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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To kick my son out?

108 replies

TigersRoll · 15/04/2019 14:37

18 years old, been arrested a couple of times for assault. He dabbles with drugs, has dodgy mates, doesn’t work and has just started claiming universal credit. He’s done absolutely nothing for two years and I’ve given him warning after warning.

Last night he told me he was staying at a mates house. Left his Facebook open and I read messages between him and his mates regarding getting “P” (whatever the fuck that is, I’m assuming “pills”, vodka and “tramping out” which basically means sitting on the street all night. He came home this morning wearing a gold Rolex watch. Could be fake but looks expensive, very heavy etc. I questioned him and he said his mate “let him borrow it” why the fuck would you let a mate borrow a gold Rolex??

Anyway, icing on the cake ... he text me early this morning asking what time I’d be home from work. I replied “about 12.30”. Ive just gone upstairs and he his sparked out on his bed. I notice spare bedroom door is shut too which is unusual. I go in to see everything that I had on the bed moved off it and the duvet ruffled up as if someone has been on, or in it. So, he’ll deny it but he’s basically had his scaggy mate in to sleep off whatever they did last night hasn’t he?

All his mates (and girlfriend) are in hostels as their parents have kicked them out. I’ve threatened him with this and he says he doesn’t want to leave as he likes living here. Of course he fucking does!! No rent, no bills, do what the fuck you want with no consequences ...

AIBU to say enough is enough and send him to the hostels?

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 15/04/2019 15:41

Time to get your house keys back, tell him to gather hat he is taken - his personal item and join his buddies

PinkBlueStripes · 15/04/2019 15:41

It sounds like he has been criminally exploited (county lines). This is where dealers get kids to sell drugs for them, in exchange for drugs themselves (free to start with but its never free), gifts, status etc. The police take this very seriously as they understand how vulnerable young people are. They don't want the young people, they want to stamp out the drugs rings doing this. They can only help him if he cooperates with them.

Honestly the police are your only last hope to get through to him and I would get them involved now so they know how vulnerable he is. Kick him out if you have to but make sure he knows the police will help him and protect him if he turns it round.

Cocaine is a massive issue in towns/cities in uk more so than anywhere in europe. He is hanging out with all the wrong people. If he goes into the criminal justice system he may get help there to turn it round so don't despair.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/04/2019 15:41

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

If you don't kick him out; nothing will change because he has no reason to change. Free board and lodgings and he can come and go as he pleases.

if you do kick him out, you risk his behaviour escalating because he no longer has you as security blanket.

I think be brave and do it. You've given him 2 years and plenty of options.

HollowTalk · 15/04/2019 15:42

Your life is as important as his. He will do the same whether he's living away or with you, but if he's with you he'll make you suffer. I think it's time for him to leave. (I'd look at moving house as he will see your current home as his.)

I'd also call the police and ask whether anyone had reported a stolen Rolex.

StCharlotte · 15/04/2019 15:49

On what God's earth is he entitled to Universal Credit?!

Humpy84 · 15/04/2019 15:52

let him stay on the provisor that he see a drug and alcohol counsellor once a week and or attend a programme. He is still young and malleable and I feel that living with you rent free is best used as incentive to steer him in right direction. Cry - a bit of guilt over how much a Mama loves her boy and what he’s doing to you won’t hurt him.

PinkBlueStripes · 15/04/2019 15:56

Read your last posts too Flowers. That Is awful. Can his Dr / drugs worker refer him for rehab? This is the portal for rehab services in the UK:

www.rehab-online.org.uk/

Can you send him away to another relative anywhere? Get him away from this?

A hostel isn't a great place for a young person. If you kick him out / cut contact he will likely spiral (difference between push and kick). What are the housing options? No-one would criticise you for 'detaching with love' but letting him know you are still there for him.

PregnantSea · 15/04/2019 16:01

Absolutely kick him out. Do it today. I don't agree with others posters about setting deadlines or anything else. His behaviour is absolutely ridiculous and it's dangerous for you. You've got dodgy strangers being let into the house, drugs on your property, and the general stress of having an irresponsible lay about living with you.

The best thing that you can do right now is kick him out and make him stand on his own two feet. Change the locks if you have to. Call the police if he gets violent. Do anything that you need to do to protect yourself and your home. Your son has repeatedly shat on your attempts to help him and he needs to make his own way now.

Maybe in a couple of years he'll be on a better path because he'll have realised that farting about doing nothing and having no money is shit when you don't have mum there to sponge off and do everything for you. Once he's proven that he's changing and helping himself, then is the time for you to come in with a helping hand. But until then just let him make his own mistakes. It's so hard but you have to be strong and protect yourself.

