Im not sure what to do but i dont want to propose to him

Why not? It would bring the matter to a head one way or the other.

megrichardson · 17/04/2019 07:21

Are you frightened of the answer if you propose to him? I think you know really that he's messing you around, even if he doesn't mean to be.

Aethelthryth · 17/04/2019 07:21

If he doesn't want to marry you the relationship is not stable enough to contemplate children. You should propose and find out whether or not he is really committed

Unburnished · 17/04/2019 07:22

You need to force the issue by asking him, otherwise there’ll always be an excuse for him to use. Has he ever committed to anyone?

Rosesaredead · 17/04/2019 07:23

You should propose to him. Why is all the responsibility on him? if you want to get engaged, and he's taking too long to propose ... Then propose?!? Leaving him because he didn't propose, when you didn't propose either, seems a bit weird and petty

Original poster

Shouldistayorshouldigonow999 · 17/04/2019 07:24

Im not sure why i dont want to but im not going to. I dont want to beg him to be with me. Dont get me wrong.. proposing normally isnt begging but in this situation ive gone on and on at him and put so much pressure.. im not now going to propose. He either sells and buys with me in the next few months or its over. I have said this to him and he says "i agree we need to move forward"and sort of agrees to the timeline but does say he feels pressured. But its been 3 years!

OP posts:

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 17/04/2019 07:26

I hate when everyone says propose!!!

She doesn’t want to, neither do loads of women and that is okay!

I thought this bit was interesting
He moved in with me temporarily (but kept his place) for 6 months but my house was being renovated so he moved back to his during major works.

Did you discuss going with him? Weird he left you do deal with major works on your own.

I think 3 years is long enough and I don’t think you should engage in more persuasion/chit chat.
There was a timeline which you are now well past.
As hard as it I’d be making mentally prep to leave the relationship - don’t let him move back in and stop talking about the future (this should also have the benefit of removing the bickering)

TooBusyHavingFun · 17/04/2019 07:27

I keep meeting men like this! I'm beginning to wonder if that's just how they are once they are 40...

999caffeineplease · 17/04/2019 07:27

I don’t think you can be annoyed at him for not proposing if you’re not willing to either.

If you feel you agreed to get married, why even wait to be proposed to? Just say “I’ve been thinking, what about we book the registry office for x date and get on with things?”

Original poster

Shouldistayorshouldigonow999 · 17/04/2019 07:29

Unburnished yes, he proposed to his xlex after 2 years andd he said she kept on at him so he proposed. He did love her but he called the wedding off 4 months before :-/ after invites had been sent, venue booked and honeymoon paid. He said altho he loved her he had no choice but to end it becuase she was saying odd things..she didnt like his family and said if they had kids the kid wouldnt be allowed to see his family. He called the marriage off

OP posts:

megrichardson · 17/04/2019 07:30

People generally do what they want to do. And he doesn't want to get married. I think you should cut your losses, OP. Even if you were to have a child with him, will he keep on going on about you pressured him into things etc etc. Bugger that - he should be feeling lucky to have you and if he isn't that bothered then I would actively find someone who does want you. Plus, as you say, the biological clock is ticking.

Original poster

Shouldistayorshouldigonow999 · 17/04/2019 07:30

Im not proposing, thats just my decision. Im not pressuring him to propose but i am pressuring him to sell and buy with me

OP posts:

megrichardson · 17/04/2019 07:32

He has form for ducking out of things at the last minute by the looks of it - I am not sure he is a good bet for the future.

Acis · 17/04/2019 07:32

I never get the concept of agreeing to propose at some future date. Either you're engaged or you're not, you can't really be engaged to be engaged. I like 999's approach.

Original poster

Shouldistayorshouldigonow999 · 17/04/2019 07:32

I couldnt move to his during refurb as its an hour away and my child has school. He didnt want to be im the house with all the works but he did help out a lot with stuff

OP posts:

NameChangeNugget · 17/04/2019 07:36

*I hate when everyone says propose!!!

She doesn’t want to, neither do loads of women and that is okay!*

What a tired an outdated viewpoint.

It’s 2019 and neither do a lot of men. What if OP’s boyfriend is like that?

Orangeballon · 17/04/2019 07:39

What’s the big deal about marriage? It should be a joint decision that you come about together, not one nagging the other. If he wanted to marry you he would do so. My husband made all the arrangements for ours himself. I just bought the outfit. If a person wants something then they will go for it.

Stop pressurising.

Candleglow7475 · 17/04/2019 07:41

You’ve said you’re not going to propose but I can’t see how this will move forward with you pushing this issue. It really doesn’t sound like he’s going to do it.
At least if you did propose and he still appeared reluctant you could end it knowing you’ve done everything you could.

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