He said I deserved it - how can we go on?

[isthistheendoftheroad]

Yesterday was DH’s birthday. We went out for the evening and had a lovely time. We took the tube home and as we were approaching the end of our journey, our chat moved on to our children (currently away with my parents). I brought up the fact our son (9yo) is scatterbrained and a bit helpless, and the fact I intend to change that. DH very much favours DS over DD (7); he is the easier child by far. He immediately started saying that I couldn’t expect DS to be organised when the house is untidy. This is a long-standing point of friction between us; DH works full time, whereas I work four days. He thinks I should keep an immaculate home as a result, despite the fact no-one ever tidies up their own mess, I usually work at least half of my non-working day and that I am heavily involved with the school. For the avoidance of doubt, our house is untidy, not dirty - I refuse to make myself a skivvy and pick up after them, but I will clean.

Anyway, after a few drinks, DH has form for getting angry to the point where I just cannot reason with him. This in turn leads to a miserable for me, and I usually make it worse because I try and defend myself (despite knowing this is a red rag to a bull). Last night, I just couldn’t face it, so when we came out of the tube station, I went off to get a bus, while he took a taxi home.

While I was waiting for the bus, at the deserted bus stop (at midnight), a man ran up behind me and tried to snatch my bag. The bag was a mini rucksack type, and I was holding the strap, so he couldn’t take it, but I was knocked to the
Ground and hurt my knee. My tights were ripped and I was bleeding. Not a serious injury by any measure, but scary and unsettling nonetheless.

All the time I was waiting for the bus, DH had been texting me, continuing the argument. I had been ignoring these messages. After the event, I responded saying someone had tried to mug me and I couldn’t deal with him right now. His response was to say ‘well you shouldn’t have stropped off then. I have no sympathy’

Luckily the bus came shortly thereafter and I was able to get home. When I got in, we rowed. DH told me I ‘deserved it’ and that I was ‘to blame’ because I am a woman and I shouldn’t be so stupid.

Without wanting to drip feed, three years ago, my drink was spiked in a club and I was date-raped. DH’s response at the time was to blame me for being drunk and to say ‘well, what do you expect when you put yourself in that position?’ (I had three glasses of wine and was with my best friend. The attacker dragged me out of the club when she was in the loo).

Today he has apologised and said he was drunk and a prick, but I just cannot see how I can stay married to him. AIBU?

This is so upsetting. Honestly, I think I'd have left after the rape comments. He's a horrible person. Tell your parents everything and let them look after you for a while. You're still dealing with the shock of the mugging too

He sounds despicable. There's no way back. Time for legal advice and getting paperwork & finances in order. This is no way to live and no way for your children to live.

Hope you are ok OP. What a terrible experience - and one only compounded by the man you should be able to count on for support.

His views sound appalling.
His relationship with your DD is worrying too.

Was his lack of support/misogyny/treatment of you really caused by drink? Or does drink just allow him to be his true self?

If he genuinely meant that he was sorry about his drunken attitudes/behaviour, then really he should have given up drinking - there and then. (If drink made you see him/treat him this badly, would you have done it again?)

It is easy to say LTB but harder to end things.

What needs to change - so that you can stay?
-He needs some serious re-education (on women and girls and on his own selfishness) and the will to change.
-It seems also that he has a serious alcohol problem - one that means he is unable to drink - just as if he were an alcoholic.

You deserve better OP. Well done for being so brave in writing this post, keep being brave- you can do this.

I had one of these. Could be loving and considerate and caring when sober, would accuse me of cheating on him/leading men on when he had had a drink. Absolute nonsense. And I hadn’t been through what you have. Fuck him, he doesn’t deserve you.

Another voice here OP saying you are worth it. Well done for realising what he’s like and for wanting to protect your daughter before she changes her personality because of him. Protect her from him.

Good luck op.

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been through such a terrible time. I think counselling might be good for you individually & together.

I've caught up on the thread, this man is vile, no excuses for his abusive behaviour.
I hope OP is ok today.

OP, so sorry he is like this. You deserve a lot better. He clearly had one rule for you and another for him. How dare you drink, but it's ok for him to regularly do it! So glad you have found the strength to leave, your daughter will thank you for this one day. She's clearly upset with the way he treats you. You deserve better, of your partner isn't there for support then what's the point?
Hope you have reported the mugging to the police (and the rape).

Set up a plan and get out tomorrow. So sorry you were mugged.

