He said I deserved it - how can we go on?

[isthistheendoftheroad]

Yesterday was DH’s birthday. We went out for the evening and had a lovely time. We took the tube home and as we were approaching the end of our journey, our chat moved on to our children (currently away with my parents). I brought up the fact our son (9yo) is scatterbrained and a bit helpless, and the fact I intend to change that. DH very much favours DS over DD (7); he is the easier child by far. He immediately started saying that I couldn’t expect DS to be organised when the house is untidy. This is a long-standing point of friction between us; DH works full time, whereas I work four days. He thinks I should keep an immaculate home as a result, despite the fact no-one ever tidies up their own mess, I usually work at least half of my non-working day and that I am heavily involved with the school. For the avoidance of doubt, our house is untidy, not dirty - I refuse to make myself a skivvy and pick up after them, but I will clean.

Anyway, after a few drinks, DH has form for getting angry to the point where I just cannot reason with him. This in turn leads to a miserable for me, and I usually make it worse because I try and defend myself (despite knowing this is a red rag to a bull). Last night, I just couldn’t face it, so when we came out of the tube station, I went off to get a bus, while he took a taxi home.

While I was waiting for the bus, at the deserted bus stop (at midnight), a man ran up behind me and tried to snatch my bag. The bag was a mini rucksack type, and I was holding the strap, so he couldn’t take it, but I was knocked to the
Ground and hurt my knee. My tights were ripped and I was bleeding. Not a serious injury by any measure, but scary and unsettling nonetheless.

All the time I was waiting for the bus, DH had been texting me, continuing the argument. I had been ignoring these messages. After the event, I responded saying someone had tried to mug me and I couldn’t deal with him right now. His response was to say ‘well you shouldn’t have stropped off then. I have no sympathy’

Luckily the bus came shortly thereafter and I was able to get home. When I got in, we rowed. DH told me I ‘deserved it’ and that I was ‘to blame’ because I am a woman and I shouldn’t be so stupid.

Without wanting to drip feed, three years ago, my drink was spiked in a club and I was date-raped. DH’s response at the time was to blame me for being drunk and to say ‘well, what do you expect when you put yourself in that position?’ (I had three glasses of wine and was with my best friend. The attacker dragged me out of the club when she was in the loo).

Today he has apologised and said he was drunk and a prick, but I just cannot see how I can stay married to him. AIBU?

Wow,he doesn't really understand the concept of partnership in a relationship does he?

I've just realised how pathetic it is that my seven year old is a better judge of character than me.

Just adding to the chorus of voices saying what am absolute twat.

I'm so sorry for you. You've had a terrible time with no love and support to help you heal. I would be desperately hurt and angry. It shows how little he's going to support your daughter in life too, doesn't it? Plus the example of manhood he's modelling for your son.
I wouldn't stay in that relationship. You deserve so much better. Best of luck.

Reading this was awful. When the row was about an untidy house I was going to say tell him to tidy his own bloody house. Then it went on that he had no sympathy for you getting injured when someone tried to steal your bag. At this point I thought your husband was a nasty bastard. But then you said he blamed you for someone raping you....I really don't know what to say. I'm sorry that happened to you. I can't imagine how it would feel for your husband to blame you for this. Please leave him. Hes disgusting and you deserve much better.

Thank you for all your responses. I am going to go and stay with my parents from tomorrow.

His comments after the rape were hard enough to cope with, but this proves it wasn't clumsy wording. He really does think I deserve bad things happening to me.

Such a waste. I loved him so much. But he's not who I thought he was.

I hope reading through these responses has given you a different perspective and you can make plans accordingly. He is horrible and an awful example to your children.

And you're all right. This is no example for the kids. They deserve a lot better.

I really feel for you. What a horrid unfeeling man. What you choose to do about him is up to you of course but, from experience, I know how being with someone of this ilk causes much angst. I am now free and feel so much better. Good luck whatever path you take.

You don't deserve bad things happening to you, you do deserve so much better than him

I'm so so sorry that you didn't get support from him and I hope him blaming you didn't stop you from seeking justice and/or support from anywhere else.

Oh wow I am disgusted at reading that. How could your husband blame you when you were raped. Horrifying victim blaming.
You deserve better OP.

Have my first ever LTB. I would have after being told I deserved to be raped. I've been there, and fortunately my partner was nothing but sympathetic. You deserved so much better from him than that, and I hope last night has made you realise he hasn't changed, and won't either. It wasn't your fault, and I hope you know that.

I would've left him after the rape comment.

If you don't do it for him,do it for your kids. He likes DS not only because he's a boy but because he's malleable and he can mould him in his image. He already started with him"not being able to pick up after himself" so you have to do it. Your son will grow up to be like him. Your daughter will end up hurt,emotionally of not worse due to his dislike of her. He will try to break her spirit
Mjust like he did with yours.

Glad to read you are going to stay at your parents tomorrow. You need to get yourself and your children away from him.
Other posters have already said what I was going to say about your husband.

It will be a long road ahead but you CAN do it (leaving him). And it won't feel right for a while. You will grieve for the relationship you should have had and could have had.

But you sound STRONG and you know deep down it's the right thing to do - you don't want your son growing up thinking that's how men treat and talk to women and you don't want your daughter growing up thinking that's how women should be treated by men (it sounds like she's got him sussed already anyhow!) Never forget that fact.

I'm sorry you're going through all this right now but you'll come out the other side even stronger, I guarantee it

I'm sorry for all that you have been through. You deserve better than this, and he is no role model for children. Your daughter is 7 and this is what she sees? He is a selfish nasty excuse for a human being. You deserve love and hugs and to be respected.

I may have thought you should shoulder more responsibility for housework until i read your comments regarding your attacks.
No.
I’d have left after the disgusting comments about the daterape.
This man should be your biggest supporter, not your enemy.
You could have been drunk off your face and he should still have taken your side.
This is not a role model for your daughter.
If anything happened to her would he blame her too?
What is he teaching your son?
You and both your kids deserve better.

Yanbu

I would not be happy. Why doesn't he compress his hours or cut back on work to make time to clean and tidy? If he has higher standard then he has to make more of an effort, obviously you would all have to take more care to not leave things untidy, but he takes the lead on this matter.

Those are awful comments your husband said to you. I'm very sorry about your assaults. I would find it very difficult to stay with someone who said that to me. Remember your children are always watching you.

Christ, I'm surprised you didn't throw him out after his comments 3 years ago. Leaving him will set a good example to both of your children - they will learn that sort of behaviour is not acceptable in a healthy relationship. I hope you feel better soon.

You poor thing. He should be looking after you not being so disgusting. I hope you can move on from him happy in the knowledge that you're doing the right thing leaving.

Op you know it’s not right and you and your children deserve a better life than this. Question is are you ready to move on and are you brave enough to try?

His behaviour on both occasions is inexcusable. He’s an awful man.

You were raped an he said "what do you expect"?? WTAF.

I don't know how you moved on from that one to be honest.

Most DHs would have gone down for murder if that had have happened to their wives.

What a complete fuckwit. I don't think I could get past either of those.

I hope you are OK. I think you are doing the right thing going to your parents. You will get support there, and hopefully it will give you the space to think about your next move ( likely to be dumping his sorry arse).

Just awful. So glad you are now with your parents and I hope they are supporting you as you need.
I LTB five years ago and wish I'd done it earlier. I didn't want my DD, now 11, to think this was how good marriages operated. She is calm, healthy, happy at school and flourishing.
All the best to you and your children.