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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To kick my son out?

108 replies

TigersRoll · 15/04/2019 14:37

18 years old, been arrested a couple of times for assault. He dabbles with drugs, has dodgy mates, doesn’t work and has just started claiming universal credit. He’s done absolutely nothing for two years and I’ve given him warning after warning.

Last night he told me he was staying at a mates house. Left his Facebook open and I read messages between him and his mates regarding getting “P” (whatever the fuck that is, I’m assuming “pills”, vodka and “tramping out” which basically means sitting on the street all night. He came home this morning wearing a gold Rolex watch. Could be fake but looks expensive, very heavy etc. I questioned him and he said his mate “let him borrow it” why the fuck would you let a mate borrow a gold Rolex??

Anyway, icing on the cake ... he text me early this morning asking what time I’d be home from work. I replied “about 12.30”. Ive just gone upstairs and he his sparked out on his bed. I notice spare bedroom door is shut too which is unusual. I go in to see everything that I had on the bed moved off it and the duvet ruffled up as if someone has been on, or in it. So, he’ll deny it but he’s basically had his scaggy mate in to sleep off whatever they did last night hasn’t he?

All his mates (and girlfriend) are in hostels as their parents have kicked them out. I’ve threatened him with this and he says he doesn’t want to leave as he likes living here. Of course he fucking does!! No rent, no bills, do what the fuck you want with no consequences ...

AIBU to say enough is enough and send him to the hostels?

OP posts:
Supersimpkin · 15/04/2019 16:49

Mate, I think Universal Credit is the least of your worries. He's stealing to fund his drug habit.

ContraryAnn · 15/04/2019 16:50

P = Pussy?

Bluesmartiesarebest · 15/04/2019 16:56

If you do decide to kick him out, you’ll need to change the locks to stop him or his friends breaking in.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 15/04/2019 17:04

You need to protect your own mental health and that of your husband, by distancing him both physically and emotionally.

It’s hard to do that, but he has proved time and time again that he’s not caring about you and your family except as a roof over his head when he chooses.

Bringbackbertha · 15/04/2019 17:04

I know of a similar case like this. Mum sent son abroad to live with family, put him in rehab, gave him money for rent, found him jobs. He promised each time to go clean for the good of his child....

Every time he went back to the old ways. It's so sad but mum has decided to only emotionally support but no more financial aid and he has to make his bed now.

Husband or siblings dont want anything to do with him and there was alot of resentment over the money and general support given.

He is going into adult hood and showing you alot of disrespect. He needs to learn to stand on his own feet but only you know how much you can let go, and also if you would feel any sort of guilt should the worst happen.

Yes you gave birth to him and tried to give him the best start in life, but there is only so much someone can be helped or will accept help.

HiItsClemFandango · 15/04/2019 17:18

P is slang for money (paper)

Original poster
TigersRoll · 15/04/2019 17:20

DH has just come home and had an argument with the neighbour (about parked cars) as he’s so pissed off and fed up. It’s affecting everything.

I have no idea how he managed to get universal credit. He said he’d filled the form out online, went for an interview and the money was in his bank the next day??? Doesn’t fit with what I’ve heard about universal credit at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
TigersRoll · 15/04/2019 17:24

Also he’s had no letters here or anything. Something doesn’t seem right

OP posts:
wigglypiggly · 15/04/2019 17:26

Is dh his dad. If so he is not useless. He has had enough of having the piss taken out of you and him. Your sons behaviours is ruining your life. If he can get off his backside to get benefits he can go and sort out somewhere to stay. You've tried everything. Perhaps it's time he sorted himself out by going to a homeless charity. Change the locks. Tell him a date to leave. Pay a month's rent up front if you need to.

Pk37 · 15/04/2019 17:32

I agree, I think you’ve done enough and you can’t help him or prop him up anymore .
The fact that at so young he’s already pretty much chosen the lowest road to travel is quite scary .
My 18 year old is a typical preachy student trying to turn us vegetarian and telling us how much we’re fucking up the environment and I thought that was bad!

