AIBU to ask why my mother's venom still slips through the cracks?

[tympanic]

My mother just popped in to visit, and as usual it wasn't long before she started making PA comments about my parenting choices, work progression, cleanliness of my house, my appearance, imaginary issues with my son... whatever tickled her fancy.

She has form for being like this, and my siblings and I try to joke about it but her endlessly cold, critical negativity is so damaging. I'm the only daughter and we all agree I cop the brunt of it.

I really only started to realise how damaging it is when I celebrated my first Mother's Day and considered what it all meant. I imagined what sort of mother I wanted to be for my son to make sure he lives as happy a life as I am capable of providing. To help him through the low points and the pride I feel with he achieves his highs. And then I thought about my own mother who I have to avoid when bad or good things happen to me and got deeply, deeply sad.

I'm pretty good at letting it roll off in general, but every so often she finds a wee crack to pour the venom in. She did this today with a targeted comment about how some women find juggling high-profile work, multiple kids, maintaining a house so easily, whereas others (ie me) clearly don't, even when they have "only one child".

She hit a nerve, as she knew she would. I don't understand why after knowing this woman for as long as I have she can still get to me. I understand she's a miserable old boot and will die a miserable old boot, but I wish I could get to a point where it didn't affect me anymore.

Thoughts? Stories? Witty retorts to shut her down with?

"When I pull her up on her behavior she cries and says how awful I am to her."

Mine used to get all woe is me, "oh I'm such a terrible person/mother" accompanied by loads of noisy crying. She'd be nasty, hurt my feelings, then when I pulled her on it, she'd make me feel guilty to the point I'd end up apologising to and comforting her, my feelings be damned, or stepdads would jump in to tell me off for back cheek and being such a bitch. I just don't say anything these days, I can walk away now, or retreat home and ignore her calls loose my phone charger.

*Stepdad

My mother said when I had just birthed DS2 and was still in the labour ward , and excitedly phoned her up, 'I'm quite pleased for you actually, I didn't think I would be.'

I mean, what the bloody hell was I meant to make of that?!!!

Of course she saw no reason to visit me afterwards either. A total emotional disconnect.

Also sympathy. I don't know what the answer is because even after 6 months of therapy and having my eyes opened wide to all the shit I have put up with all these years... well I'm still in the FOG. And I suspect many of us are.

I'm low contact nowadays which helps.

I have the same feelings that you all describe as a result of critical mothers, but mine does not openly say anything bad, or anything good. On the surface she is completely neutral, has never praised or complemented me or criticised me directly. If I tell her something, such as I'm not coping, she does not respond.
I wish I knew what to call this and how to handle it. (She is not in a coma, she can talk about golf and what she bought at Aldi.)

Moving far away and limiting contact is lovely. Ignoring the barbs (hard as it is) and having the odd stand-up row followed by no contact at all for a while has improved matters.

Tough as it is, you need to set boundaries and stick to them, you will likely get pushback from a variety of people, not just your mother and you need to be prepared for that.

Mine has eventually realised if she wants a relationship with DC (and she does) that she needs to stop the poor behaviour, but it's taken years and some epic tantrums to get there.

Illuminati Party - what a strange thing to say - I wonder what a phycologist would make of that?

My mother also does the ‘oh yes, I was such an awful parent’ the minute I raise any of the horrible things she did in my childhood. The strangest thing she used to do was pretend she didn’t know what I was talking about. It used to make me almost cry with frustration and I realise now that she enjoyed my frustration. Did anyone else’s parent do this?

I found the only thing to do was go no contact. A fair bit of anger bubbled up afterwards, (like the end of any relationship) but the more time passes, the less I think of her.

Example of her vileness - when DH died, it was too much trouble for her to come to his funeral, even though she was ringing every family member in hysterics telling them she'd lost "her son-in law". She then rang me to ask I send flowers on her behalf because she was "too upset". When I said no, she slammed the 'phone down and my father rang back and angrily demanded what I'd done to upset my mother. I fucking detest her.

StarShapedWindow - yeah! It was as if I'd said I had gone ahead with the decision to rehome a dog, or decided to take the plunge with a shorter hairstyle or something.

I think the "not knowing what you're talking about" is part of the same total disconnection with you as a living breathing feeling human being, with valid opinions. We're just cardboard cut outs.

for you OP, and everyone who has a mother like this... I sympathise, and yes, I don't raise it with her, because the potential hysterics are worse than ignoring it, frankly. They are often allowed to be like this, because partners, etc, enable them. Certainly my DF did. I take the attitude that she isn't going to change at this stage. It's got a little easier to bear as I have got older, and my expectations of humanity have decreased. And I silently chuckle to myself as I remember the quote

"Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and it annoys the pig".

