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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to clear the air with park mum

112 replies

Napqueen1234 · 15/04/2019 13:29

Long story short I live in a small town where I recognise lots of parents at the local park (see them there regularly etc not friends)

2 weeks ago this little boy around 3 who I see often (particularly boisterous even for a toddler, very pushy with a v ineffective mum) got in a bit of a bargy with my dad (nearly 2). She was about to go down a slide, he grabbed her v roughly and shoved her out the way for him to go. She shouted ‘no my turn’ or similar as he stood her up and he then pushed her backwards down the slide. Cue a lot of tears from DD and general drama.

His mum (v middle class usually sipping coffee) did come over but not sure if she didn’t see but was just very ‘oh dear what happened’ no telling off whatsoever. I was horrified as poor DD could have been really hurt. I said too quite loudly ‘come on DD let’s get away from that horrible little boy’ and left the park. His mum definitely heard.

I now feel bad and often see and avoid them in the park but would like to apologise or at least clear the air so we don’t have years of awkwardness ahead. What shall I say?

OP posts:
GiantPretzel · 15/04/2019 17:04

I’m very much a middle class mum too

So why characterise her as that, as if somehow indicates something key about her?

Honestly, OP, calm down. As your daughter grows up, you will encounter loads of this type of situation, sometimes with your child as the victim, sometimes as the aggressor -- there's no need to call small children names and flounce about melodramatically.

NataliaOsipova · 15/04/2019 17:06

Let it go. As others have said, it may have done her good to realise what other people think of her child. It would look a bit strange to bring it up randomly now. If you happen to fall into conversation with her again, then just be pleasant and friendly. No need to rake over past incidents.

DIZZYTIGGER87 · 15/04/2019 17:07

Not entirely sure why you expected her to make any form of contact after calling her DS horrid?

Sounds like she did say something to DS, however you didn't think it was enough so were PA towards a child.

I suspect if I had been in her shoes, I would have said similar to DS (that being said my DS is 20mo and I don't know for sure what I will say to a 3yo) and then taken him off to calm down as he sounded excited. I would not expect anyone to call my DS horrid.

I really don't like other people's children...I've never been good with small children, and I may think it, but I would never say anything aloud, especially not for the child to hear.

Biancadelrioisback · 15/04/2019 17:12

Do people not know how to parent their brats anymore?

What a lovely sentence on a parenting website. All children are brats Hmm

CallMeRachel · 15/04/2019 17:17

Why do people deflect from the facts ?

Yes brat is the word i use to describe undisciplined children.

You don't have any opinions on the pathetic passive parent at the park, no?

AnnieMay100 · 15/04/2019 17:23

I wouldn’t bother bringing it up with her, it makes you sound full of resentment. So what if you see each other daily for years doesn’t mean you have to be friends or talk. If you do see them again and the option to talk arises perhaps mention how well behaved he is today/speaking to your child so she hears encourage her to play with him with a mild ‘I’m sure he’ll be kind today’. If he does it again then you’ll have the chance to step in before dd is hurt and confront the mother then keep your distance.

Original poster
Napqueen1234 · 15/04/2019 17:25

*ecketyfeck21

you were pa to a toddler, rude about the mother on here - very middle class and sipping coffee so what ?
if i heard /knew what you were thinking i wouldn't give it a second thought, let alone find YOU to apologise. your attitude says more about you as a person than her imo.*

It’s a shame I came on here acknowledging I had made an error and asking for help how to rectify yet seem to have had a complete character assassination from some. I appreciate it wasn’t the right thing to say (I feel dreadful about it) but saying things like that are very unhelpful. No wonder parents feel isolated with some of you lot about! For all the others thanks so much x

OP posts:
Stiffasaboard · 15/04/2019 17:27

I’d definitely remember you- you called a young child horrible. That’s a pathetic insult from an adult.
He won’t have any idea of the consequences of his actions- he wanted a go, your daughter as far as he is concerned was mean and said he couldn’t so he pushed her. Not ideal and he will learn that isn’t appropriate but he didn’t knowingly push her to kill her ffs.

His mum being a bit wet isn’t his fault.

Your DD may well do something similar at some point
That’s why we stand next to the skied when 2 year olds are on them. They aren’t safe alone. As a bigger 3 year old his mum May feel he is safe- who knows.

But your reaction was OTT and frankly really bad role modelling for your DD and the other boy.

If you came up to me I’d expect a full apology for being so rude but I also wouldn’t want to get to know you.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 15/04/2019 17:28

The thing is, toddler logic is to push things that are in the way, out of the way. Just watch how they play with toys. ^^

And Of course his Mum should have been watching him, and encouraging him to wait for your DD - it's how little ones learn. Now wait till the little girl gets off at the bottom Tommy, that's it, it's safe for you to come down now, well done..... blah blah blah.

But his Mother's failure, isn't the child's fault.

TSSDNCOP · 15/04/2019 17:29

*BertrandRussell

Is sipping coffee v. midfle class? Who knew?*

Only if you are very far away. And own s phone. Otherwise it’s just drive bling coffee.

