He said I deserved it - how can we go on?

[isthistheendoftheroad]

Yesterday was DH’s birthday. We went out for the evening and had a lovely time. We took the tube home and as we were approaching the end of our journey, our chat moved on to our children (currently away with my parents). I brought up the fact our son (9yo) is scatterbrained and a bit helpless, and the fact I intend to change that. DH very much favours DS over DD (7); he is the easier child by far. He immediately started saying that I couldn’t expect DS to be organised when the house is untidy. This is a long-standing point of friction between us; DH works full time, whereas I work four days. He thinks I should keep an immaculate home as a result, despite the fact no-one ever tidies up their own mess, I usually work at least half of my non-working day and that I am heavily involved with the school. For the avoidance of doubt, our house is untidy, not dirty - I refuse to make myself a skivvy and pick up after them, but I will clean.

Anyway, after a few drinks, DH has form for getting angry to the point where I just cannot reason with him. This in turn leads to a miserable for me, and I usually make it worse because I try and defend myself (despite knowing this is a red rag to a bull). Last night, I just couldn’t face it, so when we came out of the tube station, I went off to get a bus, while he took a taxi home.

While I was waiting for the bus, at the deserted bus stop (at midnight), a man ran up behind me and tried to snatch my bag. The bag was a mini rucksack type, and I was holding the strap, so he couldn’t take it, but I was knocked to the
Ground and hurt my knee. My tights were ripped and I was bleeding. Not a serious injury by any measure, but scary and unsettling nonetheless.

All the time I was waiting for the bus, DH had been texting me, continuing the argument. I had been ignoring these messages. After the event, I responded saying someone had tried to mug me and I couldn’t deal with him right now. His response was to say ‘well you shouldn’t have stropped off then. I have no sympathy’

Luckily the bus came shortly thereafter and I was able to get home. When I got in, we rowed. DH told me I ‘deserved it’ and that I was ‘to blame’ because I am a woman and I shouldn’t be so stupid.

Without wanting to drip feed, three years ago, my drink was spiked in a club and I was date-raped. DH’s response at the time was to blame me for being drunk and to say ‘well, what do you expect when you put yourself in that position?’ (I had three glasses of wine and was with my best friend. The attacker dragged me out of the club when she was in the loo).

Today he has apologised and said he was drunk and a prick, but I just cannot see how I can stay married to him. AIBU?

How awful for you. Your husband sounds like he is very immature.
You have two options, either walk away now or try and salvage your marriage by getting your husband to agree to attend marriage counselling with you.
I realise that this is very upsetting for you but the only way to resolve the situation is for you to take charge. He seems to think that he can control you by being insensitive and rude. Wrong! He is being a bully.
Depending on what you want to do, set out some clear conditions on which you are willing to stay Also ask him directly if he wants the marriage to continue. If he says yes, think carefully whether you want the same. Not just for the sake of your children but do you really want to work on your marriage to make it last. If your answer is yes, then drag him to marriage counselling, even if he is reluctant.
If you feel that there is absolutely no way the marriage can continue and your husband is unwilling to cooperate, then you know that despite how much it hurts, you will be happier without him.

You can't go on. He's horrible, ltb.

I was mugged quite violently and onlookers and the police were so much kinder than my partner. He almost seemed annoyed with me. I excused him at the time because I thought he couldn’t cope with his feelings because he couldn’t protect me. And stayed with him despite feeling let down. Well let me tell you, I have been let down many more times since then. If I am strong and supportive and successful then things tick along, but the moment I have ever asked for help from him in any shape or form, he turns away, is defensive or angry. He needs me to look after him and can’t cope with any change in the dynamic. I wish I could leave, I hope to, but I just mention this as a warning because it sounds like your husband has issues too. My partner is also nasty and argumentative after drinking. There is a better life out there for both of us. Good luck.

but I just cannot see how I can stay married to him.

You can’t! 💐

sosigDog are you really saying that very woman who works late shifts and gets a bus home instead of getting OHs out of bed (should they even have an OH, or a car) deserves to be raped, mugged?

Who knew that using public transport was such a self destructive act?

Victim blaming shows a great lack of insight, maybe re-read what you posted and work out why you are getting these replies.

Hint: women are not responsible for what men do (to paraphrase an excellent list)

Leave this man he does not deserve you.

Neither you or your children will struggle without this repugnant man in your life daily. However, if your children continue to witness how he speaks and treats you, it will affect their behaviour.

You are stronger than you know, to have endured the rape and still have held your life together. Good luck moving forward, you deserve happiness.