Whatsername7 · 15/04/2019 17:35

I would be seriously concerned about county lines gangs. It sounds like he is being given gifts and paid for drugs running.

optimisticpessimist01 · 15/04/2019 17:37

I think you know the answer to this question

It's such a sad shame, he's your son, you gave birth to him and raised him, but there comes a point where enough is enough.

One day he will realise all he has sacrificed for his disgusting lifestyle

I'm sorry you have to go through this OP. Cut him off, kick him out and start a life without him in it until he sorts himself out. He will be nothing but a burden to you and your husband

optimisticpessimist01 · 15/04/2019 17:39

It also sounds like he's a drug dealer.

So sorry op x

Whatsername7 · 15/04/2019 17:39

www.childrenssociety.org.uk/what-is-county-lines

This might help. If you suspect he is involved in dealing, Id be tempted to report to the police.

SouthernComforts · 15/04/2019 17:43

My brother is the same. My parents have given him a thousand chances and he's still living in their spare bedroom at 31. My mum especially is old before her time, she's constantly physically ill and mentally drained by him. I resent it because almost every conversation is what he's done this time so I've distanced myself from them all.

QueenBeex · 15/04/2019 17:45

For the sake of your mental well being, your marriage and the tension in your home life I would kick him out.
You've gave him warnings, you've spoken to him, you've put up with it for long enough. You've put him first for 18 years, as a parent should, but this isnt how he should be showing appreciation. Now it's time to put yourself first.
Everything you've tried so far hasn't worked, he needs to know you're serious. So have big bags packed at the front door for when he comes home.
It's easy for people to say he's your son etc you can't kick him out he needs you.
But you can't change someone that doesn't want to be changed. Sometimes tough love is the only way to show you've had enough.

Pumpkintopf · 15/04/2019 17:48

If he is on universal credit he'd have to be providing evidence that he's looking for a job - is he doing that? Also there's generally a wait for the money unless he took out the loan.

I agree with getting the police involved to see if they can offer any support.

Can you set and enforce rules on eg job seeking for him?

cinders15 · 15/04/2019 17:48

I think it is time to change the locks

MsVestibule · 15/04/2019 17:49

From what I know about UC, it's unlikely that he is claiming it - could he be telling you that he's claiming it so you won't query where his money is coming from?

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 15/04/2019 17:51

UC is certainly NOT in your account that day or the next day . Be great if it was ! It is a minimum of five weeks and the only money you would get the day after receiving it is an advance loan .

Yesicancancan · 15/04/2019 17:54

Nothing changes if nothing changes,
Call the police, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, like now.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 15/04/2019 17:54

County Lines is in the media lot at the moment, OP so you will get a lot of posts jumping to that conclusion. He's not necessarily being exploited though, if he's dealing or up to anything else illegal (which sounds likely) then at 18 he could just be doing it of his own free will!

You are not wrong to consider asking him to leave, especially if it's putting a strain on your marriage. Posters talking about rehab, counselling and drugs workers need to understand that these services can't engage with your DS against his wishes. He has to want to address his drug use. At the moment the rewards of his lifestyle obviously outweigh the consequences and he has no reason to want to change. In your position I would be concerned about illegal activity taking place in my property and about the safety of everyone living there given that he has been allowing dodgy characters to stay over. Asking him to move out doesn't mean you have to cut him out of your life, but it does mean that you can feel safe in your own home without worrying about unsavoury characters turning up or the place being raided in the middle of the night. You and your DH deserve that much, surely!

P is slang for money by the way (P for paper). I work with teenagers with similar issues to your DS and have heard it a lot.

uggmum · 15/04/2019 17:56

If it's a real Rolex it will have a valid serial number. So it will be traceable.

Might be worth having a good look at it. Then you will know whether to take it further.

This must be overwhelmingly stressful for you and your family

Cocobean30 · 15/04/2019 17:57

I’m regards to UC he must have asked for for an upfront payment that gets paid back monthly out of his future UC payments

stickytoffeegut · 15/04/2019 17:57

The money is probably from dealing

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