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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think after 3 years he should commit? Should I end it

100 replies

Shouldistayorshouldigonow999 · 17/04/2019 06:45

My oh and I have been together just over 3 years. In many ways hes great but after 3 years hes not proposed or sold his house to buy with me. We own our own homes separately. He moved in with me temporarily (but kept his place) for 6 months but my house was being renovated so he moved back to his during major works. Hes suggested he move back in again but ive said we need to move on with our relationship.. ie marriage and kids which hes always said he wants.

Ive suggested we buy a place together as my place is only a 2 bed and we both would like another child (I have one dc).

He says he loves me and has shown committment in that hes always helping me with my house and spends lots of time here however hes still not proposed or sold and bought with me but hes always said he wants marriage and kids. Last nov he told me he would propse by feb.. he still hasnt. We get on well but do bicker a fair bit over this issue. I know its a big commitment and scary and he worries if we split about finances (friends who's partners screwed then over financially!). However he should know im not like that! I have my own money! He has 2 properties and would only need to sell one to buy together.

Ive discussed with him and he worries re our bickering but thats due to my frustration! Im 37 and hes 41.

Minor complication he was told in december re possible redundancy and did lose his job a week ago but hes very financially secure and will find a new job. Hes said for months he wants a new job before we move as he doesnt want too much change all at once. I do get that but financially with all our equity and my income we dont need his salary so what im saying is we can sell and buy together just on one income so i dont feel we should wait especially given our age and that we both would like a baby. AIBU?

OP posts:
Erksum · 17/04/2019 07:41

Why on earth do you want to get married to someone you bicker with. How is that going to end well and why would you want to marry someone who you admit you've been pressurising to propose to you. How are you going to feel if he does propose when you know it's because you have been on and on about it.

There will probably be other things you would have to face as a couple and if you can't work together on this then you've not got much much chance with other things. It sounds like you are both settling for a bad option.

I understand that it's nice to be proposed to but being proposed to by someone who has been pressurised to do it would be crap. Surely in those circumstance it would be better for you to propose.

ilikebeckerinmyoldage · 17/04/2019 07:41

For gods sake the old 'you propose'. What's the point of proposing to someone who doesn't want to get married? The great feeling of rejection that will come with it?
He obviously doesn't want to do it, or he would've done it. It's not the actual act of proposing that's the issue - it's his reluctance to actually marry or commit to the op. If he doesn't know now he never will.

I would cut my losses and end it.

Original poster
Shouldistayorshouldigonow999 · 17/04/2019 07:42

Orange yes i get that, hence my post and asking if im wasting my time. Thats how i feel.. if he wanted it then he would! With regards to stop pressuring in 37 and bioloigical clock ticking. I love him and want to be with him but i also want a child soon.. we both knew this and wanted the same 3 years ago. Its unfair and thats why im pressuring to get a fanily home togethermi cant wait another few years. Inguess i can stop pressuring and walk away :-/

OP posts:
ilikebeckerinmyoldage · 17/04/2019 07:45

I also think buying a house together is a really bad idea. He may cave and agree to a house if he realises you're going to walk away, but he still won't marry you or have kids. You'll just buy a house and feel like you have to shut up about kids, and then another three years will pass.

Original poster
Shouldistayorshouldigonow999 · 17/04/2019 07:45

Thanks ilike... i think youre right. Everyones going on about proposal but its moving in together ..buying our own family home that im pressuring him.. im not begging him to propose! Lol

OP posts:
Happilyacceptingcookies · 17/04/2019 07:47

I disagree, when someone "should" propose is not time based. Plenty of couples, including us, we're together 7+ years before getting married!

Your biological clock ticking doesn't mean he should propose if he isn't ready or doesn't want to. You have the option to stay with him and wait, or you can propose, or leave him and see if someone else will propose quicker. It's for you to take control.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 17/04/2019 07:47

I’d proceed with caution and agree with ilike that buying a house may be a stalling tactic.

EivissaE · 17/04/2019 07:47

Acis I agree, just seems an odd thing to do and it is being engaged to be engaged, If you’ve talked about marriage and it’s what you both want to do then technically you are engaged as an engagement is just an agreement to marry, why the need for one of you to then have to officially propose and then say you’re engaged, just plan the wedding!

Petalflowers · 17/04/2019 07:48

I think it’s time for some big decisions.

Why don’t you rent your own houses out, and rent a third place together. I think you need to pin him down. Ie. Let’s live together for six months, then start trying for a baby. The marriage can come later.

It’s time to take the bull by it’s horns and to establish exactly where this relationship is going. Possibly he is stringing you along, and wants a companion ( with benefits) rather than a life partner (ie. wife), and family.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 17/04/2019 07:49

Honestly it sounds like he is very happy with how things are right now and i don't think from what you've described, that he had any intention to take the next step (whatever that may be.) It's unfair I'd him to be dangling a proposal in front of you like this, if someone wants to marry you, they ask. They wouldn't need to assure you it's coming without ever actually pulling their finger out and asking just to keep you in your place.

needanappp · 17/04/2019 07:49

Proposal or property, if you're having to pressure him does he really want to? You shouldn't be pressuring him to sell his home. He's had 3 years and you lived together for 6 months, if he wanted to sell his home he would have done by now.

