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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to clear the air with park mum

112 replies

Napqueen1234 · 15/04/2019 13:29

Long story short I live in a small town where I recognise lots of parents at the local park (see them there regularly etc not friends)

2 weeks ago this little boy around 3 who I see often (particularly boisterous even for a toddler, very pushy with a v ineffective mum) got in a bit of a bargy with my dad (nearly 2). She was about to go down a slide, he grabbed her v roughly and shoved her out the way for him to go. She shouted ‘no my turn’ or similar as he stood her up and he then pushed her backwards down the slide. Cue a lot of tears from DD and general drama.

His mum (v middle class usually sipping coffee) did come over but not sure if she didn’t see but was just very ‘oh dear what happened’ no telling off whatsoever. I was horrified as poor DD could have been really hurt. I said too quite loudly ‘come on DD let’s get away from that horrible little boy’ and left the park. His mum definitely heard.

I now feel bad and often see and avoid them in the park but would like to apologise or at least clear the air so we don’t have years of awkwardness ahead. What shall I say?

OP posts:

Biancadelrioisback · 15/04/2019 15:22

@ShineyRuby so if I wear large sunglasses, sip coffee and say I need a break, am I automatically a shit mum? Is that all it takes?

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 15/04/2019 15:29

Mixed stereotypes. Flat-white mum should have been loud parenting.

Wishy-washy Mum isn't MC enough to denigrate.

SD1978 · 15/04/2019 15:31

Nope- time has passed and you are obviously still highly judgmental of her, her parenting, her child, and her beverage choice. If she doesn't give you the answer you want and take the responsibility you believe she should, I'd imagine you'll be rude again. You're not friends, you attend the same park. Never turn up with a coffee, and sit on a different bench. I'm sure she will be too busy on her phone sipping her latte to even realise you're there.......

grumiosmum · 15/04/2019 15:37

So now we're not even allowed to drink coffee......?

Original poster

Napqueen1234 · 15/04/2019 15:38

Thanks for all your responses I appreciate hearing a variety of opinions!!

And I agree with the comment re annoying helicopter parenting but as others have said there are situations that children cannot resolve themselves/need parental input and I feel this was one of of those times.

OP posts:

Stuckforthefourthtime · 15/04/2019 15:41

You called a child - an under-parented child - horrible.
That was a cruel thing to do, and bad role modelling for your daughter.

You don't need to make it up to park mum, but I do think you need to show your dd that name calling is not ok. Next time you see him, perhaps you can give him a chance to get involved in your game, especially if his own mum doesn't play. And if he does misbehave, then you can always gently redirect, or if needs be call over the mum and label the behaviour not the baby.

iolaus · 15/04/2019 15:46

So she came over, asked what happened and rather than telling her so she could discipline her child you made a sarcastic comment aimed at a child?

Yes she should have had a closer eye on her child thats not in dispute but you didn't react well (If you'd have said what had happened to your daughter and she still didn't tell her son off I'd have been completely on your side)

Bluntness100 · 15/04/2019 15:51

Look you clearly don't like the mum, just from the sight of her. So why try to clear the air.

And whatever the kid did, he's a kid, but saying he was a horrible little boy where both him and his mum could heater and aging it to your own daughter is shitty behaviour.

Let it go. Like the social class chip on your shoulder.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 15/04/2019 15:58

I would avoid. I'm not sure you can come back from calling her DS "horrid".

Original poster

Napqueen1234 · 15/04/2019 16:03

@bluntness I’m not sure I have a social class chip on my shoulder I’m very much a middle class mum too! And I’m not under the false impression I’m a perfect mother with an angel of a toddler she’s just a liable to push and shove I would just always take her to one side and talk/discipline her especially if a child was hurt. It’s interesting how many assumptions about a person both her and me are made from this post!

I think I will speak to her next time. I can’t stand awkwardness and if we each have multiple kids it might be for years! I’ll let you know what she says/if she remembers the incident. I think as some of you are alluding to in various ways I’m probably overthinking it!

OP posts:

NKFell · 15/04/2019 16:12

OP I think the class thing is because pointing out 'middle class' is odd, maybe you would have expected it from working class so it came as a shock or maybe middle class people aren't interested in their children misbehaving? I'm not saying you believe that but it does a read a little like it...you of course might have just been setting the scene!

Anyway, if it was me I wouldn't mention the 'incident' but I would make a point of being friendly and see how she reacts. If she's cold then maybe say sorry but hopefully she'll just be friendly back.

rosablue · 15/04/2019 16:13

Not an excuse as I do think that she should have told her son off and why what he did was wrong but...