StarShapedWindow, yup, the gaslighting. Or she would physically turn her back on me and refuse to answer.

Oh OP
I too fear this is only the start. I had thought I came out unscathed until I had my DD.

I’m also startled to find how bloody exhausting it is trying not follow in her footsteps.

I wouldn’t rule out counseling, they really do fuck you up!

I've just come back to this threat after running around after my (only) child. Wow. I was fully expecting most people to suggest I was overreacting and to get over it. So thanks to everyone for the kind words. Means a lot today especially!

I think it can be attempts to be helpful. Not wanting adult DCs to make the same mistakes. I do this, give unasked for advice, and try not to - though don't do the nasty stuff.
I doubt the DMs were showered with praise and gratitude throughout their time as housewives and mothers. No excuse for the nastiness but I would def point out how rude or unpleasant it is to be on the receiving end.

I'm truly saddened to hear so much of what my mother does repeated in the stories in this threat. So many similarities. How awful this is not as uncommon as I had hoped it would be.

@IlluminatiParty That is awful.

Reminds me of when we told my mother I was pregnant and she went silent, seemed too grossed out to look at the scans and proceeded to keep changing the subject whenever my DH or I mentioned it. We were eating dinner and she shot me daggers every time it came up in conversation (mostly through DH as he was VERY excited) until eventually I mentioned something fairly neutral like when I was going to tell work or something and she sneered, "We don't always have to talk about YOU all the time, tympanic. It's not always about you."

I doubt the DMs were showered with praise and gratitude throughout their time as housewives and mothers
That is probably true, but despite the lack of positive messages from our mothers most of us seem to manage to say nice things to our children.

I’m so sorry your mum is like this. My MIL is like this with my DH. It’s like the family are in competition with one another, as a consequence my DH is careful not to share too much with her.

My own Mum isn’t as bad. But has always been very critical of my weight. I’ve been pretty silm my whole adult life. But she always wants to be seen to be slimmer or a smaller size. Most recently at 9 months pregnant we went to a spa together and she revelled in the fact the staff gave me an XL dressing gown and how it fit because I’m “you know a bit bigger” I was so cross and wanted to shout “bigger because I’m 9 MONTHS pregnant!!” Now I’ve had the baby I know her eyes will be on me again making comparisons between us and how I’m not in my size 10 jeans.

@Piffle11 I have tried to sit down with her and explain how her behaviour affects me. I always get told, "You're so oversensitive, tympanic. You've always been that way. Ever since you were a little girl." And rolls her eyes like I'm pathetic. It's pointless. Then she gets all defensive and spits more venom at me.

I tried to tell her she was being unreasonable today and she cut me off, undermined everything I was saying and stormed into the next room. There was one time I trapped her on the couch with me and kept asking over and over if she really thought the way she spoke to me was respectful and whether she'd like to be spoken to the same. She got VERY uncomfortable and kept trying to laugh it off, claim I was oversensitive, get defensive yada yada until eventually she went quiet and said, "I guess not." It was the first time she has ever backed down. It was short lived.

I get it too op. Mine's dead, and there's a big chunk of relief that I won't have to deal with this sort of shit ever again. There's also a little sadness because she could, sometimes, when not being hagridden by her own insecurities, be lovely. But that was sadly very seldom, and practically nonexistent when we were children and really needed it

tympanic you really need to take on board SpongeBob's mantra above,

"Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and it annoys the pig".

I'm terrified of repeating this with my own daughter. I saw it in the relationship my mother and grandmother had. Currently reading "The book you wish your parents had read" and I'm finding it helpful. Sometimes I'm horrified to hear my mother's words coming out of my mouth in the heat of the moment. Like you, this started when I had DD.

Fuck. Cut the cunt off now before she needs care in her old age - because that's when the venom and manipulation really strike.

@Moralitym1n1 I don't want to bite back because: a) It will just egg her on because she will know she hit a nerve. Her behaviour is designed to maim. It's not accidental. and b) One of the biggest things that upset me is the fact that I am terrified I will end up like her and do this to my son. I could not conceive of me being the reason he ever feels like this. So I don't want to be vengeful or nasty in return.

@balloonyellow Same here. A LOT of bad memories are coming back. Or not even things I'd forgotten, but things I thought were just normal, or a bit quirky at most. Even "part of her charm". I realise now they weren't normal or funny. They were bloody awful. Eg. When we were little she used to pretend she was dying until we would become hysterically upset, then she'd open her eyes, laugh cruelly and tell us we were stupid. It's only really recently that I realised how f*ed up that really was.

Sorry - I'm going to say it again - cut the cunt off. Have nothing to do with her.