SosigDog Wed 17-Apr-19 09:38:00
Why is it disgusting to suggest people should consider their personal safety and not hang around isolated places in the dark!

Perhaps you would care to explain how I and millions of other women could stay in employment if we aren't even allowed to "hang around" a BUS STOP waiting for the bus after dark???!!!!

What you are envisaging is a society where women simply aren't part of ordinary adult life.

It's very easy to brush comments like this under the carpet as a one/two off. However, its systematic of a wider issue with his attitude to you (and from how you have described to women). Sadly you need to think about how this will impact both your children and you. Your partner should 100% be on your side when something like this happens without asking questions. I'm really sorry he is such a dick but please don't let him A) use alcohol as an excuse B) belittle you into thinking you should have to put up with his shitty drunken arguments C) let him victim blame you at all.

Good luck

He blamed you for being raped and mugged, your daughter can't stand him. Ffs op he's a piece of crap. Tell everyone you both know why your leaving too. He can't be allowed to play the woe is me card.

Your so called "D"H is a complete twat. He expects you to be a skivvy, blames you for other people's appalling behaviour and favours his son over his daughter.

I would dump him and run for the hills. I wouldn't have stayed after what he said after the first assault.

You and your children deserve far far better than this.

I'm glad you recognise that your 'D'H is vile and doesn't actually like you or women very much. It's not possible with attitudes like these, and you certainly don't want him passing them on to your son. Your little girl already seems to recognise him for who he is.

I hope you can leave safely with your children. He sounds like a horrible human being with an alcohol problem to boot. You don't need that in your life full time. Get out.

This thread has brought me to tears. You're so strong to have survived these things, let alone surviving these awful things with no support from a shit bag husband. I'm so sorry.

I was once drugged in a club, nothing happened but I was completely traumatised for a very long time. I felt like it was my fault and I had lots of support and people on my side.

It sounds a bit like he doesn't like you and sees your DD as similar to you and doesn't like her either. I wish you the best with your new life and hope you and your children the best.

I e seen a load of crap from @SosigDog elsewhere on mn always spouting shit like this. Ignore them op.

^Yep

Easily, the WORST post I have ever read on Mumsnet.

You got drugged and raped, and he blamed you? Are you serious? My mind is literally boggled at this. He must be a monster.

Did you report the rape?

I'm not sure that there is any way back from this. It's so frustrating when men let themselves down like this. I'm sure at some point that your relationship was perfect, or you wouldn't have married him. And he's now fucked it all up, by behaving like a total Fuckwit. It's so bizarre.

I think you need time apart. I hope you can confide in your parents, and have a proper chat when the kids are in bed.

What do the finances look like, could you easily separate and be ok money wise?

And an alcoholic, typically blaming others for his bad mood. Alanon may help you. He should try aa. Sorry for your trouble, best move on.

I didn't see Sosigdogs first post, but from her subsequent one's, I think she has a point. It is stupid to say "tell men not to rape", because as a society we already do this, and men still rape , so it would seem sensible for women to think of their safety.

She's obviously referring to the dark bus stop, not the rape (Op did not place herself in any danger by drinking in a pub, FFS).

There's a flasher here that hasn't been caught yet. He is always seen in the woods. As a woman, I should be able to walk my dogs through the woods safely, but, until he is caught I'm sticking to the path and avoiding the woods. Common sense, no?

I was scatterbrained as a child too. I grew up in an abusive household where we were all just waiting for tenderhooks for the abuse to start (often only took just one wrong move). Being Scatterbrained is often a stress reaction in kids.

There's a flasher here that hasn't been caught yet. He is always seen in the woods. As a woman, I should be able to walk my dogs through the woods safely, but, until he is caught I'm sticking to the path and avoiding the woods. Common sense, no? That would be more sensible... a known, immediate threat. It would indeed be wise to avoid the area until he is caught.

But bus stops are there to be used and, by Sosidog's logic, no woman should be near any of them after dark or she is simply 'asking for it'.

The difference is between normal life and a time of increased, specific threat!

Wineladyloveschardonnay so for half of society a dark bus stop is unusable? Can you not see how utterly ridiculous it is to give in to that level of fear? It means ACCEPTING that it's basically dangerous for a woman to be alone anywhere just in case - it's a horrific view of society and one we must all resist at every turn, surely?
OP I hope you're ok. You really don't need a man who values you so little.