Jaffacakebeast · 15/04/2019 16:03

Won’t he join the army ? That’ll sort him out, get him away from his druggy mates too

PinkBlueStripes · 15/04/2019 16:03

DB was 'cuckooed' by dealers and he now has a PCSO checking on him every single day. You need the Police coming round to yours on a regular basis to see him. If he doesn't like that, his choice.

The way it is, he is very much at risk of a criminal record anyway, so might as well risk him getting a caution and realising he has a choice to sort it out.

TimetoChange2017 · 15/04/2019 16:03

What I don't understand is - how has it gotten to this situation? This hasn't just occurred overnight. What happened when he left school, for example?

PigletJohn · 15/04/2019 16:05

OOI, have a look at the "Rolex"

If the second hand ticks round, it's a fake (very common).

If it purrs round without visible ticks, it's real, or a better-quality fake.

Either way, it will fray his shirt-cuffs annoyingly.

leckford · 15/04/2019 16:08

Change the locks, one of my relations was like this, he kept returning when things went wrong, his elderly parents were frightened by him and he bullied them. He had fried his brain with drugs.

user1497997754 · 15/04/2019 16:08

I would def get him to leave.....he needs to learn the hard way it's the only way to learn.....you are doing him no favours. He needs to grow up .....and if he wants to carry on with this absolutely disgusting behaviour then he can do it elsewhere. Grow a backbone yourself and your hubby needs to grow a pair .....you are letting him walk all over you....sorry to be harsh

PinkBlueStripes · 15/04/2019 16:12

got dodgy strangers being let into the house, drugs on your property

This is true, the fact he has bought it to your door and stolen from you is high risk. It's also breaking the law to allow drugs into your home.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 15/04/2019 16:12

This didn't happen overnight. Two years. TWO YEARS!

Chuck him out. Pack his bags, put them outside and change the locks. He's 18 and has refused to listen or get his act together for TWO YEARS. Fine. Then he can go be 18 with his mates.

ANd I have to wonder, too, how on earth he's on UC already when he's living at home and doing fuck all on purpose ... except for taking drugs, partying and probably stealing to support it all.

fuzzyduck1 · 15/04/2019 16:12

My step sons were like that treating their mum and me like shit. Steeling drugs drink etc. Even had the police helicopter above our house looking for them. I wanted to kick them out but their mum always defended them.
It did end with us splitting up but they did come out the other side but it takes years! Now they are nice young men both with kids of there own although one of the gran kids lives with my ex.

Good luck kicking him out my work but if hs friends are already in hostels he may see it as a holiday and end up in more trouble.

It’s a hard call

qazxc · 15/04/2019 16:25

He is an adult, living with you is a privilege and not a right.
If he is refusing to help himself and bringing aggravation to your life and home, he should go.

Omzlas · 15/04/2019 16:26

I only made it as far as the first paragraph and my mind (opinion) was set. Give him a FIRM deadline and stick to it. If he doesn't pull his finger out of his arse, give him the number of the local homeless shelter and change the locks (leaving the key on the inside works too, only if you're inside though obviously).

He has zero respect for you, your rules, or your house. Take action and stop pandering to him.

Serenity45 · 15/04/2019 16:33

YANBU at all but it's an incredibly hard decision to come to I imagine. It sounds like you really have tried and it also sounds as if you know the answer yourself.

On a purely practical level, please do remember to change the locks rather than just taking his key if you do decide to follow through with your threat.

Sending positive thoughts that you can relax in your own home very soon, though I doubt it will take the worry away

Serenity45 · 15/04/2019 16:34

X post Omzlas

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 15/04/2019 16:35

Getting P = getting money not pills, meth, cocaine or anything else. Atleast not in this day in the UK. But it probably does mean in an illegal way, robberies, drug money or scamming.
He obviously has got used to getting away with it all for this long so I think the best option is the next time he goes out, have his stuff packed by the front door. He is no longer able to be saved by yourself and clearly beyond being deterred by the police.
Unfortunately and I'm sorry to say but you are going to let it run it's course but not allow him to live with you.
Sorry your in this position OP.

WhyTho · 15/04/2019 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/04/2019 16:40

Thing is, unless you're prepared to support his lifestyle indefinitely he'll have to leave at some point - so why not now, hopefully before he's so far into criminality that there's no getting out?

You don't have to turn your back on him and can still help by suggesting support services, but the decision about whether to use them has to be his and he's not going to access any help while he's being enabled

vdbfamily · 15/04/2019 16:45

My 16 ye old thinks P = money.

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