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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think after 3 years he should commit? Should I end it

100 replies

Shouldistayorshouldigonow999 · 17/04/2019 06:45

My oh and I have been together just over 3 years. In many ways hes great but after 3 years hes not proposed or sold his house to buy with me. We own our own homes separately. He moved in with me temporarily (but kept his place) for 6 months but my house was being renovated so he moved back to his during major works. Hes suggested he move back in again but ive said we need to move on with our relationship.. ie marriage and kids which hes always said he wants.

Ive suggested we buy a place together as my place is only a 2 bed and we both would like another child (I have one dc).

He says he loves me and has shown committment in that hes always helping me with my house and spends lots of time here however hes still not proposed or sold and bought with me but hes always said he wants marriage and kids. Last nov he told me he would propse by feb.. he still hasnt. We get on well but do bicker a fair bit over this issue. I know its a big commitment and scary and he worries if we split about finances (friends who's partners screwed then over financially!). However he should know im not like that! I have my own money! He has 2 properties and would only need to sell one to buy together.

Ive discussed with him and he worries re our bickering but thats due to my frustration! Im 37 and hes 41.

Minor complication he was told in december re possible redundancy and did lose his job a week ago but hes very financially secure and will find a new job. Hes said for months he wants a new job before we move as he doesnt want too much change all at once. I do get that but financially with all our equity and my income we dont need his salary so what im saying is we can sell and buy together just on one income so i dont feel we should wait especially given our age and that we both would like a baby. AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Shouldistayorshouldigonow999 · 17/04/2019 08:21

Yes he can afford to keep his house and buy with me. He said we would get a better house if we both sell tho as the area we want to move to is exepsnive.

OP posts:

chuttypicks · 17/04/2019 08:22

If he wanted to live with you, he would be living with you. It really is as simple as that. He's just not that into you @Shouldistayorshouldigonow999 .

Spiritinabody2 · 17/04/2019 08:23

@Shouldistayorshouldigonow999

"I could end it and never meet the right person in time for kids or I can wait for him."

He has told you he feels pressurised by you. He is not ready to make the commitment you want/need. The more you pressurise him, the more he will resist. Being badgered by someone for anything is really blooming irritating.

You nearly split in November. That's fairly recent and unless your relationship has significantly improved since then (and it doesn't sound like it has) then you probably are/will be on the point of splitting again.

You need to decide whether to call it quits or wait for committment from your partner without placing ANY pressure on him to move in with you.

Throckmorton · 17/04/2019 08:26

OP I'm really sorry, but from an outside perspective, it's really clear he doesn't want to marry you or move in with you. He says he does, but he's just saying what you want to hear. He's not interested in commitment with anyone - look how he treated his ex. I wouldn't believe a word he says about why he split with her either.

Ferii · 17/04/2019 08:34

You're being unreasonable and sound very pushy. You say you'd "be happy if you could just move in together", he offered to move in to your house and you said no because you specifically want to buy together. Why be so specific? The man has just lost his job last week so I think it's perfectly reasonable he doesn't want to commit to buying a new home with you right now when you have a perfectly good, newly renovated house which he can move in to. He's likely stressed from losing his job and looking for work, I think he needs support rather than more badgering. Sounds like you have different ideas of what commitment means, I recommend seeing a relationship counsellor to discuss your goals. You have a man who loves you and your DC, wants to commit and move in with you, don't get bogged down in the details.

AnnieMay100 · 17/04/2019 08:34

It sounds like he has commitment issues maybe from the past or he just doesn’t feel ready. Losing his job would have been difficult for him so I’d say finding a new job should be priority right now unless you can afford a new home on just your wage. 3 years can feel a long time for women who are waiting for true commitment but a lot of men see it as early days. Could he be saying these things as a red herring to avoid losing you? I think you need a good chat about the future and how serious he is. Show him photos of properties you could move to and book a viewing. If he makes excuses then you know he isn’t ready to fully commit to you yet. It’s your choice if you’re willing to wait another couple of years but you could be risking wasting time on someone who never intends to be that serious with you. You can’t force someone to live with you or propose so give yourself a time limit to move on from the relationship if the home/baby/marriage are deal breakers.

Boysey45 · 17/04/2019 08:38

He doesn't want to marry you, buy a house with you or have children with you. If he did then he would have done something about it by now.Hes stalling and stringing you along.
I think you have your answer but its facing upto it and moving on.

BarbarianMum · 17/04/2019 08:39

You're flogging adead horse. Stop.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 17/04/2019 08:45

I think at your time of life,forgive me OP I don't mean for you both to sound ancient! but I think you both know yourselves,,He seems happy to carry on as you both are.Why the rush? Can;t you both just enjoy being with each other and let things develop naturally?The pressure to move in and start a family will cause rows.You have plenty of time to have a baby..I was 41 when I had mine.Don't make knee jerk reactions and throw it all away...Maybe when you both are relaxed have a chat and see if you can gauge where he sees your relationship going? Then calmly you can decide if there is a future for you both.I would back off a bit with trying to make huge,life changing decisions and just have fun being together...