Has he asked you to move in with him? Is it just a case that he likes his home and doesn't want to move?

Either way if he wanted to have a family then he would be open to moving. But I don't think it's right that you pressure him and I think if a man had posted about pressuring a woman to sell her house, some people would have been crying some sort of financial abuse. If you're having to force him into anything, it's not right and you should call it quits.

GylesYronwood · 17/04/2019 07:53

I think it is honestly very obvious that he doesn't want to marry you or move in with you.

He might reluctantly agree to it if the alternative is losing you, but he doesn't really want to - otherwise he would have done it by now, especially given your enthusiasm for both.

You are not right for each other, either you want different things or he is still not 100% certain about you.

When someone is desperately in love and wants to spend the rest of their life with their partner, when they want to spend every minute together and make absolutely sure that she's going to be his forever, they don't need ultimatums, deadlines and arm twisting.

Cut your losses and separate. Or spend the next X number of years being strung along and/or knowing he's going along with your plans under duress.

MountPheasant · 17/04/2019 07:58

You should never have to beg someone to be with you OP. When my OH proposed I asked him afterwards if he was nervous before and he said no, he was excited. That’s what you deserve.

Sit him down and explain that, based on the fact that he told you he would propose by Feb and hasn’t, you clearly want different things and want to stop wasting each other’s time.

Original poster
Shouldistayorshouldigonow999 · 17/04/2019 08:01

Yes in response he would happily have me move into his.. i cant do that.. its too far from my work and the schools where he live arent good. He made it clear ages ago he thought id just move in with him.

OP posts:
missyB1 · 17/04/2019 08:03

What is all this nonsense about waiting for proposals?! OP you are 37! Be an adult and just tell him it's time for the relationship to move forward now and ask him if he's ready for that. If he says "no not now" then you have your answer and you move on without him. Nobody needs to "propose" in this day and age.

Unburnished · 17/04/2019 08:05

OP, what he says and his actions are at odds with each other and given his lack of commitment to you and his ex partner, I’d be cutting my losses and looking to forge my own path with donor sperm for a baby if necessary.

Original poster
Shouldistayorshouldigonow999 · 17/04/2019 08:07

Missyb i like yourr style! I think its that we want to buy a house and have kids and marriage but its alot to do in a few years (im not having kids after 40). I guess a house and kids doesnt have to be done when married but being engaged would feel better. as ive said tho im not that bothered re marriage. Buying and having a family and committing that way is fine. I could end it and maybe never meet the right person in time for kids or i can wait for him. Thats my dilema

OP posts:
Original poster
Shouldistayorshouldigonow999 · 17/04/2019 08:07

Unburnished yes that does sound like a good plan.. thats one of the things im considering

OP posts:
Original poster
Shouldistayorshouldigonow999 · 17/04/2019 08:08

Missyb1 he would say yes he is does want those things but once hes found a new job

OP posts:
LordWheresMyShoes · 17/04/2019 08:10

You're bickering and pressuring him to buy a house with him, and considering leaning him when he's just been made redundant. I wouldn't buy a house at that point either, and I'd be turned off and turning away from somebody who is putting so much pressure on me.

Exhausted18 · 17/04/2019 08:12

I agree that there is no need for a proposal in this day and age. Was at a wedding last year of a good friend of mine. Neither her or her now DH proposed. They had kept an open dialogue about marriage and just agreed between them, right we are getting married in 2018.
I think the kicking the can down the road and not committing to anything is more worrying OP. Personally I'd prefer to be single than deal with someone who was flittering away my chance to have another child with platitudes. And I know it's a cliche but there are definitely men who string the partner along until she can no longer have kids and then feck off with a younger woman when they are finally ready for them.

Exhausted18 · 17/04/2019 08:13

I'd bet good money he sold you a pack of lies about his ex fiancé too.

ZoeWashburne · 17/04/2019 08:16

There was a blog I saw written on a similar subject a few years ago, I will try to track it down.

This is going to sound harsh, and I am sorry if it hurts you. The crux of it is: Why do you want to be with someone who clearly isn't on the same page as you? When it comes to relationships, after the initial get to know you period it is either "hell yes" we should be together, or "no'. There is no "I don't know". There is no grey area. Of course you might not know if you want to get married initially, but you should both be working down that path. If you have to convince someone to marry you, you shouldn't marry them.

After 3 years, if he doesn't know by now, he will never know. And I don't buy this whole "pressurised" BS. He is an adult, not some 19 year old. Either you both are working towards the same goal or not. He isn't. He is happy with the status quo.

I am sure he has amazing qualities. And I am sure you will keep saying that you love him. But in reality, you also need to love yourself. Don't marry him because of sunken costs.

You deserve someone who screams a big Hell Yes that he wants to marry you, not someone you will always wonder if his fear of being alone made him give you a ring to keep you happy.

needanappp · 17/04/2019 08:17

So if he'd happily have you move into his, maybe he doesn't want to sell his property incase things don't work out and he ends up with nowhere to go.

Problem being I assume he couldn't afford to buy a new property with you whilst also keeping his current house?

TacoLover · 17/04/2019 08:17

She doesn’t want to, neither do loads of women and that is okay!

Equally, he doesn't want to propose eitherConfusedso why is he being moaned about yet the OP has done nothing wrong?

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