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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To kick my son out?

108 replies

TigersRoll · 15/04/2019 14:37

18 years old, been arrested a couple of times for assault. He dabbles with drugs, has dodgy mates, doesn’t work and has just started claiming universal credit. He’s done absolutely nothing for two years and I’ve given him warning after warning.

Last night he told me he was staying at a mates house. Left his Facebook open and I read messages between him and his mates regarding getting “P” (whatever the fuck that is, I’m assuming “pills”, vodka and “tramping out” which basically means sitting on the street all night. He came home this morning wearing a gold Rolex watch. Could be fake but looks expensive, very heavy etc. I questioned him and he said his mate “let him borrow it” why the fuck would you let a mate borrow a gold Rolex??

Anyway, icing on the cake ... he text me early this morning asking what time I’d be home from work. I replied “about 12.30”. Ive just gone upstairs and he his sparked out on his bed. I notice spare bedroom door is shut too which is unusual. I go in to see everything that I had on the bed moved off it and the duvet ruffled up as if someone has been on, or in it. So, he’ll deny it but he’s basically had his scaggy mate in to sleep off whatever they did last night hasn’t he?

All his mates (and girlfriend) are in hostels as their parents have kicked them out. I’ve threatened him with this and he says he doesn’t want to leave as he likes living here. Of course he fucking does!! No rent, no bills, do what the fuck you want with no consequences ...

AIBU to say enough is enough and send him to the hostels?

OP posts:

harrietpn · 15/04/2019 17:57

I'd put together a 'plan' for him as a last ditch effort (training, apprenticeship, army, living with family in another town) - mainly just so you have a clear conscience on it and he can only blame himself in the future. The people I know who went off the rails are very good at weaving the story about how it was their parents fault... If he doesn't accept it then he has to make his own way and rely on his own resources.

A family friend sent their son to work on a farm. It worked quite well as he was pretty isolated and he was felt good at being able to the physical work (he struggled at school). If it was my DS I would do something like this. I'd happily bribe him to get him away from the friends in a hostel, around functional people and on a new path.

Weathermonger · 15/04/2019 18:00

I love my 17 yo son, and it would break my heart to kick him out, but with the behaviour you've described, I don't think you have a choice. Tell him if he cleans up his act and gets a job, he can come home again, but until then you and your husband deserve better.

IcecreamCustard · 15/04/2019 18:06

www.google.com/amp/s/www.urbandictionary.com/define.php%3fterm=P&amp=true

P is paper / money or also how drug dealers refer to customers. It's not looking good OP. Personally I would be calling the Police. It is not just your son at risk.

Funnyface1 · 15/04/2019 18:35

You said of course he likes living here, doing whatever he wants with no consequences. Give him consequences. Set the rules, it's your house. Be clear that he's on a last chance. A major rule break will mean he has to leave. Then follow through with it. If you don't then you'll continue suffering whilst also doing him absolutely no favours.

jpclarke · 15/04/2019 18:55

I have a friend who had to kick her son out in similar circumstances, it made him reach rock bottom and he got help and went into an addiction house and got help he is now back home and trying to get his life together. Sometimes as parents we have to give tough love as heartbreaking and worrying as it is.

granadagirl · 15/04/2019 19:35

Tell him you want rent from his UC money for rent and food, he’s free loaded for 2 years. No more, then he’s got no money for drugs etc

If he won’t tip up, tell him to pack his things and be gone by.......

Whodafeck · 17/04/2019 20:59

Oh Tiger.

I think you do need to kick him out. For your own good and for everyone else who lives in the house.

Kaleela · 17/04/2019 23:36

He's taking you for a ride! I got kicked out merely for not handing over my mobile phone and my unmanageable mood swings at 16! No wonder he doesn't want to leave, he's got it so effing easy. Kick him out

Cherrysoup · 18/04/2019 00:02

County Lines is in the media because it's becoming prevalent. Having had the training, I'd be worried he's involved. (Look for Kinder egg toy containers!)

Kick him out, OP. I'd have fuck all sympathy for him right now.