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/04/2019 08:45

I'd not want to marry someone who kept nagging me into it. Awful pressure from someone who is supposed to love you.

You either love him so should enjoy what you've got or you want him because he can provode x, y and z. If that's the case let him go and find someone who wants him for him not for what he gives them.

NabooThatsWho · 17/04/2019 08:46

What zoe said. He doesn’t sound fussed OP. Is that really someone you want to have a child with and spend the rest of your life with?

Take a big step back and spend some time reflecting.

needanappp · 17/04/2019 08:50

I agree with @Ferii absolutely.

He is willing to commit, just not specifically in the way that you want. It's not that he doesn't want to live with you, it's that he doesn't want to buy with you. That's very different and I can understand in his situation why he wouldn't want to go that.

I think it comes down to this. Relationships are about compromise. You are expecting him to compromise but you're not doing much compromising yourself. Lots of use of the word compromise there

If marriage and another child really is a priority for you, which is absolutely more than okay, we all want different things, then you need to accept that these things are not imminent at this stage in the relationship. There would be nothing wrong with you ending it on that basis.

MyKingdomForBrie · 17/04/2019 08:51

Ask him if he wants to ttc. If no, move on.

Merryoldgoat · 17/04/2019 08:52

What do you mean why you say a proposal? Can you just sit down and have a conversation?

‘OH - I love you and I think you love me. We’ve talked a lot and you know I want to get married and have another child. I’m 37, time isn’t on our side so I need to know what is in your head. I think we need to move things along NOW but if you don’t, then you need to be upfront so we can stop wasting each other’s time’.

I honest find it strange to not have a vague timeline agreed for things like this when two adults who are financially solvent are together.

outpinked · 17/04/2019 08:52

He has form for ducking out of commitment at the last minute and I think he’d do the same to you. I wouldn’t waste anymore time on him, I don’t think he wants to get married or have a child.

BarbarianMum · 17/04/2019 08:57

Ask him if he wants to ttc

Yeah, because a baby on the way is a sure fire way of getting a man to commit.

DistanceCall · 17/04/2019 08:58

You need to find out what he wants, so you can know where you are standing.

Sit him down and tell him "Look, I'm 37, when we met we both agreed that we wanted another child. I'm not having another child unless we live together. So I need to know and I need to know now, because I'm running out of time - are we still on the same page?"

Depending on what he says, you'll know what to do next.

LemonTT · 17/04/2019 08:58

This sounds like a very familiar MN post. If you want to get married and so does he then you set the date. If you really feel you need another child then you will force the issue and overcome your problem with proposing. If you are both committed then put your houses on the market.

This is what millions of people have done in far more difficult circumstances. You are both making up excuses and faux barriers because there is no reason why you can’t live together, have a child and or get married. Except that at least one of you doesn’t want either of those things and I think neither of you want to be together. You are trying to use each other for different things. In your case a child and in his case a convenient girlfriend. It will end in tears.

Think of you current child who barely gets a mention in all this. What does he or she need.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 17/04/2019 09:00

If you manage to get someone to agree to marry you when their heart wasn’t really in it, you can divorce and if you buy a house with someone who doesn’t really want to live with you, you can sell it but why on earth would you want to saddle a child with a father who didn’t really want them. If he’s not actively enthusiastic about being a father to a child with you, now (because you’re 37 & you’ve been together long enough) then there’s just not much point.
Having a father who’s not committed is much worse than having a reluctant fiancé.

snitzelvoncrumb · 17/04/2019 09:02

I think you should end it, he is just going to waste your time. If you want another child end the relationship and give yourself the opportunity to meet someone else.

sighrollseyes · 17/04/2019 09:12

Men hate to be pressured. They HATE IT! They like to do things in their own time and their own way. The more you pressure the less likely it will happen.
Why don't you suggest selling your house and buying something bigger / that you like, and renting his house out?
That's what me and DH did and now we have a small collection of rental properties which is a fabulous source of income.

ilikebeckerinmyoldage · 17/04/2019 09:13

I could end it and never meet the right person in time for kids or I can wait for him

The thing is, he knows you want kids and he knows your age. It's incredibly selfish of him to stall that for you rather than tell you he's not ready, or move ahead. You are 37. Either he wants kids or he doesn't, he's not 21 and uncertain. He knows very well whether he does or doesn't and his inaction is completely selfish.

Lilylauren98 · 17/04/2019 09:14

IMO... just because he hasn't proposed doesn't mean he doesn't love you.
He has just lost his job & probably at least wants to secure another before he makes any big financial decisions. That would explain why what he said in November has changed. x

Adversecamber22 · 17/04/2019 09:17

I can’t see it written in any post but is it worth considering that as he already has a house and could buy another he just doesn’t want to risk his assets in the event of a break up? I can see you also have a house op and bring assets to the table but as usual in most relationships assets are never the same. It seems like he has considerably more to bring financially than you.

If single I would never consider remarrying for just this reason.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/04/2019 09:17

Shouldistayorshouldigonow999

but i am pressuring him to sell and buy with me

So you get to keep your house, he puts in a huge deposit.

If this was the other way round red flags would be everywhere.

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