to think after 3 years he should commit? Should I end it

[Shouldistayorshouldigonow999]

My oh and I have been together just over 3 years. In many ways hes great but after 3 years hes not proposed or sold his house to buy with me. We own our own homes separately. He moved in with me temporarily (but kept his place) for 6 months but my house was being renovated so he moved back to his during major works. Hes suggested he move back in again but ive said we need to move on with our relationship.. ie marriage and kids which hes always said he wants.

Ive suggested we buy a place together as my place is only a 2 bed and we both would like another child (I have one dc).

He says he loves me and has shown committment in that hes always helping me with my house and spends lots of time here however hes still not proposed or sold and bought with me but hes always said he wants marriage and kids. Last nov he told me he would propse by feb.. he still hasnt. We get on well but do bicker a fair bit over this issue. I know its a big commitment and scary and he worries if we split about finances (friends who's partners screwed then over financially!). However he should know im not like that! I have my own money! He has 2 properties and would only need to sell one to buy together.

Ive discussed with him and he worries re our bickering but thats due to my frustration! Im 37 and hes 41.

Minor complication he was told in december re possible redundancy and did lose his job a week ago but hes very financially secure and will find a new job. Hes said for months he wants a new job before we move as he doesnt want too much change all at once. I do get that but financially with all our equity and my income we dont need his salary so what im saying is we can sell and buy together just on one income so i dont feel we should wait especially given our age and that we both would like a baby. AIBU?

I agree that people do what they want to do. It would be different if you were in your twenties but at your respective ages if he hasn’t committed by proposing marriage and setting a date, trying for a baby or setting up home together it would tell me he doesn’t want any of those things. That’s absolutely fine, but if you do want those things you need to cut your losses and move on.

Women who don't want to propose don't want to beg. I'm with that all the way.

Either he wants kids or he doesn't, he's not 21 and uncertain

I’d be uncertain of having kids in a relationship where there is lots of bickering and where my partner was pressurising me.

I think getting married when you've only lived together for 6 months is a bit silly, but I do understand that age is a consideration. Can you not have an open convo about it?

This sounds blunt, but if he wanted to be living with you/marrying you/having kids, he would do.

He dodging answering you and putting things on the long finger.

I would ask him straight out to marry you, see what he says, But be prepared for a no.

I don't think he is committed to you - if he really wanted to then he would already be living with you/be married to you.
He also doesn't really seem to understand much about your life if he just assumed you'd move in with him and didn't give any thoughts to the school situation or your work. The risk would have been all yours and nothing about his life would change.

That said, if you were desperate for a baby there's no reason why you couldn't have one now and co-parent successfully. Ordinarily I wouldn't advise this but you have your own home and income, he is financially stable so could meet his share of expenses. I'd expect him to agree to help financially during maternity leave but under no circumstances should you rely on him in a sahm situation because he does come across as a man who will never commit.
Bit if you were okay with that and the child is the priority,then that could work. It's not ideal but would enable you to have a child and remove time pressure. Maybe after he'd come around, maybe not but you'd have your kids.
I think he's wasted your time so far. I wouldn't push for moving in etc because something done grudgingly is unlikely to work out.

You’re 37! Your “one day” needs to be now. Unless you want to get on the ivf train.

"Yes in response he would happily have me move into his."

He's happy for that level of commitment because if he didn't like living with you he could kick you out and seamlessly continue his life.

He doesn't want to sell his house, buy a new house, pay for a wedding, legally commit for life, become a step-parent or any of those other things he's saying he wants. Because he's just saying them, not doing them.

Are PPs missing the part where OP says her partner has just been made redundant???

As someone who was also made redundant at the start of this year, my advice is to lay off the pressure at least until he is back in employment again. Sure, he might have plenty of money to fall back on but being made redundant is a huge blow to a person's confidence and it can sometimes feel like the world has just fallen out from under you.

Let the man get his life back on track before you go wading in with "You need to move in with me within 2 months or I'm leaving you".

Don't propose. Don't wait for him to propose (I never understand talking about proposals and then waiting for them either. Makes no sense)

Just talk about your future and both agree to a commitment. Discuss what that means and put a date on it. Discuss the outcome if he won't agree to it.

If that means walking away, then so be it.

He is a "future faker" He can playact at commitment without actually being committed and enjoy all of the trappings that come with expressing these sentiments without actually having to live these sentiments.For him talking about commitment is as good as making the commitment.

