He said I deserved it - how can we go on?

[isthistheendoftheroad]

Yesterday was DH’s birthday. We went out for the evening and had a lovely time. We took the tube home and as we were approaching the end of our journey, our chat moved on to our children (currently away with my parents). I brought up the fact our son (9yo) is scatterbrained and a bit helpless, and the fact I intend to change that. DH very much favours DS over DD (7); he is the easier child by far. He immediately started saying that I couldn’t expect DS to be organised when the house is untidy. This is a long-standing point of friction between us; DH works full time, whereas I work four days. He thinks I should keep an immaculate home as a result, despite the fact no-one ever tidies up their own mess, I usually work at least half of my non-working day and that I am heavily involved with the school. For the avoidance of doubt, our house is untidy, not dirty - I refuse to make myself a skivvy and pick up after them, but I will clean.

Anyway, after a few drinks, DH has form for getting angry to the point where I just cannot reason with him. This in turn leads to a miserable for me, and I usually make it worse because I try and defend myself (despite knowing this is a red rag to a bull). Last night, I just couldn’t face it, so when we came out of the tube station, I went off to get a bus, while he took a taxi home.

While I was waiting for the bus, at the deserted bus stop (at midnight), a man ran up behind me and tried to snatch my bag. The bag was a mini rucksack type, and I was holding the strap, so he couldn’t take it, but I was knocked to the
Ground and hurt my knee. My tights were ripped and I was bleeding. Not a serious injury by any measure, but scary and unsettling nonetheless.

All the time I was waiting for the bus, DH had been texting me, continuing the argument. I had been ignoring these messages. After the event, I responded saying someone had tried to mug me and I couldn’t deal with him right now. His response was to say ‘well you shouldn’t have stropped off then. I have no sympathy’

Luckily the bus came shortly thereafter and I was able to get home. When I got in, we rowed. DH told me I ‘deserved it’ and that I was ‘to blame’ because I am a woman and I shouldn’t be so stupid.

Without wanting to drip feed, three years ago, my drink was spiked in a club and I was date-raped. DH’s response at the time was to blame me for being drunk and to say ‘well, what do you expect when you put yourself in that position?’ (I had three glasses of wine and was with my best friend. The attacker dragged me out of the club when she was in the loo).

Today he has apologised and said he was drunk and a prick, but I just cannot see how I can stay married to him. AIBU?

Nope. His attitude is disgusting and you deserved neither of those things or his horrible attitude towards you and the kids. He sounds vile

Your husband is a wanker.

No, you aren't. Both of those are entirely worthy of divorce. As is just being a prick in general or that you don't want to be married anymore, but blaming you for other people's disgusting actions? Bye.

What an absolute fuckhole. for you OP.
Yes, it's the end of the road. What a bastard to blame you for two things that were not your fault. The first was unforgivable and would have been a dealbreaker but I know how those kind of comments get excused in relationships as we try to see the bigger picture and minimise the shit. It's never good but I suspect most of us have done it before something else happens and you have your lightbulb moment.
Please leave him. He's a grade A prick and you did not deserve any of that. How dare he suggest you did Contemptuous cock.

Your husband is a cunt.

Hope you are okay

Your husband is just awful.
I’m not one for encouraging marriage splits but I would honestly leave him over this. I would have left him after the date rape tbh.
Just awful.

I’m so sorry you’ve been through all this I hope you’re ok

Well, he’s certainly made it clear how he thinks about you. There’s no way I could remain with them. I can’t believe he blamed you - what a nasty prick.

Be with someone who loves and respects you

Well of course he wants you to be responsible for nasty shitheads because he's one.

Is all male violence your fault?

What the honest fuck. First of all, his attitude about you being in charge of the housework because you "only" work four days a week is bullshit. It's nuts. Second, his attitude about you being mugged is horrifying. The moment you were hurt was the time for him to come to your aid and beg for forgiveness. He should be grateful that his precious love is alive and safe and that is the only thing that matters.

That’s shocking behaviour from your h. What an absolute bastard!
I couldn’t move on from that at all. He also sounds like a sexist prick. How dare he suggest that just because you’re a woman you have to clean and tidy when you’re working too. I’m seething on your behalf 😤

Fucking disgusting. He doesn't even like you- im so sorry. Please get away from him.

This is a situation that will recur - him being an unsupportive and nasty dick, not you being attacked by strangers which is AWFUL. He should have your back and that means inside the home too, as a team.

Honestly, I wouldn’t have gotten over him blaming me for being raped. I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through such an horrific event, then being mentally abused by the person that should have been your support. In my opinion blaming a woman for being raped is a form of mental abuse.

I think that him blaming you for the attempted mugging has reopened the previous wounds. No amount of drink would make a decent man blame a woman for either incident. Where you go from here is up to you, but if my husband had ever blamed me for the abuse I had suffered in the past, I could never trust him or love him again. The pain would be too much. 💐

The shitty comments over the date rape, he excused as a response to his feeling bad because he couldn't protect me. But he still thinks I made myself vulnerable by drinking. Needless to say, he drinks to the point of incoherency with some regularity.

I just feel that if you can't rely on your husband to be on your side when you've been attacked, you may as well go it alone.

We do get on very well, most of the time, but he is a Jekyll and Hyde character, especially where alcohol is concerned, and I find the unpredictability utterly exhausting these days (we've been married 9 years).

I'm speechless. What a cunt!

He's a vile human and doesn't deserve you - or anyone for that matter. He's also a terrible role model for your DS. I can't see how you can move forward with someone like this, especially as he has form for this type of attitude. My thoughts are with you OP.

God, OriginalLEM, you've hit the nail on the head. He often says to me 'I love you, but I don't like you'.

Of course, he doesn't love me either, but you're right - he doesn't like me.

The thing I keep thinking is: I wouldn't treat someone I actively dislike so badly. It's a sobering thought, and it makes me very sad.

Jesus, what an utter cunt

OP, I'm so sorry that you've been through this, what an awful thing to happen. And then to have someone try to mug you at the bus stop too!

I hope you realise that your DH is a truly horrible person. I am seething with rage just from reading your post. How can he treat you so badly? Please, please listen to posters telling you what a wanker he is and get away from him. You deserve so much better and you will find it after you cut lose this horrible turd of a man xx

This is horrifying! If my DH had been texted that I was almost mugged he'd be beside himself with concern for me OP! As would ANY normal person.

And why is he expecting you to do all the housework!?? What a wanker! He sounds disgusting and vile!

I'm sorry OP I don't mean to sound dramatic but reading the last part of your OP I actually had tears in my eyes. I'm so sorry for what you went through and that creature (I can't call him a man) doesn't deserve you.

He is a disgusting human being. Blaming the victim!! I’m pretty certain what his response would be if his daughter was raped. He’s blame her outfit, her drinking, etc. Leave him. He is awful and I would never be able to get past it either.

He treats you horribly and you should see if he is willing to accept professional help to change or think carefully about spending your life with this man.

But this part stood out to me the most DH very much favours DS over DD (7) how is he going to treat your daughter when she needs any help or support? How has his treating her as less than her brother (for being a girl?) already damaged her self esteem and confidence? I think that could be your real problem...

It's not enough that he expects you to be a skivvy, he's a rape apologist, too.

He's awful. You deserve better. I am so sorry.

coffeeandrainbows his problem with DD is that she won't kowtow to him and basically despises him because of how he speaks to me (she adores me). She doesn't pay the slightest heed to him - she rarely even responds when he speaks to her these days, which is sad, but I'm loth to encourage her. She has bags of confidence and self-respect; she could teach me a thing or two! I've done something right, I think.