He said I deserved it - how can we go on?

[isthistheendoftheroad]

Yesterday was DH’s birthday. We went out for the evening and had a lovely time. We took the tube home and as we were approaching the end of our journey, our chat moved on to our children (currently away with my parents). I brought up the fact our son (9yo) is scatterbrained and a bit helpless, and the fact I intend to change that. DH very much favours DS over DD (7); he is the easier child by far. He immediately started saying that I couldn’t expect DS to be organised when the house is untidy. This is a long-standing point of friction between us; DH works full time, whereas I work four days. He thinks I should keep an immaculate home as a result, despite the fact no-one ever tidies up their own mess, I usually work at least half of my non-working day and that I am heavily involved with the school. For the avoidance of doubt, our house is untidy, not dirty - I refuse to make myself a skivvy and pick up after them, but I will clean.

Anyway, after a few drinks, DH has form for getting angry to the point where I just cannot reason with him. This in turn leads to a miserable for me, and I usually make it worse because I try and defend myself (despite knowing this is a red rag to a bull). Last night, I just couldn’t face it, so when we came out of the tube station, I went off to get a bus, while he took a taxi home.

While I was waiting for the bus, at the deserted bus stop (at midnight), a man ran up behind me and tried to snatch my bag. The bag was a mini rucksack type, and I was holding the strap, so he couldn’t take it, but I was knocked to the
Ground and hurt my knee. My tights were ripped and I was bleeding. Not a serious injury by any measure, but scary and unsettling nonetheless.

All the time I was waiting for the bus, DH had been texting me, continuing the argument. I had been ignoring these messages. After the event, I responded saying someone had tried to mug me and I couldn’t deal with him right now. His response was to say ‘well you shouldn’t have stropped off then. I have no sympathy’

Luckily the bus came shortly thereafter and I was able to get home. When I got in, we rowed. DH told me I ‘deserved it’ and that I was ‘to blame’ because I am a woman and I shouldn’t be so stupid.

Without wanting to drip feed, three years ago, my drink was spiked in a club and I was date-raped. DH’s response at the time was to blame me for being drunk and to say ‘well, what do you expect when you put yourself in that position?’ (I had three glasses of wine and was with my best friend. The attacker dragged me out of the club when she was in the loo).

Today he has apologised and said he was drunk and a prick, but I just cannot see how I can stay married to him. AIBU?

No matter what the argument was about, if my DP had been assaulted (the mugging) you drop everything and make sure they are fucking safe.
As for the date rape blame, it's inexcusable and you are not to blame at all. As someone said, he's excuses it because he would probably do the same. Please leave him

Please leave him OP. But protect yourself first. Get copies of bank statements, kids’ passports, mortgage details etc. Get legal advice before he knows you’re thinking of doing it. Be on the front foot.

It’s clear he doesn’t like you. You won’t be able to trust him to act honourably in any divorce proceedings.

Nice bit of victim blaming from your husband there. You didn’t deserve either of these attacks! Even if you were drunk running around the street naked you still have asked to be raped. You didn’t put yourself in a dangerous position in either of these circumstances, the people who are in the wrong were the people who committed the crime.
I’m sick of reading that woman can’t drink because someone may rape them, that they must be surrounded by men so someone won’t mug them.

If your DD married someone like your DH would you be happy with her choice? If your DS becomes a person like your DH would you be proud of the person he is? If the answer is no to this then you kind of have your own answer. It won’t be easy to leave him if that’s what you decide to do but you’ll feel better about it in time.

for you

Poor you OP .

What’s he like when he’s not drunk?

Wow hes an ass.

He sounds really emotionally detached. If something bad happened to someone you loved your first natural thought and feeling would be worry and fear. There is something hugely not right about his reaction. Also for your daughter to not even interact with him, she knows she knows hes not a nice person.

I suspect your leave him and then and only then will you really realise how badly hes treated you and your children. Sometimes we get very court up in the moment, its not until we leave and are able to look in that we really realise how bloody bad it was.

If it get to the point that you choice to leave and divorce, good luck cos he will hate it. Thats when your see his true colours come out "how dare you leave me"

His comments have actually made my blood run cold.

And to be honest those alone show he is not worthy a relationship with you, or any other female.

His treatment of you day to day, expecting the house to be 'spotless' without actually deigning to do his fair share also speak volumes. He is a mysogynistic piece of crap and you deserve so much better.

He does not deserve to be with any woman until he can treat them with any kind of respect.

Hope you are not too battered and bruised. I haven't read the whole thread but have you reported the attempted mugging to the police?

Please get your ducks in a row and leave this vile man.

Why is it disgusting to suggest people should consider their personal safety and not hang around isolated places in the dark! Of course it’s not the victim’s fault, but it’s sensible to avoid putting yourself at risk if possible. Regardless of whether you’re male or female.

Sorry, just read you are planning to stay with your parents. Please do!!!

How are things this morning? Don't let him worm his way out of this. His comments were utterly vile and unforgivable.