Look if he wanted to be married to you and trying for a baby he would do those things, he owns two properties and alright he was recently made redundant but he was not redundant for the previous three years of the relationship, he seems to be just telling you what you want to hear, but you need to really see what he is doing not what he is saying. His words and actions so not match, stop chasing after someone who is half-hearted about you at best, what kind of step parent will he be to your child if he is only half in this relationship, what kind of parent would he be to your future child if chased and cajoled into fatherhood. Step back and see what he is doing not just saying.

I’d be uncertain of having kids in a relationship where there is lots of bickering and where my partner was pressurising me

Me too. I'd not want to bring a child into a relationship where there was lots of bickering nor would I have a child with a partner who would leave me if i didn't agree to it. That would tell me they didn't love me for me but for what I could give them. Not the basis for a relationship imo.

If this was my son or daughter I'd be telling them to protect their assets and to walk away than be pressured into something they don't want and to find someone who just wants them.

im not having kids after 40

I'd suggest you rethink this OP, it's probably one of the main sources of pressure for you at the moment. Would it really make such a difference if you had a baby at 40 years 1 month as oppposed ot 39 years 11 month - or even 41 or 42? Potentially you may still be fertile into your 50s.

In my experience, if you're in your thirties and there's no sign of the relationship moving forward after a couple of years (whether that's marriage, kids, buying a house, or whatever you want from the relationship) then it's pretty unlikely that it's going to happen (or it will only happen if one party pushes the other one into it).

At this stage in life things are usually different to a relationship in your twenties. Of course there are exceptions, but I've seen it all too often where couples in their thirties coast along for a few years until it becomes obvious that one party has no intention of settling down and things come to a head.

Timing wouldn't matter so much if you didn't want another child. Out of marriage, house and having children, the latter is the only time- sensitive thing, though I understand wanting the security of at least one of the other two first.
Men in general don't have a lulu about female fertility and a lot of them seem to believe that wishing will make it so. Yeah you might be fertile in your 50s...in the same way that somebody who smokes 40 a day might be hale and hearty till they're 100.

There's so much individual variation so do some factfinding. Set up a fertility consultation and get your anti Muellerian hormone levels checked out. Tell him you're going and talk about what the consultant said after. It's not going to give you the day and hour your fertility will run out but it will focus his mind a bit. If he gets evasive, won't talk about it or thinks you're obssessed and bonkers for doing it, then exit stage left.

Why don't you say to him, "I think it's better we go our separate ways. We want different things. I want another child and I'm 37 now. I can't afford to waste time on someone who doesn't want the same as me"? Call his bluff, give him time and see what happens.

I agree with HollowTalk

What if you skipped the whole proposal thing completely. You can get married at any age, if you want a baby and don't want one after 40 then you need to get cracking. Don't mention marriage but say to him 'I'm 37 you're 41'. I want to start trying for a baby - NOW. Tonight. If he starts coming up with excuses - or maybe next year then move on. Meet someone else.

I agree with this too

Why don't you say to him, "I think it's better we go our separate ways. We want different things. I want another child and I'm 37 now. I can't afford to waste time on someone who doesn't want the same as me"? Call his bluff, give him time and see what happens.

I'm afraid id just cut to the chase and realise- if he wanted to do those things he would. For whatever reason he doesn't. And that's where you are so you either leave it and forget about it and be happy with what you've got and stop the bickering or end it.

So what are you going to do OP? I don't think upto now hes shown you any commitment at all.Hes just seeing you.

Have you come to a decision shouldistayorshouldigonow99 ?
Surely in a 3 year relationship he should have that feeling that he couldn't live without you, he loves you so much ?

Any other 37 year olds desperate to become a mummy but not met mr right?

You are a 'mummy' already aren't you? Mind you, your existing child doesn't get much of a mention in this tale.

1. You are a mother already...!
2. why did you want to marry him a month ago if he isn’t mr right????

To answer your question
I’m sure there are 37 yr olds that want to be a mother but haven’t met the right man. Some who are responsible (and financially independent) may go ahead with a sperm donor or similar having considered all implications. Most will look at their situation and realise it’s total irresponsible to both existing children and any future child. Then there are irresponsible people who press on despite their circumstances (man being unsuitable, poor finances, ignoring existing children’s needs etc)

I genuinely have no clue what camp you fall into. Personally, I would never want to raise a child or embark upon that journey solo. if I was (somehow) that desperate I’d go for a sperm donor route as it’s less complex than handling a pregnancy and relationship breakdown.