Whatsername7 · 18/04/2019 19:32

Cherry thats exactly why I suggested county lines - I did the training too.

Ruru8thestars · 21/04/2019 00:25

And start charging him rent

notgivingin78910 · 21/04/2019 00:55

I think he meant by "getting P" as getting pussy.

Happynow001 · 21/04/2019 01:05

I just can’t do it anymore. Police at the door, mysterious items turning up (like the watch, designer clothes that he’d never afford, a BB gun etc etc) he’s stolen money off me before and now he has universal credit he’ll just spend that on drugs and drink. My husband is practically threatening to walk out and I don’t blame him, we don’t feel at ease in our own house.

Time to get your house keys back,
If you decide you've finally had enough and he needs to leave don't just accept accept his keys as he may have made copies. Get your locks changed, front and back.

Ensure that anyone else who have keys don't let him back in.

Stewy2 · 01/08/2022 12:02

Hi, I feel your pain, but, I am in not as bad a situation, but I would never kick my son out. Where I live there are males of his age roaming aimlessly and breaking into shops, nowhere to sleep, one particular lad used to walk past my window everyday. At xmas I gave him 10.00. He has recently died, I am not sure what from, but although I am in a terrible place myself, I will never give up on my son. I dont want him to die homeless....I would never forgive myself. Instead I keep trying and yes it does affect my mental health, but he is my son, I chose to have him so I will do all I can and more. I really hope your situation gets better, it is worse than mine. I wish you all the very best.

phishy · 01/08/2022 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GreenManalishi · 01/08/2022 12:08

This is a shit situation to be in, and there is no right answer. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't, but, you have put up with two years of this and it hasn't improved, so you're now in a situation where you have to save yourself and your marriage, or continue to prop your DS up and lose yourself and likely your relationship into the bargain.

I can't say what will be the outcome if you kick him out, I can say that if you let him stay he's not going to get the wake up call that he needs.

Notimeforaname · 01/08/2022 12:15

I too feel like he's dealing.

It's awful but you need to get him out you and your husband need to be a team, on the same page. If your husband is threatening to walk out then it's clear you're not a team deciding what to do together.

Hillary17 · 01/08/2022 12:38

YANBU and I would absolutely pack his things for him and ask him to make alternative arrangements. Say he has to be out of the house by Friday or put his things outside. Having read your other posts you’ve done everything you can for two years but at this point it’s enabling his behaviour. Save your marriage and do the right thing.

Stewy2 · 01/08/2022 12:55

Excuse me @phishy I am new to this forum, and expressing my views, I do not wish to be attacked on my first comment by anyone. I have a right to express my situation and views and will continue to do so. So unless you have something worth saying keep your comments to yourself.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/08/2022 12:58

My son went through a phase like this in his early 20's. He's now 40 and an upstanding citizen believe it or not.
I got him into a local HMO, paid the first two months for him and made him leave my house. I said he wasn't coming back until he sorted out his life.
I did meet him in town for a coffee and a meal regularly but made it plain he can't stay at home taking the piss like this.
He eventually sorted himself out. You have to take a firm stand.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/08/2022 13:02

Likewise, Stewy2, you don't have the right to tell people to shut up. You've bumped a thread that's two years old, it's out of date and it's annoying; that's why phishy mentioned it.

Dotjones · 01/08/2022 13:04

Maybe if the OP is still around they can give us an update on what's happened over the past three years? Did you kick him out, has he improved?

I think it's very easy to say "kick him out" but that's not always the best situation. Sometimes a kick up the arse helps, sometimes it just pushes someone who is in an less than ideal situation into a worse one.

In this position you have to live with the consequences of your decision, whatever it may be.

mynamesnotMa · 01/08/2022 13:09

You aren't kicking him out you are suggesting it's time he stands on his own two feet. The longer he stays the more likely hell carry on living this life.

If you love your son this will help him grow up.

HollowTalk · 01/08/2022 13:14

ZOMBIE THREAD

Stewy2 · 01/08/2022 13:43

Well @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe i didn't know that, and also for your information I still have a right to say what i think...crickey what a site

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