Biancadelrioisback · 15/04/2019 17:35

@CallMeRachel yes I do have an opinion. One which I stated further up the thread.

If the child is undisciplined then that's the parents fault, not the child, so why does the child get called names? Keeping in mind that this is a very young child, approximately 3 but since OP didn't speak to the child or his mum, he could be younger and quite big or older and quite small. We don't know.
So you're calling a toddler names because he acted like a toddler.

fecketyfeck21 · 15/04/2019 17:45

op you are welcome to be offended but the other mother probably forgot about you and your dd as soon before you even left the park. awkwardness for years to come really ?? this is aibu and if you ask something you will get soft answers and some will be harsh.

Thymeout · 15/04/2019 17:48

Posters seem to be minimising what the 3 yr old actually did. It wasn't just the usual jostling or jumping the queue. The little girl was sitting down at the top of the slide, ready to go down it. The 3 yr old dragged her to her feet and shoved her backwards down the slide.

Call me old-fashioned, but if one of mine had done it, I wouldn't have been having a Platonic debate with him about something that goes a lot further than needing to calm down and be less excitable.

disenchantedtoday · 15/04/2019 17:51

You sound sensitive and kind OP, and I'm sorry you're getting a bashing. You also paint a picture which I recognise. The poster who added the bit about huge sunglasses clearly gets it too! I'm so glad the park days are just about behind us now as it was a friggin' nightmare sometimes with under-supervised kids. Personally I'd leave it but only you can make that decision. I just hope, if you do speak to this woman, you end up feeling better not worse. Personally I think she was more in the wrong than you. She possibly has a skin like a rhinoceros anyway so won't think to be offended. Flowers

urkidding · 15/04/2019 17:51

My view is do not bother. You want her child to stay away from yours for your child's safety. You don't want your child to be set up as willing victim if you become friends with this woman. It is very hard when a friend's child is a bully. 3 year olds know right from wrong, and would not behave in that way if they know they can't get away with it.

It was obvious that your child was hurt and she didn't care.

fecketyfeck21 · 15/04/2019 17:56

when i go past our local playground, a lot of the mums are on their phones, no coffee as a rule, obviously very working case.

fecketyfeck21 · 15/04/2019 17:57

class, not that it matters anyway. smile*

Wearywithteens · 15/04/2019 18:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

sawyersfishbiscuits · 15/04/2019 18:24

I'm sure I've done similar. Don't feel too bad.
Just to warn you though, now this has happened you have at least a 99% chance this kid will be in your DD's class at school/gym group/swimming lesson etc... because that's Mummy Karma. 😂

I'd have been so cross with my son if he'd done that, swift apology from me and my son and he'd have been marched home out of the park. Fed up of people who don't want to upset their kids by actually parenting them.

Don't feel bad.

ALLMYSmellySocks · 15/04/2019 18:26

I don't know why everyone's giving OP a hard time. Obviously the PA comment was not ideal but it was said in the heat of a moment when her DD had just be pushed backwards down a slide.

OP I wouldn't bring it up with the other mum personally. If I saw her I'd smile and just carry on as if nothing happened. She might be embarrassed about it too.

donquixotedelamancha · 15/04/2019 18:40

Long story short

Bloody hell. What would the full length version have been?

Stuckforthefourthtime · 15/04/2019 19:51

disenchantedtoday
You sound sensitive and kind OP

What sensitive and kind people call a 3 year old names? A 3 year old made a mistake, and his carer wasn't there to correct him. There were lots of choices:
Correct his behaviour herself
Alert his mum
Ignore and move away
Or, you know, descend to the level of a child yourself and wait until the mum comes and call a child a mean name. That's not a sensitive or kind option

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 15/04/2019 20:02

I’m as middle class as they come and live surrounded by MC families and I’ve seen this kind of flimflam quite a bit from MC parents, out of control kids and wet ineffectual parents. Deeply deeply tiresome. And their kids carry on being deeply tiresome at school, and the parents carry on being flimflammy. One child (ahead 8 or 9 at the time) scribbled all over the wall and then kicked a younger child’s stuff around the hall when on a play date, mum is like ‘oh dear, well, it doesn’t really matter, does it?’ She’s a ‘gentle parent’, dontcha know. With a horror of a child.

Original poster
Napqueen1234 · 15/04/2019 20:40

weeping willow it seems we frequent similar spots. I know it wasn’t right to call him horrible (I know he’s just a toddler and it’s normal toddler behaviour) but if children are parented properly as they get older they do just become horrible children/teenagers/adults. I think I just need to hold my tongue in future 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 15/04/2019 20:43

That’s the thing, it may not be ‘right’ to refer to these children as horrible when they’re 3 but if they carry in like that then they’re going to come up against a lot of adults and older kids who won’t be quite so polite about their behaviour. So maybe mum needs to hear what people really think of her little darling she’s failing to parent.

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