He said I deserved it - how can we go on?

[isthistheendoftheroad]

Yesterday was DH’s birthday. We went out for the evening and had a lovely time. We took the tube home and as we were approaching the end of our journey, our chat moved on to our children (currently away with my parents). I brought up the fact our son (9yo) is scatterbrained and a bit helpless, and the fact I intend to change that. DH very much favours DS over DD (7); he is the easier child by far. He immediately started saying that I couldn’t expect DS to be organised when the house is untidy. This is a long-standing point of friction between us; DH works full time, whereas I work four days. He thinks I should keep an immaculate home as a result, despite the fact no-one ever tidies up their own mess, I usually work at least half of my non-working day and that I am heavily involved with the school. For the avoidance of doubt, our house is untidy, not dirty - I refuse to make myself a skivvy and pick up after them, but I will clean.

Anyway, after a few drinks, DH has form for getting angry to the point where I just cannot reason with him. This in turn leads to a miserable for me, and I usually make it worse because I try and defend myself (despite knowing this is a red rag to a bull). Last night, I just couldn’t face it, so when we came out of the tube station, I went off to get a bus, while he took a taxi home.

While I was waiting for the bus, at the deserted bus stop (at midnight), a man ran up behind me and tried to snatch my bag. The bag was a mini rucksack type, and I was holding the strap, so he couldn’t take it, but I was knocked to the
Ground and hurt my knee. My tights were ripped and I was bleeding. Not a serious injury by any measure, but scary and unsettling nonetheless.

All the time I was waiting for the bus, DH had been texting me, continuing the argument. I had been ignoring these messages. After the event, I responded saying someone had tried to mug me and I couldn’t deal with him right now. His response was to say ‘well you shouldn’t have stropped off then. I have no sympathy’

Luckily the bus came shortly thereafter and I was able to get home. When I got in, we rowed. DH told me I ‘deserved it’ and that I was ‘to blame’ because I am a woman and I shouldn’t be so stupid.

Without wanting to drip feed, three years ago, my drink was spiked in a club and I was date-raped. DH’s response at the time was to blame me for being drunk and to say ‘well, what do you expect when you put yourself in that position?’ (I had three glasses of wine and was with my best friend. The attacker dragged me out of the club when she was in the loo).

Today he has apologised and said he was drunk and a prick, but I just cannot see how I can stay married to him. AIBU?

Good luck for the future OP. Like everyone else, I think your husband is a prize cunt and I hope you find the strength to leave him. I've been there and made it and am in a much better place now than I ever thought possible.

I sorry for what you are going through - if a friend said these things to you what would you advise them to do - I bet it would be to leave- get legal advise and also safety advise some who treats you in such emotional abusive way may turn violent. Make sure you are safe and if he leaves the house he can't enter with out your say so etc.
It maybe you can save the relationship with a lot of work and therapy but by then you may not want to be in it anyhow. It can't be good for your children to be in such an atmostphere and while it will hurt long term it will be better. Wishing you strength and support for the road ahead

He is a total and utter cunt OP.

Leave him.

Your attitude implies that it’s ok for criminals to commit crimes in certain situations
Obviously it’s never ok to commit crimes. But even the police tell you not to walk alone in the dark or in isolated places. There’s a difference between excusing the crime and protecting yourself from it.

This has to get my first ever LTB, I'm truly disgusted with his behaviour. Please ensure your children don''t grow up believing that this is normal adult male behaviour....
for you....

Oh OP You sound like such a sensible strong person who has just turned around and realised while she thought she was making a life some twat has snuck up behind her and cut away the ladder underneath her, leaving you helpless. That's what he's done. He's lured you in, given you children and then shown you what an absolute, as someone above said, 'weapons grade cunt' he truly is.

But you're not helpless. You see through him, you see the pathetic little worm in the middle of his cloud of big man delusions. Good on you. He is nothing, and he will live a miserable lonely life because he only cares about himself.

Good luck with your future; please carry through; it's so easy in the cold light of day with the school run to do and a life in train to just let it slide, again, and then in a year or so it'll be something else and the roll-call of unforgiveably shitty things he's done to you (and your children) will get longer and longer, your self-esteem smaller and smaller, your sunk costs even bigger. It will become harder, not easier, to leave.

Don't let him do that to you. Think of the life and the relationships you want your daughter to have; and then show her how to do that. If you show her this, this is what she will know and what she will instinctively gravitate to in her own life. Show her better. Show her you. xxx

And yes @sosigdog FUCK OFF with that nonsense.

Please leave this cuntweasel. He’s a genuinely nasty sod and you and your dc deserve better

I’m so sorry. He is despicable.

I hope you can get some peace at your parents’ house and get well looked after there.

If by any chance either of your parents say you should stay together for the sake of your children/for better for worse etc, don’t let that make you doubt your resolve. (Of course this is probably the last thing they’d say — just mentioning it in case.)

Do post in the Relationships board too. I found people there an immeasurable support when leaving my awful ex.

OP it's not just you he doesn't like/love. I agree that he's a cunt that appears to hate all women and girls. Well done for taking the first step away from him. Take inspiration from your daughter, you're both stronger than you know.

I'm so sorry, you don't deserve to be treated this way. You didn't deserve either attack. How awful for you xxx

My lovely friend walked away from her fiancée she had bought a house with because she had a car accident and instead of checking if she was ok he ran out to check the car and ranted at her. She left the the next day. These men are not fit to be in relationships no woman deserves this treatment

Obviously it’s never ok to commit crimes. But even the police tell you not to walk alone in the dark or in isolated places

Just because the police, the bastion of equality , say that, it doesn’t make it right!

I hope you're feeling OK this morning OP and not too battered and bruised, it must have been terrifying.

As for your DH, isn't he supposed to have your back? My DH and I don't always get on, in fact there are times we'd both say we love each other but don't always like each other. But, and this is a big but, he always has my back and I always have his. It is completely unconditional.

The fact he hasn't..... you're worth better, and you know it .

I'm speechless at this horrible person, leave you deserve better. (Can't describe as a man)

If your daughter has that attitude towards him, then there has to be a lot more day to day disrespect going on in your household. Now your eyes have been opened you'll probably realise a lot more behaviour, which you considered normal, really isn't.

although saying that, sometimes when people know they are in the wrong and feel guilty, they go on the defensive and attack. But this isn't right. He should have learned his lesson the first time round.

@sosigdog just says disgusting things to be controversial.

I was just about to write this too @mememeplease

Your husband will start to turn this toxic attitude into your daughter - which to be frank - it seems he’s doing already for her to behave in such a way towards him. Who would blame her?

It’s important to stop this happening. Don’t let her grow up with this. Or indeed your son, as it will damage them both in different ways.

And for you, well I have nothing to write that hasn’t been said here already. I wish you a lot of luck and please keep strong because people like him are generally very good at eroding your resolve and self esteem especially after you try to break free. You deserve happiness and to be treasured by your husband not insulted and treated with contempt. He is a waste of the rest of your life. 💐

@coronapop are you for real?

The marriage is dead because he cannot treat her with love and respect.

What a fucking dick. OP I hope you are ok, I went through an attempted mugging, ut knock my confidence for months.
If you can find a way to forgive him, employ a house keeper out of his pay.
What a horrible attitude he has.

He is vile and you deserve someone who treats you with love and compassion. I'm so sorry you've had to endure him for so long, let alone all the terrible things that have happened to you in that time that he didn't support you through. Leave him today and never look back. I wish you and your children all the happiness for the future