What a nasty little cunt he is. Im sorry OP, you deserve far better. It would be far better for you and the children to be away from this toxic person.

As for house tidying...what did he ever do? He sounds like an lazy, little shit who thinks you (and most likely ever other woman) is beneath him. That's probably why he dislikes your dd standing up to him too.

Sosigdog
That is a disgusting thing to say, victim blaming.

OP , you know you need to leave. He's a total dick.

Been there , done that. All fine now.

Good luck. 💐

Nobody ever deserves the ordeals you have been through and I couldn't be with someone who didn't understand that.

I’m genuinely shocked he is a first class cunt.

And yet Sosig, you are victim-blaming, just like the OP’s husband did?

I am so sorry that you've had these awful experiences. It's bad enough to go through that but to then have the man who is supposed to love, cherish and support you, kick you when you are down, is just hideous.

Its very easy for us to shout LTB from behind our screens, and so much harder for you to do, I know. All I can say is that life is so much easier without being shackled to a man that loathes you and wants to tear you down, even if he masks it much of the time.

It'll take time to move on and heal, but that time will pass anyway - just play the long game and focus on how you'll feel in 5 years still married to this piece vs a life where he barely features and his words and anger no longer hurt you.

@TulipFever some people are just idiotic

You've previously been the victim of a rape yet your husband was happy to leave you in the street waiting on a bus at midnight whilst he pissed off home in a taxi? Wow.

LTB for the many reasons you've stated. Not least the contempt he clearly treats you with.

You can do so much better than this.

Sosigdog what a horrible thing to say.
So should a single female who can't afford a taxi not go out past, what, 6pm incase a nasty man hurts her ?
OP, your husband is a misogynist prick.
He has blamed you for being raped and mugged and he favours your son over your daughter.
Do you want your daughter to grow up feeling she is a lesser person than her brother and deserves everything men decide to do to her.
I would be walking away from this marriage, you deserve so much better.

You must leave him, for all the reasons above. Did you report the rape? I ask because you keep referring to it as date-rape but that’s not what it was and, like a pp I wonder if you are trying to minimise what happened. It was 3 years ago and your kids are older than that so presumably you were not on a date with your attacker. Date rape is when someone you are involved with forces you to have sex without your consent. This was an attack by a stranger in a club by the sounds of it.

Omg your DH is a c**t!

Why are you with him OP? He abuses you over the housework and treats you like a skivvy, but the worst is you were robbed and he showed no concern at all??

Im actually shocked and not much shocks me.

I don’t see how you could go on having any sort of relationship with this nasty scumbag.

Op how very frightening for you and I’m so so sorry about your past experiences. Your husband is a first class cunt (and I never use that word), tell him to leave. To leave today.the thing you deserve is not to have to deal with this evil, rapist excuser fucking wanker.

I’m actually so angry for you that you have to have a twat like this in your life. His behaviour is so far off the acceptable scale it’s unbelievable. Limit contact as much as possible. You need to protect your children from their evil father as much as possible.

Sosigdog wtf? You sound like you are cut from the same cloth as the OP’s husband!

Your DH is a weapons-grade cunt How fucking dare he?!!
And this part of your OP: This in turn leads to a miserable for me, and I usually make it worse because I try and defend myself (despite knowing this is a red rag to a bull). is really worrying.
So you have an argument (like all couples do) but you feel you can’t defend yourself because he then attacks you further? That isn’t a relationship. That is a dictatorship and creeping into emotional abuse territory
I’m never one to immediately jump onto the “leave the bastard” bandwagon but honestly this man sounds like he’s making your life miserable, and no one deserves that. You say he favours DS over DD - does he make that obvious to your DD? If he can’t even manage to offer his own wife a shred of support, love of solidarity after an attempted mugging and a previous rape (again so sorry that happened to you), how the fuck is he going to support or parent his own daughter properly?

OP please don't listen to the nonsense spouted by @SosigDog .

I'm so sorry you were raped, and didn't get the support you should have done from your husband. He is truly awful, and you deserve so much better as do your children.

Way to support the OP saugig. Nice.
Op it's easy to sit here and say he's a total shitbag and you deserve better, so much better and so do your kids. It's never that easy to see this from the inside but both statements are 100% true.
You really need to consider your options with regards to this (non) relationship, someone who loves and cares for another person does not behave and treat them like you're husband is treating you. He behaves like he doesn't even like you.

Oh and that was mu toned down version my first thought was to cut off his balls!