To you he is a big 3 yr old so he should behave better than a small 2 yr old. To his mum, he is still just a little 3 yr old and your dd is jus a bit smaller than him but given that girls can often be small, she might be the same age or even older than her son so she may well assume they have the same level of language, understanding and behaviour.

And she may well have just dismissed the entire incident because of those assumptions.

Humpy84 · 15/04/2019 16:32

Hi op, you seem intimidated by this woman from the tone of your posts. I think that’s why you weren’t comfortable telling her calming what had happened, and why you impulsively said something you regret instead. I think had you felt more confident in that moment it would have gone down differently.

I think people tend to be defensive about their parenting styles and children. Next time just diplomatically ask the boy to do x in a happy politically correct, kindergarten voice, Mary Poppins and takeover the parenting - that usually shames people away from their coffee and nobody can take issue.

If you are friendly, chatty and kind to the little terror then all will be forgotten. As for her passive parenting style, I don’t think much you can do, we are all guilty of zoning. As the mother of a rough and tumble 3 year old, I can attest to ho worn out she must be. She eventually intervened albeit ineffectively, so can’t be too bad.

EvaHarknessRose · 15/04/2019 16:35

Yes, why not smile and say hi. If she looks warm, chat about the weather, maybe work up to an apology. If she looks frosty, a quick ‘I have been wanting an opportunity for mis speaking previously, I was upset but I was wrong, and rude, I’m sorry.’

CampfiresAndBeer · 15/04/2019 16:40

the response was ‘oh no we don’t do that do we’ but that was about it

Tbf, there's probably not much else she could have said at the time. Anything else would have been for your benefit and not beause it would help him to learn.

aintnothinbutagstring · 15/04/2019 16:41

I wouldn't bother, it's a mum you see occasionally in a park, with a poorly behaved child who she appears not to like disciplining, you're probably not going to be best mates are you?

EvaHarknessRose · 15/04/2019 16:45

I had a run in with park mum once, and yes, she was then at every event in my town, was at my friend’s christmas party, even ended up being chummy with my Mum as they both owned dogs.

outpinked · 15/04/2019 16:45

He was horrible to your DD and his Mother sounds fairly useless. I would honestly let it go.

Yesicancancan · 15/04/2019 16:49

You were rude, never assume you know what any mum is going through at a particular moment in time. Parenting is a hard, relentless, labour of love.

fecketyfeck21 · 15/04/2019 16:50

you were pa to a toddler, rude about the mother on here - very middle class and sipping coffee so what ?
if i heard /knew what you were thinking i wouldn't give it a second thought, let alone find YOU to apologise. your attitude says more about you as a person than her imo.
kids tumble, fall, get hurt, it's all part and parcel. you can't always be watching /managing your child every micro second.

CallMeRachel · 15/04/2019 16:51

Tbh you have nothing to apologise for.

His behaviour was dangerous and should have been checked immediately by his mother and taken away from the park after being told to say sorry.

Do people not know how to parent their brats anymore?

You said to your child he was horrible, yes he was so there's nothing wrong with that.

Next time she's taking him to the park she should be off her backside and leave the coffee drinking for at home.

Quietlife333 · 15/04/2019 16:54

I wouldn’t bother, she will soon find out what he is like- she probably knows already but can’t be bothered with the confrontation. At his age she should supervise him, although you can’t watch them every second, but they do random things like this occasionally at 2/3. If she isn’t watching she can’t let him know that what he did was mean. But I wouldn’t get any further involved, that would put me right off.

Aquilla · 15/04/2019 16:56

'What's middle class about sipping coffee?'
... say all the middle class, coffee sipping mumsnetters!

It's called painting a fucking picture, people! Strewth...

Armadillostoes · 15/04/2019 16:56

OP some of the posters commenting here are absurdly judgemental. It's very easy to talk in the abstract about what would have been a more appropriate response, but I am sure that most parents have said something less than ideal when they have just had a fright and their child is sobbing. I wouldn't beat yourself up too much, despite some of the rather smug and snotty posts.

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 15/04/2019 16:58

I have been on the other side of it. My normally quite calm 2 year old randomly pushed a little boy who happened to fall backwards off a ledge no major damage done but even though I saw it I didn't quite get there quick enough to stop it. Mum of child shouted at and called mine horrible so loudly the whole soft play went silent. Was horrific.

I think there is a way of dealing with things and being passive aggressive/worse to a child is not necessary.

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