I actually had tears in my eyes when you recounted his comments about the date rape. You poor thing

Everyone else has said what I was going to say. I'm so glad you're going to your parents. Your children obviously have your husband sussed out and you sound like an incredibly strong and brave woman to have gone through what you have and still be standing.

You've got this

@Coronapop

Any husband who reacts like that to his wife being mugged is a despicable human being. BUT he was drunk. Maybe you should both give up alcohol if you want the marriage to survive.

ODFOD. My husband is giggly and funny and tells shit jokes when he's pissed; he doesn't tell me it's own fault I have been raped and assaulted.

What an ignorant remark.

@SosigDog

FFS will you just fucking BORE OFF!

His lack of love and concern last night was dreadful but hearing of his lack of compassion after your rape is utterly unforgivable! I'd have left him then!
I hope you can get away to your parent's house and have some time to get your thoughts straight

@Coronapop

Any husband who reacts like that to his wife being mugged is a despicable human being. BUT he was drunk. Maybe you should both give up alcohol if you want the marriage to survive.

ODFOD. My husband is giggly and funny and tells shit jokes when he's pissed; he doesn't tell me it's own my fault I have been raped and assaulted.

What an ignorant remark.

@SosigDog

FFS will you just fucking BORE OFF!

Why is it disgusting to suggest people should consider their personal safety and not hang around isolated places in the dark! Hang around = wait for a bus? And you insinuated that OP was at fault, to blame... that is what is disgusting

Of course it’s not the victim’s fault, but it’s sensible to avoid putting yourself at risk if possible. That risk is simply going about your normal business?

Regardless of whether you’re male or female. Oh, of course. The vast majority of violent crimes are committed by men. Why not keep all men indoors permanently? That would solve almost every crime going.

Wow. I am a champion of working it out where possible, but even I'm reading this and just thinking 'LTB'. He has no respect for you and tbh it doesn't sound like he loves you very much either. Fuck, what a horrible, heartless, cruel response to you getting mugged. What a nasty fucker. I wouldn't be able to get over that.

Please tell all his friends and family that you are leaving him because when you told him you had been mugged he said it was your fault and you deserved it. It is a great opportunity to let him see himself in the mirror of other people’s utter contempt.

Please leave him, he is a disgusting man who quite clearly doesn’t give a shit about you.

Hope you are ok x

Sosigdog what on earth are you talking about, you say that your not victim blaming and yet time and time again you posts are deleted on threads like this.

I hope you are safe and OK op.

I’d have been gone after his comments about the rape. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through

To answer your question- you can't go on from here.
As often said on here, get your paperwork copied, ( bank statements, credit card bills, pay slips/P60, ) Birth Certificates and passports, treasured items and Leave.
Use your day away from work to seek legal advice.
Tell everyone why you are leaving him, drunken behaviour, misogny, lack of suport at home, constant critism, behaviour towards you and your daughter, response to attacks on you. Don't let him take the moral high ground.
If anyone tries to persuade you to go to couselling - separate no joint counselling with an abuser. There is a book about abusive men- Lindy Bancroft I think.

I’m amazed at how long it took for the good old “women should stop putting themselves at risk, drinking and dressing provocatively” bullshit to raise its head on a thread like this. I can not believe that anyone STILL thinks that fault would ever lie with the person who had the crime committed against them. If victims are expected to somehow prevent these crimes by dressing differently or changing their behaviour, why the ever living fuck are the attackers not expected to prevent them by NOT FUCKING DOING IT?! Side note: I do know that not all rapes, muggings, attacks in bus stops etc are exclusively committed by men towards women, but a large number are.

OP I hope you’ve managed to find some clarity and you’re able to get away from this absolute cock end. Your DD sounds like a brilliant young lady- be more DD!

I feel for you OP he sounds completely dreadful. Its easy to say just leave him (and that's the advice I would give as he clearly has little respect of love for you given his behaviour) but its so hard when children are involved. I find it worrying that he favours one child over the other too- how sad for your DD. You need someone kind who will treat you as they should

So sorry that happened to you, and the previous incident.
Your H is an utter bastard and I'm glad your eyes have been truly opened to how little he actually cares for and about you.
I hope that your parents are supportive and you manage to get all the info you need before you leave the house, because you may not find it afterwards.

Don't fall for any sobbing and pleading (although to be fair he doesn't sound the type) - just tell him that his attitudes show very clearly how little he thinks about you and therefore you're leaving him as you deserve better from life, whatever HE might think about it.

Glad your DD sees through him - hope your DS can too.

Read all 11 pages getting increasingly worried no word from OP this morning but hopefully she is just getting her things together to set off. Pray this wanker is at work so she can get the kids and go, sort out the house etc later.

Maybe Sosig and Corona can have a nice weekend together where they don't go outside or drink just in case one attacks the other.

You should have left him after he blamed you for being raped.

Just tell him today that your relationship is over and that you are divorcing. Go and make an appointment to see a solicitor today please.Tell your parents and friends that you are splitting up as well and get some support.
Hes a complete pig OP and he wont get any better.