Yesterday was DH’s birthday. We went out for the evening and had a lovely time. We took the tube home and as we were approaching the end of our journey, our chat moved on to our children (currently away with my parents). I brought up the fact our son (9yo) is scatterbrained and a bit helpless, and the fact I intend to change that. DH very much favours DS over DD (7); he is the easier child by far. He immediately started saying that I couldn’t expect DS to be organised when the house is untidy. This is a long-standing point of friction between us; DH works full time, whereas I work four days. He thinks I should keep an immaculate home as a result, despite the fact no-one ever tidies up their own mess, I usually work at least half of my non-working day and that I am heavily involved with the school. For the avoidance of doubt, our house is untidy, not dirty - I refuse to make myself a skivvy and pick up after them, but I will clean.
Anyway, after a few drinks, DH has form for getting angry to the point where I just cannot reason with him. This in turn leads to a miserable for me, and I usually make it worse because I try and defend myself (despite knowing this is a red rag to a bull). Last night, I just couldn’t face it, so when we came out of the tube station, I went off to get a bus, while he took a taxi home.
While I was waiting for the bus, at the deserted bus stop (at midnight), a man ran up behind me and tried to snatch my bag. The bag was a mini rucksack type, and I was holding the strap, so he couldn’t take it, but I was knocked to the
Ground and hurt my knee. My tights were ripped and I was bleeding. Not a serious injury by any measure, but scary and unsettling nonetheless.
All the time I was waiting for the bus, DH had been texting me, continuing the argument. I had been ignoring these messages. After the event, I responded saying someone had tried to mug me and I couldn’t deal with him right now. His response was to say ‘well you shouldn’t have stropped off then. I have no sympathy’
Luckily the bus came shortly thereafter and I was able to get home. When I got in, we rowed. DH told me I ‘deserved it’ and that I was ‘to blame’ because I am a woman and I shouldn’t be so stupid.
Without wanting to drip feed, three years ago, my drink was spiked in a club and I was date-raped. DH’s response at the time was to blame me for being drunk and to say ‘well, what do you expect when you put yourself in that position?’ (I had three glasses of wine and was with my best friend. The attacker dragged me out of the club when she was in the loo).
Today he has apologised and said he was drunk and a prick, but I just cannot see how I can stay married to him. AIBU?